I hope Prisca Will continue to post to Dr. H. You're both in my prayers.

Prisca did post to Dr. Harley last night.

I just made an appointment with a doctor for antidepressant medication. I'm a little hurt that when I told Prisca her response was she doesn't want to know about it.

It really feels like nobody cares. I can't talk to any of our friends or anyone in our church - Prisca is not enthusiastic.

It really feels like nobody cares.

That may be true, because out here in cyberland, there is a spitload of "nobodies" who care very much.

What can we do, friend?

Just having your caring prompt response was very nice, NG. Thank you.

Pray for me, and pray that the end of the year goes fast and that doctor's appointment comes soon and the medication is effective and that I am calm and rational on the other side.

This just hurts so much:

We are here for you guys.

This is raising a lot of . I'd LOVE to be wrong!

Will you humor me and do some digging, just so I can be proven wrong and be glad thereof?

You may not even be looking for a full-blown A. Perhaps an inappropriate emotional attachment. SOMETHING is diverting her away from your M. Unless it's you, it has to be someone else.

Are you still doing the weekly lessons, or have you finished the course? What happens when you've finished - is that the end of regular contact with your coach?

No, we never finished. I have tried to be pretty close mouthed about what happened, but it hurt me very much. She dragged the lessons out for a full year (she explained this here in Italy), then came at it with renewed vigor and we did one lesson. But we basically just filled out the paperwork. The plans weren't kept.

Then at the end of last year, when Kim contacted her about trying to finish the lessons, Prisca berated me for the fact that they weren't done and were taking so long! Nothing ever hurt so much.

We went on to the Affection lesson, my #1 need. Again Prisca filled out the paperwork, and I saw more effort here, but many of the things I asked for just never happened, or didn't happen regularly, and I would try to talk to her about it and she just wouldn't answer me.

I found that, when we spent a lot of time together watching television, and didn't fight, she would eventually become affectionate with me. Not in the specific ways we asked for, but at least I would be happier with what I was receiving, and we would start becoming close again.

But we never really learned to negotiate, and so when conflict arose, Prisca would either remain silent and resentful (and that would affect the way she was treating me), or make demands. And then everything would fall apart. And we would go back to square one, and rebuild, with no real verbal commitment, just me hoping against hope that things would get better again. And never an acknowledgment that she had played a role in the downturn, never an agreement to learn to resolve our conflicts with win-win solutions, and she would get mad at me and punish me for trying to talk about it. So always, there is the worry that there is going to be another fight when she discovers something that she wants done or is resentful about.

She has come at me with a lot of things the way she did about the lessons last year: starting out with blaming me for the fact that it is not done. She declined to divide up domestic support tasks according to Dr. Harley's plan, and kept asking what good the plan would be since I might agree to do something but then change my mind.

Prisca hates to hear from the coach. When the coach calls, she punishes me.

I was thinking the same thing when I read the texts.

Are you still at home?

I'm so so sorry Markos you are going through this



Hope is not a plan.



But this is. You can only control yourself, set your own boundaries and limits and work from there. Do just exactly what you are doing. I think sometimes that hitting rock bottom is a blessing in disguise because it makes us dig deep and be more proactive.

I don't know what is in Prisca's heart today, but I know the two of you have worked in tandem to save the marriages of others. As one. But it is easier, I know, to be objective with the problems of others.

Regain that objectivity. The meds will help. So will asking the q: "What would I tell a new poster?".
You have the skills to answer any MB question. Do not let despair swamp you when logic is within reach.

We care about and love you both.

Somebody explain this to me:

Prisca: I just read your thread.
Prisca: I am not having an affair, and will do anything to prove it to you.
markos: I know. :*
Prisca: Having an anxiety attack.
You left out everything you've done this year, and have made people think the worst of me. Many of the things you said about me are not true.
markos: They already know everything I've done this year.
Prisca: No, they don't
markos: What should I tell them?
Prisca: I don't care. :'(
The damage has already been done.

I would tell him to get antidepressant medication! That's pretty much exactly the question I asked myself.

I am just so saddened to hear this. We are here for you both. Praying Dr Harley can get you guys on the right path. Hang in there!

That's awesome that she's transparent about any A fears you would have. Not only because THAT is an MB marriage which does not rely on blind trust but also because it shows concern for your feelings. Awesome.

I really, really think some objectivity is all that is required here.

I think feelings have ran a little high here and there and its stalled recovery. And that's been left unresolved too long because of a givers mentality until you're both exhausted.

Markos, I don't want to cut off your support system here, but do you think it's wise to post if it's causing Prisca anxiety?

At least in the short term?

She's talking about some resentment caused over the past year and you need to draw her out on those points. Without her feeling like she's on display here.

Why not tell her you'd like to POJA posting together about these problems at some point when she feels more ready?

You can access Dr H still in that time. Are there any male friends who can offer general support off the boards?

Markos, sorry to hear this is happening.

If you are having to wait to see a Dr. for a prescription, take a look at an over the counter supplement called 5-HTP. I have taken all kinds of AD's over the years off and on and have found that 5-HTP (100 mg) is as useful as the rest. Boosts serotonin just like most SSRI's. Best to take at night until you get used to it.

Good luck with everything...

...do you think it's wise to post if it's causing Prisca anxiety?

Whoa, slippery slope directly ahead, ig.

Whatever any poster would feel compelled to put here would be something they knew, believed, or felt, so it's already within them in some form. (We have no real-world powers, making material interference impossible, thus posting something known to be false by the poster would be irrational.) How could a spouse claim "anxiety" about something within their mate, but only to the extent that it is brought here to an anonymous board. In other words,if the "anxiety" is brought about not by the fact that it is within the posting spouse, but by the fact that it was posted, then the "anxious" spouse has the right and option not to read the offending posts.

Or are we about to decide that anonymously seeking assistance must be POJA'd? If one spouse were a drunk, could that one veto the other's attending an Al-Anon meeting?

I agree and I would never suggest that posting on these forums is something that should always be subject to POJA. There are too many terminal problems in marriage, affecting the health of one of the spouses for that to be the rule in all cases. However in this case, could POJA not be offered?

Not knowing the ins and outs of the situation, I couldn�t possibly say.

I don't know if your example of an alcoholic's spouse, desperately needing outside intervention is an apt one here. It could be. Or it could be that Markos would get further with POJA.

Which is why I phrased my suggestion as a question. Markos will have a good idea as to the answer, and he also has access to Dr Harley. Dr Harley who has had access to both sides of this story would be better placed to make the call on whether posting here is something Markos needs to POJA or not.

But I felt it was something that needed to be considered