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So what if your spouse swears it is over? My husband's affair happened in 2008. I have looked at phone records and emails...seems they haven't had contact since 2009.
But...when I did call the OW (yes i did very recently since I have just found out), he immediately texted her "don't worry about anything" which struck me as strange. Why would he care if she's worried???!!! Because he is still having an A with her. How could he be if I check his phone and call records...I also check his email. She lives 11 hours from us. Do you really think it's still going on? Sure. At least on an emotional level. Here's how he could physically do it: Having an extra cell phone. Emailing her from work or wherever you can't see.Calling her from work. Does he ever go out of town, to 'conferences', or does he ever have to do a day trip anywhere? Eleven hours is easy on a plane. He could be at home with you in the morning, fly to her by noon, spend the day and then be back at home with you in the evening. Heck, there have been people who've had two separate families and maintained them that way for years! Have you confirmed independently that she is really 11 hours away?
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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So what if your spouse swears it is over? My husband's affair happened in 2008. I have looked at phone records and emails...seems they haven't had contact since 2009.
But...when I did call the OW (yes i did very recently since I have just found out), he immediately texted her "don't worry about anything" which struck me as strange. Why would he care if she's worried???!!! Because he is still having an A with her. How could he be if I check his phone and call records...I also check his email. She lives 11 hours from us. Do you really think it's still going on? Sure. At least on an emotional level. Here's how he could physically do it: Having an extra cell phone. Emailing her from work or wherever you can't see.Calling her from work. Does he ever go out of town, to 'conferences', or does he ever have to do a day trip anywhere? Eleven hours is easy on a plane. He could be at home with you in the morning, fly to her by noon, spend the day and then be back at home with you in the evening. Heck, there have been people who've had two separate families and maintained them that way for years! Have you confirmed independently that she is really 11 hours away? Yes she is 11 hours away. I am sure that she at least lives 11 hours away. He hasn't taken any business trips and I felt like he came clean... But there are still things that don't make sense 1. the text "don't worry about it" 2. when I told him she had a facebook page he went and checked it out in secret and then erased the history so I could n't see it. Then when I confronted him and lied to him saying that I had a keylogger at work he came clean. Why erase it??
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Yes she is 11 hours away. I am sure that she at least lives 11 hours away. He hasn't taken any business trips and I felt like he came clean... Do they have cars or planes or trains in your country? aside from seeing each other in person, many affairs here are carried on via internet and phone. Do you have phone or internet in your country?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"Yes she is 11 hours away. I am sure that she at least lives 11 hours away. He hasn't taken any business trips and I felt like he came clean... But there are still things that don't make sense 1. the text "don't worry about it" 2. when I told him she had a facebook page he went and checked it out in secret and then erased the history so I could n't see it. Then when I confronted him and lied to him saying that I had a keylogger at work he came clean. Why erase it??" sl, your H is behaving very much like a wayward. This sneaky behavior is very much a
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Hey, ls - why don't you confine your posts to your other thread? That will make it easier for us to follow you.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 03/14/10 12:10 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Hey, ls - why don't you confine your posts to your other thread? That will make it easier for us to follow you. okay
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Bliss, this was a good post to read. I am the WS in my EA situation. I just signed up for this site yesterday and am being told to expose...tell my BH the OM name. That's on the schedule for today but I am not looking forward to it. (For one, they are friends and I don't want to interfere with their friendship...) But I have to do this. Thank you for your candor.
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...they are friends and I don't want to interfere with their friendship... fullmoon, we've heard this on your main thread, and now we've heard it here, and I need to grab you by the ears and look you in the eye & tell you for your own good that it's rubbish. Your H may think this OM is his friend. But that's only because your H doesn't know the full truth, which you've deceitfully kept hidden from him. It's not the friendship you fear interfering with; no, you fear interfering with the deception that allows you to nurture your OM-fantasy. I was in your shoes once and made the wrong choices. You've got this chance to start making things right a lot sooner, and I hope you won't let it fall through your fingers.
Last edited by GloveOil; 06/30/10 08:09 AM. Reason: apologies for this t/j
Me: FWH, 50 My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold DD23, DS19 EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09 Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009 Married 25 years & counting. Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband. "I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol "Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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MB I changed my name to something more cool.
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You were VVVVVV for a day or two. What was that about?
BW Married 1989 His PA 2003-2006 2 kids.
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I think it was a placeholder until a more agreeable name could be chosen.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Sugar,
My anonymity may have been at risk so I changed my name and sig. On another thread Maritalbliss asked me about it so I thought I would change the name to something more cool
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"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We will meet in same social circles because of our work. And no they don't work together but their buildings are across from each other. They both work down town and I work in the galleria. But we have several friends that know and watch. Wow, I am so sorry. That is a good thing for the affair, though. As long as you run in the same circles, your husband can be perpetually triggered. Every time he sees the OW, you will both go back to day 1 of recovery. And that is convenient that they work right across from each other because he will have access to her when he is triggered.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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JohnW:
My experience helping thousands of couples survive an affair has led me to the conclusion that exposure is one of the most effective tools in ending this tragedy once and for all. An affair is not only a very painful experience for the betrayed spouse, but it's terribly misconceived. It fails 95% of the time. When the light of day shines on it, it's more likely to be seen for what it is -- the biggest mistake a person could ever make.
At first, exposure usually seems cruel from the unfaithful spouse's perspective. It looks like vengeance. But after an unfaithful spouse clearly sees the damage the affair has done, and has come out of the "fog," that spouse is usually thankful that someone had the sense to expose it.
There's another reason that an affair should be exposed. You might ask yourself the question: If you had not known about your wife's affair, would you have wanted the wife of her affair partner to tell you about it, even after the affair was over? If you would have wanted to know, you should tell her.
Best wishes, Willard F. Harley, Jr.
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I do feel like she got away scot free... WH is getting off scot free if you don't expose and protect your marriage. When I found out about my XWH's affair in 2006 I didn't expose. We did write a NC letter. A was with his BF's wife while his BF watched, disgusting I know. I, like you put the blame on her. I did blame him for what he had done but I was in a deep fog. I didn't expose because I knew he was truly remorseful and people wouldn't understand and would judge him harshly. Can you see the fog? We lived in the same large town a few miles from each other. WH's BF would text BH "Hey buddy, how are you doing? Let's get together" and stuff like that. EVERY time he did it was a trigger. At first WH would tell me, then the excuses started when I'd snoop & find out. I didn't see the text, I didn't want to upset you. Their son was in a class with DD. I was nervous about running into either one of them open house night & expressed that to WH. Did he offer to go instead? Nope. He did what he was good at, puff me up. "You can handle it, you know they are scum. You deserve to be there not them. Just give them a mean stare." My XWH had other affairs after this one. He not only married the last one but invited BF and his new wife to their small reception. My kids were mortified. There were only 15 people there so it wasn't like they could avoid running into him. On a funny note the kids tell me all the childish things their dad and new wife do. Keep in mind he is 46. They play red light kiss, If they stop at a red light they announce "red light" and they make out. If they miss one they kiss 2x at the next one. They also made up a new fun car game. "punch Jeep" they have matching Jeeps (gag). Kids just roll their eyes.
BS (me)46 XWH 46 DS19,DS,17,DD16,DD10 DD#1 12/2006 (confessed to affair in 2004) DD#2 fall 2008- WH denial, he moves out for 6 weeks DD#3 11/2010 new AP he doesn't deny or confirm. claims marriage was over WH files for D 1/2011 WH moves in with OW 8/2011 WH engaged 1/2012 D final 4/2012 WH married 8/2012
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Marriage counseling will not save your marriage. You must follow the Affair Recovery Plan in Surviving An Affair book. The first step is a No Contact letter written by your husband and mailed by you (certified mail). Have you done this?
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Furthermore he must never see this woman again. He will have to quit his job and relocate if necessary
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We have been going MC but I am up and down. Marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. MC's actually have a higher divorce rate than the general population. They are destructive to marriages when there has been an affair. The fact that your husband still works in close proximity to the OW and the affair has not been exposed tells me that your MC is clueless when it comes to saving a marriage after an affair. I am not saying this to criticize you, but to alert you that you are on a fast track to disaster. There is a very, very narrow path to recovery after an affair and you are not on that path. Please get the book Surviving an Affair and familiarize yourself with the concepts. Otherwise, your marriage will not recover from this affair. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in saving marriages from infidelity. His plan really does work. " The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance." here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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