Well I made the offer.

Little relapse today. My ex seems to have visited most of my friends the past days in seeking support for 'her new relationship'. They said she is out of character, wants to have cake and eat it. Got quite mad and send her a message she should leave my Life aswell and stop hurting my friends.

She asked to meet again

Replied, I cannot meet with someone who chooses to have a relationship bases on my pain.

She replied in anger that it would be my own choice

Well at least you have your answer.

Just from this tiny post (I don't even known your story) she sounds like a drama queen who loves...well, causing pain.

Is he an OM?

Yes, he is an Other Man.

No, she is not a drama queen at all...
I've choosen her because she was low on drama actually.
Well that was before the affair ofcourse.

Now it's 101% drama

Now some clarification is needed. She is
Not married to you so the argument can be made that All if Fair in Love and War

That argument would be a giant love-buster though...

Anyway, they have been convicting warcriminals since Nurnberg, so I can safely say your argument is invalid. ;-)

People really do not change. You are seeing a different person of course but she was not a calm person who woke up one morning as a drama queen. That just did not happen.

I'm betting your terrible experience with the BPD ex led you to overlook some red flags with this one. Just a hunch.

I had a long time out after the BPD relationship.
Well no, that's not true.
After the last suicide threat when the police helped me to get my belongs from our house;
I was hooked up IMMEDIATLY by one of my brothers female friends (Phd chemist) to one of her own dear friends.
A girl who was in as much pain as I was, freshly graduated psychologist.
Her boyfriend left her immediatly once he got the news she was pregnant & she choose to have an abortion.

We literally met, saw eachothers pain & literally didn't leave eachother side for 2 months.

We agreed to stop the mutual rebound thing as soon as we got over the worst & never looked back.
We've met years later & both had a good laugh & talk about it actually.
It was very therapeutic thing for both of us apparently.

After that I didn't date for at least 2 years after the BPD.
Went in therapy with a psychologist, was on a BPD-friends & relatives site,
build a carreer, got happy living on my own.
Started to date with all the knowledge about red flags & BP's.
Dated a couple of women, they all gave me red flags.
They all started relationships soon after.

Dated exclusivly with a girl (I already knew from highschool) for half a year, after some persuasion from her side.
I broke it up as she could not cope with my job/lifestyle.
I was unavailable for days, she crossed a couple of clear boundaries as a result. At one moment she actually thought I was having an affair!
Ok, in hindsight I was freeloading while she was clearly a renter; but things got hectic quite early on and I broke it off.
Our-energy levels, recreational activities did not match up either.

Then I met this girl. No red flags. Ok, she was young a bit insecure but she valued conversation, affection, stability, family
& was not the usual drama queen you expect at her age at all (=her friends)
She was honest, admitted she was lazy & tends to give up.
I did not think she was lazy at all. I saw her quit a lot of recreational activities & projects she setup for herself though.
but she held a steady job & grew in it. Consistent behaviour.
My friends & family were all quite amazed with her actually. All said that this one was a keeper.
She did respect boundaries very well. She had a lot of irrational fear & anxiety in the beginning but we overcame a lot as a couple. She grew into a confident women in 3,5 years & now throws it all away in a partycraze summer with her freeloading enabling friends.

The message I get from people around me is the same:
"Dude I am sorry, I did not see that one comming at all".

I have a huge part in this.
All evidence is against me really.
3 relationships failed because of my job and unavailability as a result I seem to drive my partners completely crazy.

3 failed relationships is nothing to be ashamed of. Now you know about MB so things are going to be different.

Next time you are not going to pick a fixer-upper. You are going to find someone whole and healthy who gives you joy.

Next time you are not going to move in together two weeks after you meet. In fact you are going to stay out of her bed until you really know who she is. Wait 6 months if you can.

Next time you are going to be a freeloader, then a renter. If you decide to become a buyer you will do so via a formal marriage ceremony.

Next time you will talk to her about MB while you are dating and will agree what is needed to safeguard the relationship.

Now that wasn't so hard, was it?

Failed Relationahips?

Well, with this one you can see why.

1. She moves in with you mostly because it is convenient.
Yes, you bonded at the 3 day festival, but really, it was because she probably had no place else good to go.

2. You do not do your most enjoyable recreation with her. You do reading, playing music etc on your own.

3. So you exhibit Independent Behaviors when you do that.

4. Also you probably worked alot and did not spend too much Undivided Attention with her.

5. She was not feeling the affectin from you, I guess, and did not have strong boundaries with the Australians. You in fact almost new this was going to happen.

6. You are not married. So instead of being a "buyer", you were a renter and she was a freeloader. The commitment is not there.

7. You don't want her to live in your house anymore. Good!

8. She said she cannot possibly live without me...I am guessing this means "I don't want to have to pay for my own rent".


So why did this relationship fail? Because you were not investing in it. Is that bad? It is if you want a committed relationship that will last. If you want a girlfriend for a while with no commitment, then probably not. Was this girl worth investing in? Probably not given her age and your age and what are your priorities.

You are indeed very very close and you put your finger on the sore spot. You obviously read the whole tread and I appreciate your comments a lot.

Some nuances:

We did have a lot of common recreational activities. A lot.

I had someone living with me at the moment so the bonding period lasted a bit more than those 3 days, although we were involved. Yes it was convient for her in hindsight, but she was not aware her roommates were going to move out when we started out. No premeditation there.

The thing is, I was a buyer at some point.
The negotiations (or Poja called here) with her were really really difficult & subconsiously I gave up at some point I guess. I ?hid? my feelings or was completely unaware what they were meaning because of the stress.
But I felt something was not right.
That was the part I was emotionaly dishonoust about.
To her & myself.

It took way to long for me to understand my relationship was under strain by the time the Australians arrived.
I was waiting for a conflict actually, not an affait.
And the 100% trust stuff blew up in my face.

She was a buyer at some point too.
My friends said she was ready to have babies, but somehow I was not really convinced at that point.

I retracted to IB & individual recreational activities.
& I cannot forgive myself it didn't ring a bell to either step out the relationship or fight for it. I was not getting my needs met and for the first time in my life I know what that does to me within a relationship. It was not all stress I was feeling!

Anyway, I do not have the feeling this thing is over yet.
This is only the beginning...

My gutfeeling is telling me this isn't over yet & the girl is going to snap out of it & will be back on my doorstep.

If I look what is out there of suitable partners, I honestly think the investment into recovery could be a good idea.
It will take as long as to invest into a new partner anyway.

I am 35, could not care less about someone else kids and have a high IQ. The outlook is pretty grim for me.

We are the same age.

Do uou choose to remain single in Life now?
Or do you think there are loads of suitable partners out there, once the healings is done?

Well the old saying, There are plenty of fish in the sea.
It is a true saying.

But for now I want to be single.

Yes, this girl was worth investing in and I did... or so I thought I did. By reading MB: I realise I invested in the parts we both thought where important: Financial stability, family commitment, honesty, her self-esteem... I did not invest enough in the needs we did not share: Admiration to start with.

Emotional Maturity & Self-Esteem.

For some reason I am approached by all types of instable women.
These are some examples I "met" the last 3 weeks/weekends.
I do not invite these women, I do not make eye-contact with them, I just do not know WHY they approach me.

BPD's are easy to spot from afar, they approach me waving multiple red flags in my face.
Last example was a mother of 5 (!!!) at a party, never met her before. Probably my age.
Out of the blue asking me to have sex with her tonight;
when I said no, she started crying hystericaly like a 3 year old.
My answer: "So you feel rejected? Oh dear, do you think you are the only one in pain?"

25 year old girl, has been a "fan" for the last 10 years (I used to be a Dj & promotor of shows)
Contacts me on facebook while she is still in an on-off relationship.
Tells me she heared the news of my girlfriend & I.
Says she has left her relationship too after they both cheated: "What a coincidence!"
We chat & it is apparent she wants to jump in another relationship right away.
I tell her I need time to heal before getting in a new relationship.
She says she has NOT been NOT in relationships since she turned 17 years old.
(She does not have to convince me as she is a model & breathtakingly beautiful from the outside.)
I tell her I was single for at least 3 years in my life by choice & it helped me to grow up.
She replies she cannot not live without sex.
Although I had a rebound-relationship once in my life which was very therapeutic at the time.
I am not planning to get into one again with someone who is clearly emotionally immature and stearing towards one.
(or has a picture of a bleeding/castrated Ken-doll on her facebook (!!!))

27 year old acquaintance, in a 2 yr relationship with one of 'my' artists.
Artist confided in me years ago as he is an orphan & does not know how or what to feel around women.
He told me he is very jealous when his gf is around other guys.
My ex warned me his girlfriend was into me, I never noticed.
Girl makes advances now on facebook while trying to comfort me with my breakup.
Shallow, very shallow.

37 year old acquaintance, met her at a party recently while she was quite fysical with a young guy on the dancefloor.
Spots me, drops the guy & start to play touchy feely with me instead while asking how I am doing.
I tell her my girlfriend betrayed me & I am in pain.
She IMMEDIATLY takes off to be never seen again that night.
L.O.L. [censored] crazy.

Best friend of my girlfriend, 25 years old contacts me on FB to ask how I am holding up.
She was in a 8yr old relationship which she broke off in spring & I consider her to be one of my ex-girlfriends ENABLERS.
Tells me how she now lives on my block, how she like my food.
I do not invite her, but tell her 'welcome on the block instead'.
Akward!

I keep attracting these toxic women by the truckload, while once in a while a potential healthy girl comes along.
Guess what? I do not even notice them!

Last week while dancing with my best friend he pointed me to a girl who was waiting against the wall.

"That girl has been waiting patiently for 15 minutes for you to talk to her"

I am hopeless.

Have been pampering myself the last days.
Lots of reading, trying to get my mind of
my ex while I am in plan B.

Took my "projectfriend" for a real fancy dinner tonight.
I needed one desperatly & she has been supporting me
through the last months like a real friend should.
She is in state-care now she studying.
Her complete fortune is exactly 3 dollar at the moment.
So we dressed up & got pampered.
The food was excellent & we both enjoyed every moment.
Said she felt like she won the jackpot!

Leaving tomorrow on a flight to Thailand, got 3 weeks of holidays & nothing really planned (not even one hotel booked). Will try to make it to some aquintances for the xmass holidays... Alone time & snorkling are on the agenda after that. Downloaded more Dr. Harley books to read under the palm trees.

Have fun.

so I am having a blast here on Asia, clearing my head.
Get a mail from one of my ex's friends who tells me he knows being betrayed is about the same feeling as someone close to you dying.
Feeling worry for me. Saying he is going to have a talk to her when he is in Oz.

yesterday he posted pictures of my ex and her POS australian OM taking a swim on NYE, embrassing in the water on facebook!
can you believe this sh*t?

Her friends are completely enabling this relationship and rubbing it into my face.
They are ALL so going to hate me for this when they get back.

My ex send over drugs to her friends in Oz 3 months ago by mail, much against my advice.

in the meanwhile my ex still did not change her home address, although I clearly asked her to do so.
I know waywards hate paperwork and I made her clear last month I am willing to go to the police and city council to adjust the situation.

seeing the pictures makes me want to go to the police and make a statement my ex is involved in international drug trafficking.
I am that angry!

doing this will definitly destroy the marriage of the couple she is staying with, as the husband will not get his Oz citizenship.
It will also destroy my ex chances to ever get into Oz again.

I am actually concidering to blow this up and have revenge...
on the other hand, it will clear me as I do not have anything to do with this traffik as she is not living with me anymore.
any thoughts?

Is revenge really the right thing to do?

Why don't you have your ex blocked on Facebook?