Yes I did. "Radio clip on dating": I would give the British-girl the same advice as the Dr. She already tried a couple of times to make this thing work, the guy keeps being a pig... cut contact, move on 'till he comes back with the message I want to change & want to make this work.
True.

But my relationship worked! We did not have to "try".
My girlfriend met my needs, but I neglected hers, because I was so absorbed in my work. She discovered a new need.
We were both Buyers!

I think the first example fits me best:
"Men are better positioned than women to save a marriage."

The stuff on Thoughtfullness is very interesting for me.
Think about how the other person would feel before you act!

The buyer, freeloader, renter is interesting stuff to use on your own past dating life.
"What was that girls attitude, personality, what was my attitude back then?"
"What went wrong & why?".

My dad is a perfectionist & my mom is a people-pleaser.

I am starting to think I am one of those dual "perfectionist-people pleasers" personality types:

Looking back on my dating list since my 20ts:
I am attracted to freeloaders, yet I learned not to get into real relationships with them (once is enough) I get into relationships with "people pleasers" mostly.
Other "perfectionist", seem to scare me; even though I am sure they were relationship-material.

pfffew time for bed.

Time for a break from women for a while!
Do you have a good hobby or sport?

x10

Sorry, I am really angry today...

Too much of my spare time is being spend behind a computer nowadays.

I spend evenings with friends/family more now than in the relationship.

Before I wanted to commit to any relationship
My hobby was music & civil disobedience
I squated tens of government buildings & threw rave-parties for hundreds of people. Dj'ed all over Europe in weekends.
At 35 that does no longer sounds as a healthy hobby to pick back up. =)

I love to snorkel, surf & snowboard. Unfortunatly there are no mountains or places to snorkel within a 3000 mile radius.
(snowboard trip with friends planned for februari)

I am a talker, I need to talk & emotionaly connect for the moment. I feel to bad to not do it.
At work I lead a team of 7 young IT-developers and I cannot stand any more testosteron when I get home...

No romantic relationships, can live with that.
No women?
You really want me to get depressed?

Agree. It sounds like there is a drug issue here. Dr. Harley says his concepts won't work with addicts.

Isn't an affair a love-addiction?

No. It's a selfish act of getting emotional needs met outside of marriage. It's not an addiction in the same context of a chemical addiction.

Gerald,

It was a hard lesson, and one I am still learning.,,to accept that I only have control over my actions.
We can get into issues like mental illness or personality disorders or addictions and the truth is we can't fix other people. We have to find serenity in our own lives

Let this girl go. God can help her more than you can.

You see it differently because you are being subjective about this. You still have feelings for this woman, and are not making decisions based on logic.

It has taken over a year of Plan B for me to start (and I stress that word) being more objective about my stich with WH. No contact and removing myself from the assault of his wayward actions means I can see much more clearly who he has become, and what he could offer if reconciliation was on the table. I really doubt, aside from history, he could offer me much to tempt me back into recovery.

I can create history with another if I choose. Without the pain of being betrayed by that person overshadowing it.

Now gerold, I do not doubt you were both committed; most posters on MB married "till death do us part" and in your mind, you thought this woman was forever. However, IMO 2 years is the honeymoon period of most relationships. This is when the reality starts to set in, and in a non-MB relationship, the taker, renter, etc starts to rear its head unchecked.

Your situation is not unique; my WH was committed for 18 years... until the A. There are sadly plenty of others here in the same boat. Many people in long-term committed relationships go through patches where EN's are not being met... and DON'T cheat. Your ex did; and after only 2.5 years.

And if you are looking for answers as to what went wrong from your ex, you are looking in the wrong place. A wayward has no answers, only excuses.

Lol no please don't get depressed. Jedi is dead right. You are young with lots of energy. Find a great new hobby or sport that uses it in a healthy way. Be patient, everything else will get sorted out in time.

My best friend moved-in for 4 weeks as he is renovating his house. So that is something fresh.

Doing a volunteer-thing in the weekends now and got "paired up" with a 21 year old "hippie girl" 3 weeks ago. We have to drive to locations together on saturdays & handout leaflets.
This girl appears to have an IQ of 130+ & her emotional intelligence is way of the charts. Het observations on life are astonishing to say the least.

So yes my life adapts to the circumstances & meeting new people -without getting involved - seems like a good alternative for the moment.

Sounds like life is handing you interesting things to keep you busy. Enjoy it.

She texted me saturday to excuse her for her bad behaviour
last thursday.
I did not reply.

Got a txt-message from her again today to meet again saturday!
I replied I am doing volunteering (and she knows).
Got nothing back.

My best friend told me she asked for his creditcard to go to London. (She does not have one yet & needs one for the UK as our cards dont work most of the time). He refused.
Apparently she is putting her lover on the plane to OZ there tomorrow.

She will be contacting me next week to meet me.
Maybe I should write her a farewell-letter aswell?

Don't you think it's interesting that she was trying to get a hold of you and when she couldn't she went to your best friend for the credit card?

Think she was going to try and get you to help her once again?

I think she is so overwelmed by her emotions because of the puppy love, she is too embarrased to ask me. (and she should be)
Interesting? I think it is interesting to know she tries to hide it from me.

Anxiety is at the core here...

Embarassed? Anxious? Stop empathising with the wayward!!!

All waywards try to hide the A until they are remorseful. Your XGF no longer hides it, but since you refused to help fund her awful behaviour by not buying into her BS, she had to ask others to be accomplices.

To get her fix, what she wants. Her AP, and appeasing him.

I think you should be congratulating yourself on having a brilliant BF who not only knows right from wrong, but ACTS upon it. And thinking yourself lucky you escaped this woman. In less than 3 years, she has betrayed you.

I know it sucks to think someone you invested years of effort and love into can show themselves to be worthless of it. But they can. Learn. Grow. Take action with yourself and relationships to prevent it happening again.

Gerald,
I also feel sorry for my ex wife.
But intellectually, I know I am better off without her.
Emotionally, I still feel attached to her.

That's why cutting off all contact Is nice.

Sorry I keep going on about the "Sunk Cost"... but if I think about potential partners I have met the last 5 years, nothing seems to compare to her. Even remotely.

I just do not think I will have a decent relationship ever again, nor any children. =(

But you are not comparing them to your XGF as she is now, you are comparing her with the way you remember her being before she became a cheating lying drug addict. That person may not have even really existed . .

Be patient, once the air clears, there will be some amazing adventures out there waiting for you.