Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Pep, I've appreciated your story and often shared a link to it on here. I've heard it said it wasn't strictly Marriage Builders, but to me it looks like an instant Plan B with great success. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
I think my years making quick decisions in triage situations served me well.
I made errors, but overall, and without any Marriage Builders at the time .... I done good.
My Mother helped me so much, as did my MIL.
I spend a record minimum amount of time in the "It must be my fault" quicksand.

Also, at 18 months, the affair was not-so-much-fun anymore.
It was very "killable".

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Plus, I was dealing with a WH, not a WW.
Much easier.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 656
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Plus, I was dealing with a WH, not a WW.
Much easier.

Why is that, Pepperband?

(p.s. Congrats on your success story ... learning the truth and handling it successfully.)


FBW in recovery
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Pepperband
I spend a record minimum amount of time in the "It must be my fault" quicksand.

I think that helped dramatically.

I wish everybody could be wired to understand this ahead of time.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by markos
I think that helped dramatically.

Yes.
Also, I spent almost ZERO time in ~~~> "It must be all Predator-OW's fault."

Useless.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by DeltaDriveDeceit
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Plus, I was dealing with a WH, not a WW.
Much easier.

Why is that, Pepperband?

Men (WH) are usually sex-involved with OW.
Usually do not want OW to be their future wife.
My H never saw himself permanently with OW.

Women (WW) are usually very love-future-husband-family invested ... A much stronger bond to break.

Many WW's get dumped by their affair partner on exposure.
WW's do not usually dump the OM on exposure. They say they do, but they lie.

Often, the WH has wanted a way out for awhile.

Are there exceptions?
Sure.
Is there a pattern?
Yes.


Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
Awesome, Pep.

I spent very little time in the "must be my fault" sand. It wasn't helped by the support I received from my own sister and mother.

Have I told you that you're my hero?

Have I also told you that you have a tremendous amount of my respect, because you were willing to.. hmmm... have a vigorous discussion and not become dismissive or belligerent?

That's not common.

Your H is a lucky man, and I'm sure it has been your patience that has helped shape him into a man that makes you a fortunate gal.

Congrats.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
HHH
I think it helps that we ( you & I ) speak a common language.
You know what I mean wink

Medical/science/sarcasm rotflmao

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Pepperband
HHH
I think it helps that we ( you & I ) speak a common language.
You know what I mean wink

Medical/science/sarcasm rotflmao

hurray

Emphasis on the sarcasm.

Try to keep it in check here, but sometimes the beast can't be boxed.

mr eek


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Pep, I remember reading this thread a year ago. I was CERTAIN that I had posted. Just re-read it and I am not there. I had to make it right.

Thank you for your help. You were the person I clung to a year ago. Remember "WWPD?" HAHAHAHAHAHA Love ya kiss


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Quote
Remember "WWPD?"

I love this!! Lol... Pep's one of my heroes too.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
Halloween time 2005. I'm looking on my husband's computer for a song that my daughter sent to us that she recorded with her band.

I see a file labeled with a body part that starts with "t".

Out of a strange fear, I open it. There is OW in all her glory, topless.

I knew right then.


I left the photo up and went to my husband and said:

I HATE YOU.

He looked at me and ran to the computer. At first he tried to deny it, saying that she just sent it to him...

I looked at him and told him to stop lying. And:

I HATE YOU.


It was only a few hours later - after I told him that I was leaving him - that he confessed, with a trickle truth to follow.

A weel or so later, he had a biopsy for prostate cancer.


The night before Thanksgiving, at 8 pm, the doctor called us with the news that he was positive, would need surgery, and that meant


the possibility of never having SF again.


Christmas found me begging God that the OW would not be the last sexual memory my H had.

I was on the crash-course of MB, rushing things along so that we could be sure recovery would happen before that surgery. I Plan A'd until I thought my soul would die.

He had the surgery after Christmas, only three days after my Dad had heart surgery.

My H was devastated and thought his life was over, that he would never make it up to me. I thought the same thing, but prayed for a different outcome.


That year after his surgery was terrible. 2005 and 2006 were the roughest years of my life.

I wonder, looking back, if God's intervention was that He wanted us to reconnect on a different level?

Somehow, even with H's trickle-truth approach, we made it through the year. And finally, God's grace intervened, and my H recovered his sexual abilities.


Gently, we nursed him to health, and our marriage, too.

Each year gets a little easier. I still cry when I look back, though. Five years, and I still wonder how I could have been so oblivious. Or how he could have been so cruel...


It doesn't pay to dwell, because memories can take me back in more ways than one, and my focus now is the future, and the NOW.


NOW, I have a husband who has worked very hard to regain my trust, show his love and appreciation for me, and treats me like a queen.

Like Pep, I was stuck in the "my fault" canyon. NOW, it's evident that it was all about him.




I see Christmas this year as a little melancholy for me at times, because I cannot help looking back and its hard not to wallow in that old pain.


So I lean on my H, and he pulls me into today.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
What a story SB, puts a little perspective on my own situation.

Do you ever wonder why god throws this at us all at the same time? What with you finding out about the affair, then coping with your H and your dads illness. How did you get through? Maybe he could cut us some slack and space it out a bit smile

I am so happy that your H treats you like a queen, how lovely.

Last edited by Harmony2010; 12/11/10 12:29 PM.

BW/FWW 34 (Harmony)
BH/WH 36

Feb 2009 - Affair starts, physical for 9 days on business trip.
Mar 2009 - Separate from H, live alone
Apr 2009 - realise I have made big mistake and attempt reconciliation with H, establish NC with OM.
Jun 2009 - H physical and emotional serial A start right upto present day.
Jul 2009 - NC with OM broken and becomes EA
Mar 2010 - H reads email and discovers A
Jul 2010 - Discover MB
Aug 2010 - Plan A starts
Oct 2010 - Plan B starts
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 120
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 120
Thank you for posting this, Pep.

Your strength was amazing. Plain and simple.

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
I guess I don't question God's reasons anymore. I figure it's my job to meet His challenges as He tosses them my way

and do the best I can with what He gives me.


I figure that compared to many other people, I have it mighty good.

After all, I HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
I will never forget Christmas of 2003. We were separated, I'd moved into plan D, and realized nothing could change ever. But still sad.

My xh conned the courts, somehow getting off paying very little cs to me and tried to ruin me financially for exposing his little extracurricular activities (he was then a ceo).

My intermediary could not come as it was holiday time, and there was a drop off/pick up of my son. I thought it unusual as my ex did not even ask for my son during all of his preschool winter break.

When he drove up to bring my son back from only having him overnight, he got out, looked at me hard (we were at a gas station in full public) as if he hadn't seen me in ages, and had tears in his eyes. I know he was going grey, but saw suddenly his goatee and hair had been dyed full black (his younger color) and I knew.

He was leaving to go get married to the ow. The pregnant ow. I looked at him in an instant and said "Good luck and happy new year. Looks like I'm going to be the only one with a fresh start and who can date."

I remember the wind knocked out of me. My little son was so young then, and he didn't know why mommy was speechless on the drive home. I remember crying and crying all night long and felt well...defeated.

So, a few good friends knew of this, and took me out on new years' eve (the day after he married the ow) and took me to a new years' eve ball. I made sure to look my best and even bought a new evening gown, I was determined to start over. Right before midnight, my friends went up to the band and told them what I'd just endured, and how I was determined to start my life over in 1994, and so the band dedicated their cover of No Doubt's "It's My Life" to me as the clock struck 12.

I did shead a tear or two dancing with my friends on the dance floor. And somehow we got our photos (the group of us) in a local society magazine. It was a great pic.

So what did I do? I sent out a "Happy New Year..New Life" card to all my friends, and all my xh's friends with that photo in the card of me on the day I began MY LIFE again.

Feel free to borrow my starting over song if you want to!

I am always reminded of this time when new years' eve rolls around.

And wouldn't you know it? My second date with my dh now, was on new years' eve.

I started over. Sure did.






Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Pep your amazing. Thanks for spreading your wisdom to those of us who need to hear.



Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Annual December "bump" of this thread.
It will be 15 YEARS at the end of this month.

Another year has just flown by.
A difficult year.
A great year.
I'm alive.
I never felt so close to God as I do today.

It will be 16 YEARS at the end of this month.

God Bless every Marriage Builder and everyone you love.
God Bless the entire Harley clan.

Last edited by Pepperband; 12/07/11 11:54 AM. Reason: clan not klan ... LOL
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
It will be 17 years in 4 days.

To the currently suffering spouses, there will come a time of healing. No matter what your wayward does, you can/will heal and thrive.

I remember thinking that my life was ruined and I would never allow myself to feel vulnerable again.

I am now vulnerable, and the happier for it.

God's blessings everyone.


santa001

Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,071 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5