True. Point taken.

Hey buddy, you're me in 2010.

A few comments, if I may...

1. You take charge of getting this UA time in. Sure, it's awkward and there are moments of silence reminiscent of a middle-school date, but that's how you get this ball rolling.

2. Don't try to schedule sex the way you did a few pages back. She ain't there yet! I'll guarantee that it was a huge turn-off at this point in time. Save it for when you're further down the road and when such sexual innuendo is well received.

3. Pity sex is awful and you don't want it. You think you do, but, afterward, you realize you didn't but still want it again even though you know you shouldn't. Make sense?

4. Yes, it feels like you're doing all of the hard work. It sucks.

5. Yes, it feels like she is getting all that she wants as far as a sexless marriage goes. It sucks.

6. Once you get this UA time ramped up and make it a habit (along with eliminating LB's), I'd put money on this SF issue resolving itself quite handily.

You're starting over in this relationship, somewhat, and may have to draw from your early years as a couple for inspiration. You're dating her, if you will, so you need to be on your best behavior. Her behavior, like it or not, sounds pretty promising and you've been getting spot-on advice from the others.

So give it some time, get this UA thing working and keep your side of the street clean. Make yourself someone that she would *want* to be with and you'll find that many of these issues kind of work themselves out.

Well, it means that you guys have nothing to talk about. Why is that? It's because you either have no experiences to talk about or are not sharing conversation-worthy experiences with each other.

How can you remedy that?

She already gave you a starting point...


This all goes back to UA time and making it count.

Thanks for the words. I could use the encouragement.

Outstanding post NW!
FTF,
Run with the "dating" idea it works.

It's not easy to have a conversation with a stranger I found out! Specially one you are married too! Get to know her again, find out as much information as you can and listen to what she says she is interested in and learn about it. Go out and do the things together you used to do.

Dr. Harley says that one of the best things parents can do for their kids is love each other!

Get that babysitter!

I have two grown M DD's that get the biggest kick out of Daddy telling them he has a "hot date" when they call and ask what are you and Mom doing tonight? Mom always just smiles when she hears that!

You are doing great, don't be discouraged!

Well, we have a date tonight. I think I'll start out the night by asking her what she does for fun.

2010 was three years ago. So where are you now?

We're doing great now, but I'd say it took the better part of a year to get ourselves back on track. You seem to have a fairly decent head start.

What's your plan for UA time this week? With two little ones it's difficult, but can be done.

Glad that it worked for you. Well the plan for UA time, that's the big question every week. lol. We are literaly broke this week, so we are trying to be creative. Looks like a lot of sitting at home to be honest.

And that's ok. Just look for opportunities where you can...during lunch, an hour before supper, and hour or so in the evening. It'll add up.

We were discussing this at lunch and she complained that nothing she wanted to do counted towards UA time. I inquired what she meant by that and she said she wants to watch TV.

Well OK, I keep reading that TV watching doesn't really count towards UA time. So what do I do with that. Heck, I want to watch TV too.

I'm just affraid it's not going to amount to much in the way of LB deposits.

Well, if your discussions are along the lines of "Let's figure out how ten ways that we can be more spontaneous" then you're going to struggle a bit. Don't talk too much or over think it!

You take the lead and come up with alternatives to watching TV without actually coming out and saying that that's what you are doing. Sure, it makes sense that y'all would want to watch TV if you didn't have anything else going on.

You mentioned she misses cooking together. What about making dessert or something after your oldest goes to bed? Ideally you guys would sit at the table and have a great conversation but, if reality strikes, a quiet evening on the same couch in front of the tube while eating dessert may be better than nothing.

I've been there before and remember it well. Little by little, it gets easier!

You also mentioned home improvement a page or two back. Think of ways that the two of you could get (back) into that. You know her pretty well and could probably start a conversation up on something that is interesting to her. Something like

"Hey, look at this thing in this Pottery Barn catalog. I'll bet we could do something like that for a helluva lot cheaper. What do you think?"

"Hey, DS was talking about [Disney's Cars] the other day, what do you think about redecorating his room..."

Both good ideas thank you.

TV and Movies are a carrot - if we meet our UA requirements, we can settle down and watch a show together.

That show should be mutually enjoyable.

TV was a problem in our marriage previously, as my wife lorded over the TV with shows I hated. At one time, she would even cut activities outside of the home short because she "had to get home for xx show."


Now there are a few shows we watch together once or twice a week that we both really enjoy.... and it actually fuels our conversation!

THAT is good use of media in marriage, as a common activity and spur of conversation... not as the only thing to do.

Well, I may have made a mistake today. Just looking for opinions from those who have been through it.

I'm frustrated that we are not getting in our UA time and my W doesn't show a whole lot of desire to get it in either. I hate that I have to be the one to constantly bring it up. I feel like if I just dropped it and never said anything about it again, then she wouldn't bring it up either.

So at lunch today, I brought up my concern that she just doesn't seem to be into it. The conversation just left me feeling down. I tried my best to be repectful about it, but how do you tell someone they aren't doing their part?

Sounds about right and that's why it's called a rollercoaster. You have to give her a reason for wanting to be into it and it isn't going to happen over a period of a week or two. Right now, she probably sees your actions as manipulative attempts to change her mind. She may be of the "it's too little too late" mindset or may be thinking "why didn't he do ___ when it would have counted?"

How long did it take you guys to get into this to begin with? A few years?

Now, if you've been plugging away at this for six months and are still seeing nothing, then I'd worry.

Think of these Love Bank deposits as a penny at a time if it helps. Eventually, it'll add up.


Only you know when it's time, but if you're seeing no progress and are getting into the red then it may be time to call it quits. I get the impression that you aren't there, yet, so keep going!

Brother, I've been in the red for awhile now. I've been fighting this thing since Sept 2011. Granted, I didn't start trying the MB concepts until last month some time so that is a factor.

How many hours of quality UA this week?

4.5 so far. Quality? Not as good as it could be. We had a bit of a cash flow problem at the beginning of the week so it's been a lot of sitting around at home.

I suggested we should get out of the house, but even now that we have the money, she would rather not spend it. Now this is the opposite of the way I feel. I'd go borrow $10,000 tomorrow if we could spend it making our marriage great again. It's priceless to me. I just feel like it's a penny wise, pound foolish kind of thing.

I inquired about why she didn't want to go out more and besides the money, she says it is boring to go out just the two of us. She only thinks it would be fun if we went out with a group of other people. Well, that kind of misses the point if you ask me, but I don't want to lecture or teach, so I don't know how to respond to that.

We had discussed starting a thread here together to get some ideas on what other people do.