Hi guys, so as of right now, my wife and I working on repairing our marriage. At one point, I was sure we were going to separate, but slowly but surely things seem to be moving back in a favorable direction.

So one of the big things my wife and I are going through is me not being there for her. I was not there to plan things, not there ( or very reluctantly) to do things like swim with the family (im not much the swimmer but was very childish about it)

Anyway, I recognize her issues with me and I am determined to be a part of the family and be a part of "us" again. I have lied in the past so she is very skeptical when I say things like that.

I need to focus more now on the actions to get this accomplished but I do not know where to start. How do I take over this role for her?

Did you ever put a keylogger on her computer?

Is she still talking with OM?

If She is still in contact with OM then your priority is to kill the affair.

s1, I am not sure what your plan is here. Is it to start catering to her every whim whether you like it or not? If you don't like swimming, how would going swimming help your marriage? It won't. Doing things you don't like doing is sacrifice and sacrifice is how resentment is built which leads to incompatibility.

Having "family time" is a nice goal, but it will not fix your marriage.

Would you like to focus on saving your marriage, because you posted above will not help you.

The swimming has nothing to do with anything really. Disregard that part.

I did not do a keylogger because she did not use a computer. I am not going to open buy a software to monitor her iphone because she also checks our bank accounts.

I took a backup of her phone at its worst point and found some very questionable stuff. After the incident where her feelings changed, I have taken another backup to see the difference and the texts and demeanor.

I do have a few of her work friends on my side in this and now people are starting to gossip about her at work because they see the same stuff I could see. Now that is her cross to bear. She said she is still stressed out. I

She is still in contact with OM but I do believe her when she says her feelings are different for him now. She goes out as a group with them and he is there.

Do I 100% believe her yet? Not entirely, the Find My Iphone option is turned back on in her iphone so I am kinda keeping tabs that way. Her story is checking out with where she has been. I am not going to get involved in spy any further unless something doesnt check out right, then Ill proceed to find out more. Until that point, I am focusing on making myself happier. Im working out more, hanging out with my friends again, getting myself involved in hobbies.

I mean overall, my wife has changed in all this time or is no longer suppressing her own feelings on things. She is more a guys girl than she was before (which I am really liking) and I know the girls who are her friends have had that influence on her. She is smoking like she was before we settled down. She quit for me. Now I rip on her for that, etc. I'm not taking a lot of her crap anymore. She can deal with that.

The rest will sort itself out. What I am more focused on now is, which was the point of this post, is myself and being able to better be a leader in the house (either for our current household or for whatever relationship I may be in the future)

So you'd rather bury your head in the sand then to fight for your marriage?

When she hangs out with OM you're pushing them together.

You need to up your snooping and stop her affair. She may have a secret phone.

Put spyware on her phone and a VAR in her car?

Okay I see that point of it. There is a bigger part of things though that I think she is in love with her current group of friends regardless of whether this guy is involved or not.

Its like she is enjoying being pseudo single as opposed to full on being alone. This is where I wonder what kind of line do I draw? They are her coworkers and she sees them every other day or so. She has just as much fun and stays out just as late even without the guy there. I don't think there is an affair to expose here but rather perhaps she just wants a change of lifestyle.

So how do I confront that part of it? She works with them all the time and she turns to them because she doesnt trust me not to hurt her. She doesnt trust because I have lied to her in the past.

It feels like this marriage will end if I pry too much. Perhaps it is just destined to end?

It feels like this marriage will end if I pry too much. Perhaps it is just destined to end? [/quote]

Your marriage is not going to end because you pry too much. It will end because she is having an affair and because she has an independent lifestyle.

Okay, so pretty much I need to continue spying to get enough dirt to expose this. Where do a I get a VAR? I don't have a ton of money here for this. As I am gathering this info, do I let the info gather or continue to pry her for info.

I can see her taking the stance to end us if I keep prying. I take it my stance must be to not back down from that decision and let her think it will be over. I would then make her move out.

We have two kids that she doesnt want to see go through this. She tears up when we talk about it. At one point she said she was not a bad person for feeling how she felt.

Am I on the right track for this? I guess I have nothing to lose by doing this. Problem is this whole group of work friends. I am not sure if she would choose me over her job/coworkers or should I use that as a positive for me.

Also what kind of chance am I taking that it kills us if in fact there is nothing going on? Do I really have anything to stand on if it is an EA? Do I expose an EA the same way as a PA? Some people might just see it as flirty?

Im so f***d.

Snooping won't harm your marriage, but doing nothing while an affair transpires WILL. I honestly don't think you are going to make it unless you buck up here. Your plan of complacence and conflict avoidance is harming any chance you have at saving your marriage.

What kind of a husband just sits there and allows his wife to have an affair and does nothing? A husband who doesn't care, that's who. That is unbelievable that you allow her to go out with the OM and her coworkers. Unbelievable!

You can get a VAR at Radio Shack or WAlmart. Don't pry at all, just gather the intel and come back here.

I would also not go along with her going out with the OM anymore or these "friends." That is not how a caring husband acts. If she insists on going, I would follow her up there and run the OM off.

Here for the VAR
Did you see this for her iPhone?

iPhone 4S help

Thanks, so I just bought a VAR and I am going to put it in my car tonight when she gets home. I am also going to watch her tonight to see when she leaves. She said that she supposedly 2 hrs behind. She will normally get out at 6:30. Ill keep an eye there and see if she comes back around 9.

Do I do intel at the bar their group frequents? I know two of hte bar tenders names? Do I ask them about going there?

Problem is my kids are young and I dont want to drag them everywhere to see this stuff. We really do not have family that close. In a pinch I can get my family but I have not really told anyone of this yet.

Do I just stick to the voice recorder and iphone track and texts for now?

I see what you guys are saying and i thought things were getting better. I guess I was in my own cloud. Perhaps I was blinded by the affection she did give me. I should have known outside of that affection, it really felt like she has two worlds.

My wifes friend is having a party next week and at first did not invite OM to it because she wanted my wife to bring me to it. As of yesterday though while they all went out, the invite of the OM to the party is on now. My wife is on the fence about me going. I have asked my mom to come watch the kids for a bit while I go (whether my wife goes or not) Ill have to gauge and see when she goes and have my mom come after.

Thanks for helping me see through it. What I am considering hope is really denial in this case. It's sad to think about but there really is not another way.

Most of us have been through what you're going through and sorry for your pain.

Yes put all your snooping techniques in place. Become James Bond while you're gathering the evidence. When you get the evidence come here and tell the board. Do not confront her.

On the party, can you take her out for a special date or something?

Read these. When you get the evidence you will need to expose and so please read all of these to be prepared.

While you're in Plan A, you be James Bond while you clean up your side of the street. Remember, you're fighting for your marriage.

Here.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
Exposure 101

Thanks, I think I am more at peace with what is going on. I tracked her tonight. It turns out it was for nothing because the OM is out in another town tonight. So my wife would not be meeting up with him. She is currently out with another friend (who I trust more and is not a coworker friend) so I checked and they are still there. I did not get to put in the VAR though because she left before I could get it in the car. Ill do it tonight for when she goes to work. She is working 12 hours both days this weekend so she wont be in the car for that amount of time.

I think I was kind of on the right track with Plan A but didnt put it all together. I just worry about the VAR and getting caught if she sees that and has not done anything anymore. How do I deal with that confrontation?

Just make sure she doesn't see it. If she does, then it is no big deal. You have a right to know everything she does and right now you don't trust her.

Who is this friend she was out with? And where was she?

Earlier when she said she was at work, she really was at work. I drove by the OMs house and by the bar they frequent and they wree not there. Right now she is at a bar with a friend who lives about 15 mins away. She sees her now and then but not nearly as often as her other work friends. Just checking now, her phone is still at the bar and the guy is still at a bar farther away.

The part I am confused on is say I begin Plan A now, do I confront her about going out all the time. If it is a friend like this, do I give her crap about going out or do I let it slide as part of the Carrot of Plan A?

Also in regards to taking her on a date that night? I really don't think that will be possible or will she choose me over her friends that night. That is why I think I might just spy there that night to see what is going on.

I would certainly let her know that her running around like a single woman is extremely upsetting to you and that your marriage won't last like this. It is profoundly disrespectful to you and your children for her to go hang out in bars. Let her know this otherwise she will get the impression that you don't care. Whatever you do, don't condone her marriage wrecking activities. That is NEVER a part of Plan A.

So I would tell her this and spy on her at the same time. I doubt she will stop going out.

I hate to tell you this, but saving this marriage is going to be a longshot because you have more problems than just an affair and a troubled marriage. Your wife has a world view and a lifestyle that is not conducive to marriage. She believes it is ok to run around like an alley cat in heat while married. She believes it is ok to act single while married and a husband is nothing more than a live in babysitter and trash taker outer. You can't sustain a marriage like that.

And sadly, you have condoned this kind of lifestyle. Do you see her ever making the necessary changes to sustain a marriage? Do you see her EVER being meeting your needs and making an effort towards your marriage?

s1, how old are you and your wife?