I suppose a couple of factors.
1). I associate the amount she drinks to poor health especially body weight. She isn't one for working out and to your next point ... she definitely doesn't like to work out in a group or even alone with me. We've discussed it. However she did do yoga with a GF for a while (so I wonder why she doesn�t want to work out in a group) and I could encourage she do yoga again.

2). I don�t like what it is teaching our kids. It feels a little irresponsible to drink every day and if they see it � they�ll think it is OK (which maybe it is OK) � which could lead to some poor choices.

The heavy drinking �
3). She gets a little plowed some times and when we're out with friends I feel a little embarrassed. Other than 1 or two of the guys she�s the only one getting smashed. My best friend commented once about it � and I was kind of embarrassed.

4). It reminds me of the old days where she�d go partying and stay out all night long while I waited at home for her to return. I�d go to work in the early weekend mornings and she�d come in with her drunk friends and I�d be totally turned off. So it's a trigger for me which I have to work with her to find a solution. But still it feels irresponsible to me to get that drunk.

5). Usually after a night of fun and drinking I�m wishful for some SF time (probably a bad idea). Because of the amount she drinks she�s usually in a position where it won�t happen as she�s no longer feeling so hot.


Her and I have purchased enough equipment to have our own home gym. Exercise bike, home gym, pull up bars elliptical, etc. Now we could always sell that and join a gym � but we tried that in years past and didn�t stick to it. For me I�ve always been a work out at home guy and have had a lot of success doing so. I�m not sure what would motivate her to be consistent with it. Other than the yoga she never sticks to anything for more than a week maybe two. She hates sweating is what she says.

As far as someone to guide us � that is a great idea. However this time with Dr J. hasn�t proven to be what I wished it would have been. She�s very adverse to being told/coached on what to do. Sigh. I�m sure that�s why I try to be logical with her � which ends up being me trying to educate her � I guess. Weird cyclical effect.

How much UA time are you getting every week?

This week not enough. Last week ... a lot. Our closet remodel plus we spent some of it watching our kid wrestle. His involvement lasts about 30 minutes total throughout the 4 to 8 hours we're getting splinters in our rears. Inbetween his matches we'd spend time just talking ... about whatever. Most of the other parents aren't even sitting next to each other. Fools.

I'd say last week it was pushing 22 hours or so. This week ... probably only about 6 so far.

As of yesterday we're going to have more time on our hands. Our oldest injured his knee in wrestling practice and he may be done for the season. HOpefully he's back in a couple of weeks. We're both bummed about that. Hard to watch him hurting and having to miss something he was really enjoying.

But UA is becoming problematic hence why I sent the RC email to her ... and brought up again after our last session with Dr. J Monday night ... which she didn't provide any response to.

See, I think you should spend all of your energy on getting the UA time and I will tell you why. Once you get consistent, her feelings will change. Dr Harley says it typically takes about 8 weeks of being consistent. [of course that is going to vary with every couple but it is an average]

I think she will be much more open to changes if she is in love with you.

Are you and your wife scheduling out the time for your week?

MrA, living with casual daily drinking bothered me, too, especially because there was a lot of alcoholism in the family, and I didn't want my kids growing up thinking daily drinking is "fine." Maybe it is for some folks but for families who have already been put through the wringer over and over again with other family members, let's give it a rest already.

Like for example some families like to do Civil War re-enactment stuff and that's great, but if a family just lost a kid in Iraq you would understand if the Dad said okay let's lay off the war stuff.

Mel,

Thanks for the thoughts. I will contemplate them while working to ensure we get our UA time in before I even consider communicating some of these other issues. Maybe I am a little ahead of the game and need to keep building us up before I try to hit too many of these.

My concern is letting the MB principals die especially now that we're sorta on our own again. I've got this sinking feeling that she is just sorta playing along with the MB principals because she knows it appeases me. Her actions or lack thereof are my indicators. I wish I had some way of knowing how much she buys into it. I commented to her Monday after we talked with Dr J. when she seemed (again) distracted during our session that I wasn't sure how much of the MB concepts, if any, she agrees with. I also told her how her actions during the call made me feel. She doesn't respond. Radio silence.

MrA, you are going to think I sure am free with your money, but do you remember me saying I thought it would take a 2 prong approach to keep you rascals in line? On the online program, you get weekly lessons and have to complete a survey to make sure you have done it. If you have not done it, your coach contacts you. [and you can also contact her and/or Dr Harley when need be] This is done on a weekly basis so it is harder to skip lessons. And if your spouse is lollygagging around and won't respond to the coach, then Dr Harley will sometimes step in.

You guys are going to need every bit of help available, IMO.

But I also think that if you can use all your might to push the UA time on a consistent basis that you will get the results you want. I don't have a tough time getting my needs met OR getting my DH to quit annoying behavior because we are in love. We are both very open to suggestions and are motivated to continually improve. The UA time will get you to that place if you are doing a great job of effectively meeting each others needs.

Does she like any type of exercise at all? Lifting weights, biking, rowing, P90x? Maybe you could get her try a Crossfit and the two of you could train together?

Here's a cool suggestion. Check out this website www.fitstream.com . They have any and every kind of workout/training setup you can imagine. Want a 10 minute bodyweight workout? How about 20 minute kettlebell and resistance band workout? Maybe you feel like just hitting some biceps and triceps for 15 minutes? Or follow the 40 minute burpee workout. There's a small monthly subscription fee but it's definitely worth it.

If one of the mods will allow us to exchange email addresses, I have a ton of recipes that I have on my dropbox account that I could email you the link to. Everything from breakfasts to beef dishes to desserts to side dishes to dressings to desserts (I noticed you said she likes to eat a lot of sweets). The recipes have pictures, ingredients, cooking instructions, and the meals are broken down into calories, protein, carbs, fat, fiber, etc

It's important to get that diet in check. What and how we eat has the biggest impact on our physique.

I don't know man. I don't have a lot of sympathy for people that complain about issues they create for themselves. In this case your wife is eating in a manner which leads to the results she doesn't want and then gets angry at the results. One of my seniors decided he didn't have the time to get his oil changed in his car. Well, one day that engine blew and he was without a car and complained about having to ride the bus and not having a car. I remember when I was in my early 20s and I was mad that I had to wear a seatbelt. So I started refusing to wear one. And I continually got pulled over and ticketed for not wearing a seat belt. Of course I complained about all the money I was spending on tickets. A funny thing happened when I decided to wear my seat belt--I didn't have to complain about the cost of tickets.

Although it might not fly, when she complains about how she looks or what not, tell her you're sorry she's unhappy with the way she looks and what would be necessary to not be unhappy about her body.

The issue with alcohol and body fat isn't the alcohol by itself but when combined with food. The body will burn the alcohol calories first which depending on amount can take a long time and the calories from the food accumulate without being digested. Check out Lyle MacDonald over at www.bodyrecomposition.com for a much more detailed breakdown. If you like nutritional biochemistry as much as I do, you'll love the site.

He sounds like my kind of guy! Here is what I read about him on another website:

... and so begins the debate between her and I. Just how far do we need to go to make this a great marriage? She'll say if I can just be happy she'll be happy. A status quo kind of mentality. Me? I like working on myself and working on this M. So if it�s going to keep getting better I believe I'll have to do the pushing � which is hard to do as a conflict avoider. More hemming and hawing from Mr.Alias.

I am certainly happier now that she�s meeting my needs and fairly consistently too. Why it was so hard to before is beyond me. It�s not like I�m doing a whole lot more or a whole lot less than I was all those years before. My mind will drift off on the why(s) but maybe it�s best to leave that be.

Is it possible she needs less (less security, less PORH, less POJA) to be happy and feel gushy in-love? And that, for her, this program is a lot of work for my benefit only?

I do know, now that she�s participated and read all the material, I�m in a much better position (confidence-wise) in being able to approach her and be more open and honest. Until she tells me she doesn�t buy into it I�ll approach it like she does.

I don�t want to do this sloppy or halfa$$-ish but I don�t want to become a pain to her either. Do we need to be MB experts and follow it to the letter to have a sustainable, romantic marriage? I wish I knew. She keeps meeting my needs maybe that is all I need.

I do know right now I�m happy and I definitely am in love with her � but I�m not falling down drunk with romantic love either. I�m guessing most of that has to do with just how our counseling and subsequent lack of committed effort I saw out of her went. I�m feeling a little perturbed about that.

YES!! And that is my point.

She will not be meeting your needs for long if she is not in love. That is why you need to drive this ship all the way home. Saying that she is happy because you are happy is NOT ROMANTIC LOVE.

Romantic love would cause her to be highly motivated to meet your needs on a continual basis. THAT is what you should strive for. Otherwise, all this good stuff is going to taper right off after awhile and pretty soon you will be back where you were 2 years ago.


She needs less because she is not in love. She is happy, sure. But that is not the goal here. The goal is to have a happy, romantic marriage that is created by developing habits will SUSTAIN that marriage.

You both have not developed those habits yet, hence your trouble getting her motivated.

My thoughts were for you to get motivated via coaching and then learn and implement the program via a more regimented, hands on program like the online program. IMO, you guys are not disciplined or motivated enough to do that on your own. You need every bit of coaching and direction you can get.

Thanks for the reply Kilted.

The whole working out thing is something I've learned to avoid. I've spent thousands of dollars on equipment because she felt it was going to be the right thing for her. Bottom line she just isn't disciplined enough or motivated enough to stick with anything.

She doesn't like people telling her what to do and so I don't push. She likes to decide what she wants to do on her own and away she goes only to stop a short time after getting started.

She has often said she is jealous that I am very determined. When I set my mind to something I generally do a good job of continuing to get the results I wanted. I used a variety of lame diet and eating plans by myself to lose the weight (low fat, low carb (South Beach), Medifast). All worked well but then not really because they weren�t things I could or should stick with long term. Nor could I continue to do it alone. It was far too dysfunctional for our family and she wasn�t on board.

So as you can see I am very excited that we�re now following recipes from some Marlene Koch cookbooks together. Everyone eats what I eat. It is going well although the holidays set me back a bit. I dropped about 9 pounds the first 4 weeks or so.

I, too, don�t have a lot of sympathy for my W when it comes to her issues regarding her weight. But that doesn�t change the facts that she feels the need to complain all the while she�s wrecking the plan set forth by us together. It makes it difficult to not throw things back in her face so to speak. As far as telling her I�m sorry she isn�t happy well I have done that. And I have mentioned I�m having success while she�s not but we�re not eating the same things 24x7 � but just the one time.

She has no interest in me being her accountability partner. Nor does she want one � at least not yet.

The need for an email seemed necessary given what this situation is doing to us.

Anyways thanks for the suggestions. I don�t want to come here and just vent so the fact I�m getting some ideas on what to try swing my vents into requests for help.

Mel. I agree with you 100%.

In order for us to get there I'll have to let her know what she's doing and what we're doing right now isn't complete ... it isn't enough.

Every ounce of my being wants to avoid the conflict especially when it's going well. I picture the conversation with her and I can see the puzzled look on her face. This is based on how she responded to Dr J.s tutelage.

I am not saying I won't. I just need time to let it soak in with me and to build a sound reasoning that would resonate with her should I explain why I feel it necessary.

Please keep reminding me as I'm sure I'll be back with more venting. It's my favorite passtime.

Thanks for the advice and feedback ... again.

I have come to the conclusion that most people are like that. I know I am!! I could never stick to an exercise routine or diet until I found ones I liked. For ME, I get so much enjoyment out of the old The Firm workouts that I got into the habit of working out. Maybe she just needs to find a workout routine that she really enjoys?

I tend to stick to things that have the greatest return on my investment. And what I mean by that is that I have to get paid for my investment. With those workouts they promised to see a difference in 10 workouts. And i did see that. I could see that there were no wasted moves versus many of the workouts that contain alot of superfluous flopping around. And I just LOATHE jogging because it is so boring to me.

As far as a healthy diet goes, the only one that really paid off for me was a low carb diet. They are the easiest to lose and maintain the weight loss on. For example, when I went on it, I lost 40 pounds in 4 months. That was the hook for me.

My point in all this is that maybe she needs to see an immediate payoff to get and stay interested in a new program? Which is one of the reasons I was suggesting really pushing the UA time. If you can get that nailed down, then she will be in love sooner and will be more motivated to do the lessons.

I agree.

How disappointing that she could have seen an immediate payoff with this new eating plan (low carb, low sugar, good fats, etc) as she sabatoges it with other bad habits. I am not giving up that this is going to work for her too. The meals are fabulous.

I will give her credit she sure is diligent in her efforts to search for something that will work. I wish I could write the quote she says of what plays in her head when she�s trying to be determined. It sounds like a struggle within herself. Like the saboteur is herself but she can�t be blamed for herself well because someone (the author of the cookbook) is telling her what to do. Huh? She makes me chuckle sometimes.

I will get back on the pushing of UA time. Tonight we�ll have that aged cheese and a glass of wine (enabler that I am) together. I�ll put down the book I�m reading to help her complete her painting project in our mudroom. Mostly I�ll just insist we be together and not go off on our own like we�ve done the last two nights. Tonight we�ll probably only get 2 hours but that�s better than zero.

A corney invitation to a wine and cheese tasting was just sent. Corn Ball that I am.
Her response: LOL. I would love to attend.

For me, it was finally understanding that my health was a love buster for my husband.. I never thought about it withdrawing love units. So at first, I ate better and worked out ONLY because I didn't want to make any withdrawals. I was working my butt off to make deposits, hoping he would do the same... But a couple of months into it, I felt so much better that when he did something that upset me and I was tempted to buy those sugary treats at the bakery to make me feel better, I didn't... Because I wanted to be good to me!!! I wouldn't be punishing him, I would be punishing myself. I don't feel good after eating that stuff ( well, I do at first then don't later). So now I do it because I like the way I look and feel.. Praying your wife finds the same kind of motivation. ( though hubby's positive comments certainly help!(

Nice!

Do you send her flirty texts? My DH sends me flirty texts all day and it is soo endearing. I wonder if she would enjoy that?

That is EXACTLY why I avoid sugar like the plague! It makes me feel like holy hell, which is enough motivation for me! I discovered this several years ago when I gave up sugar. I was going to "reward" myself with some carrot cake on a visit to Las Vegas. I hadn't had sugar in 3 months. I ended up in bed that night feeling horrible! So I am very motivated to avoid sugar.

One of her EN requests is that I send a check-in text to her each morning during the work week. So I usually send something endearing. Occasionally flirty but mostly either caring or humorous. I love to make her laugh. She likes to laugh.

We text a lot about a lot of different things throughout the day.