I do what I can to squash those thoughts Mel. I try take her on her word. The truth as I see it is what she eats impacts the way she feels and by the time the day is out what she�s put into her mouth all day long catches up to her and she doesn�t feel well. I think it�s excessive that she�ll feel this way at least once a week. Many times it happens when I know I�m not going to ask for intimacy because we weren�t �clicking� that day. So I deduce she�s definitely not feeling well.

It isn�t that she just drinks aspartame all day � it�s that she does things like consume candy when she should be eating a meal � or eating a healthy snack. In our home today she has over 8 bags of candy pumpkins in the house. I see that and I think to myself � OMG!
As an aside her and I started a new eating plan and her and I just decided two minutes ago that I can no longer have Splenda. I have had a headache almost every day for the last two weeks and what has changed is that I�m using Splenda instead of sugar and some of the recipes call for this as a sugar substitute. It also makes me extremely dizzy. Being a vertigo sufferer I�m more susceptible to that I presume. But to answer your other question we have started together down a path of better eating but she continues to skip breakfast, drink the soda and eat the candies.

Yes you are correct I do need to be more open and honest about the SF issues that continue to plague us. I am working with Dr Chalmers on a better way for me to go about this. She caught on quickly that I may like to educate my wife especially when it comes to MB. My biggest LB that I�m working on with her is my inability to be open and honest. And when I go about changing that that I do it in a respectful, thoughtful way. I am very apprehensive about tonight when we have to do the feedback loop on the meeting of each other�s ENs. We were supposed to do my #1 two nights ago. Today I sent her a request that we schedule time tonight to do that homework.

Did she enthusiastically agree to that change? How well did you use the POJA on those changes? Because people don't usually abandon changes about which they are enthusiastic.

As far as the pop leading to her not feeling well enough to have sex, again I attribute that to the lack of emotional attachment in your marriage. You might have been clicking that day, but your marriage has suffered a lack of emotional attachment for a long time. That is what motivates women to have sex. Women are notorious for having headaches/not feeling well when they don't want to have sex. I know what it feels like when my husband ASSUMES a certain something is causing a certain something, rather than just tell me what makes him unhappy. It frustrates me when he does that.


It could be true that Splenda gives you headaches, but could your headaches be from sugar withdrawal? Were you in the habit of eating sugar daily? Sugar is a very addictive, toxic substance and when I stopped eating it, I thought I was going to die for about a week. I had a headache and a pounding heart and had trouble sleeping. I didn't realize what a nasty, toxic substance it was until I went 6 months without it and then ate it again. I felt so sick I had to go to bed. Then I realized that was how I used to feel all the time when I ate sugar! I tell anyone who doesn't believe this to go without sugar for a few months and then eat it again. You will find out fast how nasty sugar is!

Would you have a problem with her eating habits if she did a good job of meeting your needs? I am concerned about you trying to impose your own perspective on her which is a disrespectful judgment. My H and I are just like you and your wife, but in reverse.

I am a health nut; I eat healthy and work out. He would eat brownies for his supper every day if he could! He has bags of candy stashed all over the place. But I don't try to educate him. But then it doesn't bother me because he meets my needs. None of his health habits interfere in our marriage in any way.

Some of the biggest lovebusters I have ever made against him was trying to dictate his food choices. I stopped doing it and our marriage improved.

I get the sense that you have categorized her poor eating habits as an annoying habit because you believe that this is the cause of her unwillingness to have sex with you. You think this because she has told you she has a headache or stomachache to avoid intimacy. I think that was the excuse, and that the real reason is the OBVIOUS and typical reason, which is that she is not emotionally attached to you.

We didn't discuss her eating habits as part of POJA. I just communicated these ENs to her Monday so we haven't worked through them yet.

The new eating plan her and I started was a couple of weeks ago where we explored some options, through a co-worker I found this one, I showed it to her and she agreed it looked good. But we didn't discuss the other items you and I are talking about here.

Our homework for this week is to read up on the POJA, the Give and the Taker and the Guidelines for Negotiation.


I had never heard of a sugar withdrawal before. I�m not much of a sugar user. I felt great this morning after having no Splenda on Thanksgiving and now after having a cup of decaf with Splenda in it that same headache is back. I talked to my wife about it and we�re going to stop using it for a few days to see if my symptoms clear. If they do then I�m going to try using it for a bit and see if they return and if so stop again. Headaches are hard to diagnose so it could very well be something else � but so far everything points to the Splenda.

How does her eating habits translate to your emotional needs? That is what I would explore. I am not seeing how they translate exactly. SF and RC are true EN's but her eating habits are not unless they are truly preventing her from meeting your ENs. On the other hand, trying to dictate eating habits is a disrespectful judgment that could be considered controlling.


Good deal! If she is not adhering to that eating plan, it is likely that she was not really enthusiastic about it. My H was notorious for agreeing to things just to keep the peace. That is just a watch out for you and your wife. We have learned the hard way to avoid agreeing to things we are not really enthusiastic about.


Do you typically put sugar in your coffee in the morning? Does aspartame give you a headache? Another good artificial sweetener that many like is Truvia. You might like that better.

So happy you are going through the program!!!

My #3 EN I listed was an Attractive Spouse. My wife had always been a thin person up until about a year or so ago. This last year that has changed. She used to be able to eat like this because she had a high metabolism. She was able to keep the pounds off, but now that has definitely changed. My drive is declining as is her attractiveness to me. Sort of a double whammy for me ... if you will.

So maybe a better option to broach this is to be open and honest about my ENs. I loved it when she was thinner. She�s a very pretty girl who had a wonderful figure. And I miss that about her. She still looks good to me but not as good as before.

Still I am concerned about her health. I�d like her to be healthy especially later on when her and I are retired. I�d like to go do things. I hope we�re both healthy enough to do that. Later on RC is going to be a big EN for me � probably her too.

I express my concern about her health when she�s feeling ill instead of communicating that I think it�s the way she eats. I have raised my concerns to her about her eating habits at other moments throughout our day not just in the context of the bedroom.


Do I associate her eating habits with our sex life? I�m looking for the things that get in the way of SF. When she doesn�t feel good then SF is off the table, of course. I won�t ask to have my needs met if she�s not feeling well. So that is one of the things that gets in the way.

Would it be safe to ask her if she thought it was her eating habits that create these headaches and stomach aches and to explore that as an option? It would be no different than her and I playing around with Splenda to see if it is the culprit in my recent headaches. You said it yourself � sugar is nasty.

Is she avoiding intimacy? Yes. I agree with you when you say �and that the real reason is the OBVIOUS and typical reason, which is that she is not emotionally attached to you.� I guess that�s why I�d say I am not associating the bad eating habits to our sex life. It does annoy me that she eats the way she does. It makes her less physically and mentally attractive to me. She isn�t as diligent as I�d like her to be with the kid�s morning eating habits either. Something we�ll need to POJA.

This week should be a good week. It is the week she begins to be open and honest with me about the things I do that she says I am not aware of that destroy her love for me. Through that process I will do whatever it takes to stop doing those things. I am excited about this new opportunity to improve the R and I hope I can do enough to gain that emotional attachment.

Mel, I am happy we are going through the program too. I am enjoying the process and look forward to the ways in which I can enrich our R. I sure hope this is the answer. I hope I can get my side of the street clean.

My coffee drinking varies. Some times sugar, sometimes Equal, sometimes black. If I use too much Equal and then stop I'll get a withdrawal effect.

The last month of so I primarily was drinking it black ... which is nasty as the free stuff at work is quite bitter. But I like to drink it as it helps me avoid eating more than I care to.

That makes perfect sense. AS is an EN and you are right to mention that her weight gain is affecting your desire.


Perfect. And that is exactly what I would tell her.


I think that is good to express concern for her health. My only concern here is when it becomes a DJ or becomes controlling. So think this definition of a DJ over before you say things about her eating habits:

here


This would be a huge lovebuster to my husband. I can express my concern about his health, but lecturing him about his eating habits would harm our relationship because it is a DJ.


Does that irritate her? I guess that would be the deciding factor.


GREAT! Like I said earlier, this was one of the hardest things for my DH to overcome. He thought it was a virtue to stuff his displeasure at my behavior. He still does it sometimes but usually catches himself and does a course correction.


I know it will work for you if you stick to it. I think you are the kind of person who is very thorough and methodical. Those skills will serve you well in this process. I tend to be a corner cutter and wasted several good years because I didn't follow instructions.

I predict that the biggest surprise to you will be when you start diligently following the policy of undivided attention. That is when things happen rather quickly. You will find your feelings doing an about face in about 8 weeks. And it will happen quite suddenly.

Once you hit that plateau, you will be on here acting like a zealot like the rest of us who have experienced this. Experiencing success in this program is what creates zealots.

A zealot eh? Sounds good. We're doing quite well on the UA stuff. We both seem to be in a much better place already. I'll see what that 8 week or so mark brings.

I am having a hard time coming up with an annoying habit that I need to communicate to my wife. I have this feeling if she�d just do the I love it ifs I listed for her I�d be quite content.

But I know I need to do this exercise. I know I need to be more open and honest with her and express some concerns to her so we get the practice of it. Well that and it�s our homework for the next week.

I�m trying to list some things but no matter what I come up with I can convince myself the AH is really nothing more than me trying to impose my will. Could I live with the behavior? Does it really impact my feelings for her negatively?

Initially Dr. Chalmers wasn�t going to have me provide my wife with any of her LBs. When my wife asked about that the Dr asked if she�d like some and she said Yes. I�d prefer she just focus on the EN IWLII�s ( I Would Love It Ifs (lookey there I just created a new MB acronym ). Having those met are going to be huge for me.

Alright ... let's try this for a topic. I�ve expressed concerns to her about this before. This has to fall into the LB category. I don�t like it.

When she is going to go to her sister�s she gets up earlier. Most times she out of the house by 6:30-7am. She�ll get up that early even if she was up late � 4 or 5 hours of sleep. If she�s not going to her sister�s she�ll sleep in both weekend days until 10am or later. I�m usually up around 7am at the latest. So I�ll get up and do a few things but for the most part I just relax. I can�t make a lot of noise because she�s sleeping so I try to respect that. But it is hurtful that she�ll get up early to go do her thing but if she�s home she�ll sleep in. If we have to be somewhere, of course, she gets up. But even if I think we�ve got a plan where she�s not going to sleep in because we have some things we want to do she�ll still sleep in. On those days I�ll wait for a while (say 9 or 9:30) but eventually I�ll have to go wake her and ask if she�s going to be getting up.

It has been this way for as long as I can remember. Except since she�s been into the horses it�s even more hurtful now because she gets up for that but not for us. A few months back I mentioned my concerns to her � but at that point we were a mess and so nothing changed. She�ll be sleeping in tomorrow no matter what time we get to bed tonight. Maybe this would be something worthy of discussing with her.??

It really does bother you that she sleeps in? Does it really?

Men do a lot more to irritate women than vice versa. Did you know that? Dr Harley said on the radio show that he can't think of a THING Joyce does that bothers him but she is always bringing up things he does that bothers her!

I wonder if they are more like my husband and I. I can't think of a thing that irritates me about him, but I bet he can think of many things about me. For example, the example they use about glasses being left on the counter.. that is ME!! I could care less about clutter. My husband cares a lot more. Maybe that is the difference. Also, what I eat bothers my husband as well. he wants me to make healthier choices. So I have been lately ( and lost 17 pounds!!) We talked today about how much better I have been feeling.

Bravo to you for losing the weight, tiredwife!

Yes, good job.

He's also commented that women will be annoyed by things their husbands do even when in love, but men in love will typically not find their wives to have any annoying habits.

That agrees with my own personal experience.

It does. It feels like I'm second fiddle to her sister and the horses. She spends quite a bit of time out of town with them and not with us. There are a lot of things her and I would like to get accomplished and I've been doing many of them on my own.

So when she sleeps in it's just more of the same.

Her and I discussed this over the weekend and she agreed she could get up. She explained to me the reasoning why she was doing this and, yet again, I�m amazed at how my perspective is so different from hers.

We made an agreement. If I would like her to get up I need to state so in a prior day. She�ll make a point of getting up after getting a healthy amount of sleep ( I certainly don�t want her sleep deprived). On days when we agree there isn�t much going on she�ll sleep as late as she�d like.

So far she shared her one AH with me after I had already showed her that I was going to be more aware. She doesn�t like being a passenger in a vehicle and hates it if I get a little too close to cars in front of me. On T-day the traffic was bad on our way to MILs house but I remembered her stating this to me a long time ago and I consciously tried to stay back a comfortable distance. She thanked me when she revealed this AH to me. I thanked her for being honest and apologized for past discretions.

Things are going really well. Her and I are having fun together again. We�re looking forward to seeing each other and spending more and more time together. We are working hard on meeting each other�s top 5 ENs. Right now she�s on the mark in all of her attempts and she�s checking in to make sure it�s making a difference for me.

We�re early into this program but so far it appears my wife is one of the 9 out of 10.

Congrats on the 17 pounds tiredwife. That is no easy task.

My wife and I are just a couple of weeks into a new way of eating. So far the scale has only moved slightly for me but I'll take slow and steady. I'm done with the quick weight loss programs. We're focusing on these healthier, lower calorie meals that everyone is eating. So no more having to go it alone like I've done about 5 times prior.

The eating plan is becoming a part of our UA and RC time. I've been making most of the meals which is cool as it fulfills her DS need. She's been heavily involved in the planning and purchasing of meals.

It feels great to be doing this as a team.

Another day, another smile!