At the studio I work at as a fitness (personal) trainer and nutritional consultant, the clients are like this. They have absolutely no motivation and discipline to do it on their own. So they pay A LOT of money to be told what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how long to do it. Essentially it's coaching. Good coaches are worth the investment because they get results. We had a biggest loser Oklahoma last year. Three of my clients competed in it. They placed 1st, 2nd, and 3rd

Wow, that is great! Congratulations!!

Thanks! It wasn't easy. The competitors put in a lot of effort and dedication. Self-improvement is often an uncomfortable endeavor.

I would like if if she was willing to sign up for a coach. She�s often suggested I go do it but says she�s not interested when I ask that we get one together or at least she should have one too. Lots of excuses, we don�t have the money, she doesn�t have enough time and the big one �I simply do not like people pushing me , telling me what I need to do.�. I am so tired of hearing that one. Especially after what I saw in our counseling with Dr. J.

I don�t think physical fitness is that important to her. She wants to be thin, look good, but does not want to do the work it takes to get there. Example: For Xmas on her list she put down a gift cert for a body wrap at her frequented tanning salon. Evidently these wraps make you sweat while you lay there � and they�re supposed to help you slim down. That�s more her style. Less physical exertion but oddly enough something where you sweat. She got that cert for Xmas. Has yet to use it although she tried once and they were booked up.

Now I say that but there have been times like this fall where she tried to go walk every day. So she will exert herself. She even involved the kids �We�re getting out of the house and making the loop around the development every day .�. She did it for 3 or 4 days then stopped. Despite my encouragement she just does not remain determined. I cannot join her there as walking/running is difficult/painful (planter fasciitis 8 years and still going � sigh). This foot defect really ticks me off because walking is something she likes to do and if I were to ask her to come along every day I suspect she would. Add to it I�ve spent 8 years on and off in tons of different therapies and countless arch supports, etc and it is still there. Grrrrrrrrr. I am trying to rack my brain on something we could both do and enjoy and stick with it. I�ve asked her about doing some other things she enjoys � like joining her in a yoga class � but she just doesn�t seem interested.

BTW I do need to get back working out. I am so on and off with that. I�ll stick to it for 6 months or longer and then something will happen and I�ll stop. This latest time my back spasm�d again. Another one of my long term issues with some lower vertebrae. I am only doing some goofy little exercises right now to strengthen my lower back. So I need to do more and set a good example � although that hasn�t helped her in the past.

I have to avoid educating her. It evidently is an LB for her � I guess. She�s never said so directly. Talking about issues and not doing that is difficult for me to do so I usually just butt out. I�m not sure me avoiding educating her is working for us � as it seems she needs more that just encouragement to get motivated and stay motivated. I suspect if we were to hire you, kilted, you�d see her for about a week, maybe two and then that would be it.

If you guys could help me find a way to help her stay determined you would be my new best friends.

I think I�m going to ask her in my morning text if she�d like to discuss and brainstorm ideas for being more physically active. I hate to sell the equipment we�ve got because I really enjoy using it. The idea of a gym isn�t enticing to me. I do not like having to leave home to work out and usually that deters me from going. Also I don�t enjoy having other people watch me work out. Too many distractions. Private training is really expensive. I may be more inclined to sell it and use it to pay for a gym if I knew she'd be committed to it. Otherwise I may end up with nothing changing except I no longer have the home gym.

Have you ever tried Birkenstocks? They saved my life when I had a foot condition (since repaired) and more recently my brother got them after a horrible blood clot nearly cost him his foot (thank you British NHS). Even my wonderful foot doctor's inserts were not able to get me walking without pain but with these I was able to walk all day.

I got the fabric clogs, my brother got the sandal type. Because the size really matters, get them fitted by a professional the first time, later you can buy on line. You may even need a Birkie insert on top of the sole. Just tell them what your problem is and they will solve it - I promise!

What if you got a home workout DVD and asked her to join you? I have about 100 workout DVDs and my own home gym and I love working out at home. What keeps me motivated is an enjoyable, targeted workout that gives me fast results. [without alot of superfluous flopping around]

I use free weights, bar bells, steps, resistance bands [that might be good for you!], and whatnot, and I get a really good workout. I joined a gym one time and the workouts I was doing there were tame in comparison. [the PT helped me tremendously with my form]

The tapes that have kept me motivated all these years [and there is a whole cult following of us] are The Firm workouts, particularly the older tapes. You could get a couple off ebay for cheap and see if you like them. If you like them, you can invite her to join you.

Those workouts really got me interested in working out. I have pretty much stuck to them for 15 years now.

The workouts I am referencing are either weight lifting or cardio or a combination of both. in your case, it sounds like you need to stay away from cardio because of your foot. But can you do weight lifting?

Alias, have you been to see a sports medicine doctor? And specifically one that has experience in dealing with athletic recovery? Plantar fasciatis is definitely treatable but you have to find the right doctor to tackle the issue.

Go sign up for the streamfit.com site. I think it offers a trail period so you can see if you like it. What's nice about the site is you can do the workouts from home. They have everything from 10 min quick metabolic burn to 15 min no equipment needed bodyweight cardio to 60 min kettlebell to 28 day transformation programs. You pick which workouts you want to do that day based on what equipment you have access to. They have male trainers and female trainers. They're excellent and motivating. I personally give it my stamp of approval (and that says a lot). Another thing that's nice about it is it takes the thinking aspect out of figuring out things/setups and let's say you only have 15 min to spare for the day, no problem...pull up the site and find a 10-15 min workout and done!

Honestly, I hate cardio. Almost all of my cardio is done by playing indoor soccer. The exception to my dislike for cardio is the rowing machine which I absolutely love. One of my favorite quick workouts is to do pullups to failure, weighted dips that get me in the 8-12 rep range, 10 box jumps, row 200 meters. Do that 3-4 times and call it a day and you're done in about 15 min. When I do my physique contests, cardio does become a necessary evil to get to that 5-6% bodyfat level.

Here's another thing about cardio--cardio is about getting the heart rate up to a certain point for a certain amount of time. We're supposed to hit that magical 'fat burning zone'. Unfortunately no one really knows where that zone is. Is it at 40 minutes, 30 minutes, 60 minutes? And when you're done, you're done with burning calories. Now, go spend that amount of time getting your heart rate up just the same by using high intensive circuits using low impact plyometric movements and weights (or slam balls/resistance bands/sleds/etc). What happens is you burn overall calories, your metabolism goes sky high, and you continue to burn a greater amount of calories for up to a 48 hour period. Richard Simmons did a ton of cardio and he looked terrible.

When I train clients, I tend to use a lot of timed intervals with 2-4 exercises grouped. So, I might take Joe and have him work 30 seconds on, 15 seconds off and do kettlebell swings and dumbbell curl and press and then mountain climbers. Repeat this two more times. Then we move onto 40 seconds on, 20 seconds off and rotate between dumbbell step ups, kettlebell goblet box squat, and low box burpees with plank jacks. Repeat that one or two more times. Stuff like that keeps it fast paced but not too crazy that it's overwhelming. And for a session like that, I need four dumbbells, a kettle bell, and a step up box. And, really, one of the dumbbells can be used in place of the kettlebell. And a chair or the couch can be used in place of a low step box.

I don't mean to brag but I am good at this. The problem with personal trainers a lot of times is that they are not good coaches and motivators and they're not creative or able to think out of the box. The studio I work at is a bit different. We only do 1 on 1s or small group training which is 2-4 people. Everything is done by appointment. We have the training area divided into four separated rooms. Since the rooms are seperated by walls, it gives the client and their trainer a private area. There are three of those and then a larger room for the pack training (small groups).

This is exactly what I have been reading about in my fitness/nutrition blogs and I recently bought some low impact circuit training workouts from Cathe. They are so much fun! I am not a big believer in cardio myself, but for ME I have learned it is essential for glucose metabolism because I was leaning towards pre-diabetic type 11.


That sounds very interesting and I know I will check into that too! Sorry to highjack your thread, MrA, but KT is speaking my language here!

I feel like I am getting to an age where I really want to stay fit but I don't want to do something stupid to my body. It seems that some of my workouts leave me crippled for several days so I am veering to the shorter, less intense workouts.

Is that site just for GUYS?

Plantar Fascitiis.

Have I tried Birkenstocks? No. For 8 years I have been using custom orthotics created for me by a podiatrist. Priority #1. I move them to whatever pair of shoes I�m wearing (except my atheletic shoes)

In the 8 years I have tried walking in the earlier years as a daily exercise hoping it would help but it only exasperated the condition. To this day I stretch each day to lengthen the Achilles and calf muscles in my leg (that tendon goes from the ball of your foot to your knee.) Doing the stretches makes a difference as far as daily comfort but doesn�t erase the condition. I also try to avoid doing much of anything without some type of shoe on unless it�s sitting, laying down.

I have seen therapists that have done the following:

Simple foot massage
Ultrasound treatments that infuse a steroid cream into the foot
Active Release Technique
Graston Technique

Both of those last 2 treatments gave me the best results (although they can be quite painful) but neither completely resolved the issue. The podiatrist has stated that this injury is a self healing injury. Eventually through the destruction and reconstruction of the tissues (microfiber tendons now become bone where they tear) the distance between the connected areas the fascia needs will eventually become adequate. The length of the troubles he said varies in patients from a few months to as long as 20 years.

It is better now than it was 8 years ago but it is still burdensome enough that I don�t push it. If I have to stand in one place for awhile � 30 minutes or more then I start to feel like I�m on needles. If I try to run or walk they get so sore I spend quite of bit of time just staying off them. I have a desk job which helps � but also may hinder.

Interesting. We have all of that equipment (except a full set of free weights as we have the home gym) and I believe she has one or two of those The Firm workout DVDs. I know she�s got like 4 or 5 DVDs for workouts, yoga and something else ???? Just like everything else � one week or so and nothing more.

For me, my concern is that she look good and of course is healthy. She�s pretty active as far as doing chores and definitely gets a workout taking care of her horses. So while I think it would be great if she worked out I don�t think she�ll ever like it or do it. And while I may continue to make workout/exercise suggestions I won�t push.

I believe that is why I was more concerned or focused on what she eats that sabatoges the healthy eating plan we�re trying to follow versus working out.

I have been to therapists for my feet not a sports medicine doctor. However I have seen a sports med guy for an knee issue I have (chondromalacia) and recently went to a physical therapist to help with my lower back issue.

Whatever happened to my beautiful body? I have always been pretty active. In the earlier years I loved to play baseball and softball. I love to shoot hoops not play in a pickup game just shoot.

Once I hit 30 everything started going south. I had to give up playing softball because of a shoulder injury that took close to 18 years to heal. I think finally now that I�m close to 50 I can actually toss a ball around with little to no pain.

I still golf � a lot. But I no longer walk much as that can be damaging. Interestingly enough my golf shoes give good support and if I don�t walk I�m OK afterwards.

I have a routine for a workout all laid out on my whiteboard in our exercise room. We have the home gym with an added leg press machine which can do about 30 different exercises. We have a pretty nice exercise bike that has great programming for getting in a varied exercise. I have a pull up bar and a dip station for doing hanging leg raises.

So I have a decent set up. The latest workout I was trying to use is a routine of about 20 different exercises all with light weight and high reps with 5 breaks of 5 minute cardio in between. I use the bike for the cardio. I haven�t started back again since my back flared up 3 months or so ago. But I'll get back to it soon enough. I always do.

Geesh I forgot to mention I got the planter fasciitis when I was using a tread mill I had purchased. I wanted to make sure I did it right and got a high quality machine and went to a specialty store for runners to get my running shoes. Pronate versus supinate. Got the right shoes but got shin splints so bad I couldn�t continue. The store gladly exchanged those for a more shock damage control shoe � which I think started my issues. They didn�t have enough arch support and so began the troubles �

I gotcha, and I agree. Diet will do more to control weight than exercise. The fun Firm workouts are the old volumes that came out in the 90's. They have recently transistioned to DVDs. Those are the ones I enjoy the most. But I agree with you that her diet is the biggest issue.

Absolutely not Mrs. Lane. They have a couple of female trainers. Every workout posted is geared towards any gender, age,or strength level.

Looking for some insight.

Brief recap of my history.

I came to MB almost 10 years ago to find a solution to a problem/conflict my W and I were having. Having more children. From that issue I continued on here and went to work on other parts of our M. Until recently we weren�t too successful but now after having seen Dr. Chalmers we�re moving forward being more open and honest. That�s helping us to work out our issues to find a winning solution. Slow progress but we�re moving nonetheless.

This weekend something was off with my W. Saturday she and my DD were attending our niece�s baby shower. My sis has two adult DDs and one delivered her first child in November and her 2nd DD is due end of March. This shower was for DD #2 of course.

I approached my W Saturday morning as she was definitely not in the best of moods on Friday and again Saturday. When asked what was wrong she said she�d been feeling bad, mad, upset and sad. She said she wished she could go back in time and do things over, do things differently. I asked what would she do differently. I think she went right to the truth and stated she was upset that she couldn�t have more children. For some reason she was triggered due to this shower but not the first one (not sure why she wasn�t after the first � maybe she was).

We talked about it for a while. Of course I explained to her my feelings of hopelessness as I�m totally unsure what to do in this situation. I let her know I was there. I gave her what comfort she�d accept (some warm hugs and empathy and wishes that this wasn�t so hard for her). She wasn�t angry with me but definitely unhappy.

So this issue continues to plague us and makes things difficult here�s why. The timing of this was hard. I�m still having to be the one to try to make the meeting of my #1 EN be a priority while it seems she�s more interested in other things (I could give examples but I�ll spare everyone). This feels like old times for me. Despite being asked in our sessions by Dr J to schedule our time for SF the schedule is never set. It seems she more comfortable not planning it � so I�m clueless when, if ever, it is going to happen until it happens. I�m OK with that so long as it actually happens and have found that if I hint around the subject it usually does � eventually happen.

She�s been given what I would want specifically for meeting that need and we�re not hitting the mark. It�s closer than it ever has been but still it�s falling short. So � on to this weekend and it�s already been over two weeks of waiting and this comes up (which I understand and empathize). She�s too upset to take care of my needs but then I�m the one who misses out on Need meeting. And round and round we go.

So we discussed this a bit but I didn�t want to beat on her when she was feeling down. I mentioned that I thought one of the things that could help her is if she had something else to fill the void (somewhat) of what she�s missing out on. I thought if we could find more fun things to do, more things she could be excited about and happy in doing that maybe this other would hurt less. She listened but didn�t really answer my suggestion.

I think she�d rather just let the feeling subside and then try to move on � which is probably what will happen and may be best because it is something she has to work out but meanwhile � I am triggered and sad.

I let her know I was saddened this morning and she was honest in why it didn�t happen. So, hey, we�re being more open and honest . Maybe that�s all I can hope for and that this thing that gets in our way will pop up now and then.

I�m not sure where we�d end up if we tried to negotiate this.

Meanwhile she says she�s going to get in with the Dr and discuss this and her anxieties and her prescription.

MrA, why are you not sitting down once a week and scheduling your UA time? That is the grease that makes this all work. You do understand this program does not work without the UA time? She is NEVER going to feel like meeting your ENs if hers are not met during UA time. We sit down every Sunday afternoon and schedule out the next week. Once you get into the habit, it is old hat. Do you have babysitters? Are you going out on your dates?

And SF should be scheduled just Dr Harley describes in How to get the sex you want in marriage. It should be an EVENT, not a one-off.

Do you have template of the UA schedule?

We don't have a schedule. No I haven't used the UA schedule. Dr J never brought it up in counseling. I think she figured we did OK in that area based on what we told her. Her and I do discuss what our week looks like and especially have talked about weekend plans well in advance.

<rhetorical>Should we use these Schedules?
I'd have to make this a requirement for us ...which means me pushing on her and her being resistant or ignoring what I ask� again. This is evident by everything that�s happened (even since talking with Dr J). She finally did mention the email I sent her over two weeks ago (that I mentioned to her several times since) regarding RC time and finding things to do that we�d like. Her response seems to be she�s only interested in doing the ones we already do. Ahem. Partying, shopping, dinner dates, movies, games with kids, etc. She�s not interested in going through the list together. Sigh.

So do I want to bring up another document that we should look at? Not really.

All of this brings me to where I�m at today. She wants things to be better but she doesn�t want to do much to change the dynamics. She attended counseling with Dr J to appease me. I feel somewhat of a fool.

Now she�s being more open and she sometimes makes attempts at UA time but she did very little of the things that required work that Dr J assigned us. The things she did were because we had to do them together before our next session and I was the catalyst for them getting done. If I ignored some homework she�d just let it slide.

A UA schedule? Pfft. I can already hear her silence at the suggestion. I can tell she doesn�t like having assignments as part of M.


I�m not sure that�s really the issue. I�ve certainly been working on this, making sure it�s happening. My Taker is starting to scream a little because I feel I�m been hitting the mark on much of her ENs.

The rest of this is just a rant so read at your discretion.

Her ENs. (Some met during UA time. Others outside of it).
Conversation. Yep doing that throughout the day. Sometimes I have to go find her so she can get her EN filled. We text throughout the day when we�re apart. She only asked for one text as a check-in a day during the work week as a minimum I usually send a few.
Admiration. I send her little tidbits at least 3 times a week. I could do better with this in regards to her appearance. I�m letting my feelings towards some of her behavior in taking care of her body get in the way of complimenting her looks. I�m not sure how to do that without it feeling like a lie.
Domestic Support � I cook nearly every meal nowadays. Saturday I spend 3 hours cleaning while she was at the shower. Friday, Saturday and Sunday did several loads of laundry each day.
Openness and Honesty. I�m making strides here. Being careful not to simply blurt out every thought I have as sometimes some of them aren�t good. ;-)
Affection. She didn�t list this but she has made comments about being disappointed that I don�t wake her in the morning before I leave to say good bye and say I love you. So I�ve been doing that for months now.
My ENs
SF � sporadic. Better but still far below the consistency I�d like.
Affection � Until this weekend she�s done well meeting this need.
Attractive Spouse � She always dresses nice and cares for her looks (makeup, etc). However for physical fitness and body I�d like her to change some behaviors. I�m making healthy dinners yet she continues to drink every day, make baked goods, etc and eats other things that diminish the eating plan. I need to broach this subject with her � again.
DS � Sigh. She�s diligent about some things yet others, like our bedroom, are bothersome for me.
O&H � She�s doing much better in this area but there is still room for improvement. She still is holding things in.

UA Time.
Our kids are old enough .. .they stay home alone� so no need for a sitter. When we are at home we also can get in quite a bit of UA time as the kids normally go off and do their own thing once we�ve got chores and homework done.

So how are we doing with UA time? We go in spurts. Week before last it wasn�t good. This last week it was good.

We always get in a few hours each week when we get home from work we talk. Ask about each other�s day, start getting dinner ready and the table set, etc. We chat during dinner.

This weekend her and I went out on date Friday (a long dinner at a new restaurant and then a movie) then back home to work on a jigsaw puzzle and have a nightcap (6 hours counting the 2 hour movie of course).

Saturday night after the shower we hung out and had fun with the kids. This is where the lack of things being scheduled are problematic. It�s where I took issue. We played board games and watched a movie together. By the time the movie was over it was late. To my disappointment she was obvious there wasn�t going to be any UA time or SF time. She admitted yesterday she isn�t in the mood because of her sadness.

Sunday her and I went clothes shopping, made dinner together, sat down to plan for a trip we�re taking in Feb. (5 hours)

Monday morning I sent her a text letting her know I was saddened that there was no time for intimacy over the weekend. She explained she was in no mood for SF due to her sadness surrounding her loss of what she wish she had. This will continue for I�d say another week or so. So I can forget getting my needs met. Despite me continuing to do all the things I was asked to do in meeting her needs.

Last night we took the kids out to celebrate our freshman's completion of finals at high school (He�s still getting straight As). Last night was a good example of where I�d like the dynamic to change � or I, at least, need to understand how I�m supposed to behave. We enjoyed ourselves while in the restaurant but as soon as we�re in the car making the, evidentially dreaded, car ride home her behavior changed. She was no longer talkative. When we got home she treated me like I didn�t exist, etc. I asked if she�d like to do something together. �Well I want to do this and want to do that.� None of it was UA related stuff but I made some attempts to help her so we could be together. She and DD were doing some straightening in her room. I put in new shelving in DD�s closet last week. So now I�m trying to help with the straightening but she made me feel unwelcome and like I was in the way so I just left them alone. Of course she�s hardly speaking to me so I�ve no idea what the hell is going on. Sometime later I said goodnight and went to bed knowing another night passes and I can just forget about any needs I have.

The DJ side of me says it�s her way of getting what she wants � that I go away and have no expectation of SF. She�s admitted she isn�t in the mood.
The respectful side of me understands she�s sad and tries to give her space.

What is the sadness about?

Is she drinking alcohol and eating sugary things as a coping mechanism?

I was wondering the same thing. Wondering if the alcohol is not allowing her to work on your marriage. I really don't have any advice. Hoping Melody and other vets can chime in. Just praying..