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It sounds like you are out of the home. Why? Cant you move back in and snoop properly?
A PI should be able to get you OMs identity and the proof you need for a nuclear exposure. I would wait until you can expose on all sides before sending out emails here and there. I would get one who can get you background info on the OM too.
You would be AMAZED how many smart, successful and beautiful women fall into As with serial cheats, abusers and people who have done jail time.
'Trickle' exposures are not effective. You need the APs to feel it on all sides - workplace (if a WP affair) his family and friends, her family and friends - everyone coming down on them at once and making the A more trouble than it is worth
Last edited by indiegirl; 12/27/12 04:54 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I told him that I am looking at the exposure to family and friends and he has a problem with it. Why not send him here to get advice? We've spoken to children affected by As before. It would be hard for him to grasp if he doesnt understand the results you would be after. Most people immediately expect the worst from other people's reactions too. When I exposed people were warm and concerned and most people urged my husband to save the marriage - a complete shock to me!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Indiegirl - I agree with your comments, and I have already expressed these feelings to my wife - I asked how much trust she is going to have with a relationship like this, with someone that thinks adultry is ok. I agree that six months from now I do not want him near my kids. My wife is staying silent, and non responsive whe I ask her to level with me, and continues to deny the affair.
As far as snooping goes, I have done all I can for now - I looked at the parking lot where she works -looked at all of the cars parked near hers - compared with the motel parking lot and got a match.
She passworded me out of looking at her facebook page, I looked at her "friends" through my kids account - I found out who the AP is , the temp who works there and stays at the motel 4 days a week.
I think I may send an email to her brothers and sisters and whatever friends I have email addresses for this weekend before the hearing on the 2nd. Then at the hearing, she is expecting me to go along with alternate weekend custody - I am going to object, and insist on joint legal and physical custody.
Thanks So the OM works with her? So you should know his name? Have you looked for him on Facebook?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have already expressed these feelings to my wife This is like telling someone drunk off their azz that alcohol is bad for you. She knows this. She's enjoying the buzz too much for pesky things like 'thinking'
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Indiegirl - I agree with your comments, and I have already expressed these feelings to my wife - I asked how much trust she is going to have with a relationship like this, with someone that thinks adultry is ok. I agree that six months from now I do not want him near my kids. My wife is staying silent, and non responsive whe I ask her to level with me, and continues to deny the affair.
As far as snooping goes, I have done all I can for now - I looked at the parking lot where she works -looked at all of the cars parked near hers - compared with the motel parking lot and got a match.
She passworded me out of looking at her facebook page, I looked at her "friends" through my kids account - I found out who the AP is , the temp who works there and stays at the motel 4 days a week.
I think I may send an email to her brothers and sisters and whatever friends I have email addresses for this weekend before the hearing on the 2nd. Then at the hearing, she is expecting me to go along with alternate weekend custody - I am going to object, and insist on joint legal and physical custody.
Thanks So the OM works with her? So you should know his name? Have you looked for him on Facebook? He's only guessing though, Brainy. Shouldnt take a PI too long to confirm though
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Have you looked for him on Facebook? If you can find him on Facebook, copy all his contacts into a word document and keep those contacts somewhere safe. He may wise up and block you. And you will need those contacts later when you have proof and are ready to expose.
Last edited by indiegirl; 12/27/12 05:03 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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She passworded me out of looking at her facebook page, I looked at her "friends" through my kids account - I found out who the AP is , the temp who works there and stays at the motel 4 days a week. So the OM works with her? So you should know his name? Have you looked for him on Facebook? He's only guessing though, Brainy. Shouldnt take a PI too long to confirm though Oh I took that he said he knows who the AP is from above?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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We can't give you legal advice, Southpaw. If you're traveling 20 or more weeks in a year, my (un-legally-educated) guess would be that sole custody would be a pipe-dream.
But setting that aside: You say you're on the fence about whether to try & save your marriage, but actually, you're not on the fence at all: Please realize that if you're choosing NOT to massively expose the affair, including to employers & children, then by taking that sort of passive approach to the affair, you ARE making a choice to let the affair continue & become entrenched and to let the marriage die.
Whether you realize it or not, you are already making a choice. So just make sure it's the one you intend to make.
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On the Facebook issue - She found out that I was accessing her FB friends through my son's account, so she changed her settings so they could only see "mutual" friends - so now I do not have access. However, before she did that, I did find out this guy's name, and what kind of car he drives ( from the parking lot study). I know that she was at the motel for 3 hours on the first night I tracked her. She mentioned in passing that this guy's mother had passed away, I tracked down the obituary and got more info on him. I don't know if the PI is going to add much.
The cell phone texts with the google map locations of the motel are gone - The cell phone company can only give them to an attorney when asked for, so I know I can get them
Me: BS - 55
Her: ex W - 50
Together 25 years Married 1990
DD 10/16/2012
DS 24&20
DD - 17
Currently in Plan B
Divorce Papers Filed 11/29/2012
Final Divorce hearing June 2013
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Glove Oil - this is exactly the kind of clarity I need - I am glad I posted - I think I get what you are telling me.
( apparently I am doing the equivalent of giving the alcoholic more to drink ?)
Thanks
Me: BS - 55
Her: ex W - 50
Together 25 years Married 1990
DD 10/16/2012
DS 24&20
DD - 17
Currently in Plan B
Divorce Papers Filed 11/29/2012
Final Divorce hearing June 2013
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 97
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I should also explain that the travel every other week opportunity has ended, so I am doing some smaller home based jobs, and supplimenting my income from the 1 years worth of cash flow saved up.
Me: BS - 55
Her: ex W - 50
Together 25 years Married 1990
DD 10/16/2012
DS 24&20
DD - 17
Currently in Plan B
Divorce Papers Filed 11/29/2012
Final Divorce hearing June 2013
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Posts: 1,709
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We can't give you legal advice, Southpaw. If you're traveling 20 or more weeks in a year, my (un-legally-educated) guess would be that sole custody would be a pipe-dream. My advice was not meant to be legal advice. Southpaw. What can you do to protect your DD15 from the risks of some OM who has no problem sleeping with a married woman and breaking up her family? Are you willing to take the risk that DD15 will be safe with him? Think about it Southpaw.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Thanks All - I am getting a great deal of comfort in what you are telling me - In the last two months I have been laid off, found out my wife was having an affair, and had divorce papers filed on me. I think you folks here are the first people to listen to me. The only other discussion I have had has been with my wife and with the therapist. Talking with the therapist helped, but she was guiding me in the direction of acceptance, even suggested that I seemed desparate in wanting to save my marriage.
Me: BS - 55
Her: ex W - 50
Together 25 years Married 1990
DD 10/16/2012
DS 24&20
DD - 17
Currently in Plan B
Divorce Papers Filed 11/29/2012
Final Divorce hearing June 2013
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Posts: 1,709
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What are your living arrangements?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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I am still at home - a large place with ample room to avoid each other when needed.
Me: BS - 55
Her: ex W - 50
Together 25 years Married 1990
DD 10/16/2012
DS 24&20
DD - 17
Currently in Plan B
Divorce Papers Filed 11/29/2012
Final Divorce hearing June 2013
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Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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Thanks All - I am getting a great deal of comfort in what you are telling me - In the last two months I have been laid off, found out my wife was having an affair, and had divorce papers filed on me. I think you folks here are the first people to listen to me. The only other discussion I have had has been with my wife and with the therapist. Talking with the therapist helped, but she was guiding me in the direction of acceptance, even suggested that I seemed desparate in wanting to save my marriage. That's because most marriage counselors have a 84% failure rate of saving marriages, especially from infidelity. Dr. H has a wonderful program with a 100% success rate when both spouses are onboard. When is your plan to tell the rest of your children the truth? You also need to expose on OM's side, parents, siblings at the very least.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Glove Oil - this is exactly the kind of clarity I need - I am glad I posted - I think I get what you are telling me.
( apparently I am doing the equivalent of giving the alcoholic more to drink ?)
Thanks Hi southpaw, welcome to Marriage Builders. The others have given you great advice. Your best hope of killing this affair is exposure. By keeping the secret - or by allowing your WW to spin the story to her family - you only protect the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret only fuels the affair. Your attorney only has the goal of facilitating an amicable divorce. He doesn't give a rip if you save your marriage or if your children have to have this RAT for a step daddy for the next 20 years. Taking advice from an attorney about exposure will get you nowhere. Whether or not you decide to pursue your marriage, you still want to run this rat off. And exposure will do that. Please go read the exposure thread in my signature and come back and lets talk.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The only other discussion I have had has been with my wife and with the therapist. Talking with the therapist helped, but she was guiding me in the direction of acceptance, even suggested that I seemed desparate in wanting to save my marriage. This is because a "therapist" or "marriage counselor" don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. Most are not even pro-marriage and will encourage divorce because they can't help your marriage. They don't have a clue. Marriage counselors have a higher personal divorce rate the general population.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody - ok thanks - I will go back and read the Exposure101 material
Me: BS - 55
Her: ex W - 50
Together 25 years Married 1990
DD 10/16/2012
DS 24&20
DD - 17
Currently in Plan B
Divorce Papers Filed 11/29/2012
Final Divorce hearing June 2013
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Do you live in a fault or no-fault divorce state? Is adultery taken into account in your state?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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