Okay, I was a lurker for a long time and didn't take some of the techniques to heart after A #1. We worked it out for a while, but obviously things have spiraled into a the same pattern of addictions.

This time I am going full force into Marriage Builders principals. I didn't really expose last time and allowed it to stay hidden. What a STUPID MISTAKE!

For A #2, OMW already knew about the adultery long before I did and let it happen and never revealed, she said she wanted to, but never had the right time or I refused to see her one on one (Which is true I don't meet with members of opposite sex alone, if only WW shared the same boundaries as me!)

All four of us were friends when it was happening right under my nose.

Anyway I have evidence in a log of facebook emails with all the explicit details. It is saved electronically in three different places.

As you can see my latest D-Day is really recent. I exposed to a few people every day since d-day. Two of her closest friends, Her Mom and about 5 of my friends, OM teenage son, OM cousin and OM best friend. WW was beyond PISSED! Everything in Exposure 101 she said. OM cousin is a lawyer and sent me an email reply to never contact another member of OM family. I'm a bit afraid of restraining order so I'm laying low on exposing to any more of OM contacts.) I still plan to expose to people we know, but if feels like I'm doing too much trickle, and I have no idea when to reveal to my parents, that is a different topic altogether. She says she will talk to our pastor (again, he was informed and provided counselling after A #1 and even wrote the NC letter.) I'll believe it when I see it.

The difference is after DD #1 she agreed to NC right away. She is refusing that this time, because OM #2 is her best friend

I know they are still talking, and every time she sits on her phone I want to do what the emoticon is doing because I'm sure she's talking to him.

A couple of quick questions.

Should I continue to snoop? Does it really matter at this point?

How much time should I give her to contact our pastor and one other person she said she would talk to about the situation since she said she will. (I know WW are pathological liars.)

What is the real purpose of having the evidence? WW asked why I need it and I'm not sure I know the answer. I'm for sure not getting rid of it, but what does it help in the long term? Does it help with divorce proceeding? Future exposures? Help me understand.

OM and OMW are getting divorced. I am communicating with her and we are trying to process together, like I said all 4 of us were friends before the A, and OMW even allowed it to continue after her DD. I am keeping some strict boundaries because I know the risks. Should I even be communicating with OMW? I initially thought NC with her.

Oh yeah and our kids and OM/OMW kids are friends. In fact my wife was the daycare provider. (Not anymore though) Can we allow the kids to still have contact while in Plan A? Oh Adultery is just so disgusting and is so many children.

Thanks for listening.

As for the email it's a bluff.
Expos� to all of OM contacts

That friend has NO authority. You can email him back and tell
Him you heard he has a small penis and women laugh at him. He can do nothing

You NEED to follow exposure 101.
The wayward does NOT expose!
She will just lie and cover it up

Okay you guys are answering only some of my questions. I thought I did follow Exposure 101. When is exposure OVER? WW Fallout is exhausting.

If your wife refuses to end the affair you should file for divorce unless you want to be in a marriage where she has sex with other men.
The fact the OMW knew about it and did nothing makes me wonder if the three of them were involved

I wouldn't put it past them.

No. You asked your wife to expose her adultery to the pastor.
You need "Nuclear Exposure"
In one day YOU expose to all of your married friends, family and church.
OM married friends and family and church.

Hello Neveragain.

Steps to follow:
1) Expose to everyone.
2) Make her leave if she doesn't send no contact letter. Do not delay in giving her the choice of NC letter or leaving. Let her know that her husband IS her best friend. She should be given NO time to think about this. It's a no brainer. Give her a sample no contact letter that you think fits, and make her write it TODAY. Do you need to see one?
3) If she agrees to write letter, get as far away from this family as you can. Your relationship with them is over for life. Their close proximity is a danger to you. This is why EXPOSURE is so important.
4) Set up your extraordinary precautions. Write them out, and let her know these are the conditions of her staying in the marriage.
5) Hopefully your Pastor can support you in these actions.

You need to be assertive, and waste no time. Dragging your feet has not helped you.

Is there some reason why you aren't finishing exposure? Why hasn't this been exposed to your pastor? You have other key exposure targets on the OM's side and on your side? Is there some valid reason why you are doing a trickle exposure?

HAVE YOU EXPOSED TO YOUR CHILDREN?

Are you any more serious this time about saving your marriage? Or are you gearing up for Affair #3 through some more enabling?

I see no sign here that you are any more serious this time than the last time. What was your posting the name the last time?

You are joking, right? Why in the world are you not exposing the affair to everyone? Is it too much damn trouble?

Do you wonder why you are on Affair #2? It doesn't surprise me at all with such a lackluster approach.

Why not take a more serious approach and put a stop to this in your home? I don't think she can be expected to take you seriously when you are not serious. What kind of a husband sits there and does nothing while his wife talks to her adultery partner? A man who doesn't care, that's who.

Such a complacent approach reflects a lack of caring.

Thanks for the candid advice, I quickly exposed to my pastor instead of skirting around the issue.

I plan to go to Plan B after school is over. 1) I want to give Plan A a chance to work. 2) Right now she is primary child care provider and does all school stuff, I have a commute to work and really I'm not sure how I can handle work/child responsibilities. I think I can handle it better once they are out of school and I can get a friends college age daughter to be a full time nanny once they are out of school, and I can take a few weeks of vacation.

My children are 9,6,5, I want to expose to 9 but all three of them know things are not right and it is effecting them. I think the 6 and 5 year old are too young. When I exposed to OM teenage son, WW was livid. I guess he is depressed and suicidal (no surprise right considering his upbringing) She told me it was never appropriate to say adult things to children.

I'm sure when we get to NC we will have to move.

What are the extraordinary precautions?

Back to the question of my communicating with OMW, is that appropriate, assuming I don't let it cross any lines. We have been sharing all the info we both have.

And he has spoken to your wife and asked her to end her affair? Who has contacted her and asked her to end her affair?


Children as young as 4 know right from wrong and understand the concept of adultery. They will understand it if you tell them. That is not too young to be told.


It is very appropriate. What is not appropriate is your enabling of your wife's affair. Since this is her second affair, Plan A would be completely inappropriate. She is a serial cheater who cheats as a way of life. She does not cheat because of unmet needs, but because this is her lifestyle. Plan A was never intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders.

I would DEMAND that she end her affair, cancel her phone service and file for divorce. Your wife already knows the damage her affairs cause and does not care. This is because nothing was done in the past.

And did you read our posts about finishing your exposure or are you ignoring them?

What was your previous posting name?


She is not going to follow any extraordinary precautions so I am not going to waste my time typing them out.

Is it "appropriate" for her to screw the boy's father? How ludicrous to imagine your wife has any notion of what is or isn't "appropriate."

6 and 5 are not too young.
Just tell them all that mommy is dating someone and married people ought not to do that.
That it is causing you to be very sad and worried and that you love them and will try to be strong for them. Then.....be their rock. Even when you are in despair be strong for them. They can see you sad and yet, let them know a person can be sad and still be able to hold on to their sanity and focus on the future and even have fun doing things with them.

It is okay for your wife to be pissed that you told them.
It is not okay that you don't tell them.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

This time I am going full force into Marriage Builders principals.

Good, now when would you like to START?

The three key steps are:

1 - Kill the damn affair.
2 - Attempt to entice her back with Plan A
3 - If that fails, institute Plan B.

You can't Plan B a WW in an active affair. She's actually likely to appreciate your consideration in getting out of her way, so she can more easily spend time polishing his love-trophy!

So Kill the Affair. You have screwed up so far:

1 - Your "exposure" has been a caricature of "exposure done by a timid person". When you expose a spouse's affair, my friend, the MB way is to do it all at once, not "Well, Mom today, Sis tomorrow, and maybe Pastor next week!" And you tell all children over age five, in age-appropriate ways.

2 - Your fighting of the affair does not take a four-month hiatus to align with the school-year. You say she is the primary care-giver for your children, so likely does not have a full-time job? Good! Isolate your income and all financial accounts from her access. She doesn't get a penny! If the cars are in your name, pull the plates and cancel the insurance on the one she drives.

3- Ignore the empty threats of "harassment" or whatever they want to throw at you. It is all crap. As a matter of fact, ask them which judge they plan to get to sign the RO, and suggest you'd like to have him review the evidence you have of their affair in open court! Invite the press!

Your WW's lifestyle enabled and facilitated her affair. Your job now is to ruin that life, left to right, top to bottom.

Are you ready to FIGHT or slink away? Those are realistically your only choices.

Plan B letter written and sent. How do I handle the backlash. She says I am blackmailing her by telling her to leave the house that is half hers.

Are you ready to FIGHT or slink away?

Plan B letter written and sent. How do I handle the backlash.

Alrighty! "Slink away" it is, then!