Hi All,

I thought I would post my story for you to read and perhaps let me know what I am dealing with.

It started early this year whenI started to notice that a my wife was receiving comments on her facebook photos from a man knowone in the my family knew. The comments started to be personal and written in Spanish (My wife is from Chile came here at 7 years old).
She the started to password her phone and hide her friends on Facebook from me and my children. When I questioned her on this she and asked her abouts the comments she said that she wanted privacy and the comments were innocent. No they weren't!
Then in April of this year she decided to want to go and see family in Sweden and a friend. The whole family became supicious that something was going on but we could not prove it. What we found out once she left was that she was going to stay with this "friend" the male that was commenting on her photos. This person was a next door neighbour when she lived in Chile.
So here is what happend. She has been searching for him for years she tells me . When I had done something wrong and offended her she would think of him. Now we have since found out that when she visited Chile at the age of 14 she was raped by a man "her Boyfriend" and this man she went to see in Sweden was the perfect person and just looked after her after the rape.
She has had an affair with him from July to September and then has come back home . We have had a lot of problems since she has been back and now she is returning to Sweden in 2 days to get "Closure" . To make sure he is not the man she should be with for the rest of her life.Then she is going to come back and give our family 100%.

My family Me 44 Her 44, D22 , D20 , S18, S10, Son 10

She has told me that the reason she has done this is because when we were going to have our first child I must stop smoking . I couldn't straight away and she found out I was still smoking on and off over the next 2 years. SHe then said she would leave me if I didn't and I didn't so she left me for a week 18 years ago. I have since during stressful time smoked on and off and she would continually smmel my clothing and accuse me and the she tells me she would think of this guy and it would be her "safe Place". She has done this because of my lying about smoking.She has been unhappy for 20 years but stayed for the children. This is a suprise to me and my extended family . Our house was always open and our childrens friends loved coming because we were a happy family. My daughters soon to be husband told her that she is not that good of an actor and that he has know us to be a very happy family.
What do we do now ? I am unsure . She leaves this week and everyone is telling her that she shouldn't. I have decided though that I cannot do anything about it. It hurts so much though. I do love her but my head says let her go and build a new life with the children. We have 2 daughters getting married next year and this is going to be hard as everyone know the situation. Her parents and brother will not speak to her as they are so hurt.

What amazes me is that she has made me out to be a monster "abusing her verbally" and thats why she went to her "safe place". Thta was a couple of weeks ago. Now the reason she goes to her safe place is because of my lying about smoking. She actually had her family convinced I had been bad to her for a couple of days. Then her story fell apart and that is when they started to see through what she was saying.

Now there is a lot mor but I will finish with this. Yes we have had arguments over the years. My problem is that when we argued she would see it as abusing to her and would think of the time when this guy just listened to her. My daughter put it this way to me "life [censored] dad You didn't even know that would cause her to feel that way and now you have to suffer.

Any thoughts and help would be appreciated. I am in counciling as well as she is. She had 2 sessions that has shown her why she does go to her safe place and now believes the best thing to do is to go back to him and get closure. Her councillor told her as well as everyone else you don't need to go back .
The next sessions for her help her to get closure and use me as her safe place. By the way when she was In Sweden I did become her safe place. She wrote some amazing thing to me . How she missed me and loved me. How I was her Rock.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who all knows of her affair? Is he married?

What can you do stop her from leaving to see her OM?

Have you read this?
Start Here First- Welcome Aboard

Hi BrainHurts,

She has already gone , but is coming back in March
Everyone knows about the affair.

Her family will not talk to her or allow her to stay with them when she comes back..

She did not ring for Christmas or New Year . She did however send me a message . "I hope 2013 brind about a new beginning in our lives. And I hope and Pray you don't give up on me"

A couple of days later my 10 year old sent her a message from my phone asking her when are you going to call us .
So for the first time in 6 weeks she called.

She spoke to me and said "I am coming home. I miss the children. I know things now. " I said to her if that is the case why aren't you coming home now ? Why are you waiting till March. She told me I was trying to control her and hung up.
Forgot to mention that she said if she can't come to home then she will make her life overseas. I told her, Wow that shows how much you miis the children. You are willing to stay there and never see them again.

i would like to send her a letter to say I have given up hope on her and because of that these are the consequences. She will try and manipulate me as she has been able to before but I am stronger now.
Do you think this would be a good idea ?

Is this OM married?

Who did you expose to on his side?

So she is living with him and not talking to the children? HAve you spoke to a lawyer?

No the other man is not married. He has a child. Apparently his family know and his mother told him that the both of them always loved each other. She was 7 when she left chile and only seen him when she was 14. They have had no contact for 30 years. His side don't seem to be bothered.

I have spoken to a lawyer and have details of my options which includes full custody of the children and a far less settlement for her.

I am wondering if I should tell her this.

How hard should I get now ?

No. Do not tell her the details of visiting a lawyer.
In your case the best option is to seek full custody of your kids and divorce her.
She is incredibly selfish and uncaring towards her children

Divorce is war and you do not share these details with her.
File for full custody now before she comes back.
The court will grant it to you because she has abandoned her children.

If you decide you want to reconcile you can do so after divorce

Just thought I would update my situation.

I did expose to all family and friends sides .It has just seen her not contact anyone who does not agree with her. which is most people.

I did write her an email about 1week after she hung up on me . I told her that I was done and that she should organise her visa to stay overseas. I also told her that it would be best if she does not contact me anymore so I can move on an heal. I then deleted all my email accounts and changed my phone number.

A week later I was starting to feel better when her friend contacted me concerned about her. she was saying something happened and she wanted to come home. Dumb me I was concerned so I made contact. She had not changed her attitude towards me although she admitted something happened but that was back then and I am fine now and was going to stay till March.

That was enough for me . I have been in IC since this happened and this has helped a lot. She believes I need much more to be able to see how bad I am. The problem for her though is that the IC has made me see that all the complaints she has made about me are decribing what she is like. Her brother had kept telling me his since the start. Certainly I have issues that I am working on but they are not what she expects.

So I sent a copy of my journal that I had that went througdh all the issues. it certainly was not good for her to read as there was a lot of venting. However I had had enough and thought I really need you to see how I feel.

No response from her but I followed this up a week later with a letter from my lawyer stating that we have seperated and will head for divorce. We requested she sign a proposed court order that would see her see the small children once evey two weeks.
my laywer also asked her to seek other living arrangements until the divorce was final.This made her txt the older children saying she loved them Only one responded "why are you coming back"

She then spoke to the little boys for the second time since she left 10 weeks ago. I then spoke to her and was firm about her not cojing back to the house. She has said she is entitled. I legally can not stop her. This will be fun?

I told her she has no idea of the hurt she has caused and how is coming back with her attitude that it is all my fault going to be good for the children.She just comes across with so much anger. Her affair partner must be perfect. I told her stay with him so that if it works great for her and only come back when it blows up in her face. Not back to me but come back and appolise to your children. She knows it is wrong but she is an emotional beast and must follow her feelings.

not much more to say but if anyone can help I would appreciate it

File for divorce citing abandonment.
Cut off all her access to joint funds, credit cards, etc.
Change the locks in your house.

Read up on Plan B. You should implement it ASAP.

Hello wifesmc,

Are you supporting her financially?

Are you still in love with your wife?

We can help you TRY to save your marriage but if you do so please realize that you may be missing your best opportunity at getting primary custody and exclusive use of the marital home if you were to file for divorce based upon adultery and abandonment before she comes back. I just don't want you to regret anything. It's great and noble to try and many of us (myself included) have succeeded at saving our marriage and families but others have not been successful. I see you only have one son (age 10) remaining and three older siblings already the age of majority....so you risks aren't as high as many that arrive here. Your son will have some say on who has custody of him and his older siblings are unlikely to take mom's side anytime soon so the typical parental alienation games of the wayward spouse won't work in your case. Plus...if she divorces...she'll want to leave to be with her affair partner elsewhere (overseas, perhaps) so it's possible she won't even want custody if she divorces to go to this OM.

95% of all affairs end. Chances are there really isn't any end game with this guy. There REALLY being together is completely impractical...so like a drug addict she just uses today and then the next day while completely blocking out the future. She won't give up the crack pipe unless and until she hits rock bottom. Your job might be to bring the bottom up to her instead of waiting for her to fall into it. You are already doing exposure and though you may not see it...it's helping. It's isolating the affair and making OM completely responsible for meeting all her needs...which are becoming ever more enormous as the weight of her actions and choices become more and more costly. Every day she's losing her husband and children more and more to continue this affair ...thus the affair has to be and become more worth it every day.

I don't know exactly how to tell you to do this. I'm not a fan of the filing for divorce in order to manipulate her into reconciling as I believe filing for divorce is just more likely to result in you becoming divorced where saving it was your initial intention. However, filing may allow you to get her removed from the home and allow you to still Plan A followed by a Plan B with separation. However, it seems she's coming back in a few weeks which gives us time to help you prepare a stellar Plan A followed by a Plan B. Off the top of my head, perhaps some Plan A "stick" options should include cutting off all means of communication overseas in your home before she even returns. No internet...no wifi...no smart phone (cancel her contract AND cut her off financially so she can't afford any minutes unless OM sends her a phone which you could maybe buy a jammer so she can't use it in the home or throw away when you find it)...no house phone...etc. Sure she can go to the library to get on the computer but, at least that's not in your face or in your home anymore. A family intervention can also be planned....with children and family confronting her about her inappropriate behavior and addiction.

Attacking the affair and busting it up is your only initial objective. You can't "save" anything until that occurs. You are doing a good job already of not buying her bullcrap. It's called "gaslighting" and "history rewrites" which are merely rationalizations and justifications for the behavior she has already chosen to do. Sure you can work on those (I hope you quit smoking, for example) as part of your Plan A making the marriage and family the more attractive choice for her but you don't need to take most of those comments too seriously because they are just the rantings and manipulations of a active wayward. For example, my wife criticized and made fun of the toothpaste I use (Pepsodent). She called it granny toothpaste and her and OM had some laughs about it. It's actually funny because after a few years of recovery she finally tried my toothpaste and now prefers it to her old brand. Once I realized it was nonsense...it was so much easier to listen to (in Plan A just listen) and not argue and take it personally. It wasn't true but it's near impossible to teach an active wayward anything so arguing and debating trivial matters like your smoking activities 18 years ago is just a rabbit hole you don't need to enter. Besides...usually they are just trying to push your buttons so you'll get upset and angry and then they'll point out your anger as the reason they need to get away from you (so they can contact OM AND have something to talk/complain about when they do...which appeals to OM's savior complex).

When she returns you will also be forbidding her to see OM again. Giving her an ultimatum. No more trips or visits...including OM coming to the USA to visit. She sees him...it's over. You should consult a few lawyers now to get a feel for your rights and likely outcomes in your state AND to be prepared to file near immediately upon her next "abandonment". You just can't and don't need to endure another "vacation". She'll need to be fully aware seeing him is absolutely over (bring up rock bottom). Sure she'll fight you on this...call you controlling....whatever...she won't (or shouldn't) have access to family money to do this on her own and you are merely stating YOUR boundaries....the cage door is open...she can do what she wants. Her choices are hers....but your choices remain yours too (she doesn't control YOU anymore). You don't have to be angry or mean about stating what you'll tolerate and won't tolerate. Your feelings matter too. YOU matter too.

Sorry I've been so disjointed...this took me all morning. Lots of interruptions.

Godspeed,
Mr. Wondering

Thank you MW & NG.

It is hard to decide. After about 30 years there is still a love for her but it is gettinf less and less.

MW - I have 2 little boys 1 10years and the other 8 years. Yes the older children are adults but very hurt. They also still live with me.

I am from Australia and I have no rights as far as her coming back to the house. The problem is it will be hell. One daughter has already asked why she is coming back.

I think like most of us we do bounce between wanting to save the marriage and giving up. As the days go on , the longer she is sleeping with the other man and her bad attitude I want to just give up. Then I see my little boys and it is hard to just give up.Our family has always been so close and all our extended family and friends would comment on how close we were. I don't want my boys to miss this but I sturggle with will I be unhappy with her , she certainly tells me that she will be unhappy as she was never happy.

I would love to be able to save the marriage but I am up against it. I do not handle the images of her with another man very well, the fact she through herself at him and not to me.
All the blame she has placed on me I have am now starting to realise it is rubbish. That blame has hurt me a lot has and taken a long time to get to the stage where I can accept it her just justyfuing her action. Although it does still hurt.

I have bee very dark since she has been over there and I suppose it has helped me get stronger. Our last conversation showed that her attitude is still the same and will cause conflict in the house. What can I do about this. I have told her no contact ever and we will be monitoring the computers and the WIFI. She has her own phone that I stopped paying. Basically she nowhere else to go and no money at all. I pay for the car , house etc and the car my son is using. We have a business under her name which she is unable to operate but I will just hand that all to her. She can have an income from that although the last time she was here she refused to work there again although when it started she loved it.

If she does not stop the contact with him and follow a number of other boundaries how can I handle this ? I am unable to kick her out and to move me and 5 children is to hard.

I have IC today and will bring up the situation. My IC is very pro marriage and hs been great for me. She is actually a MC and it is unusual for her just to take me on. But I can tell she wants and believes the marriage can work.

Sorry for being a bit over the place. I think I will need to do a plan A in some way but guys I will need your help. She isnot going to make it easy.
I will need to really deal with her throwing herself at him. She has mentioned how wonderful the sex . my soulmate etc was . "It was making love" . Why do they say things like this. Help please.

Ps T
The lawyer was for me I believe the only option I had at this stage to be on the front foot for custody of the children

I had a good session with IC which helped me understand me much better.

I haved drained her phone of credit which she was using overseas. She had only called us twice but she is using the everyday. She will now need to buy credit to use it. She will be suprised when she goes to use it it is out of credit.

My MIL and FIL are so upset. My MIL wasin hospital for two days suffering from a stomach problem which was caused by too much alcohol(due to situation). I went to the hospital those two days as I am the only person they really have here. (son in a different state). She is better now and off the alcohol after I spoke to her.

I am keeping busy with work and the children. We are coping really well with the help of my mother and inlaws. It does show we don't need her.

My problem is I still feel so alone. I still think about what she is doing. This has become less now but is still there with the help of my IC.

What I need to do now is plan for her return. At this stage she is coming. She may change her plans after receiving the "why areyou coming home" from my daughter.

I believe she will still come so I need to plan for her being in the house with her attitude. She will not keep to the boundaries she has already said that although she will pretend to. She sees eveything as control.
How do we Plan A or B in this situation ?

it will be hard for her to live in a house full of people upset at her .It will be hard for us not to get angry at her as she has no regrets about what she has done.

Help please

Hold on. Your MIL was NOT in hospital from too much alcohol caused by situation.
Your MIL was in hospital because she chose to get drunk and is probably an alcoholic.
We can put blame where blame is due but don't blame your wife for her moms alcoholism.
Your MIL is responsible for her actions.

Sir my wife also left the kids and I and would come back from time to time.
Like yourself I was unable to legally evict her.
So I filed for divorce.

In many places you can legally evict her if she has abandoned the home and not returned. You need to ask your attorney about this immediately to keep her out f the house.

I lived with my cheating wife during divorce and it was a nightmare.
Tell your attorney to use all legal means to evict her for abandonment

Also you need to decide if you want to try to sve your marriage or get divorced.

If you want to save your marriage i recommend you eemail Dr Harley for advice on what plan to follow. He will respond to your email at no charge to you

Hi JK,

No MIL is not an Alcoholic. She hasn't had a drink since being in hospital. The Alcohol caused an issue with the pancreas. A lot of people tend to have had a couple more in stressful situation.

Anyway , I have 2 weeks to decide how to handle the situation when she comes home. BUT there is still a chance she may not.

I am not sure about if it will be possible to save the marriage as she is still blaming me and is angry that I pointed out it is not my fault.She is still believing that she has done the right thing.

It will make for a stressful time at the house. And no there is nothing I can do to prevent her coming in the house. I have sent her the boundaries that need to be in place, but she is going to ignore them and there is nothing I can do.

Does DIM at home help ?

"Boundaries" are what you will allow or not allow in YOUR life. They are "fences" around your property which others are free to ignore or do whatever with, it's what YOU intend to do about it if and when they make their choice(s) to violate them that's the important part to understand.


Here's an old favorite thread discussing the difference between boundaries and control/manipulation.

BOUNDARIES VS. MANIPULATION/CONTROL - An Open Discussion


See I don't think it's something you can put in place in advance. You can't ask a wayward wife to commit to your boundaries...instead you merely state them. When she comes home...you just don't negotiate, discuss or ever agree to her visiting or traveling alone again. You just say "no". If she decides to go away and violate your boundary you meet with an attorney and file based upon abandonment. No threats...no begging...no pleading. She's an adult, free to make her own choices, which you respect as much as you expect her to respect your choices to file and have her removed from your household.

Even 8 years later, I'm not perfect on this issue myself.

Mr. Wondering


p.s.- Just as a crackhead doesn't want to give up their drugs...especially while they are out on a bender (as your wife is as she visits OM in Europe) it's not likely your wife wants to come home at all. If you want to save your marriage...you need her to come home first AND THEN put forth your firm boundaries. She won't like them either way....but right now it's possible she's just going to use your firm boundary statements as an excuse to prolong her visit one more day, one more week, one more month. Perhaps the real battle to break up the affair will be more successful AFTER you've separated your enemies BY CONTINENTS. I'm not sure...but perhaps if and when she tries to extend the visit another week or another month you should just say "no", that she needs to come home NOW. You don't say anything more. No negotiating. No "or else". Let her imagine "what else". And if she stays anyway...consider your legal options. You can't go on like this indefinitely and you can't bust up the affair without her home and away from OM.

Thanks for the advice MW.
Well I have been away for work last week and have not been able to reply.

This is the week before she is supposed to come back. No one has heard from her in the last 2 weeks(Children, family or friends)
I have spoken to my older children who do not want her to come back to the house because on the tension she causes.

I am better emotionaly and are getting ready to face her when she comes back. The last time she was still nasty to me so being dark for the last few weeks has certainly helped me.

My boundaries are ready , but knowing her attitude , she will not follow them. I am not going to back down though which is what she will be expecting. She certainly did not like the email I sent her weeks ago when I pointed out that all her complaints about me were actually her. This had taken me a long time to understand , even though her family kept telling me she is describing herself. How do I enforce boundaries in this situation?


So as the week goes on I know it will get hard. We still havent confirmed if she is coming back. The children are anxious and concerned how it will be at home. I have told them we will try and just get on with our lives. It is up to them how they interact with her.

I have also told them they are not to pick her up from the airport as I will do this if required. They have told me they don't to, but they may feel obligated.

I need to prepare to be calm and try and be happy around the house with the children. It is going to be hard but I need to do this.