Do you search her room for evidence? What about getting her phone while she is asleep and putting spyware on it? What about putting a GPS on her car? A VAR under her car seat? There are so many options it is hard to know where to begin.

Southpaw,

Gamma - do you know a good background check service ?

Not really but a professional PI might! Websites like www.veromi.com offer to do this, but I've never tried them and don't know if they can get a credit report.

You can also search misc. leads on the internet of the people listed as related to his mother in the obituary. Many states have searchable lists of convicts too. For example.

https://www6.state.nj.us/DOC_Inmate/inmatefinder?i=I

BTW your WW might not find out about this cats financial troubles until after she has married him, cosigned a loan, and accidentally opens some of his mail.

For your daughters sake you need to fight this OM, your WW is too addicted to OM to protect your daughter from him. Sorry that's the ugly fact.

God Bless
Gamma

I have used intelius and liked it.

Here Trying to Figure out Identity

Now listen here SouthPaw. Don't you watch any spy movies or detective shows ?

Go sit in your car at the hotel and get photos of them coming out together. Melody already suggested that.

Do you have an mp3 player ? My husband busted me by putting one in my van. It played for 12 hrs and recorded my conversations with OM. Put it under her seat. Takes all of 2 seconds. You have 2 seconds don't you ?

You have the gumption to know she's at the motel with this weasel, so you at least have some creative bone in your body. I know you can do this.

Take some sandwiches and hot drinks with you to the stake out. That's what they do on the police shows. Stay there until you get the proof.

Get busy and report back here for help with what to do next.

FindingFreedom - I have done that, the problem is, that after my GPS study, the motel visits stopped and I think the affair went underground. The pattern of unexplained absences, stopped after DD, also I have not travelled for work since my layoff at Halloween.

I did stake out the parking lot of her workplace one day this week, they were the last to leave, they walked out to their cars together, I followed him to the motel, she went on to some errands before heading home.

I did get an account on Intellus, and researched the POSOM email and got email addresses of some of his family members. I also put a draft together of the exposure email, similar to the sample posted yesterday:

Dear Friends and Family,

By now you might know I have been served divorce papers by
XXXXX. It is important to me, that you know and understand
the reasons. On 10/16/2012 XXXXX spent three hours in
the Smethport Motel, in the company of her co-worker, YYYYYYY This all took place while I was working in another part of the country trying to provide for my family's needs.

If you have any leverage on XXXX, I would ask you to contact her
at AAAAAAAAA and ask her to return to our marriage. Tell
her that you will never accept YYYYYYY into your circle of
friends.


I wish I did not have to provide this sad information, but
having Denise spin her dishonest tale of what has happened is
intolerable.



I am working on the draft letter for her employer, and got a couple of email addresses from their corporate web site.

I still have not definetely decided to do this ( see previous post on option #1 vs. #2) - I have been advised to let it go and look after myself - and that any further attempts are just more drain on my energy.

One other question I had was regarding the use of the GPS - My therapist told me that the fact that I used it to gather info could be viewed negatively, and it could be considerded stalking, and maybe against the law. What is you guys take on this ?

Southpaw,
I salute you. You are probably right about the underground. She will play it that your marriage ended, then she met Mr. Wonderful (blech). You are wise to alert people of her dishonest tale, as you stated in your letter.

Have you sent your exposure email yet ?

Whatever you decide, remember that YOU are not responsible for her affair. She chose that.

Listen to what the vets tell you---and act quickly and calmly.

Whatever happens, you will find support here with either marriage recovery or personal recovery.

Stay strong,
FF

You live together as man and wife for heavens sake!!! What woman can claim that she lives with her own stalker?!

If you walk in on her in the shower, would you get done as a peeping tom? Ludicrous!

You're married and OWN marital property, such as the cars, together. If you want to know where your own property is, that's up to you. I have one in my car in case it's ever stolen.

You have every right to know where your own wife is. That's just silly.

It's very silly to ask a therapist for marriage advice. It's downright farcical to ask them for legal advice.

Southpaw, I would change the letter up a bit to make it more convincing.

Dear Friends and Family,

By now you might know I have been served divorce papers by
XXXXX. It is important to me, that you know and understand
the reasons. The reason is to carry on her affair with Joe Blow, a coworker. This affair has been going on for almost a year. I have direct evidence of recent 3 hour tryst on October 16th at the Smethport Motel. This all took place while I was working in another part of the country trying to provide for my family's needs. The affair continues to this day.

If you have any leverage on XXXX, I would ask you to contact her
at AAAAAAAAA and ask her to return to our marriage. Tell
her that you will never accept YYYYYYY into your circle of
friends.

I wish I did not have to provide this sad information, but
having Denise spin her dishonest tale of what has happened is
intolerable


"Letting it go" will not help your mental health, it will tear you down. What will make you feel better is taking direct action against the affair. I don't know who gave you that bad advise to sit there and do nothing, but be assured that is not good advice. The things we are telling you to do are directly from Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity.

You have "let it go" for far too long. Conflict avoidance and enabling has availed you nothing but a worsening situation.

Please find a qualified therapist and stop wasting your time with this fella. He is doing absolutely nothing to help you. He is more worried about hypotheticals than he is about your marriage or your mental health.

Therapists do not know JACK about things like this -- do not ask their advice. Is it stalking to want to know if your marriage is secure?

However, things like recording may be illegal. Look up your local laws.

Thanks for the support - I'l keep you posted. I liked the comments about the GPS, My wife called me a "creeper" for using it - not sure what that means, but don't think it is good.

That's another thing, don't tell your wife about your snooping.

Oh, gimme a break. If you put a GPS on a car that you own, that's not considered stalking, fer cryin' out loud. Southpaw, if I were you, I'd have, uh, "negative thoughts" about paying another cent to a marriage couselor who seems not too much smarter than an average tree-stump. They're supposed to be smart & are paid to think before they open their mouths & speak to clients. This counselor seems to be just making stuff up as he/she goes along, like any clown off the street could do, and stuff like this doesn't even make any sense when ya stop to think about it for a second.

Southpaw, you just gotta take this kind of stuff for what it is & laugh your butt off when you hear stuff like this from her. As if it's not super-creepy that she's been porking some dude that's not her husband in a seedy motel & lying to her kids about it! But she's gonna try & say that you're the creep for trying to put a stop to it?
Like I said before, oh gimme a break, lady.

Thanks GloveOil - I guess that trying to find ways to make me feel bad about myself is part of the WW in-the-fog strategy, to try to make them feel better about themselves?

EXACTLY. It's in the handbook.

If you get a chance, read the first post by my WH, kiss. He was very foggy at the time.

Ps. I was joking about the handbook but waywards pretty much say the same thing.

Fire this therapist. They know nothing about ending affairs and actually saving marriages.

Read this and you'll see how they all say the same things.

Craziest Things to Come out of a Wayward's Piehole
Female Wayward Fog Disassembled and Decoded