So, I found out about my wife's affair on 1/7. I found out when I took her to the hosp with severe cramps and bleeding. She was mis-carrying his baby. We've been married for 20 years and have 3 sons. I was a wreck and actually prayed for God to take me home right then and there. I had no idea how I could survive this. The only thing I could say was absolutely no more contact with him. She agreed... more on that in a minute.

We both volunteered for the same fire dept and he is one of the officers there. She had been there for about 3 years when the affair started and I had just joined. That killed me because I joined to be able to spend more time with her. Anyway, the affair lasted for 8 months and she ended up pregnant. She claims that she was going to tell me but then the miscarriage happened and it all came out. Not sure what to believe.

I texted him and told him absolutely no more contact with my wife which he did not comply with. She didnt tell me about the continued contact, I had a feeling in my gut and found a FB message from him which she had not deleted yet. Yes, I blew up. She promised no more lies. We resigned from the FD and after I found the continued contact I told the Chief what had happened and asked him to step in and order him to stop. That was last night. The Chief has a strict set of rules on behavior and how it affects the dept so he was glad to help. I haven't heard back from him yet as to how that conversation went. Hopefully soon. My next step will be a harassment complaint with the police.

I stumbled across this site today while looking for resources on how to repair a marriage after an affair and I'm looking forward to some relevant input from others that have/are dealing with this.

Thanks

Welcome to MB and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Good job on exposing to the FD.

Is this OM married?

Will she write a No Contact Letter to him?

Have you been STD tested?

WOW, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. There is a very strict path out of infidelity and we can help you. You have taken some very good first steps by exposing the affair to the Chief and by leaving the FD, so I want to applaud you for that.

Exposure is the first step towards recovery, because the more people who know, the more people to support your marriage and hold your wife accountable. I would expose to the OM's wife, if any, your close family, friends, and most especially your children. Doing this has a major effect on your wife's affair fantasy and helps pierce her fog.

The next step is to take extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair or a resumed affair. That is done by creating transparency. She should cut off any avenue of contact from the OM, such as her cell phone #, email address, and most especially delete facebook. Facebook accounts are notorious affair facilitators.

The idea is that all contact should end for LIFE. If you live close to this rat, I would make plans to move. Do what you have to do to make sure there are no accidental meetings and that it is not easy for her to meet up with him.

Once your marriage is affair proofed, the next step is to use the Basic concepts to create a romantic relationship. These steps can be found in the book, Surviving an Affair.

Please go read the links in the first post on this forum to familiarize yourself with this program. Marriage Builders is completely different from any other program in that its goal is to restore the romantic love in your marriage and have a better marriage AFTER than before.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Our Pastor and his wife (also our best friends) were at the hospital with us that night. Another couple in church, that has made it thru a series of affairs (6 years so far) also know and are helping us. He is married but WW is afraid that the OMW will try to hurt her if she knows. I think she already knows because we bumped into her in the store and she gave us the cold shoulder. I'm holding that card for now, we'll see what happens.

WW seems like she is going thru some withdrawal on this so we're discussing the letter to end it. I think she'll do it this week.

I wont let her go very many places without me. She works in the next town over on their ambulance so there is a chance of them bumping into each other at the local hospitals. Any grocery shopping is done together and she accounts for any other travel that she has to do.

I haven't exposed her to anyone else yet because I'm concerned for her reputation. I know that sounds weak but if/when we get thru this, I dont want everyone to hate her. My 2 oldest sons know but not the youngest. He's 12 and knows there something wrong but not the details. If I out her to everyone, then he gets destroyed in the process.

Have you read this?
Exposure 101

OMW and your DS12 need to be told.

There are clips and writings in the Exposure 101 thread from Dr. Harley on the importance of telling children and the other betrayed spouse.

This is right where you should start. The OMW has to be told and Dr Harley recommends the telling comes from you, the betrayed spouse. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret will greatly harm your chances. The OMW needs to know so she can watch from her end and protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband. Your wife has assaulted her family and she has every right to know.


I would ask her to write a letter like the one I posted above. It should be approved by you and mailed together. You can mail it to him and his wife. However, I would call his wife FIRST so she is not caught by surprise.


Those are all chances for the affair to start up again. Every time they see each other puts you and her right back to day 1 of recovery and makes it very likely the affair will resume. It is the equivalent of a "recovering" alcoholic taking another drink.

Every accidental meeting means her withdrawal starts over - that is if you are lucky enough to avoid a resumed affair, which is very unlikely.


It will be a good idea to let others know right away. Especially your children. If you don't tell your children, they will hear it from others. This is information about their lives. To lie to them about the source of tension in their home is to teach them that dishonesty is accceptable. It helps NO ONE to lie to them about the affair. No one. Children are not made happy or secure believing illusions about their parents. It just causes moral confusion.

And don't worry about your wife's reputation. When people are as reckless and dangerous as she and the OM are, others need to know so they can protect themselves. It will help your wife having others know so they can help hold her accountable.

Keeping her affair a secret is HARMFUL to her, you, your children, and the marriages of others. It sure doesn't help your wife by keeping her secret.

Wow I know that you are hurt and confused right now. But withholding this information from the OM BW is just outright wrong.


OM BW is the other victim here and she deserves to know the truth about her life.

I am betting that you would have given anything for someone to pick up the phone and tell you what was going on. Yet you are refusing to do that yourself.

As far as OM BW hurting your wife...chances are better that she will focus her anger on her own wayward husband. Please don't come back and tell us that OM BW is unstable...of course she is. That is what affairs do to the betrayed...especially when they are being gaslighted.

When I as she is worried for her own safety, its because we've all been to the range together and we know her emotional stability...

I will tell you something else. Your wife will NEVER recover if you don't tell the OM's wife. A person cannot recover with such an enormous lie on her lips. That is because she can't recover unless she makes amends to her victim. She will remain in a state of fog that will make it much more likely for the affair to resume.

Ask yourself if the bank robber can "recover" if he never admits his crime and returns the money.

Don't enable your wife in that way. I can understand why she might want to lie to her victim - she is still fogged out and high on her affair - but you have no such excuses.

You want your wife to come out of this and truly repent? Then help her do that. Don't help her continue her crime by helping her delude her victim. If you do, then you are an accessory to the crime.

Your wife is dangerous, manipulative and emotionally unstable. She has assaulted this man's wife. And she has a right to know what your wife has done so she can protect herself and her children.

Don't help your wife be a bad guy by being an enabler. Help her out of the sewer.

That is a lie. If your wife was "worried about her own safety," she wouldn't have been taking her panties down with this woman's husband.

Even so, that does not entitle your wife to destroy another woman and her children behind their backs. Your wife is dangerous. And the OMW needs to know so she can protect herself.

I see your points and I appreciate them all. I obviously have no experience at this so I'm hesitant. I'll work on telling her this week. Wish me luck with that one

Exposure does not ruin a reputation. Having an affair with a married man, not taking ownership of it, and not working to make amends to your victims ruins a reputation.

x2

Why did she not have this 'fear' when she was engaging in an affair?

This, btw, is a VERY common thing for people to post on here. "My WW/WH is afraid that the BS will hurt them. They are unstable, you know." Ah huh. So dangerous and unstable you decided to mess with their spouse. Strange...

This excuse could be in the book of standard wayward speak. Keep reading these threads for a month and I bet you hear it several more times.

Bottom line is, your wife does not want to face the consequences to her actions. She also does not want her lovers spouse to know because he might just decide she's not worth the drama anymore, and that would mean an end to her little fantasy affair.

Hrm...sounds like that would support your goal here wouldn't it???

Your FIRST plan of action here needs to be to KILL THE AFFAIR. The main tool in your arsenal for that is exposure.

WOW, do not warn your wife or the OM before you tell her. Don't work on it, just pick up the phone and tell the woman. Just call her up and tell her everything. Then sit your children down and give them all the facts.

The next most glaring issue is the fact that your wife might "run into" this rat in her job. Do you understand that means you are facing an on again, off again affair? Every time she sees him she will be triggered again and the affair will be back on. Next time she may not have a miscarriage.

I just wanted to point out here that these are not 'our' points. The posters here (who have all been affected by infidelity in some way) advise based on the Marriage Builders principles, created by Dr Harley, who has been saving marriages from infidelity for over 30 years.

Just want you to know these are not the opinions of a few betrayed spouses, but rather the program followed by many of us (betrayed and wayward) to restore our own marriages and/or lives following infidelity. They were created by an expert who DOES have experience at this.