Hi guys, first time on here. I apologize for the post length if this gets long. I am married for 5 years to my wife and we have two kids in that time. Marriage has been up and down. I have been a child throughout and have hurt her by not listening. I even had a bought where I was more detached as I starting having a workplace crush (i.e. an emotional affair, which never led to anything) This created a disconnect in our relationship. She has pulled away and we have fought. Its almost like a mouse trap, where my wife is the mouse going for cheese (our closeness and love) and then i do something stupid and snap the trap. So things have really progressed the last few months. My wife is getting ever more beautiful as she has lost a lot of weight and is working out. I know there are changes there that may make her pull away again. I lost sight of all this we found ourselves recently pulling away again. She has been going out more with work friends and I was none the wiser until we talked recently.

She told me she loves me, but realizes things are stale. She then (to her credit) told me about her feelings for another friend of hers in her group. She also said she was thinking of just not being with anyone (probably cos of the hurt I have brought her) This guy is a player but I had a feelings of cheating once she said this. AT that time, I opened up about my emotional affair...what seemed fine and good after that was not, I was devastated. I became really jealous and started questioning her every move. She wants to try and work things out but she just wants to be happy. Soon after our first talk we had a few bad days and good days. I began reading a book that opened my eyes to big reasons why I was the way I was. There are seemingly easy changes to make and I am working on things. So in all this, we had an argument when I called her on my way home one night and missed part of what she said. She was upset.

I am not one to give up on her. I am trying to be there for her in this. I feel so confident in these changes I am making and just want her to be there to reap the rewards of us. I understand there are two things against me. My previous hurt of her and this guy. The positives are my new outlook and treating her right and the fact that we have kids and great memories overall together.

This guy apparently does not know how my wife feels about her, but I have a feeling that if they are this close, he has to have feelings somewhat for her. She just reacts different to him than me and that is hardest to watch.

Case in point, she recently went out with these friends (giving her space to work through this) normal fun night. Except she comes home and after a few minutes of us talking, starts crying after a text. Turns out this guy is taking another girl to the christmas party at their work (these friends are all coworkers) and she was crying. That there, reaffirmed her feelings were still there. So I thought that might help me. Then yesterday she talks to him again and finds out he is not that into the other girl. I talk to my wife about it and she says she feels better about it. I kinda call her out on it saying "that opens things back up for you two" and shes just like "stop" you dont have to worry about him.

My wife has become flirty and I know there are stresses at home and with her new found confidence she is way more social than previous.

I meanwhile, have been trying to keep the household together financially and provide at home have forgotten how to have fun with my wife.

What has been great is the open communication my wife have had recently. We are telling each other everything, though I still wonder what she isnt telling me about this guy. I have to trust her again so I have to start somewhere but I feel more like a friend than a lover right now.

I know that takes time but it is so hard a process. We are not pursuing counseling at this time because I understand her feelings already and I know if I can get my stuff together, Ill be a better person anyway.

I have been doing little things to remind her about us. What I want to do is just emotionally charge my wife. She has repeatedly told me about her sexual intersts which include rough sex (like throw her up agains the wall type stuff). I need to learn that or wonder if anyone has any good ideas. By nature, Im a pretty laid back guy and not really physically strong or aggressive. I know it is there, just want to tap into it.

Outside of that, I feel hopeful that she is just waiting for the time to feel right about us and I think my constant improvements will help that along. I just need to make her the focus of my world again like she used to be.

At the same time, I do not to be needy about this. I know that is not attractive. So i am trying to play this from a single guy trying to attract a girl (via pick up artist teachings) to have myself reciprocate the same feelings.

I would appreciate any feed back you guys can give.
- Should i spy on her phone? I looked at her facebook once and saw some messages that gave me wrong signals. She then clarified things. that really goes against my trust.

-my wife has never been a good liar and I can tell when she is slipping. Perhaps she got better?

- do i confront the other guy or befriend him? I am friends with him on facebook and defriended when my jealousy took over the first time. i then added back. besides, I let her know my feelings about him and she wants us to be friends actually....which in a perfect world I can see. The guy is pretty nice guy overall.

-the negative part of me (which im trying to silence) is saying that this is all for nothing and maybe just let her go. with the kids things are tough. I am close to telling her that to say its over before things get physical. Id hate to be a part of a physical affair especially if we were not going to work out.

I am just hurt overall. I know this maybe turnabout is fair play, but it hurts to not feel loved like this, but I can understand her a little bit.

Thanks for any advice guys.

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She needs to end contact with him, and you need to end contact with the female friend too.

Am I right in thinking you never revealed your interest to the woman, and that your wife (if we believe her) hasn't told this guy either?

If so you both have very poor boundaries but it has not yet crossed into an EA.

Ending contact with the objects of desire is the FIRST step. You are both comparing each other to ridiculous fantasies. Why on earth would you remain friends with threats to your marriage?

No more opposite sex friends!

Okay, you have some "gut" feelings that there is some heat setting your wife's feelings to perking, but believe there is no "flame" yet?

Good catch, dude. So attack this three ways:

SNOOP! Keylogger on her computer, Flexipro (or similar) on her cell, GPS in her car, along with VAR's in the car, and anyplace else she might "run to" to take private calls.

Start supplying her ENs as strongly and consistently as you can. (Throw her up against the wall for sex? Well, if that's what it takes! Walls are easily repaired; marriages, not so muich!) If you think your diffident personality is not ringing her chimes, dude, start eating raw meat and protein shakes. Be more assertive, but don't be a jerk about it.

You need to find a way to end these "excursions" with co-workers, or go with them. Sorry, the experience here has been that "girl's night out" has inevitably been a cruising opportunity for disaffected women to troll for POSOMs, initially in a supposedly "group" setting. "Can I give you a ride home, as long as we're here?" soon becomes, "Hop in the back seat, I've got fifteen minutes!"

You may have caught this just in time. Don't let this opportunity to prevent a whole lot of heartache pass!

Thanks guys!

I should clarify things. In regards to the female friend I was attracted to, it was about 2 years ago, the entire thing (though nothing happened) lasted about a month and to this day I still talk with the girl without any feelings like that.

Like I may have said, I have had somewhat of a revelation recently with our recent talks and a book I was reading has really helped me be able to stop being a boy and be a man about things.

I agree she needs to end her infatuation with this guy. I currently do not have a female friend I am interested in.

I think I am really trying to focus on her EN's and just being the best I can be in the process. I am kind playing it like I am trying to seduce her again. Looking for ways to playfully get her interest...teasing her. I just am looking for ways to try that.

As far as snooping goes, I go back and forth on that and I am not sure how that builds trust back. She keeps her phone on her most of the time. I have checked her text messages once (which I found a bunch seemed to be deleted) and I have checked her facebook once. The one time I checked her facebook, which was about a week and half ago, I saw messages between her and her guy friend setting up the weekly meet up with their friend group but at one point they were only going to be them two. I reached out to my wifes other friends to confirm this but she wont tell me.

I called my wife when I saw that and confronted her about it. She explained that part but then explained she was calling her friends after that and more people did show up as her original story mentioned. I decided I would trust more and not push her away to this guy at that time.

Right now I feel a little better about her and this guy but there is still the issue of the christmas party they will all be attending. I figure this:

If I keep up what I am doing to improve myself, mix in some romantic ways to have her remember us, and then just be there for her and her ENs., I might have a good shot. Perhaps all she really needs is time.

I also think there is still this "promiscuous side" to her that is coming out and is making her more flirty. I know the amount of weight she has lost has made her more confident but she still has hang ups about herself.

I really am interested in being more aggressive in the romance department, I just to learn more bout that. I have never really taken charge like that, rather went with the flow. Not attractive in the long run, and now I see.

I think what has me slightly confused is her feelings toward me. Example, last night was an impromptu, kid free night. Wife and I went out, bought some alcohol made some drinks enjoyed night. She was on facebook on her phone and started a thread that I was watching her respond to and she ended up finding an old friend in our area. She went to meet him but I do not believe it to be anything sexual (they were never that close) and it was pretty random. And then she came back like 2 hours later and was horny so we had sex. I was drunk and didnt think anything of it but was pissed she came home so late after being pissed that she went without me (that part pissed me off) She told me before this, that the sex didnt mean we were okay yet.

So like I said, my wife has never really been a good liar and she had a detailed story about a friend he was with at the place they went to. So I am inclined to believe her. I am really curious now to check her phone now though just to see what has happened the last couple of days.

I think I need to be more direct with her. If there was a way to get the software on teh phone without her knowing it( she has an iphone) then it might be worth snooping, but now it just adds to the lies and I dont want that.

I feel very disrespected and I think that I might tell her this. Do you think this is a good idea?

Do the snooping. Your gut feelings are big red flags. Snooping helps build trust because if there really IS nothing going on, you will know. Your wife spends too much time with other men, alone or not, and if she is more "flirty", your marriage is in grave danger. How much time with other men is too much? Any time!

Dude, women do not come home from meeting other men "horny" and engage in impulsive husband-sex unless they were trying to get laid and failed to.

Your window for squashing her campaign to become a PA-WW is much smaller than your first note led us to believe.

Jump on this before some POSOM jumps on WW.

Put a keylogger on now.

Here Keylogger Programs

What kind of phone does she have?

Far from being needy, you come across as a husband who doesn't care very much. What kind of husband does nothing while his wife is having an affair? Who wishes her well when she goes out to meet her lover? A husband who doesn't care, that's who.


WHAT goes against your trust? I don't understand this comment. What messages did you see that "gave you the wrong signals?" Can you be specific?


Does it even matter?


That is so cute and winsome. I feel fuzzy all over. If a man broke into your house and was raping your wife, would you friend him on facebook and extol his virtues?

For God's sake, the MAN is having an affair with your wife and you don't comprehend that this man is the enemy of your marriage and your children's family? And you talk about befriending him on facebook?

Are you on narcotics?

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It is very likely this is already physical because of the level of emotional attachment of your wife. Women don't get that emotionally invested unless she has had sex.

The negative part of you has been an ENABLER in this affair via your complacence and lack of caring.

It is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. If you want to save your marriage - if its not too much trouble - you are going to man up and start standing up for your marriage.

I think you should say this to the man in the mirror. You have disrespected yourself and your children by enabling this affair.

[quote=s1979j
I should clarify things. In regards to the female friend I was attracted to, it was about 2 years ago, the entire thing (though nothing happened) lasted about a month and to this day I still talk with the girl without any feelings like that.


[/quote]

Get rid of this female friend. Oh I believe there are no feelings right now. Feelings for OS friends get turned on and off like water.

But how disrespectful to your wife was this? She had to put up with her, knowing feelings could resume whenever she wasn't good enough. You've also set a precedent that its OK to have OS friends. So now its her turn.

You must, must, must see OS friends for the real and present danger they are.

Just snoop for the moment, and I think you will find this out for yourself

In regards to my female friend. She is married with a kid on the way. I'm not her type nor do see her anymore as anything but a friend. I have not seen her in two years as we no longer work together.

I do care but like I stated I'm pretty laid back and think getting all up in her face will push her away. We are going to talk later. But i will snoop.

The user who stated I should snoop until I'm sure. That is a good idea and I am more comfortable with that. It does make sense.

I think I'm dealing with a lot of feelings because I know I [censored] up big time initially. I blame myself, at least for driving her to think this but realize there is only so much blame I will take.

I appreciate the feedback.

Also my wife was never aware of this friend when I was in the midst of things. That is why I blame myself. Only when I told my wife two weeks ago did she first know.


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But no one told you to "get up in her face." We didn't tell you to do that. Your complacence reflects a lack of caring.

Let us know when you are serious about saving your marriage and we can help. But if you aren't willing to do a damn thing to save your marriage, there is nothing we can do to help you.

Nothing we tell you to do can overcome the DAMAGE of your enabling. Enablers don't make it.