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Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by ak1
If you really like him (and it sounds like you do) then hint that your not like the others in that you don't care for the games. The idea is that you want him to be comfortable enough to show you his true self which is what you are really evaluating.

I wouldn't hint about it...I'd be very clear and direct so there is no misunderstanding. Most people (especially the divorced) seem to be on that page about playing games and drama. That's my experience anyway. Many profiles also address this issue so it is usually easy to bring up the subject and clear the air upfront.


I'm not clear on the meaning here? What subject/issue should I be bringing up?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by ak1
If you really like him (and it sounds like you do) then hint that your not like the others in that you don't care for the games. The idea is that you want him to be comfortable enough to show you his true self which is what you are really evaluating.

I wouldn't hint about it...I'd be very clear and direct so there is no misunderstanding. Most people (especially the divorced) seem to be on that page about playing games and drama. That's my experience anyway. Many profiles also address this issue so it is usually easy to bring up the subject and clear the air upfront.


I'm not clear on the meaning here? What subject/issue should I be bringing up?

If you don't think artist man is playing games then there is nothing to bring up...unless you just want to say something to him to establish your stance on the topic and be clear. My comment was more a general comment about people and the games people play.

In many profiles I see something like. "Done with the bar scene and I am not into playing games. If I like you, I will want to call and talk to you...I'm weird like that and would want to meet. If that freaks you out, please email and wink ad nauseam to other men. Thanks." laugh

I prefer ^^^^ flirt

Last edited by black_raven; 01/15/13 06:34 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Oh heck.
Just go on dates......
and
when you see red flags
don't ignore them.

Just have fun though cause that is what you really need after.......you know.......







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I'm so excited for you, Indie. I'm living vicariously through you so keep posting.


M 25 yrs, 3 teens
Dday 12/07
5ish False Recoveries (all in 2008)
12/08 WH moves in w/OW, her kids
Plan B/D/FU -- depending on the day
He files 1/09; D final 12/2012
"I'm moving on"
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Originally Posted by black_raven
In many profiles I see something like. "Done with the bar scene and I am not into playing games. If I like you, I will want to call and talk to you...I'm weird like that and would want to meet. If that freaks you out, please email and wink ad nauseam to other men. Thanks." laugh

I prefer ^^^^ flirt

Hahahaha. Yes it's much better to live in the real world!

Accountant man keeps texting me with no mention of actually meeting up. This evening he said he's texting me because he is in a hotel in the middle of nowhere and he's bored. Not my problem!

Artist man texted me to ask me about my day and say he's looking forward to our date tomorrow. I am too.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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So second date with artist man went very well. It was actually uncanny how well we got on.

As I predicted, somewhat from the get-go, he's sick of dating and wants a relationship. And he told me tonight he's not yet been on a date with anyone he likes as well as me.

He had somewhat guessed my position too though. I really do need to date and he said he was ok with that. Well not Ok, he was disappointed, but he said that having read my POF profile he thought he thinks he might know why I need that.

I even told him about the 30 dates. He just said 'Do it if you need to do it. Ill just be your friend, or whatever you like'

He seems kind of smitten. And I am not scared at all by it. I don't know what to make of that.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Well are you going to marry him or the accountant?

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Hahaha. Steady on! I'm not marrying anyone.

I think I've got rid of the accountant by being very unenthusiastic in my text replies to him. He was starting to annoy me


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
So second date with artist man went very well. It was actually uncanny how well we got on.

As I predicted, somewhat from the get-go, he's sick of dating and wants a relationship. And he told me tonight he's not yet been on a date with anyone he likes as well as me.
Has artist man been married before? If so, um, details!!


Originally Posted by indiegirl
He seems kind of smitten. And I am not scared at all by it. I don't know what to make of that.
You're not scared probably because you're in control. He wants a relationship, with you presumably, but you want the contrast effect. If he's smart, he won't press you on the issue and will allow you to proceed at your own pace.

Does the fact that you get along uncannily well diminish your desire to date others and get the contrast effect?

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Originally Posted by KeepLearning
Has artist man been married before? If so, um, details!!


He's never been married and has no children. Im not sure what the deal is there, since it's a bit early for deep revelations. He has said to 'ask him anything' but that is not my idea of taking it slow just now. I appreciated the offer though.

Originally Posted by KeepLearning
Does the fact that you get along uncannily well diminish your desire to date others and get the contrast effect?


Yes and no. Yes because it would be SO EASY to just get some needs met by this charming, attractive man. So easy to just dispense with the awkward chore of meeting new people.

No because I really don�t know enough about him to put all my eggs in that basket. Plus I am starting to feel a bit 'drunk' on the attention and I know contrast effect would cool things down


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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If you start to get serious Will you run a background check? Or sooner?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Good to hear you have scored a 'lover'.
Think you have to date more ppl & try to find more of those.
If you are allowed to ask anything...
Why didn't you ask a very serious question then?
"eg. What was your longest relation & where did it go wrong?"
Oww that's 2 questions.
:-)

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
If you start to get serious Will you run a background check? Or sooner?


I'm a reporter BH, able to get my hands on any info I want and I am very nosy. But I like to try using my judgement first.

Originally Posted by geroldmodel
"eg. What was your longest relation & where did it go wrong?"
Oww that's 2 questions.
:-)


He seems very 'sharey' and open like me so I dont think I would have to ask. Plus I definitely wouldn't on the first few dates!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Indie ... I am kind of facing this with a guy I am intersted in. He is very attractive to me. He is 38 and no kids. Not sure yet if he has been married. He and I are getting to know each other more, but in his world he wants to settle down. HUH? Your 38 shouldn't that have happened 10 years ago?

He works with my girlfriend. She has been good about feeding information to me on the sides. I have asked her repeatedly why isn't he already taken? What 38 year old man is still single? He is so nice, and he has great manners. We have been in a couple of meetings with each other and keeping up my non flirting, professional manner is difficult because I just want to stare and smile at him.

I am not sure what to do with this either. I do like him. Is this good, bad, or should I stop worrying? I have dated only one man and that was two months. I have gone out on a couple dates here and there, and nothing, and now this guy. Wow ... I have actual butterflies again.

Like you I question about the redflag It makes no sense to me why someone in their 30's isn't married. Something took precedent over that and for men usually it is their career, so then I think can they give up the time for a new relationship?

Then I think to myself why haven't you found the right one yet? What is it about these women in your life you didn't like? How many women have you dated?

What really constitutes a redflag? In my world I need my husband to meet my needs for family, honesty, sex, recreation, and physical attractiveness.

I guess if the man can't do this then I would classify him as redflag and if he can I should marry him ASAP so we can get started on the sex (i.e. not shacking up beforehand)?

Last edited by WalkinForward; 01/18/13 06:49 PM.
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WF, the whole point of dates is that you get to find out the answers to those questions!

You can't figure it out alone in your head.

I have been making lots of assumptions about artist man's non married status - maybe he travelled for work, maybe he got into some renters-type living situations.

But the only way I'll find out is to spend time with him and ask q's.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Can't wait to see how your dating adventures unfold for you.............

the chapter on artist man is, so far, so good.







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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
If you start to get serious Will you run a background check? Or sooner?


I'm a reporter BH, able to get my hands on any info I want and I am very nosy. But I like to try using my judgement first.

I figured you'd have this taken care of. Good for you.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Another option is to become a nun.
Have you considered this?


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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Another option is to become a nun.
Have you considered this?


Many things would have to happen before this became a viable option!

I was chatting to a very handsome, very funny man in the pub last night. He's an acquaintance of a friend and she very helpfully joked to his friends when they came in that she was with 'all single ladies' tonight (she is a diehard matchmaker).

However what tends to happen is I don't signal any interest, due to my married habits of boundaries. I realised this last night and tried to go out of my comfort zone a bit. I told him I specifically needed more twitter followers and would he follow me on twitter? He seemed to pick up on this and then spent all night talking to me. Later that night he then texted her at 2am asking her for my number.

Well when I got up this morning (I stayed over at her house) she told me about it and I thought this was fairly positive, even if the late night text was a bit strange. "But he has a girlfriend", she said. Then she proceeded to tell me a story I recognised from the days of her own 30 dates challenge.

For the purposes of this story I will call her Sarah. Basically they had gone out for a drink as friends but it turned into a meal. He had then texted another friend to ask if she thought Sarah was interested in him because he liked her. Both ladies got their heads together and sent him a message telling him to stop shopping around behind his girlfriend's back.

She is not a live-in girlfriend. Sarah says she finds her an odd choice of girlfriend for this guy because he is very clever, and a successful businessman and the girl is a hot but quite dizzy 24-year-old.

So my number will not be getting passed on to him.

However if I have spent an evening in someone's company flirting, does that count towards dating contrast effect? I need to find some way of boosting my numbers!

Last edited by indiegirl; 01/19/13 09:28 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
However if I have spent an evening in someone's company flirting, does that count towards dating contrast effect? I need to find some way of boosting my numbers!


After putting my profile on Match I was contacted by someone quirky, clever and funny. 15 minutes of his company was enough to make me realise that I was talking to a clone of my XH. No matter how much I enjoyed his sense of humour, I was sooooo not going near a nut job again so I bailed.

I would say that qualified for the purpose of numbers and I think your evening did too because it added to the knowledge of what works for you and what does not work for you.


3 adult children
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Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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