X2 and BUMP. Thanks markos, this captures it perfectly.

Scotland,

I want to save my marriage more then anything. This is my 100 Percent focus. I understand the point of the question and the concern. it was a ten minute conversation hat I was asked by RQ to have. it has been the only focus on my thread for days and I am asking if we can move on. I am on here to get help and direction and I feel like the past couple of days have been a lost cause.

I'm going to be on the radio show today. how about talking about that. I am nervous about it. hopefully everything goes ok and I don't fumble.


KISS

Dude, I'm rooting for you to do well today as well, more for RQ's sake than yours directly.

So here's a tip. My epilogue used to be, "If you always tell the truth, you never struggle to keep your stories straight!" Keep that in mind if a question makes you uncomfortable. Don't "game" this (last?) opportunity, bucko. Don't "buffer" anything that you'll fool yourself into thinking is done to "spare" her feelings.

I'll be listening, with BS Meter tuned to high sensitivity.

I'm listening too.
I hope you receive good advice and will proceed accordingly.

All right, my friend, here's a gift for you.

Through your IM, ask RQ if she would agree to the substitution for the OOP currently in effect of a Limited Order-of-Protection, defining what contact she would be willing to accept. (I'm from NY too, and actually went through this process myself.)

That would permit you and she to establish contact under her control - telephone, e-mail, public places, whatever - but not require her to go "all in" to the recommencement of your relationship.

I heard your call.
Dr Harley said that RQ needs to decide if she wants to be married.
If no, proceed with dv.
If yes then start dating you.

You know, there was a time I wouldn't have seen a problem with offering advice and support to a suffering BIL.

HOWEVER

If a whole bunch of people who had been through were emphatically telling me how dangerous it was, I like to think I would have listened. I like to think that I wouldn't have made snarky comments about Gilligan's Island.

It's very distressing to me how long you have been here without even understanding the most basic level of protecting your M. I don't expect SIL to have known that - most people don't give it a thought until they've had to try and recover from something like this. But you've been here, you've seen the stories, you've had access to the tales of woe of families ripped apart, brothers who have had to go NC with each other for the sake of saving a marriage ripped apart by an affair between in-laws.

I am sad to say that I can even recall one story where a MIL had cheated with her SIL.

Good boundaries are important, even with MIL's, priests, and Gilligans. This isn't about your SIL being a distraction, it's about you closing your eyes to danger.

You said maybe RQ asked you to do this as a test.

Not saying she did, but what if....what if.......it was a test to see if you were willing to let your boundaries down around another woman? Even one that is as good as your SIL? What if it was that kind of test?

If so, how do you think you scored?

POJA never never NEVER applies to right vs. wrong. Even if your spouse asks you to do something, if you know you shouldn't, you are obligated to tell them no.

I'll be interested to listen to the show, but right now my bus is calling for me. I hope you'll drop your defenses long enough to consider what you've been hearing. It's not about your SIL at all, and it's very important for you.

I listened to Dr Harley's commentary after your call.
Basically. KISS you need to get a transfer in POJA to another city.
In the future no texting at all. Disable it from your phone.

That's if he decides to stay married. The fact that she responded to the radio show indicates she still cares about the marriage.

But I strongly encourage you to listen to the advice of papabear because he has been in your shoes and improved himself.

(in future calls can you please use the name KISS or gene?)

So I have listened to the show now.

Apparently, with a fresh new audience who is, for the most part, only getting your side, you decided to trot out the whole "RQ didn't really need to get the RO, la la la I have NO IDEA why she would do such a thing, maybe just so it would be more convenient for her to stay in her TOTALLY UNNECESSARY Plan B."

You tried that one on all of us, and after being confronted, changed your story to match hers.

So which is it? Both cannot be true. You either lied to us in the first instance, or in the second. If you can't even be honest about very basic facts with a bunch of strangers on the internet, how are you planning to build a life of honesty with your wife?

And once again, I heard the words "only one time" in connection with that text to a coworker.

I don't know what more I can tell you that will be of any benefit, except that I'll be praying for you and your family. I'm at a loss for words.

Hello Kiss,


You do not understand Plan B then.

Plan B is for a spouse who has been taking a beating (emotionally or physically) from their spouse and their emotional health is wearing away. It's purpose is to give the spouse in Plan B an opportunity to rebuild their emotional health. I discussed this topic with Dr. H a few years back.

Do you think RQ has taken an emotional beating from you and it has taken a toll on her emotional health?

SMB

I do understand the plan B. I know that its purpose is to protect the betrayed spouse and also to protect their love bank from with drawels. I know that RQ has been through a lot. I have been doing everything asked of me and i feel that we need to work together down the path of recovery. Witch Dr. Harley agreed with. But it is at RQ pace witch again i agree with totally and I am willing to do.


KISS

I heard the episode aired on the radio program. Dr. H did not "agree" with you. He did say that when RQ was ready, that she would need to make a decision either down the path of divorce or make plans to attempt recovery slowly.

You've taken some liberty with what Dr. Harley discussed.....

RQ must get to a point that she can emotionally handle making a decision either way..... Re-read what Neak has said and re-read what SMB said and answer their questions entirely....

HerPapaBear,

I'm sorry but he said that she needed to make a decision. That she needed to make some kinda recovery. That he was going to contact her about going out to dinner or talking on the phone.

KISS

You've been smokin' that hoochie weed again!

I listened to the program and you're still not gittin it.

YOU ARE STILL ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT! You are still very arrogant.


Force a decision when she's not ready and it will probably be divorce or a resentful attempt at recovery that will be miserable for both of you.

Neak,

I'm sorry but I don't understand what you are talking about. What is RO?

Also what changed "IN MY STORY"? I'm not sure what you are referring to?

KISS

Restraining Order, also known as Order for Protection....


You are so coy! Come on...

Well, how about the reason RQ felt she needed a protection order to begin with.... Didn't even tell the whole story about that one did ya...

She knew that your track record was that you would never keep your distance and respect staying away while in Plan B. You don't even respect her need to be in PlanB to begin with....

Why did you so quickly dismiss Dr. Harley's suggestion to schedule another poly?

Blew right past it....

"OH RQ said she got everything she needed"

You still like to blame RQ for all your inactions... Did you man up and tell the intermediary that you WANTED to take it again... Did you say, "Please let me take it again"?
Of course not....

If RQ decides to attempt recovery she will have to pull you through it again and again because I believe you're too lazy.
Tell me why I'm wrong about this??? I honestly want to hear it.

Do you believe you have any defects of character?

If so, what are they?

You wanted to move on,

Here we are....


New questions, New direction.....

Where are you??