January 4 2013 the loneliest day of my life. My beloved my rock my life washed out like a gigantic mud slide. Its been a long bumpy but some how we always endeared. 21 years of being all that I am is no more. With the stroke of a pen, she tells me she is tired and needs a fresh start. Acting ever so sweet but planning for months. Tells me she has been thinking about it for years.(God this it so heard) Even after enduring two affairs on her part mind you. Second time was a pasture none the less.

We went to a marriage encounter weekend February 26 ,2005. I though was a great success we were communicating. At least for a few months. We ware both being open and honest with each other. After a wile the openness was two much for her and she would rather discus every thing but us. She felt I was attacking her pointing out what I seen and felt about our relation ship. Looking back now I can see her point. She was on the right track. The quality time together was more important then working on what we were doing wrong. In any case I felt she was hiding and not being honest with her feelings. Felt like I was poring out my heart and she was taking it lightly. So of coarse I thought it was not fare, and quit writing, Even resented her a bit for it. She kept at it for a month or so before quitting. A few months later and I tried to start it back. Only to get a reply of it was two stressful. And I can now see she was right about that. Really wish I could have found this material back then. So many things I was doing so wrong. If only we could have had the proper tools. It did teach us we needed to communicate. But I just didn�t get the how.

From there I tell now has been a roller coaster ride. Muddy, distant, depressed ,not talking, avoiding the elephant in the room, not meeting each other needs (I really suck at this one) an angry out burst would have been a God sent. If she had only kicked me back side. Wake up! You are losing the love of your life, she is droning and you are not there for her. I have been such a jack [censored]. I love her with all that I am. Always have, she was my every thing ,my world. If I had only been listening she had been telling me all along. Just couldn�t get over the hart and distrust, didn�t really know how.

Last few weeks I found this site and thought maybe this is just what we need in our lives. Been reading and trying to impendent some of the concepts I found hear. Trying to work up the courage to ask her to try the program with me. Order one of the books to get me started. Only to receive a deer John letter one day before the book arrived.

I�m not delusional. I�m guilty of not meeting her needs. All of them. I have been totally depend on her for every thing. I was so blind on just how much she was enduring. She was trying so heard to be the perfect wife. I suppose one of the main things that ate at me. Was the undivided time. When we were together there was always some thing going on.
Phone, texting ,relatives ,kids, even lately football. Even driving to and from places radio turned up. I would get upset some times about it. So she went to using an mp3 player. Just great now she just blocks me all together. The worse was local football game. God forbid I would wont to talk over that. I realizes getting up set over that was wrong she enjoyed them things. It was more desperation to compete over all the other things she had going on. I missed that companionship just a little one on one with my life partner. Just jealousy I suppose . so many thing going on in her live plus trying to be that perfect wife and take care of so much.

All I could see is all the red flags she was showing for having a EA/PA. we discussed it after the marriage encounter weekend. She seemed to under stand that was what would trigger my emotional problems. Depression, and such. Started out good she would make it a point to let me know ware she was going and who she was eating lunch with. That tapered off and then I would have to ask. We talked about a couple time that it really bothered me and made me feel uneasy. She then started to write it on the calendar steel only lasted a bit. I randomly checked on her and it would pan out to be true. I quit worrying about it just block it out. She�s not doing any thing. Then of all things stupid things I could have done. I registered us on fb maid it a joint account mine and her name on the tag so we could join family and church friends shear thoughts and such. Next thing I know she has over 200 friends and theirs an im built into it. I have no idea who all these people are. She goes on a diet. Looks great and started buying sexier clothing even down to matching under garments yes I deed she was looking hot . I see dressing up for every one but me. At and home she puts on flannel pajamas. An most of the time strait to sleep no talking . Yes I should have told her how hot she looked and how much I loved her. I show affection by touching her. What she needed was for me to say it. In any case I became more and more jealous. To the point of paranoia and depression was coming back. Sunday evenings she started going early to church early like 3 or for hours. Then I decided to just show up at church time ,she wasn�t there o boy hear we go again. checked her car when she came home it was not hot enough for her to have driven that far. Checked her phone all call history deleted. Knot knowing hot to address this again without sounding like an attack. Trust and such I started looking for help on the internet which finely landed me on here ..


Fell in love high school have three kids between us I have one form a another girl. we got married I did cheat on her prier to getting married tolled her and asked for forgiveness. our marriage ceremony included the words �would have no other lover� said I do and I did.. would not allow myself to be even in a position to do it again. have 0 friends very limited family support. All I ever needed or wonted. Is now gone

Hi tnt, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you please give us basic facts? Such as:

1. facts about her affairs - when and with whom?

2. has she asked for a divorce?

3. is she moving out?

4. have you checked up on her to see if she is having an affair?

5. any children?

6. were her previous affairs exposed?

Please bare with me I have dyslexia and don�t spell very good

Thank God for spell check but some time you have to get it close to even get a suggestion.



facts about her affairs - when and with whom?

first one was a manager where she worked at lunch time she said it was a one time thing and almost got her and him fired. 19 yr ago our first child was one year old I think
next one was with song leader/now pasture of another church it was when he just got his credentials yr. 2004 he told to his wife which my wife had told him about the older affairs so my wife told me before his wife could..
I was completely dumbstruck didn�t even have a clue to either one I completely trusted her.

has she asked for a divorce?

yes she wants car and house and joint custody of last child only one left under 18

is she moving out?

yes she gave me the deer john letter at noon and came back at 5 to pick up pillow and bathroom stuff. The letter was dated 12/29/12 gave to me 1/04/13

have you checked up on her to see if she is having an affair?

She was playing sweet pie, getting ready to get out. Tell December when she was just avoiding me. Suspect it but cant prove it just a lot of red flags. Which are described toward the end of the post last thing she did was put pin # on phone.

any children?

Yes 3 two of which are ours oldest is from old girlfriend things happen when you play around like that with out protection . She just gave him to me. he is 22

were her previous affairs exposed?

No except to very few. This was more e/a with a bit heavy petting. Wife was children minister he is pasture of another church a few towns away. Both would have lost ministry boy was I tempted.

The first one have no idea who are ware he is happened long time ago. She did how ever introduce us at the time I had no idea. Was pretty pissed after finding out she did that .

You helped him keep his ministry so he could have more affairs in the church? I am sure the predator pastor appreciated that, but I doubt that the husbands of the other women he pursued did. I am sorry to hear you enabled a predator pastor. He should have lost his career because he is a fox in the henhouse. You did him and that church no favors by covering up his crime.


I don't think this is very hopeful, but it sounds to me like she is a serial cheater and is having another affair. I would hire a PI to find out who the current affair is with.

And when you find out, please come back here and we will help you with next steps. One of those steps will be wide spread exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping them secret only allows the affair to thrive and grow.

I really prayed long and heard on that one. Some of the ones that know keep him on a very tight, leashes his wife being one of them think she would castrate him if he even remotely tried it again.



The first one she was 18. I was working very long hours shut in plant work. We rarely even seen each other. What bothers me about that one was keeping it a secret for so long.


Unfortunately she was the sole provider we put her trough college before my body completely failed not mush demand for a broken down construction worker testing for the nice jobs kicks me out of that. So I get left at zero. 100 dollars left to my name. and taking care of elderly father. That was one of the complaints picking up supplies for him . that was to stress full. If she had said so I would have gladly done it just thought we were saving gas. With her doing it on the way home . picking up depends is a bit embracing but got to do what ya got to do. Worst time ever for this to go down he just had quadruple by pass and they ripped out his part of his urinary track just before coming home. Have to go back in for couple more surgery

any way pi is out of the question.

Sorry for your hardships, tnt. I would find a way to snoop on her and find out what she is doing. It sounds very much like she is having another affair. A serial cheater does not cheat because of unmet needs, but because they are addicted to cheating, so don't blame yourself for her affair.

How can you spy on her?

Well I know its probably reaching for the sky. I did drive bye felt kind creepy stockish even she was at the right place last night. She dropped our son off yesterday evening told him to be ready at 7:30 this morning for her to pick him up. Way out of her way to get him in the morning. Sounded like she didn�t won�t him at night for some reason.

If I had just found this site sooner. I probably would have done the gps tracker thing. Or the cell ph thing she just recently locked it with in two weeks. I checked it a few days earlier for call logs and they were deleted that what convinced me she was probably up to some thing. Waited a few days and checked again and it was locked.

Posted prayer request on fb page.
prayer request ....for those who do not yet know. my darling wife of 21 years. yesterday informed me she is tired and that she would like a divorce and a fresh start. i have overly depended on her and did not show enough appreciation. for what she has done. for this i am truly sorry. just wish we could have learn to communicate better before it was too late.. pray for me ... tell your partner how much you love them every day. this has be a truly sad day....

church members are on friends list on it. Two older kids tell me she was a bit aggravated over it because she hadn�t told all her family and she started to get calls. I did it because I really need it.. and don�t think she would appreciate me just showing up at the church. For that. Don�t wont her to stop going really I think it just embarrassed her. Over 200 contacts don�t think she necessarily wonted every one to know all her business. She also holds a chamber position on town board. If I knew who was who I limited who could see it but I don�t and I really have nothing to hide.

We reside at my fathers house we haven lived in our house for years and its occupied right now, she moved to her sisters house thy are will be out of town for a few months

tnt, have the kids seen any new boyfriends? IF she is staying at her sisters alone, I would make it a point to stake out her place and see who comes by.

One is 100 miles away the other is several states away. dad got to go back to hospital wen problems with last surgery sowed up to day. what timing.