For us to spend as much time as possible together..shooting for the 15 hours.

For me to fill his EN.

To be radically honest about how he is filling my EN which btw has been SO much better!!!! As I mentioned after the huge talk after my letter, he asked me out and planned a date each week even a really busy week when he caught a bug and felt lousy. Then we had this vacation. He texts me and tells me how much he loves me all the time. He will stop in the middle of his chores and give me a HUGE hug and kiss. Sex has been wonderful and slower..and more often. If any of this should wane, I will calmly ask him to reinstate it and that I need it.

To address all love busters immediately. He hasn't nitpicked since that day before the vacation, but if he does then I will say so. Tomorrow I will ask for your help for a love buster that I committed on the vacation. He didn't say anything, but I know it bugged him.

To be radically honest about how I feel. Which right now is GREAT!!! I actually slept through the night for all but one night over the last 2 weeks... I cannot remember a time when I have slept that well. ( Long before kids.) Most of the time I go to bed at 9 or 10 and then wake up at 2 or 3 and then just go ahead and get up.. He joked this morning that he can't believe he has been waking up with me being beside him again.. I feel so much better. I've kept up the exercise and only gained 1 pound over the holidays/vacation which I think is a HUGE victory!!!!

This week UA time will be hard. He is on county call today and this weekend. Next week will be much better and I already have a date planned. The boys will be at a youth disciple now weekend and I'm working on making arrangements for our daughter to spend the night somewhere else at least one night that weekend. There is an RV show in town and so I thought we would go and dream about our retirement rv..

I know that one of the things that drives hubby crazy is when I get flustered.. I don't know how to fix it. Here is an example of it from our vacation:

We had an hour and twenty minute layover between our flights home. However, our first flight was delayed and we ended up with 30 minutes. We had to change terminals as we went from a big jet to a commuter jet. I kept inwardly telling myself that it was ok.. If we missed it, we would wait for the next one. We are all together, it doesn't matter. At the same time there are only 3 flights a day to our home airport ( one gate, very small) so there might not have been room for the 5 of us on the next flight. Plus, our friends who were taking care of our dogs had a problem. It was stormy and 2 out of the 3 dogs ran inside and they couldn't get them out of my son's room. ( They were growling at them.) So they shut them in there.. they were stuck in there for about 24 hours before another friend of mine got them out.. So they had pooped, peed and chewed things in my 17yo's room.... I really wanted to see what the damage was. Plus our new roof leaked while we were gone and though the company supposedly fixed it again ( turns out they didn't) it had rained a bunch, so I wanted to get home and make sure it was ok..

So I am trying hard not to get uptight, but I am.. I am deep breathing and telling myself to be calm. We are running through the airport and get on the tram that takes you to the next terminal and my daughter is a little behind us and I yell at her to hurry up.. Hubby looks at me and says, "It is ok." Middle son is saying, "Good grief, mom, she's right there. Calm down." Hubby gives him a look to be quiet. He hates a scene and I know that my reaction caused one. But that was it.

Now, that is all he said. He never said anything else or brought it up. Yet, I know that this is a major love buster for him. He can't stand it when I get like that. For me, though it was rather mild. Before this I would have been muttering on the plane about how we were going to miss our flight, etc.

So I thought I might bring this up tonight and ask him how I can not do this in the future. Any ideas on how I can not get so panicked? Seriously, my heart pounds and races...

When you figure it out let me know as this is an issue I have with my W as well.

I read that and thought OMW that is Mrs. Alias.

I think many of us have that cracking under pressure behavior. I know I've been guilty of it occassionally. It's always hard to be cool under pressure.

I know my W has been taught those breathing exercises which helps her deal with her anxieties. It sounds like you do something similar.

TW,

I can relate to your airport experience, living near a tiny airport myself!

Have you talked about the incident since then with your husband? Maybe in his perception it is not as huge a lovebuster as you are perceiving it. Radical honesty might lead to a useful discussion?

My take on it (as a family doc dealing with anxiety A LOT, even though I don't have it myself) is that people are born with certain tendency toward anxiety, some a lot (you?) and some very little (your husband?). Kind of like being tall or short, you have a tendency that can be influenced by environment also. Sometimes I think the hardest part for anxious people is trying to pretend they are not.

Not sure if this is acceptable in TOS (feel free to delete if not), but I often recommend to my patients books by Russ Harris, particularly the Happiness Trap, which recommends accepting that you feel a certain way, yet controlling how you act on those feelings and learning to live in the present. In other words, not expecting yourself not to feel anxious. I think it would be considered compatible with Dr. Harley's philosophies.

I think in that instance at the airport , it would have meant allowing yourself to feel anxious, yet controlling the urge to yell at your daughter. Other options for anxiety of course, taking medication or seeing a counselor to learn more anxiety controlling techniques. But yours does not seem that bad?

As an aside, I do have memories of running through O'hare to catch a commuter plane, urging my 3 yo son to run, run, when all he wanted to do was sit down (or be carried). He is now 25 yo and loves to travel. No lasting bad effects.

hi tw. i'm just going to pass on something that helps me with travelling. i hate flying (scared chitless), and i'm very controlling (i like things scheduled all in advance and ready to go). neither of these things go with travelling.

so...when my dd was a little girl, i got into the habit of saying "we're on an adventure." i did it at first to help her not feel my stress. but then, it turned into kinda a mantra for me. whenever i travel now, i always think to myself: it doesn't matter what happens, because we're on an adventure. this really helps my mindset and alleviates my stress (ok, not all of it. still have to have 2 double vodkas and valium to get on the plane, but still!).

when i think "adventure," it doesn't seem to matter when things don't go the way they're supposed to when travelling. got tagged by the dog in customs - not to worry, part of the adventure! international plane 3 hours late and missed connecting flight - it's ok, it's part of the adventure!

it also helps me to prep for contingencies to alleviate potential stressers. going to have a long layover w/child in tow - took taxi to nearby amusement park for afternoon, then planned to eat at airport restaurant, have a good browse in duty-free, use all my leftover coins for the massage chairs.

long layover w/just husband, who doesn't like to read. ripped dvd of a tv show we both like to my tablet, brought headphones (we shared, nice & cosy), and we spent some time watching the episodes.

i *know* i'm going to be over on luggage, so instead of getting stressed over it, i budget for the cost of excess luggage and just ask for it directly when i check in (confronting problem head on w/solution = no stress).

my H is a real hothead. having two of us like that used to make travelling a bit of a hassle (/understatement). but my adventure attitude has helped not just alleviate my stress, but eases the hassles for him as well. i'm now a calming influence on him, rather than gas to the fire.

of course, the caveat is that my H doesn't nitpick. that is something you'll have to work on with your husband. i just wanted to let you know that you *can* change your thinking, and consequently, your reactions to issues when travelling. if i can do it, anyone can!

I like the adventure.. I'll have to try that. For our last mission trip, I had a good time because other people planned it and i just went where they told me to and trusted God to take care of the details. No one was relying on me. One thing that made this vacation so enjoyable is that over half of it we were with my sister in law's family and she was in charge. So it plans went wrong, it wasn't my fault!!!! And the second half was nice as well. In our talk, hubby told me that a lot of pressure was from me, but I don't think he realizes how his reactions affect me.. He will see it as no big deal, statement of fact. I take it as condemning... I will really try to point it out exactly when it happens like I did last time, so he can understand instead of keeping it bottled up.

As far as being prepared.. you are talking to the queen!!! For instance, hubby didn't understand why I had my and the kids' backpack stuffed full of snacks ( We'll just buy what we need there.) However, we flew on Christmas Eve and at 8pm for our connection almost all the airport fast food places were closed!!! I thought we were going to have the snacks I brought for dinner. However, he managed to find some sandwhiches somewhere so we did have dinner. But I am the one that is prepared for every single contingency!!!

tired ... are you sure you aren't Mrs. Alias in disguise?

I can remember talking to my sister whom we were going to go on a short little cabin run with her, my BIL and my family. Mrs. Alias was asking me to ask my sis all kinds of planning type questions.

My sister finally got tired and just said "OMW. That's way too much planning. We like to fly by the seat of our pants. It makes for a more enjoyable time.� Which is how I like to think of it � but not Mrs. Alias.

For my wife I�m sure most of this stems from her anxiety issues. Sometimes something as simple as a two day run to the upper part of the state becomes quite the ordeal. The difficult part for me becomes finding a way that I am still going to enjoy it while her fears/concerns are taken into account.

For me I always think � things have a way of working themselves out.
Her? Nope. We need a plan.

Your anxieties come from a fear of his potential disappointment. You need to POJA his responses / his reactions to these types of situations. Maybe it�s something as simple as him starting his statements with �It�s no big deal and I�m not upset. I do think we learned next time we need to �.�.

Yes, but isn't it funny.. In our marriage I'm the one that is fighting tooth and nail saying it needs to be better and in your marriage you are!

He always SAYS he isn't upset but his actions seem to say something different like the hotel reservation above.. But at the same time, that is one thing that happened 3 weeks ago. It isn't like this kind of stuff happens every day. Something did happen last night, but I'll explain later because this morning he was great..

I have to run to church activities but I will brag on him more about some stuff that happened last night.. I think he is finally understanding and putting us more of a priority. I am trying to really compliment it whenever he does it and tell him how much it means to me!!!

I look forward to hearing you brag on him.

Hubby has just really been making me feel like I am a priority. Whether it is texts he sends me or greeting me first when he comes in instead of the kids and really cuddling with me...

So Monday he is on call, so I know there will be no fooling around but I cuddle with him anyway telling him I know that. The next morning he tells me how nice it was and we playfully talk about what will happen that night.. Fast forward to that night.. My back flares up. Every since I've been in high school a couple of times a year, my back just kills me..I can't breathe.. Hubby thinks it is because I'm having spasms. So I normally take a muscle relaxer and a hot bath. That helps a lot and the next day I'm sore but after that I'm fine. I can't figure out what causes it. It happens 2 or 3 times a year maybe.

So my back is killing me and I thought I was out of medicine. ( If I take it when I first feel the twinge, it is MUCH better.) Hubby has an office meeting and doesn't get home until 7. The boys have downloaded the newest Tim Hawkins video ( Christian comedian) and hubby and oldest are trying to figure out how to stream something from the computer through our new blue ray... Problems... So they spend the next 2 hours trying to figure it out.. I find the medicine but by this time I'm really hurting and a little irritated as we were supposed to "have fun." But at the same time, I don't really feel like "having fun.." I take a hot bath and crawl into bed. Hubby finally does too and cuddles but that is it. I'm not sure whether to be relieved or irritated....

So here is the brag... Next morning he apologizes to me for getting so wrapped up in getting the technology to work when we had talked about doing stuff with each other. I accepted his apology but added that with my back, I wasn't in the best of moods either. ( I apologized later to my middle child for snapping at him several times for asking legitimate questions... Told him my back hurt, but that was no excuse to be rude. ) Hubby then said he should have rubbed my back for me ( which really helps when it hurts) that night and would I still like for him to do it that night ( YES!!!!!) So last night he did and we had our fun together as well. He is taking me out to dinner tonight also..

I don't know.. it has just been so nice going to bed and waking up together over the last several weeks. It has probably been over 15 years since I've gotten this much uninterupted sleep. I need to change my name from tiredwife as I'm not really tired anymore...

Still major work issues, but we are working on them together.. It just feels so nice to feel like his heart is turned toward mine! I do wish he felt joy about his job, though... or that he would figure out exactly what God wants him to do...

That is a very nice update "no longer tired".

I wanted to chime in and empathize with you. I, too, have back spasm issues. It happens when my lower vertebrae slide out of position even just slightly. I am currently doing some back exercises to strength the muscles. To quote the therapist to minimize (sorry it will never be fixed) the amount of slippage.

When the discs slip the muscle spasm trying to protect the spine. It is VERY VERY painful and I know what you mean about not being able to breathe. When it's really bad I am totally imobilized for a period of hours. I just have to lay still until the spasm calms down and then head straight to the shower for the wet, warm heat ... which helps the most.


It sucks and happens at the weirdest moments. Not when I'm lifting heavy objects but rather when I stoop. Getting a pot from the lower cupboard, washing my car and bending to get down low, addressing the golf ball was my latest experience (that really sucks as I play a LOT of golf).

Things are going well here. I continue to be able to sleep!! HOORAY!!! Hubby has been doing a great job of meeting my needs. He took the day off on Monday after his weekend call. We spent some nice time together including a couple hour walk on our place that was so incredibly awesome.. ( completely different from the one I described on the radio show) He also does small things like he came home at 7 on Wednesday night and my daughter was watching a movie in the other room( she had a virus) and the boys were at youth. He fixed his dinner and asked if I wanted to watch an episode of Band of Brothers. I did so we went in there and he went to sit in his chair but then stopped and came over and sat next to me. After he ate I rubbed his feet and then he rubbed my back without my asking.

I wrote him a happy letter this week telling him how much I appreciate what he is doing and how I just can't keep myself from smiling when I think about him..

So... what's the problem.. I am still worried about him. His headaches are still bad. ( stress) He is just stressed and it is job related.. I still wonder if some kind of counseling would help him... But i don't know that I could get him to go or even what kind of counselor it would be: job counselor, personal counselor??? We were discussing the prevalence of drug use among physicians. another doctor has taken a leave of absence probably for the same reason. It is more common than you probably think as the job is just so stressful.

I've told him over and over that I would be happy if he quit and became a forest ranger. ( His second choice of career.) Or we left now to become medical missionaries ( ok..we can't because of middle son but in 2years we can. My daughter would love to come with us! ) I'll do whatever. We have been frugal and lived on a small portion of his salary and saved or given away the rest of it. We can do whatever we want.... We don't have to wait 7 1/2 more years...

I'm just unsure of what to do. This is the next subject that I need to have an honest talk with him about. He cannot keep on the way that he feels. He just can't. But I don't know that I can MAKE him do anything. But I can tell him honestly how worried I am about him...

BTW we have come to a mutual decision about this summer: NO GARDEN. HOORAY!!! He's got some other projects: painting the fence, clearing fallen trees, etc that he is going to do instead which is fine. We can still have fun and I won't be spending 3 or 4 hours every day in the summer, harvesting and canning or freezing or shelling or whatever. I do love eating our vegetables right now ( In January). We've had green beans, squash and corn from our garden this week. But I will not miss the work!!!

So if you have any suggestions, then let me know. We live in a rural area and I don't have a clue how to find a good counselor. I've read the article but the only ones I see in our phone book are either attached to a church or are attached to medicaid ( parenting classes, anger management, etc.)

So for now I pray and just support him as best I can with lots of head rubs. We have gotten lots of UA time this week. We are going out to lunch today and then to an rv show. Boys are gone all weekend for a youth disciple event. So he'll get some father/daughter time as well. She was so cute yesterday. She wrote I love you daddy on little pieces of paper and left them all over the house: on his desk, on our bed, etc. A few months ago, that would have made me feel jealous.. Not anymore. It is just sweet.

Hi Tired Wife,
I scanned thru your thread and can appreciate the stress and anxieties that go with the lifestyle. I have been married ----as of tomorrow--- 33 years to busy solo practice surgeon, but in a urban setting. I also am the practice admin and manage the property the office is located. About 9 years ago I had a rare inner ear condition that could only be cured by surgery. This meant a craniotomy. But unfortunately this procedure lead to complications that lead to 3 more craniotomies w/in 7 months. Nightmare.

All these happenings did not help our relationship. I'd been the giver and had been taking care of our relationship. Although my husband coped in a compartmentalized way and helped me on the surface, he was not meeting my emotional needs for support. It was devastating while I struggled and I did not have the capacity or skills to articulate how to help. I did not have MB.

My point is I understand the lifestyle, stressors, anxiety, chronic pain, juggling marriage and family and having balance. There is a wonderful program that began at Harvard Med School for stress and many many physicians gone thru this course. Jon Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Programs noteworthy for helping to manage pain too. Google it.

Sounds like things are going well for you. BTW, I was recently struck by a term "cruelly gratuitous." I've decided this is what we are offering when we want to make sure others are happy but do not consider ourselves into the equation-- married or single.

Yes, this is why over the last month I have not been demanding but I have been standing up for what I need and praising him when I get it. This week it has been hard for me to not think what I used to: he is so stressed I just need to do things for him and I won't ask. Nope, I need it and that isn't bad. It is good for our marriage and him as well as he seems less stressed when we have more UA time. But I'm wondering if I need to draw some kind of line in the sand over this isssue.. He has been dealing with this for probably 8-10 years. He changed practices 6 years ago, which helped quite a bit but now he is back to the same level of stress. So he isn't sure that changing practices would help.

Again, it might sound weird but the mindfulness stress course is very beneficial for lots of doctors. Physician heal thyself. My husband can also seem 'perfect' on the outside as well. But being in the mode of doing more and more is like an addiction to it. It is a cultural norm that is supported in a number of ways. Its a black hole. I myself have been on the receiving end of what I am calling this form of gratuitous cruelty. ie going thru the motions. Your husband getting back to UA time w/you can be centering to overall health and wellbeing. More of a shift within then a change of facilities. Prudent.

Sigh... just wishing I had friends.. I wish I had a girlfriend that I could share with that would give me an honest perspective.... All my friends growing up and in college were male and I dropped all contact with them when I got married because it felt funny to have male friends... my best friend during that time(a guy) died 10 years ago. It was all about my husband when I got married and then my kids/husband.. I have been going through A Beautiful Wife bible study by myself.. You are supposed to go it with a group or at least a mentor. There are a couple of godly women that I respect, but my husband has either treated them, their husband or both!!!

I'm lonely today. I want a friend.. I want a friend that I can go to and say my husband has been struggling for so long, what should I do...where can I go? I tried to go to our interim pastor this summer and he is useless.. ( oh, yes my wife and children used to get so mad that I was so tired and wouldnt do what they wanted to do but would go out and help anyone who called.. ?????? To him, 15 hours was unreasonable...)

I guess I will share this with hubby today, but I'm not sure what good it does other than to depress him further OR for him to cover it up and try to make me feel good ( which is what I suspect he has been doing..)

According to MB is your husband really supposed to be your only friend? And if so what do you do when the problem is with him?? I've already suggested stuff over and over and over... I feel like a broken record. He knows I'm concerned, but he seems stuck......

And I'll be honest, another reason I'm feeling blue today is because I am probably about to start. I don't know that for sure since I am so incredibly irregular now... But it feels that way..... UGG

No marriage problems.. We had some great UA time this weekend and last week.. 17 hours or so. He sent me a sweet text to ask me how I was doing...

I know how you feel TW. I have shared MB with two friends. One embraced yet, another poo-pooed it.

Staying home, raising kids of any age, can be isolating. Finding friends you can really trust is difficult. I found some of my most trusted friends, within the homeschooling community. Not church.

If the mods will allow it, we can exchange emails. The forums aren't blogs. But, sometimes we need to talk to a fellow MB follower.

Blow off lessons tomorrow. Sit in the sunshine, talk to your kids. Laugh. And talk to your husband. His shoulders are bigger than your's. Trust him. Tell him you're lonely, but you don't expect him to fix it; just listen.

TW,
I understand your situation regarding fostering friendships with the doctor/patient dynamic involved. We are forced to compartmentalize to maintain confidences and its impossible to let your own hair down with anyone besides hubby. I'm very isolated too. This lifestyle has taken its tole and I have become less involved in our community since our kids have grown. Since we began MB and it took so much time to get my husband on board--- the girlfriendships I'd fostered have dissipated. I feel bad about that. And the ones I did confided in were not particularily supportive of MB program. I saw a therapist for a while but like so many here talk about was also not supportive of the program and recommended marriage counseling. I've not discussed our struggles with my family of origin either who are 600 miles away. Actually I tried talking with two of my four siblings and they were not helpful. One of the other siblings I did not talk to because his wife was undergoing cancer tx. And the other sibling was doing a bad job of managing her own alcoholism. My parents are of advanced age and overwhelmed with their own stuff. Its a lonely space sometimes.

Have you considered a hobby interest or something like a book club with women? Or a yoga class? Maybe a group outside of your other circles? Just a thought. I appreciate you are located in a rural environment and its got to be a challenge too. Sorry to ramble. Just reaching out. It almost sounds like you are a bit too much in your own head to see clearly through to the other side.

Doesn't really apply here. My oldest two just left for their dual credit classes at community college ( Spanish IV for both, 2nd semester freshman English for oldest and College Algebra for middle.) I'm about to take youngest to her violin lesson an hour away.. Plus, no sunshine but 80 percent chance of thunderstorms.

But I do feel better. I started as I suspected, so part of the emotional upheaval was hormones.

I've started an online college Spanish class that is quite difficult but sort of fun as well. My 45yo brain isn't used to working quite that hard. My boys are getting a kick out of being the tutor for me. I had them proofread my first assignment which was a 7 sentence introduction and asked for help with my pronounciation... This first semester class says that it will take 6 hours a week. HA!!!! I'm spending an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon watching the videos and doing the assignments as well as more time in a workbook I got for the boys that they never used but I am finding VERY helpful. So at least 2 1/2 hours every day. And I'm still behind and a little lost.... ( A lot of this is immersion, though, so I don't think I'm supposed to understand everything.) My consolation is that even if I fail the class, I will know a lot more Spanish for our mission trip this spring.....

I had friend who wanted to learn Spanish. She started worshipping at the Spanish service at her church. She said it provided the immersion she needed.