WW stayed the night at the house after we spent time together as a family. I told her I care for her and willing to create a marriage where both our needs are met. After that we did some shopping for the DS and went out to eat. She asked if was on for her to stay with DS in our marital home I said sure. She is down stairs now sleeping on the futon with DS. We had good conversation, she cried a lot. My DS was extremely happy and told her all we need is SS so we can be a family and that made her cry as well. When we got home she started to cry because she said she felt like a stranger in her house. I asked if she was ok and she said she needed time alone so I gave DS a shower and she joined me. Went through the daily routine DS and I do. Bath brush his teeth and we pray. WW joined us and she opened up and said she doesn't love me and she doesn't want to be with anyone. I listened without LBs and held my anger in check when she said she is still talking to OM and he isn't pursuing her. I dismissed it as fogbabble. Told her that I'm not rushing anything and taking day by day. We read a couple bible passages together and she said she prays daily for my forgiveness because she knows she done our family wrong. Cried some more and I held her hand. She then said it would take a miracle for us to reconcile and I told her I pray about us everyday and the same I care for you mantra and I'm willing to be a listening ear. Overall I did well I think no LBs I didn't pressure into coming back, I made it clear that I am against her affair and told her I am changing for the better but I have a long way to go. Kissed her forehead and went up stairs to the marital bed to go to sleep. I'm following what Dr. H said on the show when I called in. He stated I need to let her know I care for her in order to be her escape plan when things get tough aka plan a.

No.
I disagree. I did not hear him say in in that way.
You have a restraining order you encouraged her to break.
She tells you she is still in contact with OM and you shrug your shoulders.
And now she is sleeping in your house in plan a or b, in violation of the RO?

You are setting yourself up for a false recovery.

Here's the thing with plan A during an affair: the affair is vehemently opposed and must be killed. Otherwise your marriage has no hope.

She should not be back in your house. She should not be speaking to you unless she agrees to : 1. No contact with OM for the rest of her life. This includes writing a NC letter as explained in SAA. And 2. Agree to MB recovery plan.

Jedi you heard my call on the show? I'm trying to be her escape plan and at the same time letting her know that I'm opposed to the affair and will do what is in the best interest of my DS and her. From the call I gathered since I had a messed up plan A I should do to again and create a non hostile environment without being a door mat. In order to plan A I need to spend time with her and communicate and listen all the while waiting for her to open up to me. Please if you still feel this way and heard my call I will follow your advice. BH said that the ca will be posted as soon as she can. 14NOV12 was the date.

What specifically does the RO prohibit? By participating in violating it you will lose credibility with the court. Has your W agreed to work on recovering the marriage? You might want to retread the carrot and stick of plan A... But don't jeopardize your custody of your son over marriage recovery...HE needs you more than you need her. Have you talked to your lawyer? Maybe you can get the RO modified.

Okay, I'm out. When you begin to believe what those experts here have been telling you about managing the re-approach with WW, (or, more likely, after she sticks it up your pooper once again after you let down your guard and give her a free pass on the betrayals and child-removal she's committed) have one of the Mods drop me a line, and I'll stop back.

I heard the last part of your call on the Internet rebroadcast.
Yes I heard Dr Harley explain that you need to be part of her escape plan. A partner in life.
But he also said that the court stuff was out of your hands and that you should obviously tell the truth, etc in court. Part of telling the truth in court is also to respect the rule of law. The court granted you custody because she has "demonstrated such poor judgement," in Dr Harley's words.

I didn't hear the first part of your call.
But your marriage can't recover until the affair is dead and she agrees to the recovery plan in Surviving an Affair book.

Plan B was good because then it was that POS that had to meet her emotional needs and she saw what divorce will be like. She felt the consequences of her actions.
But going from plan B straight back to Plan A with no stick? I don't see how that helps you.

Dr Harley talked about battered women shelters the other day and said one challenge was keepin the women in because they try to sneak out and see their abuser. It seems that you are so desperate to see her again you heard Dr Harley tell you to bring her back home and plan A her. As I said, I only heard the last part of your call; .......

I suggest the following:
Youve already brought her back into the house.
First, do not leave her alone with your child.
Second hide your money from her.

Dont commit any angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements while around her.

You need to have an immediate Come to Jesus meeting about this. You should calmly explain that 1. You love her and are willing to work to create a loving healthy marriage. But you must insist that she permanently separate from OM. She must agree to never see or speak to him again and write a No Contact Letter (from SAA book) to him. (which you read and mail certified mail. And it has to contain te language in the book)

She must agree to the MB Recovery Plan.

If she does not agree then you proceed with divorce.

Irregardless of her decision she can't stay there in violation of a court restrainin order.

I've noticed that you have been making excuses for her both on the show and in your thread.
The OM tricks women by this, she needed that.

An important fact is that your wife is a grown woman. She is fully responsible for the choices she makes and she chooses to have an affair. That is a choice that she made.

People make jokes on these threads about an alien controlling the wayward spouse and it seems like that at times, but these are choices that they and your wife are making.

I see your point. Please keep in mind she isn't staying there. I understand fully that she is an adult and made this choice. From what I got from the show was stay my course legally and plan A. I believe I'm doing that, IG investigation is ongoing. I told her that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not stand for it. An full exposure was done and I'm doing my best to meet her needs. Legally I'm good to go as far as that is concerned my lawyer knows everything.

Sir she is in an active affair and sleeping in the marital home.
Did you demand she end the affair?
Did you demand a No Contact letter?

You can't just plan A without demanding the Affair ends.

Please read Surviving an Affair chapter about Jon and Sue again

Will do ill read that. NG SHE ISN'T LIVING THERE. Stayed one night and one night only. We talked and I told he to end the affair. She didn't agree to R that's why she isn't there anymore. She did show me proof of her possible cancer she did a std screening. Today if we talk I will push the NC letter. Please listen to the show Dr. H said avoid love busters. That led me to believe plan A. He also said proceed with divorce and custody. My lawyer said it was no problem with her staying the night. I VAR our time together as a back up plan. I don't know how to kill the affair other than telling her. I exposed I don't know what to do next.

Also please point out how I'm making excuses for her on the call on the show and on the thread.

Just finishing reading it. I see your point Jedi. I asked WW to come by the house so we can talk. At that point ill demand the NC and hand her a copy of SAA. "Read if if you care about DS and me." Is what I will say.

On page 47 it states sues return was short lived. Soon she wanted to talk to Greg again, sounds like my WW so I see where you all are coming from. The book total separation before R. I feel like if she reads this book she will understand. Thanks for helping out guys.

I don't think handing her the book will help.that is trying to educate her.
I think you should tell her the conditions for marital recovery and she can respond.
She will not be favorable to you trying to educate her

This is what Dr. H said about my situation.


"I recommend that you remain in plan A, but don�t lose your temper or do anything else that would cause you to lose love units. Try to make it clear that you will not tolerate another man in her life, but that you are willing to overcome any problems she has with you that might have tempted her to have this affair."

So I'm in officially in plan A. Any good ideas for affection and attention?

I was in plan A during an active affair and all the way up to divorce.
I wanted to plan B but legally couldn't.

But I can't answer your question.
My wife was so hostile that all I could do was offer her a cup of coffee.

I would not leave her alone with the kid though.
And where is the step son? Does she just plan on dumping him with grandma so she can be free?

I bumped a plan A thread for you