I'm new to MB. Read a number of articles that I have enjoyed, but saw one on keylogging and was appalled. My husband has repeatively snooped around on me, and everytime he has, my feelings for him decrease. I'm disgusted with myself that I married a man so insecure and paranoid. We've been together 12 years. I have never cheated on him or even actively considered it. I trust that he hasn't on me, although his general lack of trust leads me to believe that shaddy behavior is in his nature more so than not. What am I missing about this snooping thing? Someone convince me that all of his slick ways have been for our good, and not a lusty desire for control and power born out of inborn insecurity and personal feelings of guilt and shame.

He's apologized and promised to stop. I'll assume he has until I unsuspectingly find out he has not. He's reluctantly(a couple of times) exchanged passwords with me, although I honestly never have wanted his beyond brief moments of retailatory feelings. He likely changes his passwords soon after. I know he has at least once. He is quite secretive, which burns me even more. It's why I feel like his behavior is a power play; a means of one upping; a predatory way of gaining a personal sense of security.

Ahh, yes. He doesn't trust anyone(one of his more attractive features)! He was raised in a dysfunctional family. His LD semi ex gf of a couple of months cheated on him 15 years ago. He thought we were too good to be true. I'm on the internet more than usual. He can't believe I'd stay with him after such and such a fight. You name it, so has he.

I think you should do your best to make sure he is not insecure by opening up your life to him completely. He should have access to everything. Nothing should be kept secret in a healthy marriage. However, he should open up his life to you too.

If your husband feels insecure about something what are you doing to alleviate that feeling?

A good way to help him trust you is to open up your life to him. A keylogger would be a great way to help him feel more secure about you. Does he know where you are at all times when you are apart? Do you have good boundaries around members of the opposite sex?

It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries. Do you have good boundaries?

Teetering, so far, you've described him & his conduct as insecure, paranoid, slick, shady, secretive and predatory. That seems to speak of something running deeper than just your aversion to being snooped upon. Seems to me that your thread is probably better suited to the "MarriageBuilders 101" section of the forums, as your issue is not regarding snooping techniques per se, but regarding underlying, more fundamental issues in your marriage relationship. So I was about to recommend that you suggest that the Moderators move your post up to that section, but it looks like they've beaten me to it.

I'm sorry, I don't follow this last bit. Can you explain more?

My life has always been open to him. Intimacy defines a relationship to me. I have rarely received a modicum of reciprocation from him, and often blatant hostility in return for my transparency. He has no desire to open up to me, as he defines himself(perhaps even prides himself) as being someone who does not need intimacy.

Sure, sorry for the vague response. He has simply come up with any reason to snoop. [b][/b] Countless reasons.

Snooping, to me, signifies distrust and insecurity. Sometimes it's warranted, and sometimes not. But I don't understand how snooping falls under the Policy of Joint Agreement, or how I could frame his behavior in way that makes me feel as though it's loving vs. despicable.

And I'm angry and attempting to avoid an argument with him right now. I apologize if that's spilling all over the place.

Ok, if your life is open to him then how do you explain your hostility about his snooping? Why the disrespectful comments about his "insecurity" and "dysfunctional family?" You sound very hostile about HIM. Could that be why he is hostile?

What does he find while snooping that causes his hostility? Are you doing something that upsets him?

Snooping wouldn't work, though, if the other person knew about it. IT would defeat the entire purpose.

Snooping ALLEVIATES distrust and insecurity. When your spouse can see you using trustworthy behavior behind his back, it CREATES trust and security. So why would you object?

here

Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?

So he expects you to be OH with him, you are transparent with him but becomes angry with you.........but he is not being transparent with you? Like he is hiding and being secretive?

My life is open to him in a way that reflects an egalitarian relationship. I take deep offense to being sniffed and snooped about, and lied to. Snooping is covert dishonesty. If he would like to know about my life, he is welcomed to ask. If he has trouble asking, then perhaps a psychologist could help.

Yes, I am hostile towards him. I have convinced myself that his behavior is fundamental to who he is as a person(insecure, paranoid, and slick) and I find it incredibly difficult to like him on a consistent basis with those things running through my mind. Yet, I do love him and want better for us. It's part of why I have stayed.

Over the years he has found a number of things. When we first began talking(online), he found out that I was still speaking to my ex occasionally. As we weren't dating and had never met at the time, it just wasn't something we had talked about. He eventually demanded that I stop speaking to my ex all together and I did. Haven't spoken to him in well over a decade. About 5 years ago, he found a diary that I was writing about the people I had dated and some messages on a forum after he'd been keylogging our computer. Some of what I wrote was fictitious for effect and some of it was true. I've always liked writing and have a lifetime worth of this kind of stuff prior to meeting him. In any case, I wrote about a past boyfriend who I had feelings for at the time and he went bananas. I told him if he didn't want to know what my thoughts were, perhaps he'd like to continue avoiding me in conversation, but additionally, not keylogg our computer. I have always been more than happy to discuss with him the inner recesses of my mind, and would love to hear about the same from him. There is nothing that I'd like to withhold from him in my heart or mind, but playing the game of cat and mouse seems so much more fun to him. The element of surprise and shock just doesn't do it for me the way it seems to do him. I'd prefer the more boring route of the "just talk".

I've been met with incredibly threatening behavior upon attempting to truly let him in leaving me nowhere to go. I can't talk out loud to him, and I am not free to write without fear of retribution either.

There is nothing else. I have never come close to cheating on him in our marriage. I protect us from outsiders as best I can. He is an entirely different story.[b][/b]

Hmm. I just don't observe that to be true. Snooping may temporarily relieve the feeling, yes-in the person who was originally doing the snooping. I agree with that, but I don't value the temporary relief. The relieving feeling is at the other spouse's expense(why I feel it predatory) and the distrust spreads like a disease. If you don't trust me and would have the audacity to track me down like a pet or caged animal, why would I trust you?

I have never led him to believe that I am untrustworthy within our marriage anymore than my going to the bathroom alone and closing the door would lead him to think in that direction. I refuse to take responsibility for behaviors that were evident in him long before we even met in person, although he'd like me to.

We both work from home and are together, literally, all day and night long. Which doesn't make cheating impossible, of course, but nonetheless.

Your hostility to his snooping is incredibly suspicious so I can see why he snoops. Your reaction is a huge red flag. Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders would have this to say about your behavior:




Yet, snooping would make him LESS insecure and paranoid. Your hostile reaction only makes him MORE insecure. It would make any normal person very suspicious. If my husband felt insecure, I would WELCOME him putting a keylogger on my computer. Why would I care?

NOTHING in marriage should be kept secret. NOTHING. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

Here is what Harley advises in situations like yours:



ADDRESS the red flags with him. Instead of being sneaky and cagey, ask him what you are doing that sets off his red flags and resolve those issues.


Of course he would be upset to hear about your feelings for another man. This is information he has a right to know. And your "writing fictitious stuff for effect" sounds like a load of baloney. We have had many, many cheaters use the same excuse to cover up affairs. Another red flag for your husband.


You just contradicted yourself. The title of your thread is that you are "FURIOUS" that your husband snoops; your posts indicate your fury that he has read your work behind your back so it is not true that "there is nothing you would like to withhold from him in your heart and mind."

As an outside observer I can tell you that your behavior is very sneaky which explains why he doesn't trust you. If you want to be trusted then STOP acting so hostile when he snoops.

Again, snooping will increase his trust of you. You should WELCOME it, not hide from it. Your reaction would make anyone suspicious.

Your reaction should scare him to death. It is a huge red flag. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. If you want to be trusted, then you should welcome his snooping. You don't.

He has a right to know every thing you do. He is your husband. And the fact that you RESENT this should indicate to him that you are doing something wrong.

No, he is not transparent with me. Even after finding nothing from years of tracking me, he could hardly agree to exchanging passwords with me on FB and email. When he did, he gave me the opportunity to briefly look at what was there(LOTS of back and forths with numerous women he knows in private chat and email), and then he changed his passwords again, which surprises me not and falls right in line with what I imagine of a perpetual snooper, right or wrong. I told him that I do not talk to men(including old friends) in private chat or email and he was shocked to find that to be true, but it changed nothing. One girl, whom he called and emailed for nearly a year, actually reached out to me on FB and told me to tell him that she couldn't answer his call(as in, he was calling to talk to her downstairs in our home while I was upstairs working). At that point, I told him that he needed to tell me every conversation that he was having with someone of the opposite sex and he agreed after kicking and scream and claiming HIS right to privacy! Well, he went out of town last year for a work related venture quite close to where this godsister lives now(she used to live in our town but moved last year), and the two of us share a cell.

When he got back I thought I was going to FB on our phone, but he was logged into his account. The first thing I see is him reaching out to her, after he had told me that he hadn't spoken to her in nearly a year. The conversation was flat and benign, which is beside the point. He lied to me about talking to her, and this is the way it has been ad nauseam. I don't need keylogging software and tracking devices, I need a grown up who wants what I want: a mature, intimate relationship between secure equals. /rant