Here.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Is there no one who believes this can be recovered? As far as im aware he has only had this encounter in a 15 year relationship. My childen do see him as a father figure and he has supported me in lots of other areas in my life......... I have asked him to come on here and he may post but i dont know

There is nothing here to save. Sorry.

Read the MB book Buyers Renters Freeloaders ..... You will learn the answer rather than have the answer told to you. Much better.

Best of luck in the future.
When it comes to men, there is some advice I learned from my friend and humor writer, Jill Conner Browne (THE Sweet Potato Queen)....

"BE PARTICULAR"

Can we make this a notable post? There are so few people who know how to do this.

If you are planning to take him back anyway why are you asking for advice? That is the vibe I get from your posts.

There is no changing such a man.

You are not living a healthy life.
Getting out of this TOXIC relationship is NEEDED as a first step to a better life.

karmasrose i havent got any plans for anything at the moment. I found this site and read a lot of posts in the surviving an affair, where people had recovered from serial affairs. As far as i believe this has been the only time my partner has had sex outside of our relationship in 15years which i consider to be a committed relationship up to now, we just never got married my choice (but i suppose some would say no committment there.) Im just trying to work through it all. Wish i had found this site years ago. Jedi Knight im working may way through all the advice and reading that i can so that this time the decision is a lasting one and we dont drift back together if its not the right thing to do. But many thanks for your input

BC, i can imagine how this may be hard for you. all things are possible though.
if you are not a christian, i strongly you find your way to a good church ASAP ! i meant that BC. if you are one too, then you need to speak with your counselors at church to help you through.
working with them may be a little easier. if even you want to save this relationship (which is possible), you need the help of God and counselors, trust me. and if you are to move on too, you still need the help of God and counselors. so you see, the same point. find your way to the CHURCH and your counselors.

though i can see he may have spent on you some way, but the frustration and pain you may entangle yourself too without using the or getting the appropriate help would not match whatever he has spent on you.

we are all saying the same thing here, matters of the heart are not easy to let go. but iam sure with the suggested help things would be relatively easier.

wish you well, lets know how things are turning out.

Thank you for you advice kikiman, im working my way through the boards. I wish i had found this site many years ago as our relationship has been troubled financially,and committment wise too. The freeloaders article was an eye opener. When we got together i had my own house which was on a mortgage but my other half was reluctant to join the financial committment even though i gave him what he can now see as a brilliant deal but that at the time caused lots of issues re committment etc. Whatever happened we always seemed to find our way back to each other but this time i feel as lots have already said that there is nothing to save. Ive realised that my partner has no boundaries for himself but put constraints on me. He even downloaded a tracking device to my phone. Think that is his own guilt reflecting onto me though. We are still living in the same house at the moment and he came to give me a hug the other day even though i said that i didnt want one and it shocked us both the way i reacted i just wanted to run and he said it was like a bolt of electricity throwing him away from me. So thats where im at at the moment. (dark foggy place) i just cant see a way back from all the hurt and cant imagine hugging him never mind anything more intimate.

So you own the house? Why can't you get him out and have the locks changed?

brainhurts, yes i own the house, we bought another one together two years ago and rent it out at the moment. I thought this would a) keep the capital in my house for my children when i die and b) give my partner some financial stability of his own. Something which has always been an issue. In the past when things have gone wrong never to my knowledge being sex outside of the relationship ive acted first by throwing him out and thinking later, and we always drifted back together. UNTIL this time. It seems futile because i cant see a way back for us this time but i just wanted to explose every avenue

So what is your plan? Do you want to keep living like this?

No brainhurts i dont want to continue living like this. im doing all the reading and making sure that what my head is telling me is the right decision to make. tbh i was quite shocked by some of the replies that i got. But reading back through them if i was one of my friends and this was happening to them i would be telling them to get out too. previous post i meant explore not explose by the way. Maybe im looking for the miracle answer to my problem but the answer is already there.

so here i am again. To progress with any kind of recovery am i right in believing that you have to start and meet the wrong doers needs? Generally mens 1st need is sexual (or the one that gets the most love bank deposits) How on earth when someone has cheated on you do you go back there? Is there anyone who has done so and made it back? I cannot imagine being intimate again with this man. He on the other had believes if he keeps his head down tidies up a bit and makes cups of coffee things will get better.

He failed the interview. Why would you consider him for the job?



He on the other hand finds it very pleasant to get his needs met by you as well as by any other skank who happens to be passing by whilst making not a shred of effort himself. That's why he failed the interview.

thank you for your input living well.

i passed the interview....
unfortunatley over the years we have had our problems and not totally resolved some aspects of our relationship...yes i cheated..i was wrong and ultimatley my partner will decide wether our relationship carries on...and if she decides its over then ill have to live with my mistake.this was the worst life choice ive ever made...and im sorry for the hurt i have brought upon my partner...sorry..

dumb, how can this: be passing the interview? you have been trolling for women on a dating site and have had sex with another. this is not even in the ballpark of passing the interview!

also, you need to start your own thread if you want help.

bikerchick - if you are choosing to try and restore your relationship, you have to follow the very narrow path of recovery, which has specific steps for beginning. you cannot restore a relationship where the WS has not met conditions for the relationship to move forward (and why would you?). however, since you are not married, i do not know why you wouldn't cut your losses at this point. if he behaves like this before M, he has indeed "failed the interview" and is not M material. you really do have options to consider. there is life outside this relationship, and you can find a more suitable partner.

if you haven't already, please read discussion on buyers, renters and freeloaders, when to call it quits and steps to recovery (make sure you click the "can't we just forgive and forget? link in this post) and choosing the right one to marry.

come back and tell us what you think about these ideas.

Thanks letty ive been glued to this site since finding it and read all the links you have posted......I wish i had found this site five or six years ago and we probably wouldnt be in this mess. My partner (dumb) must be reading though not sure if just skimming over the parts as he wasnt sure what the interview was. He is willing to work on our relationship whatever it takes but when i want to talk about what has happened he thinks im trying to catch him out which makes me think there was more to things than i first thought though i did lots of snooping and found their chat so feel im well informed and to be honest how can there be anything more.. Anal sex is abhorrent to me but something he has always wanted to do and if we had undertaken the joing agreement this would never have happened but then looking at his needs her needs thats one need i could never meet. So back at stale mate yet again. We never got married mostly down to me as i had been in an abusive marriage for 11 years. Ive also read freeloaders renters and can see faults on both sides of that one too. Just cant move on from how i feel about the sex which i believe was just the once but one time too many.