Amen.

Yeah, life is good. I woke up this morning. God willing, I'll do the same tomorrow. I'll wait till the sun comes up and I'll go for a nice long run. Wrapping gifts today and picking up stocking stuffers so all that will be done.
No melt-downs even in church when I sat alone, surrounded by happy couples or at least those that pretended to be.

Christmas eve. What an emotional time of year. This one will be tough:
My mom passed way in April.
My XH is spending day 3 with his new wife.
My brother-in-law and my niece's husband - also my XH's cousin - had a huge blow-up over Thanksgiving. We always spend Christmas eve and Christmas day together. So far, they haven't repaired it so this will be very awkward. They live a quarter of a mile from each other. My daughter and I normally go to my sister's and spend the night and we all open gifts together Christmas day and spend the day together. Don't know how all this will work out this year. I pray that God will soften my brother-in-law's heart as he is currently the hold out to fixing it. My nephew said some pretty nasty things to him in front of others.

I'm trying to keep busy to keep from thinking too deeply about everything. I'm trying to remain positive and be thankful for all that I DO have in my life and that list is pretty extensive all things considered. I'm a young 54 year old, fantastic health, amazing daughter, good job and retirement plans in place, good family to lean on. The one thing I don't have that is making me so sad is a lying, cheating man in my life. Go figure.
Seriously, I know that people shouldn't be what is required to make you happy, but I do think that having someone in your life adds to that feeling.
Maybe 2013 will be my year. I've said that long enough. Need to work really hard on that one.

On Friday evening before his wedding on Saturday my XH sent me this email:
Just want to tell u that u were my saving angel but I was too stubborn n stupid to c it. I believe that early on u did love me n I wish I'd done what was necessary to reward u for it. Instead I stripped u of what u built years to build up n beat u down to where u felt like a whipped puppy. I'm SO VERY SORRY for how I made u feel. When I let u go, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I'll never love again like I do u n I'll always regret what I lost in u. Plz don't ever let anyone take from u what I did then u took years to build back. Ur an awesome an beautiful person. Probably the most thoughtful person I've ever met. Keep ur sights high n always make a man deserve u. Don't let him take advantage of u n take u for granted. Make him earn what I had n wish I had the chance to have again. There'll never b another Punkie pie for me n I'll always miss being a dipper stick. . I would've done anything to have one more chance to have u n when I finally realized n was told that u haven't loved me n a long time I gave up on u!! I'd always said I would keep ur door open. But it finally did sink in n God above knows it hurt n I cried so much!!! I'll forever love, miss n desire u. I'll forever regret my loss in u!!!!!

My response - yes I did respond:
Bottom line up front: be happy.
I don't know your relationship with her or your true feelings for her; only you do. I think I would prefer to be left at the alter than to be married to someone not fully committed to me and/or madly and obviously in love with me. If both those things don't exist, your marriage won't either. You alone know how you truly feel and whether or not you have it within you to make this marriage work.
I was not frustrated when you called me. I was asleep. I have been trying to numb myself to the possibility of today. Regardless what you may think, I am not "jumping for joy", but you have made a commitment to someone else - saying I love you, buying a ring, setting a date. Something made you take those steps as it's not something that a 4th time around person would take lightly. I can't put myself in the middle of that.

More than anything in the world, I pray that we both can find peace and happiness. God knows we've both suffered greatly. I honestly can't imagine my life without you in it. I also can't imagine you married to anyone else, but decisions have been made, plans have been placed into motion and today is the day that (names XH)and (me) ends and (names XH)and (new wife) begins. Your wish will come true: you won't be alone at Christmas this year!!

I wish I could flip a switch and not think or feel; I can't. Despite what you think you know, you don't know how I feel or what I wish. But, beyond my selfish wish for things to have been different, my greatest wish is for you to be happy. Yes, you can say I would have or should have done things differently if I had wanted a different outcome. Not too long ago I suggested a meeting between us and my family to discuss those things you said I lied about. You dismissed that as too little, too late. At the time I didn't know that the "too late" meant that you were engaged, but it all makes sense now.

We've both made choices that have led us to where we are today and that includes a wedding for you. Although it hurts to say it, I'll forever love you, too and will forever wish I could turn the clock back to 1996 and do so many things differently so that we were still together.

This needs to be the last correspondence between us. It just hurts too much and after the "I do's" it wouldn't be right.

His response 11:21 am when he was to stand at the altar at 4:00 pm was this:
All u had to do was give me a glimmer of hope. U couldn't n u didn't. I've tried for years. As I text this, I'm still thinking that a glimmer would still make the difference. But u rather not!!

At 11:42 am I got this:
Y didn't u day something r try to show me something other than push me away. I tried to tell u so many times n so many ways how I felt n what I wanted. U made that choice n when and only when u found out I was getting married u act like it bothers u. I do have a strong feeling that u still couldn't care less n saying that n acting like it bothers u just to dig a little deeper hurt. I've literally begged u!!! All u hound in it to say was that if I didn't love her the right way I should rethink it. Never once that if I wasn't truly where I needed to be we could take a shot at it. U just found it to slam how I am doing something wrong n to hurt someone. But I'll leave u alone n honor ur wishes. Uv made it clear to me that I'm not the one u wanted!!!! I'll always love n miss u.

My response to him at 1:03pm was "You need to pray and follow wht God lays on your heart."

I got no response and as far as I know he got married at 4pm Saturday afternoon.

Yesterday at 11:30 am I got a text from him telling me that he saw my DD - he adopted her but they have zero relationship as she knows what he has done and hates him (I didn't tell her, but others did plus she witnessed and overheard a lot) - riding down the road and texting. Said the following:
I know it's bad to text u n I know u won't believe me but if ud like to c the video, you can. But DD was all over XX Road TEXTING this am. Got right beside her to make sure. Plz don't mention that I said it n if it wasn't so bad I swear I wouldn't mention it under circumstances!!

She left our house headed to church 5-10 minutes before I did. I left at 10:50. The direction she headed she would have been off that road long before 11:02 am at which time she called my niece asking if they were going to church. Was on phone less than 1 minute. She did not text anyone or receive a text until 11:30 or so. Confirmed this online by checking cell phone records real time!!

I thought about it and I talked to my niece about it and I sent this response:
Send video. Will address.

Never heard a word.

What WAS that all about? I would not have responded except that if she was driving erratically I do want to know, even from him. That's a dangerous road and she drives some heavily travelled roads in our area.

I'm not interested in talking to him or seeing him or texting him, etc. I do wonder if he's wanting to keep the door open so he can ask me to help him with end-of-year taxes for the business that we started and he still operates.

He should be able to handle it. The processes I put in place are pretty simple. He has several folks, including the new wife, that should be able to help him figure it out. I don't plan to.

I'm sad to think that he would do that to me - be that manipulative to try and keep me around to help with that, but also sad to say that I think he would.

I need to say some prayers for her as well as for me. She's going to need them.

Forward them to his wife.

If I was his fiance and was about to be married I would want to know that he was professing his love to another woman.

I think you should just send him a plan B letter and never have contact with him again.
Block his number after you send the plan b letter.
There is a plan b letter on this site that fits your situation

You know I only have his side of events. No way to know if he really did tried to call off twice and she was, in his words, devastated.
I do believe she thinks she has landed quite a catch. And, he has the ability to be a really good guy. My gut is that at 48 given his history and what he was sending me day of wedding he has no commitment to her and she will end up like me. Sad.
Send to her? I can't. She would show hi, and he would come after me with a vengeance. Ill just have to keep my twisted little satisfaction to myself that she only thinks sh's in heaven. The honeymoon will be over soon. I feel bad saying that bit I'm just being honest.

Plan B letters are in the above link that is posted.

Whooo Hooo!!!
I made it through Christmas! It was sad, but I was surrounded by family that love me and understand.

I looked at the link above to sample plan B letters, but all of them seemed to be between married couples. I didn't really see one that would fit my situation where one spouse has moved on and remarried someone that was an affair partner.

I do not know that he will contact me again. Of course, I don't know that he won't either. I'm moving into unchartered waters with the marriage. He did send a couple of text messages last night to my niece and her husband wishing them a Merry Christmas. I was not mentioned.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!!

Life2short,
That is just unbelievable to me that he is sending you all of those emails/texts. Wow. That would just open up the wound for me every time. My recent X contacted me very little after he left. I think he did this because I told him I didn't want him begging, and so I hardly heard from him again. I believe he was waiting for me to make the next move. (Funny, how we keep going over and over things in our minds, still thinking how I could have done things different, etc.) We have emailed a few times just for business type stuff, and it has been polite, but to-the-point. He is no longer with the POSOW, and is on his 2nd girlfriend since her. Our divorce was final just 3 months ago. Wow......
I also made it through the holidays ok. Was with my extended family, and 2 of my kids (and son in law) are here as well. I still have the blues a bit. This is my 2nd divorce. The first marriage lasted 20 years, the love of my life. The 2nd marriage lasted 2 1/2 years. It's funny, when I grieve now, I grieve for both. Ugh.
Well, I'm glad to hear you are doing ok. Keep me posted. I have another week off from work, so I am going to try and stay busy and not have too much time to sit around and think.

And going dark might be the best thing for you. I know not hearing from my exes has helped a lot.

Changed,
I'm glad you weathered the Christmas holiday! They are tough, especially as it is a time when you don't want to be the 5th wheel.
Funny. This was also my 2nd marriage, but when my first was over that was it. He moved out and after the divorce papers were signed he moved away - far away to other end of the country - literally. Before we signed papers he asked me if I wanted to try and work it out. I said "no". I was sure. I didn't waffle. It was just gone. A few weeks after he left, he called me and asked again about reconciling. Again I said no and lost no sleep over it.
I will never regret being married to him as I would not have my beautiful DD were it not for our marriage, but I never regretted the divorce.
We were separated for about 10 months before we filed and the D was final 4-6 months later. I did not date anyone until I was introduced to my 2nd husband. I fell for him very quickly and I still have doubts and go through the "would of/could ofs" where he's concerned.
For some reason I have a very hard time being objective when I look back at the relationship we had. It wasn't good. There were pockets of time where it was good, but there was a lot of crap inbetween. You were smart to get out after only 2.5 years. It took me more than a decade plus him getting married to finally shut the door.
I don't know why I had such a hard time with him. Guess because I was in church, doing everything as right as I could, praying that God would send someone and he showed up. I just knew it was God. I wonder if maybe he was the right one, but I lied about some stuff in my past and I allowed him to manipulate me into a sexual relationship before we married. He basically told me two months into dating that if I would not sleep with him he would find someone that would. I was devastated and so infatuated that I caved in.
I've always wondered what would have happened if I had stood my ground. Wonder if he would have walked and I would have been spared the hell I went through with him. Guess I'll never know.

Life,
I also did not want to have premarital sex with my ex wife and was basically coerced into it. She just undressed in front of me and threw herself on me.
I should have ran!

My XH never did respond with the video that he claims to have taken of my DD texting last Sunday.
On Christmas day, 8:20 pm, I got the following text from XH:
I know you said not text but wanted to tell u ur right. Made the worst mistake trying to please someone else. Worst Christmas ever n so lonely!! I'm so sorry.
I did not respond.

Fast forward to yesterday morning at 8:00 am:
My life is over now but urs has just begun. Find someone to make u happy n treat u as u deserve which is the very best. Lord above knows ur a princess. I never knew how strong n precious u were till I truly had to realize it. Don't ever take from anyone what I did to u. Find what we first had n what I wanted the chance to give u again. Im truly hoping the very best of happiness for u. I will forever be sorry for what I did to u. I think about u often which maybe is Gods way of paying me back!!
I did not respond.

Early yesterday afternoon phone rang - private number. I answered as my family often calls like this. It was XH. I probably said 15 words the entire time. He said he had made a huge mistake getting married and that it was not going to last and that he already knew that. Said he didn't think it would last three months. Said his daughter is leaving town for a bit but when she returns she could stay in his house. Daughter said they could be roommates again becuase by the time she got back he would be getting divorce. Said she told him she was worried about leaving with no one to look after him. Here I really did want to say "What about your wife" but bit my tongue!! Said his brother, SIL and daughter all three said that during the service they say him looking at the door as though he was trying to decide whether to leave before the I dos were said. Said he tried to call it off but that she was devastated so he went through with it. Said a bunch of stuff like what the texts say. He kept talking about how much he had taken away from me, how much he had hurt me and taken me for granted, how wonderful I was and how stupid he was for all that he did.
I didn't ask him questions, didn't make any comments about what he should do, etc. That seemed to make him angry. He finally said goodbye. That's something he never said unless he was angry and trying to take a jab.
When I got home he had left a pair of bedroom shoes of mine on the porch. That's also something he typically did when he was angry. It was a way to prove a point that he was putting me out of his life by returning something of mine.
This morning got the following texts:
I really did make a bad choice w marriage but after the past few weeks n especially yesterday, I c that the choice to back away from u was the right one. As hard as it is and wrong as it feels u convinced me of what u wanted. Glad I was finally able to c it n give it to u! U won!! Good luck w everything and I'll forever pay for the hurtful things I did to u. Pls b safe and happy!!! BTW I won't b bugging u again!! Congrats n good luck!! Take good care n best to u!!

I did not respond and do not intend to. I wish I could understand his point in all this. What does he hope to accomplish? What did he think my response would be? He is now married to someone else so whatever relationship we had, it is in the past and he is now off limits to me.
I'm sorry for him that he did what he did and I'm sorry for her that she didn't know what she was doing and ignored the red flags that I'm sure were there.
I also have to say that I only have his word for what's going on as I have no R with any of his family. Best that way. I do know that he also made similar comments to my niece and her husband - his cousin - the week leading up to the marriage.
I simply don't understand how anyone would go into a 4th marriage with such little commitment to making it work especially as she has small kids in the middle of this.

Anyone that has any expertise with this type behavior I would truly be interested in knowing your thoughts about his behavior. I'm thinking one week into a marriage you should still be honeymooning, not calling ex's. I would really like to understand this.

That you took the call, have not blocked his number from the texts (or changed your number), spoke 15 words instead of hanging up, have not notified his wife...all these things make you nothing more than.....

.....The Other Woman.

By definition you are interferring with some innocent woman's life.

You have been around here long enough to know that, L2S. We have been telling you the same things since February (as best as I can figure). You refuse to take our advice which is based on sound MB principles. Now you have officially become the person who has helped destroy so many marriages on this board.

The only thing you really need to understand is that you are entertaining conversations with a married man about the state of his marriage. That's the start of infidelity, but infidelinty none the less. You are an accomplis in this crime, no longer an innocent bystander.

It's sad.

opt

Tel me again why you need to be in contact with him? I thought you were divorced and did not have children or business together?

I don't understand why you still have contact. I mean, he's a bad apple, block his number, change numbers, change email.

You don't need to understand why he does what he does. You need to understand why YOU feel the need to stay in the middle of this drama.

My ex FIL has to create similar drama. I have an email rule that immediately sends his emails to the trash and marks them read. Occasionally when I empty trash I see his email addy, and then I wave and byebye it goes! Who the flip cares what he has to say.

I totally agree. You're the OW now, and you allow it.

You will continue to let him do this to you because I think you enjoy the drama.

You won't do the right thing by informing his wife and changing your contact information and going dark. You continue to be in this sick dance. You say he will retaliate, but you don't try at all to do the right thing by changing all your contact information. Excuses.

YOU LOVE THE DRAMA. No one would choose to live like this unless they liked it.

Have fun of 10 more years of this. You should know you deserve better.

I have been in NC from my WXH for 7 years and I have 3 kids with him and so I KNOW it can happen.

I understand what everyone is saying. I have asked him by text and email not to continue contacting me. And no, I DON'T ENJOY THE DRAMA. I am actually much happier the longer I go with no contact from him.
I can't change my cell number as it is a work number and I have too many people that call me "private number" to ignore it. I will ask my family to call and let the number show. If anyone else calls they will leave a message if it's important or they can send a text.
I am afraid of him - period. I would never contact his wife and tell her or show her the emails and texts. I am very afraid of him. If that's being cowardly or whatever, then yes, I am. I do not need that kind of drama and chaos in my life and that would open the door to more contact and nastiness from him. That would be a HUGE mistake. I've talked that over with my niece who knows him well and has witnessed a lot of what he did to me when we were married/separated/divorcing. She agrees that it would be a mistake.
I have not initiated any contact with him and do not intend to.

That is nonsense. Any organization would tell you to go no contact with your abuser.

Your employer can block his number. You can get a new number through your employer. Yes a little bit of a hassle, but it is all what it is worth it to you. You can get a pay as you go phone for your family and friends.

You can block email.

You keep asking about him, but never about cleaning up your side of the fence.

An update,
I haven't initiated any contact with XH, but have gotten sporadic texts from him. He left some things on my doorstep that he said were mine. Nonsensical stuff such as old small TV and reading lamp, etc. Left a valentine's day card and anniversary card I gave him from some years back. Sent a text saying marriage was mistake and then one that said when he got divorced he was coming to look for me and hoped I would still be single and that he would forever love and miss me.
In one said that I was better to him than anyone else in his entire life and that he told his wife if I ever needed him he would be there for me.
I did not respond to any of it. Texts stopped.

Felt that contact was over and then Thurs AM got a call and caller hung up. That evening got a text that he had a bad dream about me and it was him calling just to make sure I was okay.
Last night got a string saying that his marriage was a wrong choice but that we were right to part ways. That he will go out of his way to avoid speaking to me or seeing me. Then "said many x before but never meant it so much... goodbye!!

I have drafted the following plan B email to him. Would appreciate your critique:

XH,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been working on for weeks now. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.


First, let me say that I still love you. Given our circumstances that fact is sad, but true. At this point I am convinced that those feelings will never change.



I am very confused at this point. I don't know what it is that you expect from me. To talk through texts, to meet you, to talk on the phone, grab a bite to eat? Am I supposed to pretend that you aren't married? Pretend that you are still living on XXX Drive? Pretend that we're just old friends and when we bump into each other we'll catch up and shoot the breeze for a few minutes? I have a melt down just seeing you ride down the road! You are married to someone else. Feeling the way I do about you and hearing you say how you feel about me, any relationship with you at this point would make me no different than OW1, OW2 or OW3.



I'm confused by the mixed messages that you send. One day you love me, I was the best person ever in your life and you're coming to look for me when you get a divorce and the next week you will never speak to me again and you were right about me all along. Are you expecting me to respond to your messages? And what would the point be? At the end of the day I am going to turn out the lights and crawl into bed alone on XXX Drive while you slip into bed beside your wife. We can't ignore, avoid or overlook the undeniable fact of your marriage. I'm dreading the blow to the gut when I read your wedding announcement in the Sunday paper.



Every day that goes by that I don't hear from you, I get just a tiny bit better. Then, when I hear from you, I go right back to (date of his marriage)when I felt like dying. I find myself checking for emails and texts a dozen times a day. It is sad, but the sweet texts lift my spirits. A few days go by and you send a nasty one and I'm right back to square one when I coudn't breathe. Do you not know how much your words still have the power to cut me to the core?



I told you before, I don't know how to be without you and that hasn't changed. But you are now married to someone else and it has to be that way. It doesn't mean that I don't care or that I don't WANT to hear from you. I just means that I can't. I live with enough regret and I don't need to add anything else to the list. I cannot do to your wife what others did to me. I cannot be the other woman and that's how the messages make me feel because I know she doesn't know about them. I'm so confused by it all. Do you not have any idea how painful all this is for me?



Right now I'm an absolute basket case and I'm having a really hard time. As long as you are married, there can be no contact between us as I can't survive this roller coaster ride of emotions where I'm high one minute and in the depths of despair the next and all based on the words you send in a text.
END
*************
I had not yet sent this as it had been quite a few days that he had not texted me so I thought he may not send anymore. I didn't want to send something saying don't contact me when he wasn't. Then the one came on Thursday and then again last night.

I know I shouldn't try to read into anything, but can't help but wonder what the motive is. One day I'm the best ever. When I dont' respond I get the goodbye text. Sad story of our marriage. Just wish I could understand the motive. Might help.


All of the above emotions are very true for me. Adequate? Delete some things? Send as is?
Advice greatly appreciated.

Is the letter too needy, too telling, too ___________??????????????