Well that person existed for 3,5 years and has been gone for a month. I am sure she is gonna snap out of it.

I was guilty of the same thing: so absorbed in my work I forgot to pull down the emotional shield around me as I got home. I became my shield until she shattered it completely.
I find myself to be ME again.
She had to live with the shielded version for over a year.

Cannot blame her really.

Really gerold, someone has to do this

I hope that might have cleared some of your betrayed fog.

You may not have met your ex's EN's as well as you could. But to say you "cannot blame her really"? This suggests she had no option but to go have sex with someone else

Got a txt today:

"Hi, I don't know if you want to see or hear me but I want you to know I do. So contact me, on my way to see some of your friends. Kiss"

And your response is . . nothing

Thus far I have not responded. Pondering if I should, even though I did not plan B her officialy.
My friends said wayward wants time-out to think everything over when she visited them yesterday. whatever.

It's not like she has another option: she is stuck in some storage room at her friends place, with her only source of affection back in Oz.
I am sure she does wants to see me, but then she goes to Australia for her "well deserved" vacation.

I do not want to do anything to drive them closer. I exposed until the level of HIS best friends in Oz (yes, I have met them in Australia a couple of years ago and apparently they are quite mad on the bloke for disrespecting my hospitality)

Then again, she has the HD with all my pictures on it from the last 20 years. Have to meet her before she leaves the 23rd of december to Australia + I want her to move her address from my place.

I am already going in the depression fase, I think.
Do not like it a bit.

There is a very rude expression in America for someone who is second best in a relationship. I will not repeat it. You do not deserve this treatment and will one day be thankful for what you have been spared.

Depression is very valuable. It is the mind remapping of your universe to factor in new knowledge and to therefore shift your reality. Respect your brain whilst it does this, it is heavy effort as a lot of memories have to be shifted. You will know when it has finished because it will suddenly feel as if the sun came out.

Get someone else to collect the hd or ask her to post it to you.

I really appreciated lw's description of depression. It captured my own withdrawal and processing of WH's A.

I also agree with getting someone else to collect the HD... I know you want to see her, but it will prolong your withdrawal from her. It will also help prop up her A... after all, if you still want to see her, her actions can't be that bad, can they? That is how a wayward thinks.

You are now going through withdrawal. Sucks huh?

But if you get another fix of her, it will drag it out for you. Go cold turkey.

And I bet she wants to see you... POSOM isn't meeting her needs so well from another continent, so she wants you to step in meanwhile. Don't. Let her see the consequences... let her build her fairy tale expectations of how once they are "reunited" everything will be rainbows and unicorns. He will never live up to those expectations.

Meanwhile, you will have gone through withdrawal, learned a lot about yourself, and gained some clarity on who she is.

You might not see this yet... but the world is your oyster. You have so many options open to you, because you are learning and becoming wiser.

She caught me on facebook chat this weekend.
Said she really wants to see me.
Was wondering if I was avoiding her as she got no replies from me. She would understand if I don't want to talk to her anymore.

I pointed out I wanted to meet 2 weeks ago:
She proposed to meet this weekend a week ago but I let her know I was not available that day & then she went radiosilent on me aswell. What did she expect? That I keep sending propositions to meet?
She said she was sorry, knew fb would be a bad idea & ran away from the chat.
She send me a message afterwards that she wanted to see me.
With no real proposition.

Maybe we should meet up, she brings the harddisk. I'll ask her to move her address, bring her mail & tell her I do not want to speak to her as long as she is in contact with the Australian bloke & that means at least until she gets back from Oz the 20th januari. Him OR me.

That way I will not get or give a "fix" & stay in withdrawal.

Folks here have already suggested you not meet up. And that you find someone to get the disk for you. And that you end contact.

You can do what you want, but this program has certain principles attached to it. Most of them are more familiar to us than they are to you, since you are relatively new here.

I was in the same boat. Brand new, unfamiliar with the concepts, and still thought that people didn't understand my specific circumstances, so therefore I could modify what they were telling me and do things my own way. It's amazing how we justify our actions to suit our emotions.


opt

If you meet up AT ALL you will reset the clock to zero.

Do not offer her any conditions for returning. This woman is not worth the nail on your little finger. She has so little respect for you that she turned to you for help in enabling her affair. You are worth so much more than this.

Yes I get it. No meeting.

She proposed to meet with a common friend on thursday or with me alone on friday. she proposed to cook for me.
Sorry I find that akward & repulsive right now.
Have not answered yet.
Don't know what to say.

Do not say anything and block her number.

I dropped her a line on fb, that I am not up to meet her at all. That last month was too painful & I am emotionally exhausted.

Met my projectfriend today: She will be meeting her on thursday & will copy the HD instead.
She told me she met my ex the day before her lover left to Oz last week as they had planned a meeting that was long due.
She found herself at a "goodbye party" instead & found the whole thing just weird. As if my ex gf had me replaced by someone else & everything was back to normal. "I did not even had a chance to have a decent talk with your ex! She told me some crazy plans she was brainstorming on."

Anyway I asked projectfriend to stop telling me stuff for a while as I've heared enough wayward fantasy for the rest of the year (and the next one too!) Seems like her friends are enabling this thing too as I suspected & that's not just my opinion. My projectfriend had still hope in this turning out OK but she said MY EX has to act in the next 3 weeks.
I know my projectfriend wants us to come back together, but I told her I gave it all I could & it's all gone now unfortunatly & there is no point in saving anything if she is going to Australia.

It has been 1,5 months and I gave up, instead of plan A'ing her like I intended when I got here. My brain is already accepting the fact that it might be better this way, but I yet have to see what I'll get in return... I am still not optimistic about the prospects AT ALL.

"She answered she will respect my wish & leave me alone, although it hurts her. She knows she hurt me & she wishes it never happened. She hopes I will contact her sooner than later????"

I don't believe a single word she is writing.
But at least she got the message in two sentences.

Deleted her from FB immediatly after.

Did not delete her friends (yet) as it will be much more practical for me to avoid the places she might be at as we do have a lot of common friends & activities. Definitly cannot use bumping into her before she leaves on "holiday" to Australia.

My best friend, living with me atm, informed me he is meeting my ex tonight. Think I am going to pamper myself this weekend, maybe go out for a drink / dance.

You are making great progress, keep up the good work!

While my best friend met my ex last night, I visited one of my oldtime friends Liza & her 2 kids. (not real name)
Her partner (another oldtime friend) is abroad for work unfortunatly.

Apparently my ex is "seeking approval" of her new relationship & wants to join in the activities of my oldtime friends & I. There was little talk of me & my feelings and that bothered my friend a lot.

Lisa's boyfriend & father of her 2 children John goes out to drink with his (mostly single) buddies every thursday.
Lisa made me aware that the single friends of my ex-gf have been joining them the last weeks & she is not at all comfy with that.
She has confidence in Eric and she trusts him 100%.
I saw the desperation in her eyes.
I said she has to pull her bloke away or join them & there is no such thing as 100% trust in a relationship, neither should there be. This is infecting the people I love.

Good advice to your friend.

Why not send her some articles to her from here? Why don't they get married?

Please don't be offended, I will give you an honest answer.

Because I think I should not be fixing other peoples relationship right now.
I dated her 10 years ago when we were both single, we did not get anywere romanticly
but we did experiment with sex. So that is another reason for me to stay out of their relationship.

I live in a shacking-up culture.

My friend has 2 kids, in her head she believes she is in a committed relationship & why should I convince her she is not?

Sorry I am anxious of the fallout of my relationship & the impact of it on my friends. I should not be fixing anything at the moment, except myself.

You have come a long way in a short time Gerold :-)