Pep, I've appreciated your story and often shared a link to it on here. I've heard it said it wasn't strictly Marriage Builders, but to me it looks like an instant Plan B with great success.

I think my years making quick decisions in triage situations served me well.
I made errors, but overall, and without any Marriage Builders at the time .... I done good.
My Mother helped me so much, as did my MIL.
I spend a record minimum amount of time in the "It must be my fault" quicksand.

Also, at 18 months, the affair was not-so-much-fun anymore.
It was very "killable".

Plus, I was dealing with a WH, not a WW.
Much easier.

Why is that, Pepperband?

(p.s. Congrats on your success story ... learning the truth and handling it successfully.)

I think that helped dramatically.

I wish everybody could be wired to understand this ahead of time.

Yes.
Also, I spent almost ZERO time in ~~~> "It must be all Predator-OW's fault."

Useless.

Men (WH) are usually sex-involved with OW.
Usually do not want OW to be their future wife.
My H never saw himself permanently with OW.

Women (WW) are usually very love-future-husband-family invested ... A much stronger bond to break.

Many WW's get dumped by their affair partner on exposure.
WW's do not usually dump the OM on exposure. They say they do, but they lie.

Often, the WH has wanted a way out for awhile.

Are there exceptions?
Sure.
Is there a pattern?
Yes.

Awesome, Pep.

I spent very little time in the "must be my fault" sand. It wasn't helped by the support I received from my own sister and mother.

Have I told you that you're my hero?

Have I also told you that you have a tremendous amount of my respect, because you were willing to.. hmmm... have a vigorous discussion and not become dismissive or belligerent?

That's not common.

Your H is a lucky man, and I'm sure it has been your patience that has helped shape him into a man that makes you a fortunate gal.

Congrats.

HHH
I think it helps that we ( you & I ) speak a common language.
You know what I mean

Medical/science/sarcasm

Emphasis on the sarcasm.

Try to keep it in check here, but sometimes the beast can't be boxed.

Pep, I remember reading this thread a year ago. I was CERTAIN that I had posted. Just re-read it and I am not there. I had to make it right.

Thank you for your help. You were the person I clung to a year ago. Remember "WWPD?" HAHAHAHAHAHA Love ya

I love this!! Lol... Pep's one of my heroes too.

Halloween time 2005. I'm looking on my husband's computer for a song that my daughter sent to us that she recorded with her band.

I see a file labeled with a body part that starts with "t".

Out of a strange fear, I open it. There is OW in all her glory, topless.

I knew right then.


I left the photo up and went to my husband and said:

I HATE YOU.

He looked at me and ran to the computer. At first he tried to deny it, saying that she just sent it to him...

I looked at him and told him to stop lying. And:

I HATE YOU.


It was only a few hours later - after I told him that I was leaving him - that he confessed, with a trickle truth to follow.

A weel or so later, he had a biopsy for prostate cancer.


The night before Thanksgiving, at 8 pm, the doctor called us with the news that he was positive, would need surgery, and that meant


the possibility of never having SF again.


Christmas found me begging God that the OW would not be the last sexual memory my H had.

I was on the crash-course of MB, rushing things along so that we could be sure recovery would happen before that surgery. I Plan A'd until I thought my soul would die.

He had the surgery after Christmas, only three days after my Dad had heart surgery.

My H was devastated and thought his life was over, that he would never make it up to me. I thought the same thing, but prayed for a different outcome.


That year after his surgery was terrible. 2005 and 2006 were the roughest years of my life.

I wonder, looking back, if God's intervention was that He wanted us to reconnect on a different level?

Somehow, even with H's trickle-truth approach, we made it through the year. And finally, God's grace intervened, and my H recovered his sexual abilities.


Gently, we nursed him to health, and our marriage, too.

Each year gets a little easier. I still cry when I look back, though. Five years, and I still wonder how I could have been so oblivious. Or how he could have been so cruel...


It doesn't pay to dwell, because memories can take me back in more ways than one, and my focus now is the future, and the NOW.


NOW, I have a husband who has worked very hard to regain my trust, show his love and appreciation for me, and treats me like a queen.

Like Pep, I was stuck in the "my fault" canyon. NOW, it's evident that it was all about him.




I see Christmas this year as a little melancholy for me at times, because I cannot help looking back and its hard not to wallow in that old pain.


So I lean on my H, and he pulls me into today.


SB

What a story SB, puts a little perspective on my own situation.

Do you ever wonder why god throws this at us all at the same time? What with you finding out about the affair, then coping with your H and your dads illness. How did you get through? Maybe he could cut us some slack and space it out a bit

I am so happy that your H treats you like a queen, how lovely.

Thank you for posting this, Pep.

Your strength was amazing. Plain and simple.

I guess I don't question God's reasons anymore. I figure it's my job to meet His challenges as He tosses them my way

and do the best I can with what He gives me.


I figure that compared to many other people, I have it mighty good.

After all, I HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE.


SB

I will never forget Christmas of 2003. We were separated, I'd moved into plan D, and realized nothing could change ever. But still sad.

My xh conned the courts, somehow getting off paying very little cs to me and tried to ruin me financially for exposing his little extracurricular activities (he was then a ceo).

My intermediary could not come as it was holiday time, and there was a drop off/pick up of my son. I thought it unusual as my ex did not even ask for my son during all of his preschool winter break.

When he drove up to bring my son back from only having him overnight, he got out, looked at me hard (we were at a gas station in full public) as if he hadn't seen me in ages, and had tears in his eyes. I know he was going grey, but saw suddenly his goatee and hair had been dyed full black (his younger color) and I knew.

He was leaving to go get married to the ow. The pregnant ow. I looked at him in an instant and said "Good luck and happy new year. Looks like I'm going to be the only one with a fresh start and who can date."

I remember the wind knocked out of me. My little son was so young then, and he didn't know why mommy was speechless on the drive home. I remember crying and crying all night long and felt well...defeated.

So, a few good friends knew of this, and took me out on new years' eve (the day after he married the ow) and took me to a new years' eve ball. I made sure to look my best and even bought a new evening gown, I was determined to start over. Right before midnight, my friends went up to the band and told them what I'd just endured, and how I was determined to start my life over in 1994, and so the band dedicated their cover of No Doubt's "It's My Life" to me as the clock struck 12.

I did shead a tear or two dancing with my friends on the dance floor. And somehow we got our photos (the group of us) in a local society magazine. It was a great pic.

So what did I do? I sent out a "Happy New Year..New Life" card to all my friends, and all my xh's friends with that photo in the card of me on the day I began MY LIFE again.

Feel free to borrow my starting over song if you want to!

I am always reminded of this time when new years' eve rolls around.

And wouldn't you know it? My second date with my dh now, was on new years' eve.

I started over. Sure did.

Pep your amazing. Thanks for spreading your wisdom to those of us who need to hear.

Another year has just flown by.
A difficult year.
A great year.
I'm alive.
I never felt so close to God as I do today.

It will be 16 YEARS at the end of this month.

God Bless every Marriage Builder and everyone you love.
God Bless the entire Harley clan.

It will be 17 years in 4 days.

To the currently suffering spouses, there will come a time of healing. No matter what your wayward does, you can/will heal and thrive.

I remember thinking that my life was ruined and I would never allow myself to feel vulnerable again.

I am now vulnerable, and the happier for it.

God's blessings everyone.