If that is your goal, why did you list "next steps" which have nothing to do with MB?

Mijunleigh,

I know exactly where you are and I have a cautionary tale to tell you.

You see three years ago my wife had an affair while she was deployed and I did not expose her I kept her secret. I made the wrong choice once I found out to tell her I would keep her secret for her. I knew about MB and we even talked to Steve about 5 times. She decided to stay married to me and we went back to the same routine we had been doing prior to the affair.

Well guess what happened to me? She just got back from another deployment where she had another affair. I never exposed her the first time and she had no repercussions for her actions. This set a tone for her to feel that she could get away with it again. YOU NEED TO EXPOSE HER AFFAIR! Just like the veterans here keep telling you. You do not want to be in my shoes a year or two later. I'm fighting such an uphill battle with her to see that MB would work for us that I may never see the peak. You have an opportunity right now to save your family and your wife from her destructive behavior and it starts with EXPOSURE. Do not wait any longer. The longer you wait the affair gets more entrenched and she may never come out of her fog.

You have one play right now that will save your family and that is to EXPOSE her affair.

Stone

Oh boy. This guy is not going to make it.

mijunleigh, there is nothing we can do to help you if you won't expose the affair. The chances dwindle every day that you choose not to take action.

You are allowing FEAR to drive your agenda, and people who can't follow a plan and put their emotions aside don't make it.

I personally refuse to try to help someone who won't expose because I know it is hopeless. I won't help you push a car up the hill when you refuse to turn off the parking brake. And that is what you are doing: pushing a car up the hill with the parking brake on.

I have exposed. It was difficult and painful to me because I feel like she has been hurt. She has blocked me from FB. And under the divorce papers she is out of the house. I am primary custodial parent for our children at this time pending a hearing. I'm currently working on finding suitable childcare for our children while I'm at work. I'm moving on with my personal recovery. Don't know how Plan A fits into this. Seems like she'll have more time with OM. What do I do now?

Good decision on the exposure. Was it wide enough? All family, key friends, etc, etc?

You have your children, which is good. Where is WW staying? The reason I ask is that your ability to perform any type of Plan A will be bounded and defined by your ability to implement EN satisfactions without WW at home.

That said, what is your timetable for moving this process forward? Sun-tzu's maxim was to the effect that an opponent disrupted and on the run (as WW is right now) should not be given time to recover.

The carrot and stick of Plan A should NOT be taken to imply that pressure and conflict should be deflected from the WS. The higher the pressure and discomfort associated with her NOT returning 100% to the marriage will, by contrast, make the comfort and attractiveness of returning all that much more desirable.

referring to both.

she was legally forced out of the house due to a restraining order.

my family is going to help as much as possible with child care. my parents will watch them once a week. I'm looking into an after-school program for my son. My daughter is the hard one because she will need full time daycare and I can't afford it at this time. I've applied for childcare assistance and other programs for assistance but it will take weeks to kick in, and I may not even qualify. I'm also working on cleaning and organizing the chaos(mess) in the home. She actually has wanted to do this for so long; a Plan A step I guess.

She believes she could live with OM and the kids and make this work. Like I'd ever let my kids live with a druggie around whether used in the home or not. That was with me watching the kids too though.

I still hope and pray her eyes open soon before this gets any harder for all of us.

How did you do the workplace exposure? And how did you get a restraining order against her?

Workplace exposure went through their regional hr department via an anonymous source whom I did not ask to make contact. I vented about other activites which have been happening there, and this person made a call to someone they knew. There will now be an investigation into employee drug use, theft, fraud, nepotism, and the affair.

When I told my attorney about the destructive activites she has been engaged in recently he recommended the TRO. I agreed because I don't know what she is thinking right now and I need to protect my children from further harm and conflict.

She went shopping the other day, there's no food for the kids in the house. She bought soda, hot pockets, microwave pizzas, corn dogs, and ham lunch meat. My children and wife do not eat these things only I do. We never have more than 1 or 2 of the frozen items in the freezer at any given time. She did not buy fruits or vegetables which we feed them at every meal. She also arranged for an overnight stay with her parents on a school night which has never happened before. She relented when I insisted the kids should have a normal school night and they could stay there Friday and Saturday night. She was served the next morning and I believe it couldn't have been more timely. I'm very scared about this whole thing.

When I asked if you were referring to the previous exposure or a new exposure, you said "both." Now you are stating that there was no new exposure; you were just referring to the gossip generated from your previous exposure. Correct?

no i have exposed to her friends via facebook before she shut me down.

Did you do a formal workplace exposure?

Don't feel bad about doing this. FB exposure was a great move!

Drugs on your WW's part or the OM? What kind of drugs?

OM is a pot user and does it almost every day. She thinks this is an ok person to have in her life because "he wouldn't do it around the kids." She has since "tried" it once because she wanted to see what it was like. She felt safe and trusted him so she did it. She's never dome some of the things she's done during these affairs. Keep in mind they've only been physical that I know of for less than a month. The EA began before the holiday season when she had a "crush" on him after he became an employee. She was still seeing OM1 at the time. She didn't break up with him till end of Dec 1st week of Jan. Must have been tough to juggle 3 men at once.

YOU need to formally (in writing) expose the affair to her supervisor and other key personel within her company.

her supervisor is OM's sister and in good with all the HR people in this region. the whole company here is a "good ole boys" club. nobody would put me in contact with the region manager. so I gave up. but I told enough people and one of my friends was furious and told a friend etc. I don't know who made the call only that it was made and I should get more info back on Monday.

You said that HR was going to investigate. Who told you that? And who told you that you would be updated on Monday?

My info comes through a friend I exposed to. My friend told someone else who couldn't believe the story. My friend is supposed to let me know what happens on Monday after the exposer calls the HR person back for a status update on Monday morning.

Your friend's friend cared enough to find an HR phone number and expose this directly to your wife's HR dept. Why don't you?