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I'm not sure how the legal system works in Uk here in NZ only a Separation Agreement signed off by both lawyers carries any weight.

I would check with your lawyer if a written agreement from WH to pay financial support will stand in court. If so I would get him to state in writing his agreement to support you, given the CS through CSA is less.

All waywards follow a pattern and I doubt he will honour his agreement further down the track.

It's sad IL's choose their relationship with WS over a marriage and family. It is painful when this happens, they fail to realise their acceptance validates the wayward behaviour and enables the A.
Sadly many IL's find denial easier than facing the truth.

Indie was right, unfortunately the OW is calling the shots, she has no boundaries and no regard for you or your baby .... if she did she would not have had an A with your WH. You cannot reason with a WH or OW, nor can you "play nice" you need to protect yourself and your baby... sad but true.

You have received great advice so far and you seem to have the strength and willingness to follow that advice. You are doing really well.


Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14

"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
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Originally Posted by pokerface
Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
That's what I think I should do! With my daughter I mean.

I am unsure though about that! What about if I go there and the ow is in??

You tell OW that you believe that WH is deceiving her also. You can then hand her a copy of the Plan B letter and you will know that she has received it. Tell her the letter explains everything including why WH can no longer come into the family home and carry on his charade of being a real father...until he decides to go NC with her (OW).


That is exactly how I would play it.

Think of it like this: Even if they are tremendously uncooperative and hostile. YOU SHOWED UP TO FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

They will know that much even if they never let you utter another word.

Which means the following.

They will no longer be able to paint you as:

uncaring
lazy
checked out
Or as 'just buds' with WH

I guarantee that last one is his card of choice to play right now.

And if you keep your super calm head on, (especially in the face of hostility) they wont be able to paint you as crazy, deranged or psychotic either.

So you can achieve all of that just by showing up with a well thought out letter and not losing it. Even if you get turned away in seconds.

But I would try to get through the door with some key phrases:

"I think we all need to know the truth of what is really going on"

"I think I need to be clear about what will happen going forward"

"Can we all sit down and talk calmly as adults?"

"I would just like to communicate directly with you rather than relying on what I hear about you"


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Do not reveal anything to your SIL until AFTER you have pushed the Plan B button. I am not sure that she is a true ally.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I have started to withdraw from my h yesterday he called and texted a number of times but ignored him. When he came to have our daughter in the evening he asked why I was being funny with him and had he done something wrong! THE CHEEK!!! I said that we had noting to discuss and we were not friends. I will keep our arrangement until I start fully in plan b regarding contact with his daughter as I need him to play nice regarding certain things.

I have composed my love letter and addendum. He contacted the estate agencts but they are now closed until next friday for the holidays so we cannot get the tenancy agreement switched to my name until then. Once this is done I can submit my forms for housing benefit on the same day.

I am going to ask him to compose a letter stating the amount he will pay for our daughter each month so I have this in writing at least.
I will go into offical plan b from the 1st of jan as my application will be in process and the tenancy will be in my name by then so he he does try to act up with our finances at least I will be in a kind of stable situation. I can also submit my application for child tax credits as I have to go to the council with proof of documentation etc.

I looked up the ow address she is 2 hours away and i dont want to drive that far with my daughter. I have decided that I will send 2 letters including plan b and photos to both her and her parents. The no contact letter just states the specifics regarding our daughter and finances so should i include a seperate letter to both of them (ow and her parents) stating things from my point of view?

It is sad that my inlaws seem to be taking a backseat regarding this whole thing but what can I do?

I will not tell sil anything until everything is sorted and the plan b letters have been sent as I know she would tell my h.

I hand wrote the love letter and have the addendum all ready in my drafts. Do I post the letter or give it to him by hand the last time i will see him?




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Are you still Plan A'ing your WH until you go into Plan B? You need to.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have spoken to my sister and she has agreed to be the im.

In my addendum I have stated that if he does move closer then he can see our daughter in the week after work for a couple of hours but I dont know how this would work with pick and and drop offs as I would have to see him which I know I cant!

He was thinking about moving in with his sister for a bit in her new place once she gets it in january which would be better as she could be there when i drop off d and pick her up. I could state that he is not to come to the door. Do you think that would work?

Last edited by Hopingandwaiting; 12/21/12 12:20 PM.
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you still Plan A'ing your WH until you go into Plan B? You need to.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A


Oh okay I was very off with him yesterday I will plan a until then. I told him I wasnt his friend!
What do I do to rectify this until jan?

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Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you still Plan A'ing your WH until you go into Plan B? You need to.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A


Oh okay I was very off with him yesterday I will plan a until then. I told him I wasnt his friend!
What do I do to rectify this until jan?
Just be the awesome loving wife you can be.

When he calls "oh hi love how are doing?"'. You want him to have very fond memories before you go dark and shut the door. So every time he thinks of you it's good memories.

Smell and look good and act happy. I know it's tough, but you are in war with the affair.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you read this?
The Art of War by Sun Tzhu


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you still Plan A'ing your WH until you go into Plan B? You need to.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A


Oh okay I was very off with him yesterday I will plan a until then. I told him I wasnt his friend!
What do I do to rectify this until jan?
Just be the awesome loving wife you can be.

When he calls "oh hi love how are doing?"'. You want him to have very fond memories before you go dark and shut the door. So every time he thinks of you it's good memories.

Smell and look good and act happy. I know it's tough, but you are in war with the affair.



Okay I will do this! That makes sense. He is coming round tommorrow so I will try to be happy and look the best I can

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Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you still Plan A'ing your WH until you go into Plan B? You need to.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A


Oh okay I was very off with him yesterday I will plan a until then. I told him I wasnt his friend!
What do I do to rectify this until jan?
Just be the awesome loving wife you can be.

When he calls "oh hi love how are doing?"'. You want him to have very fond memories before you go dark and shut the door. So every time he thinks of you it's good memories.

Smell and look good and act happy. I know it's tough, but you are in war with the affair.



Okay I will do this! That makes sense. He is coming round tommorrow so I will try to be happy and look the best I can
Come to the board if you need guidance.
Is there anyway you could go into a dark Plan B before Christmas? Usually it is tougher on the waywards to be away from their families at the holidays.

What happens if you go dark and wait to have the tenancy signed at the 1st?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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[/quote]
Come to the board if you need guidance.
Is there anyway you could go into a dark Plan B before Christmas? Usually it is tougher on the waywards to be away from their families at the holidays.

What happens if you go dark and wait to have the tenancy signed at the 1st?[/quote]

Well I did think about this but if I do this and he decides not to switch over the contract from my name to his then im screwed and I wont be able to get housing benefit as it the tenancy as to be the the applicants name.
I just dont want to risk him switching on me before im stable with my house and finances.

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I have said to him that he will only be seeing our daughter in the morning for a couple of hours as im off to my mums for the night and he will be with his sister and brother as his parents are going abroad for xmas anyway

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Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
[/quote]
Come to the board if you need guidance.
Is there anyway you could go into a dark Plan B before Christmas? Usually it is tougher on the waywards to be away from their families at the holidays.

What happens if you go dark and wait to have the tenancy signed at the 1st?


Well I did think about this but if I do this and he decides not to switch over the contract from my name to his then im screwed and I wont be able to get housing benefit as it the tenancy as to be the the applicants name.
I just dont want to risk him switching on me before im stable with my house and finances.
[/quote]
Ok then Plan A until you go to Plan B on the 1st.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
Well I did think about this but if I do this and he decides not to switch over the contract from my name to his then im screwed and I wont be able to get housing benefit as it the tenancy as to be the the applicants name.
I just dont want to risk him switching on me before im stable with my house and finances.

Hoping. Have you seen a solicitor? I would get some legal advise on your rights and options with a husband who has abandoned his family. Educate yourself and be prepared for whatever he may throw at you once you push the Plan B button. Know your rights and protect yourself by whatever means you have to. That means filing for divorce is necessary. You can always drag it out.

His happy go lucky attitude is going to change when you take his cake away.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 43
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Originally Posted by pokerface
Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
Well I did think about this but if I do this and he decides not to switch over the contract from my name to his then im screwed and I wont be able to get housing benefit as it the tenancy as to be the the applicants name.
I just dont want to risk him switching on me before im stable with my house and finances.



Hoping. Have you seen a solicitor? I would get some legal advise on your rights and options with a husband who has abandoned his family. Educate yourself and be prepared for whatever he may throw at you once you push the Plan B button. Know your rights and protect yourself by whatever means you have to. That means filing for divorce is necessary. You can always drag it out.

His happy go lucky attitude is going to change when you take his cake away.


I will need to do this so I know exactly here I stand a lot of business are closed now until the new year but I will try and call a few next week the 3 working days to see if I can find one that is open.

I have just finished writing all my letters now. They are all ready to send to **edit**, ow and ow parents so will do this as soon as I have been to the housing in the new year.

Last edited by JustUss; 12/21/12 10:37 PM. Reason: removed name
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Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Hopingandwaiting
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you still Plan A'ing your WH until you go into Plan B? You need to.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A


Oh okay I was very off with him yesterday I will plan a until then. I told him I wasnt his friend!
What do I do to rectify this until jan?
Just be the awesome loving wife you can be.

When he calls "oh hi love how are doing?"'. You want him to have very fond memories before you go dark and shut the door. So every time he thinks of you it's good memories.

Smell and look good and act happy. I know it's tough, but you are in war with the affair.



Okay I will do this! That makes sense. He is coming round tommorrow so I will try to be happy and look the best I can


Yes but do not be his best mate, you're his sexy funny wife. Saying you 'aren't friends' was just right. In Plan A you negotiate with him to end his A by setting a good example of what he can expect if he does. A calm loving wife - but one who takes no nonsense.

I'd say something like "I wish things were the way they used to be, I miss our family" Tell him you miss him in bed! Flirt. Say this is hard for you because you know the feelings are still there.

He will love the attention and then boom - youll be gone.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Okay guys so I have gone dark. I just couldbt wait any longer. I gave him the letter this morning and emailed him the addendum.

I then asked him to leave. He looked upset and asked why I was doing this. I said its all in the letter which he read. I have said he can see his daughter on Xmas morning for 2 hours which I will stick to but that is the last time he will see me or step foot in my house again. I just can't deny him his first Xmas without seeing his daughter although I know I should!

He then texted me an hour later asking if he could come round to pick up our daughters presents so he could wrap them. Prior to this he asked if I could wrap them now all of a sudden he wants to.

I ignored the text didbt respond but told my sister to email him telling him I would not respond to any texts or phone calls as stated in the addendum and that I would give them to his sister or I would wrap them as we previously agreed. He told my sister this was fine.

Then just now I get a call from his brother who does not agree with what he has done and doing at all!! He told him I wouldn't let him wrap out daughters presents wtf!!! I told h brother the situation and he completely agrees with my no contact and what I'm doing for me.

I actually feel so much better already and I thought I would cry when he went but I didn't !

Just need to concentrate on every day as it comes now and stay strong for me and my daughter.

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I also wrote a letter to ow mum explaining everything I have also emailed ow and included the no contact addendum I emailed to my husband

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