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My wife told me she had slept with another man last summer. I was upset of course but i accepted the truth about until i found out that they became friends on facebook. We had been having problems leading up to this point and she had been having some issues. She left and got a place her own of her own in september. We have been together for 17 years and have three children together. She resumed her relationship with the man she had told me about in in the summer. I got temporary custody of our children and she received after school visitation with no overnights. In december i made an effort to reconcile and she told me she was pregnant and in love with this OM. I had a vasectomy after our last child and i am sure that it is not mine!!! I am not so sure that she wanted did not want to get pregnant. In january she stated that she still loved me and wants to work this out and we have been to counseling twice.(she also was convicted of a dui in jan) She has had no contact with the OM for 2 weeks but i am sure he is wanting to be involved with this child. I love my wife and don't want our kids to have a broken home. How do we tell them that their mother is pregnant from another man? I am mainly contemplating this for our children. If OM gets courts involved will this child carry his name? A baby from this affair is enough but this OM being involved has me concerned for the long term. Should I try to make our marriage work or is it damaged beyond repair?If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?
Last edited by withaheavyheart; 02/13/13 12:42 AM.
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withaheavyheart, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. The only way your marriage will survive is if she ends all contact with the OM for life. Please go read the links here and you will get guidance on how to handle this difficult situation. Start Here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This OM is wanting this child to be involved with this child, It seems it will be very difficult to not have some contact between them due to the pregnancy. I feel this child will be a constant reminder of the affair. How do i explain the fact to our children that their mother is pregnant from another man?
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This OM is wanting this child to be involved with this child, It seems it will be very difficult to not have some contact between them due to the pregnancy. I feel this child will be a constant reminder of the affair. How do i explain the fact to our children that their mother is pregnant from another man? I would do everything to shut the OM out as Dr Harley recommends. Even if it means fighting him in court. If he stays in the childs life, it will be a nightmare because you will have to find an intermediary to facilitate visitation. The child will be a reminder of the affair. You have to decide if you can live like that. I would wait to explain this to your children.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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****edit****
Last edited by Dufresne; 02/13/13 04:41 AM. Reason: inappropriate
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****edit****
Last edited by Dufresne; 02/13/13 04:41 AM. Reason: inappropriate
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****edit**** Is OM married?
Does your WW want to take the steps to recover your marriage and go NC with OM?
Last edited by Dufresne; 02/13/13 04:42 AM. Reason: remove quote
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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The OM is not married and i am sure still wants relationship with my wife!!! I see no way for there to be NC even though they have not spoken in a few weeks due to this pregnancy. i plan on being in the room when they do. if he goes to court he will at least get visitation. and does he have the right to give this child his last name if he does prove paternity? BTW baby due end of july
Last edited by withaheavyheart; 02/13/13 02:36 AM.
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Did you see this? What Dr. Harley recommends? I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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how is restraining order possible brainhurt with her being pregnant? it is his child but i want my wife. that might inflame the situation right now. exposure is not tactic that will work either in this situation due the fact that his family knows about pregnancy. he is 3 hours away though
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Listen to these radio clips from Dr. Harley. Radio Clip on what to do when a pregnancy happens from an affair Radio clip on OC Please let us know what you think.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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The OM is not married and i am sure still wants relationship with my wife!!! I see no way for there to be NC even though they have not spoken in a few weeks due to this pregnancy. i plan on being in the room when they do. if he goes to court he will at least get visitation. and does he have the right to give this child his last name if he does prove paternity? BTW baby due end of july If you're in the U.S., it would be almost impossible for him to assert paternity or visitation if YOU, the legal father, want to raise the child as your own. But it's also a risk for you...as if your marriage doesn't survive, you could be the one on the hook for child support. Do you have a lawyer, since you say there is already a custody order with your wife? Talk to your lawyer...these are serious legal questions. How old are your children? Did you expose your wife's affair to the? This might be a situation where you would benefit from individual counseling to sort out your options and what you can emotionally handle.
Me, BS: 35 WxH: 36 "HAM" Hearts a mess 6yo DS (with WxH), 9 and 12yo DDs from first marriage Discovered DH's affair in June, 2011 "I'm not having an affair, you're crazy." major gaslighting Served with divorce papers on 2/3/12 Divorce final 7/29/2013 Living day by day, counting my blessings, loving my children Personal Recovery well underway!
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she also was convicted of a dui in jan) More importantly, the above? I believe that Dr Harley advises that when there is a alcohol addiction, that must be dealt with first & foremost. HeavyHeart, is your WW an alcoholic?
Me: BW (49) He: FWW (39) DS13 DD10
D-Day 4-5-11 NC 4-5-11 D-Day #2 July 13 NC July 14 FWW Rehab: July 14-Aug 6 2011 Relapse sept 2012 Plan B: Nov 6, 2012
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The OM is not married and i am sure still wants relationship with my wife!!! I see no way for there to be NC even though they have not spoken in a few weeks due to this pregnancy. i plan on being in the room when they do. if he goes to court he will at least get visitation. and does he have the right to give this child his last name if he does prove paternity? BTW baby due end of july Yes, there is a way for there to be no contact. There should NEVER be contact again. Did you read the post from Dr Harley? You should contact an attorney ASAP so you are protected. But unless your wife agrees to never be in contact with him again, this will not work. Your marriage will never make it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Actually (and unfortunately) the majority of states do allow for an OM to challenge and assert paternity. Here's the breakdown as of 2006 (I haven't researched lately but KY may have changed their mind recently) Paternity Presumption states by statute or case law:
Alabama, California, Minnesota, North Dakota, Florida, Kentucky, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wyoming
States where the law is still very unclear:
Missouri, New York, North Carolina, Rhode Island & South Dakota
All other states don't recognize or apply the paternity presumption [thus permitting OM's legal status to intrude into families].
Of course, these laws are ever changing and I don't recall when my resource was published. BTW, these laws typically are utilized by married men trying to escape responsibility for children that are not theirs. For example, I believe in Michigan if a married man finds out 25 months after the child is born the kid is not his he is still presumed the father and on the hook legally for support. These laws are typically not used by OM's to establish rights as they typically don't want the financial obligation along with severly limited visitation. 2013 NOTE = The KY Supreme Court heard another case and changed their position and Michigan, in 2012, by statute revoked the paternity presumption Seek legal advice before discussing this with anyone...most particularly OM. Regardless, your wife can and still should choose to never speak to him again EVER. If you must...YOU handle all communications. Whatever state you are in just google "paternity presumption [your state name]" and you'll get some lay information on the subject. Here is a link to an old MB thread which discusses and debates a hotly contested Kentucky case involving the paternity presumption. No one would ever sign up for the notoriety of the parties involved in that case but such examples are extremely rare. Most OM's don't fight like that weirdo in Kentucky. KY Court Rules Father is husband not Affair Partner Mr. Wondering
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There are some couples who raise the OC without the involvement of the OM. That would be my condition to staying married but that is due to MY experience with having to deal with xOW and visitation with my FWH's OC.
You will need to tell your children the truth, especially if other people know about the A and the pregnancy. It would be best not to lie to them or to the OC who you need to tell at an appropriate age if you can manage to keep OM out of the picture.
You can look for writer1's thread in the pregnancy/child forum here.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49 DS 30 DD 21 DS 15 OCDS 8
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There are some couples who raise the OC without the involvement of the OM. That would be my condition to staying married but that is due to MY experience with having to deal with xOW and visitation with my FWH's OC.
You will need to tell your children the truth, especially if other people know about the A and the pregnancy. It would be best not to lie to them or to the OC who you need to tell at an appropriate age if you can manage to keep OM out of the picture.
You can look for writer1's thread in the pregnancy/child forum here. Here it is. writer1's story in a nutshell
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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how is restraining order possible brainhurt with her being pregnant? it is his child but i want my wife. that might inflame the situation right now. exposure is not tactic that will work either in this situation due the fact that his family knows about pregnancy. he is 3 hours away though With, a restraining order would be necessary if he tried to contact your wife. And recovery is impossible unless she agrees to off all contact with the OM. Just because he impregnated your wife does not entitle him to direct contact.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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