I am glad that I found this forum, and reading the material and watching the video and the radio segments are very helpful to me. I will start by giving some background to what has been the most challenging year of my life emotionally, where it seems that my wife has taken on a whole new personality to the point that she is like a complete stranger to me at times.

Late Spring, I noticed a change to where she lost interest in sex, or any physical contact with me. She would make excuses, say she was tired, etc. We have had spells where this had happened before but never lasted more than 2 or 3 weeks. But this time was different.

There was some personal factors that were happening: One was that her mother was not doing well in a nursing home ( she later passed away in September) the other was that I was comitted to working alternate weeks out of town, I am self employed and did not have much option but to keep working. Through the end of October I had travelled 21 different weeks for work.

After a couple of Months of zero intimacy, I asked her if it was me ? is there things that we could work on etc. She told me that she was having medical issues with blood loss and was getting tested for cervival cancer etc - which was an additional factor. Outside of the intimacy issue, we would get along ok, but for me, i think it may have led to mood issues.

When I was out of town, on my calls back home, there would be frequent occasions where she would not be home, and would not answer texts, or pick up her cell phone. I would discuss when I would return home and was accused of being suspicious.
I asked her if she was seeing someone else and she told me no - I suggested marriage counselling, and she said no.

After several more weeks of the same, I decided to purchase a GPS tracking device that could be dialled up by cell phone. The next week wjhhen I was working out of town, I discivered that her car was parked at a motel near her work for more than 3 hours - I was devastated. She returned to the motel the following night. ( this was mid October)

I confronted her by telephone about the Motel visits before I returned home. She did not offer any explaination, and told me that she did not have to tell me anything.

After I returned home, she told me that the motel visits did not happen - I showed her the GPS to valilade what I had told her - that was probably a mistake but when you have no secrets from each other for 24 years - its a hard habit to break.
I admit that during the couple of weeks after the affair discovery, we were confrontational with each other and said some things that were regretable.
I was emotionally drained - I called around and made an appointment with a marriage counsellor - she did not turn up - and I used tge appointment as an individual session - same with the next visit.

To my shock - the Monday after Thanksgiving I received a copy of divorce papers in the mail.

At the third counselling session, she turned up for the meeting, and stated that as far as she is concerned, there is no affair, and the marriage is over.
Since then - we have been cordial with each other over the holidays.

As far as the affair goes, I think it is continuing, there is a temporary therapist assistant that she works with ( and supervises) that stays at the motel where the gps said she was. If this is the AP, then she spends most of every work day with him.

I am resolving myself to the fact that this may be over for us - my therapist said that my #1 priority id to "take care of me" which I agree with. If I were to go back in time I would not have taken on the work that I did at a time when she needed me. Sometimes I think that I am still in love with her, other times when her "new" personality comes out, I think I will be glad when its over. We have a court date on Jan 2nd to go over preliminary custody issues.

Any constructive comments would be welcome.

Thanks

Thanks for the response GloveOil - I told my parents that there was an affair when I called them after the divorce papers were filed. he took care of telling her side of the family ( her brothers and sisters) I am sure that she told them that there is no affair is trying to make me out to be some kind of overly suspicios nut job.

I think that exposure to her friends that she works and her employer with will lead to employment termination. I discussed the exposure idea with an attorney and he told me that If I did something that would affect her employment status, it would not be a good idea.

Thanks !

Welcome to MB?

Who is OM? Is OM married?

Please read.
Exposure 101

Tough question here for you here, Southpaw, but is your preferred outcome (1)to give it your last, best shot to try to save your marriage, or (2) to proceed straight to divorce & get the best possible divorce deal?

If it's (2), then take your lawyer's advice.

If it's (1), then tell your lawyer that while you appreciate his legal advice, he doesn't know squat about busting up affairs & saving marriages and ought to stick to practicing law. If exposing the affair to their workplace would get one or both of them fired, that'd be exactly the outcome you want, in order to help bust up the affair. It won't seem as exciting, for her, to be having an affair with an unemployed bum who's too broke even to afford a dingy motel room; and it won't be as convenient, for him, to be having an affair with a woman who can't afford to pick up her half of the check, ever. Besides, as long as you stick with the truth, you're on firm legal ground. It's still completely legal to state the truth in this country.

Brainhurts - I think the guy is single ( single and 47 year old - might be divorced)

GloveOil - I appreciate your candidness - I am currently trying to decide between #1 and #2 which is the mai reason that I posted - I love my wife, I find the information on MB very useful, but in my case I think the horse may have bolted out of the stable. I think that she may be rushing into the divorce process in order to show commitment to the OM. What the heck - he has known her for all of about 8 months - and does not have to worry about paying any bills yet, or getting a kid to practise.

If your wife is fired it would be because of HER OWN ACTIONS.

It may give you grounds for sole custody of your DD15. Are you going to share your DD with the OM? Does your lawyer think that is a good idea too?

It looks like that is the direction that you are headed.

I told my oldest Son who is visiting from College right now - he told me that his mom had stated to him that I was suspicious about an affair, but there was none - now he is in the middle which is wrong. I told him that I am looking at the exposure to family and friends and he has a problem with it.

Brainhurts - I think the guy is single ( single and 47 year old - might be divorced)

GloveOil - I appreciate your candidness - I am currently trying to decide between #1 and #2 which is the mai reason that I posted - I love my wife, I find the information on MB very useful, but in my case I think the horse may have bolted out of the stable. I think that she may be rushing into the divorce process in order to show commitment to the OM. What the heck - he has known her for all of about 8 months - and does not have to worry about paying any bills yet, or getting a kid to practise.

Have you searched for the OM? What if he's married?

Well, you can let your wife spin this whichever way she wants (as she's obviously been doing already), or you can get your evidence & the truth out there.

ALL of your kids are old enough to know what's going on. They deserve the truth about what's happening in their family & why, because the divorce will affect them a great deal. By abetting your wife's coverup, you're making it easier for her to avoid the consequences of her affair, which makes it easier for her to stay in the affair. Now after the divorce, she's going to make you out to be some overly-suspicious nutjob, as she's already doing vis-a-vis your oldest boy. She'll tell them that the other man is just some nice guy who was a "friend" of hers & who she connected with after your divorce. That way, they'll think he's a great guy.

You need to tell them about the GPS, what you found, how she lied about what she was up to, the truth. Or else someday, those kids are gonna find out anyway, and then they may wonder why BOTH of their parents lied to them. You might not get out of this with your marriage -- as you say, this horse may have slipped the harness. But at least get out of it with the respect of your children, no?

You will never make a good decision if you remain on this path. The wayward mind is very good at jerking the betrayed mind around. One day they are a delight, the next day wayward alien.

She is still inside that alien. The A is what has changed her. If you bust up the A and she goes through withdrawal THEN you will be in a position to decide.

Can you do more snooping to discover who the OM is? I am guessing you dont want a POSOM around your kids at the very least and there are ways to run him off.

Seriously, whatever your decision about your marriage, consider your kid's and tehir prospective stepdad. The figures of how many second marriages lead to child abuse are not great. Particulary when its a scuzzball who seduces a married mother in a motel. Hardly great stepdad material.

I didnt realise your kids were that old. I am sure they will want to help you in keeping this sleaze away from their mother. Tell them the truth. Dont lie to them

Let your DD15 know who OM is so that she can protect HERSELF from this sleaze.

Indiegirl - I agree with your comments, and I have already expressed these feelings to my wife - I asked how much trust she is going to have with a relationship like this, with someone that thinks adultry is ok. I agree that six months from now I do not want him near my kids. My wife is staying silent, and non responsive whe I ask her to level with me, and continues to deny the affair.

As far as snooping goes, I have done all I can for now - I looked at the parking lot where she works -looked at all of the cars parked near hers - compared with the motel parking lot and got a match.

She passworded me out of looking at her facebook page, I looked at her "friends" through my kids account - I found out who the AP is , the temp who works there and stays at the motel 4 days a week.

I think I may send an email to her brothers and sisters and whatever friends I have email addresses for this weekend before the hearing on the 2nd. Then at the hearing, she is expecting me to go along with alternate weekend custody - I am going to object, and insist on joint legal and physical custody.

Thanks

Hire a PI. Go for SOLE CUSTODY. Don't let your DD15 be anywhere near this OM. For her own safety.

Have you done a background check on this guy?