Can you text her and tell her the down and dirty? Something like,

"Sally, I was confused when you hung up on me and want to make sure you know about WW and OM's affair. The affair has gone on for XX months and ended on 1-7-13 when WW miscarried OM's baby. I was hoping you would be my ally in making sure they don't start the affair again. Can we talk and exchange evidence?"

Thats a good idea Melody. I dont have her cell# but I can try to track it down.

I dont have any other evidence like phone logs/emails because they were all deleted before I could save them. I can get anything new though so I'll be watching for them closely.

Here's the NC letter. Let me know what you think. She wrote it by hand

OM,This is a letter of closure. You need to know and understand that it is truly over. I have made the decision to reconcile with DH and to heal the damage I have done to him and with my family. The relationship we had was a cruel selfish indulgence and completely against vows I took and the covenant I made with DH 20 years ago. I need to be DH�s wife and all that this means in being a good wife to him. Please respect my desire to end our relationship I need you to not ever contact me again. Any further contact will not be accepted or tolerated and anything received will be seen by DH. You will need to make every effort not to have any interaction with me.

Your WIFE is responsible for making sure he does not get through to her. So the line that he "needs to take every effort to not have any interaction..." needs to be taken out. Asking him to "make an effort" is not the same as "DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN."

But more than that, she needs to make SURE he can't contact her.

That line was put in to make it his responsibility that, if he sees her or her car that he is not to try to approach her, ie, in the grocery store or hospital. The line above it makes it clear that he is to never contact her again.

But, it's not his responsibility. It is yours. He can do whatever he wants and you have no control over that.

You do realize that she may approach him, right? That is what happens when you don't change your environment to make it harder to resume contact. If they see each other accidentally, they will both be triggered and that is how affairs resume. And even if they don't, they can easily hook up again if they live or work close together.

Asking him not to approach her is futile. Asking her not to approach him is futile and will not protect against an affair. Will power and their marital vows did not protect them in the past and won't protect them in the future.


Entire article at: here

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

OK, help me understand this. The NC letter is meant to set the parameters of no contact for life. It's not meant to enforce the NC. Thats my job, I get that. He is being told that he is not allowed to have ANY contact with WW. For life.

I do realize that she may approach him. But the NC letter wont stop that either, no matter how its worded. It only sets her parameters for no contact for life. It's my job to make sure it doesn't happen. Right?

Here's my dilema with the way you're putting things. I have to work. If I'm at work and she decides to go see him, call him, text him or contact him some other way, my ONLY recourse is to have a way to see that and follow up on it. SHE HAS to bear some responsibility for her actions because I cannot be with her 24/7. It's my job to be able to see ANY contact and deal with it after the fact.

Steps taken so far in the last 4 weeks
1. Left the FD
2. She now works in another town
3. She is looking at another job in still another town that doesn't use the same hospital
4. Changing email addresses
5. I have all of her passwords
6. I can "See" other contact if it happens
7. Changing her phone #
8. Working on EN list and how we can fullfill each others needs
9. Finally talking about the issues
10. Planning on moving that is more longer term.

What else can I do? Isn't this plan A? Send the NC letter and start assuring ther is NC and start the restoration process?

This is good stuff! This is the kind of stuff I am talking about and is what will protect your marriage. These holes have to be plugged up. Any potential sightings, meetings, etc, have to be removed as much as humanly possible.

I just want to make sure you understand that her assurances and telling him not to contact her will not work. The no contact letter is a good will gesture to YOU but, as you said, will not stop him from contacting her or vice versa..

How close do you live to each other? Do you live in a small community?

I like the above MB template better than your WW edited version. The MB template sends a strong clear message and better addresses the pain and disrespect to the BS.


This rubs me as a typical break up statement right before the lovers get back together again. It sounds like WW and OM have tried to unsuccessfully end it in the past and are hooked on the drama.

Yes, I do understand these things. Thats why I have some people setup to help keep tabs on them.

We live a few miles apart in a town of only 15K. Pretty small considering we know almost everyone from serving the town for so long in the FD.

Selling the house will take time. We have to get it ready to sell and then the market conditions. I'm willing to take a small hit on the price (after the huge hit the market has already given me), but we're still talking a year before its sold.

You can't know that. All it takes is one buyer.

Hi WOW,
I am not a vet or expert, but I am a former WW.

While it is your responsibility to verify NC, it will be your wife's responsibility to do everything in her power to avoid NC. She may be in withdrawal right now, and in the brainfog.

I can tell you that it took several months for me to not WANT contact. I am not trying to discourage you, but only share my own experience and the power of the addiction. I want you to know what you are up against.

Also, when my husband contacted the OM's wife, he got a similar experience as you. I think she was in denial, and her husband was using that to his advantage. The OM actually called my husband and said he was trying to protect his wife and to quit contacting her.

The steps you have taken are good starts, and I do hope the best for you.

I learned that one in the school of hard knocks when OW started to make appearances at social functions. Recovery was impossible because I was always looking over my shoulder to make sure that OW was not lurking in the shadows.

YOU have to TAKE CONTROL of your life and remove your family from OM social circle and environment.

Can you move and rent out your house? That town is full of triggers for both of you.

I understand you are eager to reconcile and move forward, but you won't get very far if you take a lax approach to holding her accountable. If you haven't installed a GPS, VAR, keyloggers, etc, you should do so ASAP.

My approach is not lax. I dont want to get into the "other" things that I'm doing in case she comes here. Not yet anyway.

Well, I found OMW on FB today and sent her a private message with all of the details. Time to wait and see. I dont know her FB habits so I have no idea how long it will take her to read it. I'll keep you posted on anything that I hear.

Good work WOW.

Good job! You are doing just great..

No word back from OMW yet. Not sure if she read the FB message or not.

Also, still dealing with things being hidden from me. WW's boundaries suck and she has no idea that I know. I don't see her communicating with OM but other people and kinda throwing me under the bus for, get this, making her quit the FD. Like it was my fault.... ugh. She's reading the MB stuff and thinks she's in withdrawal. I keep telling her she can't enter withdrawal until the lies stop. Claims she doesn't know what I mean.

We have a meeting with our pastors Monday night. I'll confront some more of the lies then.

Do the people she is telling know about her affair?