Dr. Harley did a good job of explaining why it wasn't important to my husband and why he had a different paradigm and that his paradigm is like a lot of other marriage books. He talked about how and why theirs is different. He did a really good job of getting behind my husbands's thinking about how it would be a lot of work. It isn't really necessary. Then he talked about how the wives are the ones that NEED the 15 hours to help feel bonded. He did a very good job of explaining why it is so important to me and yet not attacking my husband either.

Then Joyce talked something I didn't post in my e-mail but is exactly how I feel that I look at my husband and all the good things he does and all the marriage books and all the other people would look at my husband and would love to have him and wonder how I could think it wasn't enough but that I saw what was missing and saw things that could develop into bigger problems later on. She told me not to feel bad for complaining.

They both said we were doing a lot of things right and were glad I was focusing on this now. They want my husband to listen to the show ( They are sending me an mp3 of it I guess.) and then send an e-mail to Dr. Harley..

It made me feel hopeful because Dr. Harley made arguments like my husband would and then refuted them.

Thanks for being there everyone.

Just finished listening to you on the radio! You did great, and I hope listening to the show will help your husband understand what you need.

Anybody have a link to this show as i missed it

DND, and TW45 - you can listen to the rebroadcast today up until 12-1 ET (haven't quite figured that one out yet). 45 - they will not send an MP3, unless that is something new they're doing. You can relisten now, and Brainy might post a link to the show if you ask her real sweet.

I'm anxious to hear your husband's reaction to the show. I think you are very smart to be pursuing this and striving for an even more amazing marriage than you currently have. Your husband is lucky to be presented this opportunity. Most people have no idea - I didn't and it wound me up divorced. People thought we had the most perfect marriage too...

opt

They know that my husband will be out of the country until Saturday, so he can't listen to the show today. They said they would figure out a way to get me a copy of the show. ( I just figured mp3 would be the easiest way.)

Well, they're quite clever, so perhaps that's what they'll do.
I thought it was a good call. It's amazing how they manage to weave in so many concepts that can be applied to all different situations from ONE email.
thanks again for being on the show - it helped a lot of people, for sure.

opt

TW, I have to be honest with you. I'm sure there are women 'who would kill' to have a husband as active around the house as is yours (for a while). But honestly? I'll take my H with his habit of throwing socks on the floor and hiring people to do odd jobs around the house because he's NOT handy.

There is a trade-off for his choring, and that's your relationship. I don't think I'd agree to the trade-off.

Grin.. that would be me!! You should see my room right now. It is completely trashed with clothes everywhere since he isn't home. The only reason I clean is because he likes it.. I honestly wouldn't mind socks being left around either! And I agree with you but what I/she was saying is that people from the outside wouldn't see that. Does that make sense?

Waiting to see if he can skype..

But honestly? I'll take my H with his habit of throwing socks on the floor [/quote]

I will post it as soon as they post it in the archives. They are a few days behind.

They finally posted it.
Radio clip of tiredwife's call
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Ok, so related to Nov 28th show.. Basically I fill all of my husband's needs already. Or I did. Over the last few days I just quit. I wasn't rude. I just didn't rub his head or his back or stuff like that that I know he likes. Well today he asked me out for a date tomorrow. So that means I need to reward him by rubbing his back tonight and doing things he likes, is that correct? That isn't being manipulative?

This is a joke, right?

No...how am I being funny??? Sigh.. I quit because I was mad at him.

How is rewarding your husband for good habits in any way "devious" or "shrewd?" : so when my company runs a sales contest are they manipulating me?


ma�nip�u�la�tion (m-npy-lshn)
n.
1.
a. The act or practice of manipulating.
b. The state of being manipulated.
2. Shrewd or devious management, especially for one's own advantage.
[French, from manipule, handful, as of grain, from Latin manipulus, sheaf, handful; see maniple.]

Or follow up question then I only rub his back when he takes me on a date, right?

I guess because I thought you were supposed to do good things all the time with no thought of reward. The bible says you get your reward in heaven.

Double backrubs with cherries on top :-)

That would be sacrifice, which is gaining at the others expense. It is terrible for marriages and Dr Harley explained why today. The Bible doesn't tell people to gain at the others expense in a marriage. That just leads to resentment. It is a renters mentality and renters keep score. When the score is not even

Was the intention of quitting to get his attention, or to send him a message, or to get even?

On your show you talked about your inability to be honest with him. Was this maybe one of those moments where you could have just been honest with him? "I'm not in the mood to give you a back rub because ....".

tired I think you and I are a lot alike in one respect. We have a hard time being totally honest ,radically honest with our spouses. The reasons why may be different but it�s hard for us to be that open. For me I fear my wife�s response and to some extent I almost feel guilty or selfish when I have to be completely transparent about what I'm feeling. How you get past that may be different for you � but for me I need to lose all disrespectful judgments of my wife. I need to get it into my thick skull that my perception of my wife isn�t necessarily the truth and if I just phrase my openness and honesty in a respectful, thoughtful way the conversations will go much better than I could have ever imagined. I�ve experienced this very thing just this week with her. We�ve talked about a few items I thought were taboo for me to even consider discussing.

YES!!!! That is it EXACTLY.. It was more like giving up sort of. The got one thing wrong on the show and that is that I want him to plan the dates. That is not it exactly but rather that he would see it as a priority. It has been me saying, "when are we going on a date this week?" "What are we going to do fun?" So I just quit asking. It has been a good month since we have been on a date. I had been going in each night as he did his work on the computer, coded surgeries, or dictated charts and rubbed his head and his back etc I quit doing that and just went back to what we were doing before I found marriage builders and just doing my own thing. You said this For me I fear my wife�s response and to some extent I almost feel guilty or selfish when I have to be completely transparent about what I'm feeling.That is it exactly. I don't know how to say what I think or feel. It is deep inside of me. And quite honestly, it would take an hour of talking about nothing and feeling quite safe before I felt like even starting to share. It is me, not him..just the way I am wired. He is much less complicated. He can come in the door and say, "The surgery didn't go well and I am so frustrated or this is going on at the office or whatever. He has always been a what you see if what you get kind of guy.