She is upset that she can't have more children and that she doesn't have more children. She says she tries not to let it affect how she views me but my needs go unmet because it's directly correlated to procreation.

She's always used booze as a crutch. She's angry she reaches for a drink. That's why I spoke to Melody about this. I have concerns that it's alcoholism.

As far as the sugary stuff who knows. She knows what she likes and she usually gets what she wants � except for more kids.

She has a mild case of OCD and anxiety issues. So it�s possible everything I view as bad are coping mechanisms she has that are somewhat or not related to her anxieties and OCD. I�m not a Dr and I try not to psycho-analyze her too much. I do know what I like about her and what I don�t.

ok, that is too long to read and I am heading out the door so I will be quick. I will give the benefit of some key learnings of those who have gone through the MB seminar and who ARE getting our UA time in every week.

First off, this program does not work without taking this step. Does not work! You are wasting your time and money if you gloss over this step. It is too important of a step to miss. When Dr H was in private practice, he wouldn't even take on a client wouldn't commit to this step.

As Dr Harley told us, it is much harder to put off time that is scheduled. When you wing it, anything ELSE that comes up will be used as an excuse to abandon your time together.

So get out the worksheet that is in the back of the Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook and make several copies. Sit down once a week and write in the date, time and planned activity.

She is in no mood because you are not getting in your UA time. Are you spending 3 hours with her meeting her ENs for conversation and affection? Because that must precede SF. It has to be an EVENT just like Dr Harley suggested. You have to warm up the oven first.


Your children are gone? Where are they? They don't eat with you? Because what you describe is not UA time if there are others there. UA time needs to be in blocks of 2 to 4 hours to be effective. Passing each other in the kitchen or in the hallway on the way to the bathroom is not UA time.

Thanks Mel.

I hear what you're saying and I will go to work on the UA time. If what we're doing doesn't count for much I suspect I've got an uphill battle getting her on board. Heck I'm trying to wrap my brain around it. Her and I ... we don't have enough to talk about as it is. If we have to discuss longer we're gonna need something to talk about ... which I realize is partly my responsibility and why I was pushing for some more RC ideas. Ugh, if I have to listen to her complain about the catty women at work more than I already do I'll go bonkers.

I don't have the 5 steps book. I have FILSIL, HNHN and LB. Not sure I recall seeing that schedule in any of those but I'll look.

Life balance. Enough time with her, enough time for the kids, enough time for work, enough time for friends, enough time for me.

I'm surprised that Dr Chalmers isn't requiring the 15 hours.... I thought that was the first thing they required BEFORE doing any of the worksheets.. Actually spending the time is making a difference for us. For example, before when hubby would call me during my stuff ( children's choir, class, etc.) I was so incredibly irritated. Why are you bothering me during MY stuff. This past week he called me while choir practice was going on and I was just happy to hear from him. It didn't stress me out at all.... I was thinking what a change that was..

I would talk to Dr Chalmers about UA time first thing.. She will have to convince your wife that it is important.

Here is what I was hoping for: that Dr Chalmers would motivate her to TRY. And once you started meeting each others needs and getting in your UA time, she would become motivated. Because once you exceed the romantic love threshhold, you aren't going to let anything get in your way. You are eager to do it. Make your conversation as pleasant as possible. If she is talking about something unpleasant, then tell her! Or maybe you can discuss this before you go out. Say, I want to make sure I am as pleasant as possible when we are out together, which subjects should I avoid? And then you tell her about subjects you don't like. You LEARN how to be so enjoyable with each other that you never want to miss your time together.

I might have the scanned sheet. I will check when I get home. Five Steps is the workbook.


And the priority should be:

1. marriage
2. job
3. family time

YOUR time is with your wife and the friends can go last on the list.

'upset' makes more sense than 'sad' but either way it is unusual not to be happy if you love children and are lucky enough to have three.



OCD is another coping mechanism. So anxiety is what is making her sad? Would she talk about what makes her anxious when you are having UL time? Sometimes that is enough to shrink the monsters.

Oh we both know it and yes Dr Chalmers does require it first and foremost. We do try to work together / suggest things to reach at least 15. We just don�t schedule it which I could see being a great tool. I could see how we�d use that as an accountability tool.

It�s good to see things moving in the right direction for you TW. It�s always the hope that it two steps forward even though there�ll be a one step back now and then.

I really don�t know how her conversations with Dr J went. She never volunteered any of their discussion. She certainly emphasized the UA time. It was always on the docquette for this week�s marching orders. Do this, this and get in those 15 to 20 hours of UA time.

I just texted my wife that I missed her yesterday. She was stuck working till my bedtime last night so we got zero UA time in last night. Sigh � and she�s probably gonna have to work late tonight too. Anyways I asked her if she�d be open to creating a UA schedule. She�ll see it when she gets up.

I know that I have that feeling of wanting to be with her and I definitely can see how molding our conversations to be enjoyable (versus the stuff that feels unpleasant to either of us) will only make that grow stronger. I hate to keep repeating what I�ve said to her. Seems I tell her once or twice about LBs you think she�d want to change it � but it doesn�t.



I appreciate that.


This made me laugh because my buddy just got through complaining about me being Missing In Action. He�s supportive of my efforts though as he knows my struggles and of the plan I�m following. His a great guy who�s married to a great gal and they really seem to click as a couple. Mrs and I love hanging with them because of that fact.

Mrs and I discussed our interactions over the last few days. She was upset that I communicated my feelings of sadness concerning missing out on SF time this weekend. She thought I was insisting it happen despite how she felt. I explained that that wasn�t what I meant. That I was merely trying to communicate my feelings just as she was concerning her sad feelings. I explained I was being as open and honest as I could and explained that is where we often struggle. That we tend to ignore the elephant in the room. After talking I think we�ve ironed that out � or at least eliminated the bad vibe that was going on.

I am not her but for me ... I'd rather appreciate what we do have. This one really affects her and although I know she appreciates what she has it doesn't seem to override these other feelings that enter her head. I wish she had better control. When she's upset from that we all feel it's effects.


We talk about what she�s feeling quite often. She�ll even avoid the things she doesn�t like (OCD behaviors) by getting me involved. For instance she�ll ask that I be the last one to come up for bed so I can turn off the lights.

I think the best I can offer her is an ear. Just listen as I always do � when she�s willing to discuss. It�s like pulling teeth. What�s wrong. Nothing or I don�t know or I�m fine. Hmmm. You seem upset. I�m here if you want to talk. Would a hug help? She�s gotten good at asking for hugs now when she really, really needs one.

The other thing I can do is encourage her to get back in to see her Doc. Actually she�ll have to. They won�t renew her prescription again without doing so and she is not interested in getting off the meds.

This sounds like an issue with my wife and I, but reversed. She asks me to stop certain LBs, and gets upset when I do not stop the behavior immediately. Last night she said it makes her feel like I have no respect for her since she asks me to stop and I don't listen to her. It came very clear to me how she felt when she explained it in that way.

I struggle with changing these behaviors because often times my mind is somewhere else and I do it subconsiously. When I am focused I do not commit the LBs. I personally find it encouraging to get praise when I avoid an LB. While I don't think she should have to praise me for me to want to make her happy, it helps encourage me because she noticed that I cared. It makes me want to avoid that LB again. After a while it becomes the habit to avoid the LB, instead of the other way around.

ok, I scanned a blank copy. Can you mod notify this post and give them your email address and ask them to send to me? I will shoot you the PDF copy of the worksheet.

So ask her to encourage you.

Mel,

I'll have to create a new temporary email as my personal one would reveal my identity.

I won't be able to create one until I get home tonight.

Thanks again.

I can just email it to the mods and have them email it. Do they have your email address?

They do now. I had to change the one I use here to the one that would reveal my identity. I no longer use that old account.

Feel free to send them the email.

I will hit notify to let them know I wish to receive your email.

ok, done!

Got it. Thanks a bunch.

Thanks Fireproof.

The nice thing about the worksheet is that you are not struggling with this on a daily basis. Since you have already scheduled out your week, you have scheduled SF and don't have to worry and hope that you might get some time together every day. You sit down together ONE TIME a week and just write it all out. That way you and your wife can set up babysitters and plan to leave work on time.

One thing I didn't like is when I was exhausted and frazzled and my DH would approach me for SF. It really made me angry. But when it is on the schedule and is preceded by a nice relaxing dinner and some shopping, I actually look forward to it. I am not caught off guard.

I hope I can get her participation. So far she's wishy washy on this kind of work.

Wow. A schedule. That'd take so much pressure and stress off of me.

I suspect she'll say just the opposite. She'll commit when the moment strikes her not when a schedule suggests it. Otherwise it's too much pressure. "How do I know if I'll be in the mood at that time?".