My husband of 30 years fell in love "at first sight" 3 years ago with a young professional woman who joined his painting club. Of course he did not put it like that, I only found out later, at the time he merely said a young woman (30 years younger) with a very good "eye" had joined. However he soon took over as her informal coach and they started to spend a lot of time together. He always swore blind there was nothing romantic between them, and indeed throughout all this time she has had a live in boyfriend (who travels a lot for his work.) Due to health issues she only works part time and my husband is semi retired so they have had lots of time to go sketching and practise together.

This autumn I became particularly suspicious about the amount of time spent togeth3er and intensity of their relationship, although he continued to deny anything was happening. He also predictably I suppose, complained I was being too controlling. She seemed to encourage him in this, rather than keeping on my right side, she seemed to want his full time and attention when her bf was not around. She has several older men friends who seem to be kept in tow in this way but my husband soon rose to be no: 1.

Matters came to a head in December when I finally got some evidence on them, they were caught having a serious kissing session in his car outside her flat when he was dropping her off one night. I confronted my husband with this and it was then he confessed he was seriously in love with her and had been for the last three years, and that in the last few months she had appeared to start returning his feeling, holding his hand, sitting tight with him in the bar, kissing him good night for ten minutes hugging, tongues and all. He said she had all the first moves and they had not got beyond heavy necking in his car because he was waiting for her to make the next move.

Anyway he felt sufficiently encouraged to go and see her a few days later and ask her to leave her boyfriend and be his girl. She turned him down, said he had misunderstood the kissing which was only a modern sign of affection. But they could still be friends. He came home chastened, said he had learned his lesson but even so was desolate when he heard she had resigned from the art club. He contacted her to ask if they could still be friends and she replied that she was deleting his number from her phone and blocking him on fb. He showed me this.

He moped around the house for around three weeks and then said he was starting to get over it. He promised me there was nothing more to tell and said he wanted to be reconciled and be a couple again. Sadly for me, a couple of days ago (5 days later) I found out he had emailed her on Christmas Day, after he told me were were back together, to ask if there was some chance he could be allowed back into her life, even as just a friend.

She replied saying that my influence over him was too great as it stood, as the fact they had been seen made her nervous around him. She made it clear if he wanted to go on seeing her in some form, he would have to break with me. He replied to her saying that yes, I was too controlling and he was relieved he had made a decision to move out on 6th January and suggesting a neutral location where they might meet.

I was not supposed to know any of this, as we have our son and daughter in law staying at present. I confronted him when I found out and he said he was going to tell me after they left. I pointed out he had said we were reconciled as a couple a week earlier, what had changed and he said he had been having second thoughts about it.

Under pressure he admitted he was trying to make it possible to go on seeing her and to stay in contact with me. He said he was seriously in love with her and had been for three years and he could not envisage life without her, but not without me either and this was his way of trying to stay in touch with us both. However he had not said anything to me as we had still to discuss it.

I said it was not acceptable to treat me like this and if he wanted to live apart we would have to separate properly. So we talked about how we might separate but the problem is we cannot sell our house in the current market (even if I wanted to), but we cannot afford to live apart either. Our joint income would not cover two homes however modest. I suggested he rented his own place just for a few months while we sorted it out, but now he won't discuss that either, says he does not want to be pinned down while he is still so confused. He says he is still very fond of me.

I can no longer trust him at all, as he is clearly able to lie to me so easily. Confrontations do not work with him and nor would counselling. He just goes silent and says he will not discuss it because his words get twisted by people who are better with words than him.

Part of me would still like to make something of a go of it now she has dumped him. He is easily flattered and worried about ageing. I do believe him when he says she led him on. But I cannot handle these constant swings of emotional choice. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and how have you coped?

Hi RedQueen, welcome to MArriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Yes, we have all been in your shoes and most have recovered our marriages by following Dr. Harley's program. Your husband's affair won't be that hard to bust up if you will expose the affair in a strategic and methodical manner. If you can follow this plan, you have a good chance of saving your marriage.

See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret from your families and friends all this time has only fueled it. I would read the thread in my signature [Exposure 101] and come back and lets talk. I will leave you with this quote from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders:

If you will go through the steps of exposing the affair and successfully kill it, we will help you recover your marriage so this doesn't ever happen again.

The program of recovery involves affair proofing your marriage and restoring the romantic love. That is what those of us have who have used this program. The Harleys offer counseling and an online program but if you are disciplined and committed, you can do it yourself with the books, workbook, and this forum.

RedQueen;

You have come to the right place, but should be posting your thread on the "Surviving an Affair" section, instead of the Recovery section. The SAA section has much more traffic and soon the veteran posters will be along to give you the advice you seek. (I am new-ish here myself.) Notify the Moderators here (there is a "button" this at the bottom of your post) and ask them to move your thread.

I am so sorry for the reasons you are here. You are not alone. At this point, put absolutely NO stock in anything your Wayward Husband (WH) says. He is captive in "the fog", and never will think clearly until he gets away from the Other Woman (OW) and goes through the withdrawal process.

You WILL survive this. This is the only place you can get an actionable plan to help you through. You are on the "emotional roller coaster" where most of us have been. We understand your pain.

You do not have to decide right now about your future. Time for that later.

Here is a hug... (((((RedQueen)))))

RedQueen
MelodyLane is one of the best veteran posters going... You are in good hands following her advice exactly. Don't hesitate.

RedQueen - I second this!

Thanks ladies!