I had this one ring in my head all day...

I was actively looking for a relationship of equals before we've met. I have actually said the words to my friends: Equals!
What I did not know that there is one step further: complete enmeshment...
I have come from 8 years (toxic) enmeshment and I learned to step away emotionaly & draw boundaries. I have no problem to show who I really am to my partner & subconsiously practice radical honesty. But I did not want to go as far as radical emotional enmeshment in future relationships, because that was a bad place before. Is that hiding. In a sense it is.

Hiding: I do a lot of emotional hiding at my job as those environments are abusive to say the least. And it is hard to get out of that mindset once you raise your shields. I realise that now.
I do not feel I have any childhood scars that I need to hide, nor any thought about myself or how I see the world.
I can deal with how others see me.

I did not feel I had anything to hide from my girlfriend, but I did emotionaly, part because of my job, part to avoid conflict. The results are disasterous.

We agreed to that on our last meeting...
Yesterday, I invited our friend for dinner like we used to do every monday. My girlfriend arrived with a friend/driver to pick up her stuff & to give me back her key to the house.

I completely cleaned the house the last weeks. (Hey I needed the therapy) and she got really defensive about it when she entered. "This house has never this clean" in front of our friends. "Excuse me? It was this clean BEFORE we shacked up actually".

She started moving her stuff while I was talking to her friend.
I helped my girlfriend to pack some things she needed help on and she broke down crying while emptying her closet. I gave her a hug & asked her what she was feeling. "Nothing"
I asked her if she was mad at me. "No, I am not mad at you, I am so sorry". I think she was confronted with the pieces of her shattered life at that exact moment. We agreed to meet again wednesday for a talk.

She got quite offensive after that.
She went around the house, claiming some of the shared-stuff she needed (and to "give" me the shared-stuff she does not need or cannot possibly stock) Pretty much one way street.
I did not want to make a scene about a toaster, a fryer, wine glasses or some wooden spoons. I should have because that was emotional dishonest to myself... But I've never seen her so obnoxious! She is normally very sensitive to other peoples feelings but her TAKER was obviously running WILD!

Her lover is about to return to Australia & I think she is starting to realise she is gonna FALL into a void any day soon & has to take care of herself now.
I'll definitly make sure she makes one hell of a SMACK by NOT intervening myself.

But I want to make sure she KNOWS I am willing to keep talking to her anytime and even willing to forgive her, but that the key to forgiveness is in her own hand entirely.

One month and a halve before she leaves to Australia.
Two before she will meet up with her lover in Australia.
WTF are they thinking?

As you read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders the air will clear for you. It is very important to be a freeloader at the start of any relationship. Why? Because it is only by both being freeloaders that you can see one another as you really are rather than then someone who is trying to make a relationship work.

I suspect that you are someone of an unusually high emotional intelligence. High EIs usually have a problem with being a freeloader as they 'tune in' too fast. But it definitely gets easier with age :-).

I am at 27% progress with "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" according to the digital-reader so I hope it WILL clear the air as the first part is not really adding anything new to the samples here on the board (which are excellent ofcourse). fingers crossed for open-skies.

As for me having high emotional intelligence... I honestly doubt that. I have asked myself that question lots of times over the years as one of these female friends claimed I had a lack of empathy when we were still single & we had a couple of dates. Very recently (she is a happy mom now) she spontanously apologised to my partner & I. She said "You are always there for people when it really matters! You have a high tolerance for drama & I have mistaken that ability for a low EQ for a long time".

Anyway, the fact that I have "an emotional shield" up when in "work"-mode does affect my emotions BIG TIME. I've noticed the -mostly younger- people around me need more empathy from me & me less calling them on drama of their own creation.
I am pretty direct when it comes to that. I've noticed younger women -especially- have a hard time dealing with
emotional confrontation. (I am the eldest of three brothers btw). Maybe I should chill with the "Disrepectful Judgements" in my surroundings. I have enough issues on my hands to keep me busy for a while. :-)

As for 'tuning in'. When there are no "red flags in sight" I tune-in quite fast in romantic encounters, yes. The ability to make a fast emotional connection has always been "a must" for me in search for partners.

My partner is said to have a very high emotional IQ & very low on drama by some of my friends (not feeling that now). We went very fast from freeloading to renters in the relationship. We quite literaly rented a house together immediatly after the first kiss.

I am no expert but your ex-partner sounds as if she could have borderline personality disorder from the other actions of hers that you describe. BPDs move super fast into a relationship and appear to be your soulmate but it is all mirroring.

I am very well aware of what living with an Axis II personality disorder feels like,
having been in a relationship with a victim from my 21st till my 29th.

My current partner is no BPD in a long shot,
I would have started running the moment we've met.
The emotional damage from that toxic relationship gave me a radar for emotional abuse, projection & mirroring FOR LIFE.
I can spot crazy eyes from across the street.
My friends & family would have warned me aswell.

If anything she is a codependant.
She has got herself into fullblown addiction because of my neglect and is acting out much like a BPD would.
A BPD would act out relentlessly,
for no obvious reason,
all the time. :-/

Well I did say I was no expert <lol>

Dear god, I would not wish that on anyone. :-)

I just divorced from someone with a personality disorder.
I met her for a date, she asked to move in a week later.
We started having sex. She got pregnant.
I should say, during this time I felt like I was being trapped and was going to break it off with her.
But when she said she was pregnant I asked her to marry me.

She was interested in everything I was. Then a year later she developed physical health problems. She visited numerous doctors but they couldn't find any problems.

Does this sound familiar?
If so, RUN.

No, it does not sound familiar.
My wayward partner & I were executing a multiyear-plan actually. Yes, she moved in immediatly because of a practical reason actually. I already had a roommate, so we shacked up with 3 people the first couple of months, to get used to each other.

There was no crazy-making, pushing/pulling, black & white-thinking, impulsiveness, reckless behaviour, dissociation,
tantrums, fast cycling mood-swings, no mirroring, no emotional blackmail during 3,5 years of shacking up.
This is a normal girl lost in a love+substance addiction:
(impulsiveness, reckless behaviour & substance abuse)

I am sorry you were in a toxic-relationship, I know how damaging it can be & how much it hurts.
This isn't anything like what you are going through with your BPD spouse, although you probably see a lot of similarities in my story.

I hope you protect yourself + your child from all the BPD stuff.

I'm divorced now and have custody of my kids.
We were married 10 years but she was sick (with no diagnosis) most of the time.
We moved numerous times because of her concerns about indoor air quality.
She couldn't pass the court custody evaluation.

My thinking is a lot clearer and AlAnon really helped me focus on my own actions instead of hers.

When you say she has substance abuse problems what is it? Alcohol? Drugs?

The last months she took powerfull MDMA to party every weekend.
MDMA is known as XTC which is a powerful LOVE-drug. It brings out serotonine & dopamine which are the same natural chemicals
as being in love for the first time.
It is not really a physical addictive drug like alcohol, amphetamines or opium derivates. But it can be psychologicly addictive as it can change repressed negative feelings into positive feelings in the right circumstances. It makes you feel in complete love with everyone in your surroundings for at least an hour of 5 on each dose. In fact it is one of the only drugs known to mankind to alter repressed feelings permanently. Israeli army uses it in combination with psychotherapy to treat Post-Traumatic Stress Disordered in soldiers & was FDA approved before it was declared illegal.

Not that the weekend loads of MDMA interfered with her job or responsabilities, all the partying messed with our relation.
Since she has the affair(which she is feeding with MDMA ofcourse) she is showing psychological traits of a junkie:
Denial, changing history, cognitive ressonance & impulsiveness.

To give an example:
We had dinner tonight and I told her the affair is ripping my heart out because it is based on deception & dishonesty within OUR relationship.
She replies she needs the affair because she wants the good feeling she gets from it. She does not think about the future consequences, but she would be teared apart if she couldn't see my anymore because of that.
I replied by asking her how it would feel if I started dating her single girlfriends in the future. she tells me that it would be so selfish of me to not consider her feelings.
=JUNKIE-TALK/PSYCHOBABBLE
(or the TAKER unleashed as the Dr. would say)

=)

Believe me, normal women do not behave like this. Even normal women having affairs do not behave like this. There is something terribly wrong with her.

I don't know what "normal" women do.
I've been around insanity for too long.
Have you emailed Dr Harley for advice? It is free and worth $500 expert consult....hard to pass up

Gerold, IMO, this ex-girlfriend is too far in the red if dating is an interview. Aside from history, I actually can't understand why you are even in contact with her anymore.

I have Plan B'd my WH who I was in a relationship with for 18 years, and married for 11. No contact whatsoever except through my solicitor and IM.

It wasn't easy at first, but I can see how much stronger and happier I am. What would I gain from staying in contact with someone who is clearly being emotionally abusive by having an A?

By all means gerold, contact Dr H for advice on dating and moving forward. But not to save this relationship. What her problems are, know that they are not yours.

Heal, learn from MB (and life)... and move forward.

Some good clips on dating. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on dating
Radio clip

Thanks for the Answer Caracal.
I do not see it the same way unfortunatly.
We were not dating, we were committed to each other for at least 2,5 years. (Shacking-up is HOT in my country, Marriage is NOT.) I know NOW there are consequences on choosing not to marry, but that was the descision we made & I am bound to it.
My girlfriend recently repeated she was committed to our relationship until the affair.

I am choosing to keep in contact for the moment as I am learning more about my girlfriend, myself & our relationship than ever before. I think that it is way more important for us to keep talking than to shut communication and go into the pain/anger/guilt-zone.
The drama is still bearable at the moment & I know how hard it is to go "No Contact" without having at least some answers WHY it all went wrong...


Will continue writing later today.

Will you email Dr Harley for advice?

I think that would not be fair.
I am in good company in these dire times:
My 7 dear friends are psychologists, they know the context of our entire relation. They all say I should fight for this relationship! So does my Mom, Dad & brothers.

You guys throw me opposite opinions & make me doubt if this is a good idea.
I am getting different perspectives and that is EXCELLENT.
You guys are doing a great job & I really need your opinions.

I am sure some hurt soul in the Wild-West can use the Dr's time better. Although I really appreciate the suggestion.

Meanwhile I completed his "Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders".
The "Electric Fence Personality"-part ringed a bell.
in fact, I am reading that part again right now.

Did you listen?