I know that it's hard to do, but you must let go. Given your description of your husband, it sounds like he wouldn't get near her with a hundred foot pole, or any other woman for that matter. As long as that is the case tracking her isn't going to do anything but drive you crazy. If that isn't the case, then that is where the focus needs to be.

Thank you for your post. And yes, I've resolved to resist the urge to check on her FB. I see this is a "trigger" and have to stop. As far as staying busy, yes, I can always find something to do. Our 7 grandchildren are in other towns (1-3 hours away) but we do visit regularly (and they us). I'm also a fulltime teacher AND I'm working on my master's degree in math to teach at the university level soon...(I started on this only 6 months ago...I was set to do so right before this all came out two years ago, and postponed it until I felt our marriage was back on track.) We're also music ministers at our church, so there is always music to practice. So YES, I can find another distraction, and I will! Thank you!

I'm sorry...new to this...what is UA time?

Undivided Attention
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html

Undivided Attention.

Here A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Wow...best post yet. I listened to the radio clip on Forgiving the OW...and I feel this might be a big part of the problem...and perhaps a reason for this compulsion. I'm am a deeply religious person who has always believed in forgiveness. I felt it was my OBLIGATION to forgive her. (even tho she has not contact either of us since the breakup, and never apologized to me.) I spoke of this anger I was holding against her to my priest, and he told me it was a "righteous anger" and that "SHE did evil, trying to break up what God had joined together", and that it was ok to feel anger towards her. But I still felt it was my Christian duty to forgive her. But I was (and still am!) angry at her for her deception, her going after MY husband, etc... I've tried to pray for her, and I've struggled. I CAN pray, "God, please don't let her do this to another couple!" (and I do). But this radio message told me that Jesus' example of forgiveness was only to reconcile a relationship (which we don't have) AND only IF the other person apologized...which she has never done! It spoke of simply "letting go"..which I have resolved to do as of TODAY! NO MORE CHECKING UP ON HER. I'm ONLY focusing on strengthening our marriage. I will not give her ANY power over me! Thank you!

Amazing, I'm so glad. Your post really resonated with me because we were helping the OW deal with being widowed young.

If I had understood the lovebank then as I do now, I simply would never have allowed her to get so close. So glad to hear of your recovery. Did you set all those conditions intuitively?

Thank you for your response...please read my other recent posts. I appreciate everyone's kind words and advice. I HAVE really been focusing on my husband...and he on me; but that's not to say we can't do more. We are almost in a honeymoon stage again (even two years later) because we both realized how precious our marriage is and that it's worth fighting for. This is not to say it's been easy, but we're making it. We've been on trips, weekend get-aways, "dates", read many books together on strengthening our marriage...etc. Although I didn't spend a LOT of time tracking her, it's obviously been a trigger that keeps all of this in the forefront of my mind, and I need to move on. My husband is totally devoted himself to me and our marriage...it's my turn to just LET GO AND LET GOD!

Thank you! I am letting go...

OH! Yes, I only did the tracking when he was working and I was home (I teach and usually arrive home before him, plus I have longer breaks...which is when I discovered her FB again recently and found out she moved out of state.) We actually spend a LOT of quality time together and even more than ever now. I kept asking him (when he had moved back home and we were initially working through this) what had I done wrong, or what was missing in our marriage to lead him to doing this...and he said over and over "nothing! you did nothing wrong! and I guess I was flattered that a younger (beautiful) woman would be interested in me. And that I felt you really didn't need me like she did. And probably some feelings of excitement: we'd been married for so long, things were kind of routine"... Now, in retrospect, I realize that although we had a good marriage, I could have done more to make him feel needed / loved. So we are BOTH working on that.

Thank you for your thoughtful post! And yes, I agree, I was being "active"...and am now resolved to stop. Thank you! I refuse to give HER any more power over us! DONE! She is out of our lives, and a memory. I WILL remain vigilant about protecting my marriage...but no more checking/tracking her.

Yes, I did! Only AFTER we were back together and started on the road to recovery (and reading as much as possible to help guide us through these uncharted waters!) I was pretty amazed that I intuitively insisted on all the right things!

And YES, we are together, still in love, and SO thankful to God's Holy Spirit for guiding us through all of this! Our wonderful priest (who knows of all of this) tells us that he feels that all of our years of service to the church (we've been youth pastors, Sunday school teacher, and music ministers for over twenty years) gave us grace from God to survive even this seemingly insurmountable hurdle.

God is SO good!