Three months ago my told me she was unhappy for the last 5 years and now had told me she loves me but is not in love with me...she explains that I didnt make her feel special...I was doing things for her when I should have been doing things with her...she has a bladder condition that caused sex to be good but would leave her very sore for days after...this caused me to feel rersponsible for her uncomfort and i did pull away from her but over the years had seemed to manage the problem...I would always mak sure that I was'nt hurting her and want to fulfill her needs even if mine were not...she has now separated from me..living on her own and saying that there is no way to think of work'n on the situation with me b/c I have let her down so bad..I'm trying to give her space but she tells me that she met someone who understands her...We have three children and the history of the courtship was dating three years and been married for the last 16yrs...is there any hope...

lostguy,

Welcome to MB.

Hit notify and ask the moderators to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum.

If you have any hope of saving the marriage you need to bust up the affair. There are good folks over there that can help you. There is plenty of hope if you're ready to do the work.

Sorry for what you are going through.

Lostguy, welcome to MArriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that bring you here. The problem is her affair. She left you in order to have an affair.

I would hit mod notify and ask the mods to move this to Survivng an Affair.

Do you have the kids? Does your wife work? Where does she live and who pays for it?

Do you love her, and value your marriage, enough to fight, even unto making her unbelievably angry in the short term?

If not, good luck! It's been a pleasant, if short, chat.

If so, here's your game-plan:

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

In your case, with Skanky already out of your home, you might have to resort to hiring a PI to assemble the evidence cache of her infidelity represented by numbers 2, 3, 4, and 5.

..thks for the survival kit..problem with using it is that she has actually told me that she is speaking with this fellow...said it's just cause he is so understanding and knows what she is feeling..it's bull i know but she continues to contact him even after I asked her to respect herself enough to use the separation to look at what she is actually doing to herself,our kids...

Who is living where? Who's in the marital home? Who has the kids?

...problem with using it is that....

You are confusing your inexperienced projection of the problem with it succeeding ("...she has actually told me that she is speaking with this fellow") with the real problem with its application("...because you're basically afraid of her reaction")

Do you think I had that recipe all made up, and ready to copy-and-paste here, just in case you showed up? Dude, these are the pearls-of-wisdom (not mine, btw) that give EVERY BH the last, best hope to retrieve his marriage.

Let's cut through the nonsense here, lg123. If "talking" was her goal, she would have found a way to do that without all the trouble of moving out. WW is not merely "conversing" with POSOM, unless said conversation is along the lines of "You know, I really liked that part where you put my ankles up over your shoulders!"

You seem to be so beaten down that you do not even resent the damage she's doing to you! Okay, bucko, how about the damage an affair-caused divorce will do to your children?

1) The fraction of affairs that result in stable marriages is ridiculously small, primarily because they are between people whose initial relationship was founded on deceit and betrayal. There will be no "happy home-life" for your kids at Chez Cheaters.
2) Do some research and find the huge incidence of emotional/psychological pathologies occurring to children who are the "victims" of infidelity divorces.
3) Do some more research and discover the incidence of sexual mistreatment of girls (if you have any) by partners of their divorced mothers. The boys, conversely, suffer arguably worse, being raised primarily by their (now single) mothers, developing resentment toward their mothers' actions in bringing about the divorce, translating into problems developing close relationships with females over their lifetime. ("Hey, Mom was an easy piece; it seems all other females should be as well!")

Lastly, WW has told you she has a "relationship" with this scumbag? So she's good with that? Then you should help her by telling Mommy, Daddy, every aunt and uncle, each cousin, all her friends, her coworkers, her religious leader, etc, of her new life, based on her betraying the one you and she had. If she's so "okay" with telling you, she should be "tickled" to have everyone know! (Wanna bet she ain't so thrilled?)

Pearl Harbor Day was four days past. Your position is akin to FDR apologizing to the Japanese emperor about the noise of the exploding American battleships causing ear-pain to the suffering Japanese pilots. The battle hasn't even begun, and you want to surrender!

When she said ILYBNILY it translates as "I'm having an affair". It's not that she doesn't love you but that no relationship can compete with the fantasy la-la land that exists within affairs.

If you bust up the affair - and make her furious in the process - there is a good chance her love for you will still be there after the ashes have settled. Burst the bubble by ruining their future and your real wife may still be there. It's happened before.

But if you play nice, acting like you don't care about an OM, she'll take you at face value and be gone. You'll get to hold her purse while she replaces you with a scumbag.

A vital point