When someone doesn't follow through on a decision that has been POJAed it means one of two things: they changed their mind OR they agreed to something they didn't really want to do because they were under pressure.

It is an expectation of the POJA that either partner has the right to change their mind at any time. So if your husband doesn't follow through, that is ok. But he needs to learn to RE-negotiate another decision with you.

Do you and your husband understand that aspect of the POJA?

It depends on how you spin it. Does MB just benefit me, or does it benefit our relationship? To him, Marriage Busters benefits me. Being romantic benefits me. Reading books about how our relationship can be improved benefits me. How would you approach such a perspective?

Renegotiating is not something he is typically willing to do. So while he may say he is ok with things, he really isn't, and I know it, but don't know how to approach it because he's telling me he is. He really isn't ok with MB, or anything else having to do with improving our relationship. He just wants me to be fine with everything as it is, and he'd be quite happy so long as I acted as though I was, because he feels like I give him what he needs and that's all that really matters. If only I'd move beyond my own needs, everything would be perfect.

Thank goodness he wouldn't go to counseling since it is so destructive to marriages. Most men don't have any use for most marriage programs because most of them are replete with idiotic psychobabble. This program is completely different becuase it is psychobabble free and because it has step by step instructions.

I would try and get him to go through the first 5 chapters of Lovebusters with you. There is a workbook you can buy on this website [it is $11] that goes with it. It has questionaires that will be a great help to you both.

I would start there by doing the questionaires and answering the questions at the end of each chapter in Lovebusters. That should eliminate the worst of your lovebusters on both sides.

And while you are doing that, you can work on making lovebank deposits by scheduling undivided attention time. Tear out the worksheet in the back of the workbook and just start scheduling your time. It should be devoted to meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. Getting in 15+ hours of UA time per week will make the greatest lovebank deposits in the fastest amount of time.

Fairly easily.

In fact Dr H began this site and has tapes and a radio show/phone counselling for the express reason you cite. Most men hate relationship books and Dr H says it is a TERRIBLE idea to enforce that on a man who doesn't want to do it. You can bring MB into the relationship by following it yourself.

As for 'being romantic' if he is forced to do it, it isn't romantic!

You have to find the avenue to your needs that he genuinely agrees with. Something he would actually enjoy!

You can't simply say do it "for me"

How would it benefit HIM? People buy things when they see a perceived benefit. How does he benefit?

We've read the entire book together. He thought most of MB was bunk judging by his actions, and the idea of spending 15+ hours was hideous to him. He said there is no way in the world he is spending that much time with me. He did go to counseling with me for awhile, and it actually helped us better than anything else. Turned us around more than anything else has, but obviously didn't eliminate our fundamental problems and he stopped the week that he said he felt like we were really making progress. Said it cost too much, and that's how we ended up at reading LB.

This is a very common problem and can be easily tackled with MB.

Many men who are getting their own needs met simply don't understand their wifes needs are different. They also resent being told what to do, which is correct on their part.

With MB you can make it worth his while, and a joy rather than a chore.

Have you ever (calmly) told him that your unhappiness is such you consider leaving?

Saying it angrily doesn't count as it is not very easy to take an angry person seriously.

I would also be sure to add that your goal is to make him JUST as happy as you: "how do you feel about looking at some options?" Or "How do you feel about looking about how we can better meet your needs too?"

Always keep in mind that your decisions should benefit you both.

He benefits because it makes me happy, and when I'm happy I'm inspired to make him happy, and around we go. I've told him that. It benefits him because we gain the knowledge to move this ship forward so that it doesn't have to be a focus of our day, and he can concern himself with other things. I've told him that. He's not sold.

Yes but doing what? Are you saying that if the two of you spent that time doing his absolute favourite RC activity he would still find the idea 'hideous'?

Again, what is in it for him? Why should he be sold on this idea?

No - that's you benefiting.



Nor should he be!!!!!!

If you are fighting and committing lovebusters, most spouses would avoid any time together so I can understand why he would resist. This is why I suggested jumping into the first 5 chapters of Lovebusters FIRST and getting your lovebusters under control.

People buy things when they see a perceived benefit. How does he stand to benefit from this program?

The problem with counseling is that it focuses on conflict resolution and "communication" which does nothing to help the fundamental problem in the marriage.

Yes,I have and I've also given him the benefits as well. He has told me that his needs are well met, and so he has little incentive to meet my needs in order to get his own met. The anger comes after I say these things calmly and clearly for months, he agrees to work with me, and then does absolutely nothing, and responds to my reminding or questioning him on his part by blowing up at me in anger.

That is not a benefit though. That is how it benefits YOU. What does he like to do? What did you do when you were dating?

So why should he be interested because obviously the happiness of the woman he professed to marry just aint enough? I just want to say that that alone is disgusting to me. Why am I begging someone to care about me again?

What are his top ENs?

Dr Harley EXPRESSLY warns couples to NEVER do this.

You H should NEVER agree to things that only make you happy.

And you should certainly not agree to make it worth his while 'next time'

Each and every decision should benefit you both.

Your H sounds like he is fantastic at POJA!

He is refusing to sign up to a cycle of taking it in turns to be miserable and no doubt is pulling his hair out!

Oh yea, I tried that too. The exchange was that if we do the work together, I'd watch the kids so he could go to the gym and play basketball. An hour of us time, for 1.5 hours of ball. Never happened, and this was his suggestion. And if the relationship does not benefit him, then why exactly am I'm trying to build one with him?

Did you notice how resentful you are because you are meeting his needs and he is not meeting yours? That is why it is a bad idea to meet someone's needs without reciprocity. That is sacrifice, and sacrifice leads to resentment. It characterizes renters relationships and renters keep score.

Of course it isn't enough. You should BOTH be happy. Decisions which only take into account your happiness are silly decisions.

And if you have been making decisions in which only he benefits, that is equally silly because you've been expecting 'payment' in return for sacrificing.

Stop the circle of sacrifice and start making decisions that benefit you both.

If you want to have nice times together choose something that isn't a chore for either of you.