I concur.

There is no current drinking problem and I do not anticipate one in the future.

Our focus is on recovery and reading the LB and HNHN books and starting the workbook.I have read LB and am reading HNHN. My H is reading LB.

I did a lot of clean out of all my clothes and got rid of 90% of all clothes and shoes in my closet. This step was very freeing for my BH and myself to let go of anything that might have been a trigger. I don't want anything that might be a reminder of that horrible time. Also we have been going through family pictures. This has been a help to my BH and we were able to see some great family pictures.

I have not posted or been on the forum to give my BH some space to post without him feeling like I was looking over his shoulder.

A couple of days ago my BH was talking to my DS and telling him how badly I hurt him and I started to feel defense and sad; then I stop myself and realized I have to take responsibility for the massive pain I have caused in my BH and children's lives. I don't mean to say I have never had this thought before I have for many months now, but it has a much deeper meaning now. I have been focusing on how would I feel if my BH had the A. What would I need from him. How would I want him to act and what would I want him to say.

I told my BH this thought and how I am so sorry for the pain I caused. I see how I let the POSOM into our lives to destroy us. My problem is I say the same things over and over again and they don't seem to relieve much of the pain my BH has.

I will do everything in my power to win my husband back. He is my one and only love. I so much want to bring a smile to his face.

Please help give me some advice.

I

Trueform, you have to understand that words mean nothing to people who have been lied to.

What have your actions been saying? What are you doing to show him you are sorry?

What are HIS top EN?

What are you doing to meet those?

What has he told you He needs from you?

How much UA time are you getting?

You registered here Dec 2012.

I do not know when your dday was but it takes a second to take a cup and smash it.

It takes what seems as forever to find all the pieces then even more time figure which piece goes where and then more time to glue the pieces together.

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year job of hard work. Just because a WW is remorseful and is doing everything that has to be done to recover will not lessen the time needed to recover.

What would I need from him? How would I want him to act and what would I want him to say?
Have you read HNHN? If not,

If so, did it strike you that there was NO correlation between the typical top five ENs of the genders?

Given that basis, how likely would it be that what you hypothetically might require as the BS would align with what he actually does want?

I accept your commitment to recovery, TF. I do think you need to sharpen your tactics and focus.

Ask him what he wants. If he cannot tell you, well, you're just going to have to bury him in EN satisfactions, and discover which gets you the most bang for your buck.

We often say here that the BS steers the recovery bus, but the WS has to supply the power. Start your engine!

My BH EN's are 1)H&O 2)SF 3)RC 4)AS

The UA time at least in the past has been spent on talking about the A. This still creeps in because I've hurt him so badly. Talks seems to be a little better, but not so much for him. He has expressed to me that it is difficult to work on EN's when he is hurting. Today we talked about spending more UA time and filling out the forms so it is planned time together.

SF: Sex is great unless UA time is spent talking about why I had the A and hurt feelings, the POSOM, etc. but most of the time really great.

RC: We both like football, track, and basketball I love watching all these sport with him or going to them. On Saturday we had a really nice time together at a track meet. We had some UA time out to lunch also.

AS: My BH I think would say I'm attractive but a 10 if I lose about 20lbs. so after reading HNHN I realize that I need to step up my working out and lose a few. This will make my BH soooo happy. I ran about 3 miles a day to lose lbs. during my A. So it is a real sore spot that I'm focusing on making amends.

I also believe actions speak louder then words so I'm very affectionate but he tells me he need words from my heart; maybe that more of EN of Admiration? After reading HNHN I really believe this is his #1 EN an honest admiration of his qualities.

Yes,NeverGuessed I realize that my EN's are different than his I think he used this association so I could empathizes with him.

I understand that recovery takes time. I continue to see more I need to do to help my BH feel love for me again. Prayer and work on my part is the action.

What do you think?

For AS if your going to run do it together that's an awesome UA time activity. Correct me if I am wrong but you took a poly and passed so STOP TALKING ABOUT THE A. Dr. H says if you keep bringing up the affair you and your BH will relive it over and over again. You messed up you took a poly, I would like to think your BH knows all aspects of the affair there is zero benefit in bringing it up. It definetly isn't UA time to discuss your bonehead decisions. UA time is to deposit love units and talking about the affair withdraws them from you and him.

Filling out the forms about RC can help you both find some good UA activities besides the ones listed. Broaden your plate to keep it fresh. Also how much UA time are you getting a week. Have you read surviving the affair, his needs her needs and lovebusters? If not read them together I think that is quality UA time as well. Go to church as well, unless its against your beliefs. Glad to see your posting as well. Honestly thought the harsh responses you got earlier would of turned you away. Be patient with him and he with you. Praying for your success.

I would like to start walking after dinner with my BH I think this would be a little exercise and also some talking. I do the insanity workout out so I'm home when I workout.

Yes we do go to church Saturday morning just the two of us, Sunday with the kids. I'm not sure how much UA time we are really getting. I have the SSA, HNHN, LB books and just finished reading all of them. My BH is reading LB and has read SSA. We are planning on doing the workbook 5 steps to Romantic love. Of course when we talk about all the stuff in those books the focus will be on the A right? For example in LB's liers how I lied during the A and after to cover things up.

The harsh responses I got helped me take more responsibility for my choices. Thank you for the help.

TF, the key to UA time is that it should be mutually enjoyable. If you have UA time scheduled, but spend that time talking about the A, then it will withdraw love units from both of you. That said, it's still the elephant in the room. So, how do you deal with it?

Some suggestions are if your BH has lingering questions about the A, to schedule a block of time - say, 30 minutes or an hour - to discuss those. Do not make it part of your UA time. Another alternative is buy a notebook. When your BH has questions, triggers, thoughts, he writes them in the notebook and leaves it in a spot for you. You write your response, your thoughts, etc and then leave for him.

I took a poly as well, but you don't get those "why"/"how could you" answers from a poly. And while MB's explanation, that any of us are vulnerable to commit adultery, given the right conditions, is logical, it's perfectly natural for a BS to still question the why and how. I see it like this: my H trusted me, set me on a pedestal, set me apart. I was supposed to be different. It rang hollow to him that I committed adultery because of a perfect storm of p*ss-poor boundaries, unmet EN's, and allowing my EN's to be met by a person of the opposite sex - one who had a previous account in my LB$, to boot. I wasn't supposed to be like that...I was different.

Shame, I thought I was different, too.

AD is high on the list for many men. He especially needs to hear how you admire him after your A. AF came much easier to me than AD...but things like asking his advice can be AD, valuing his opinion, compliments (no fake gushy stuff, just be real - thank him for being a provider, notice things he does around the house or with the kids and compliment him)...complimenting him to third parties, like your girlfriends or family members. Instead of "husband bashing," talk about something wonderful he's done.

You've really got to "prime the pump," and there are going to be times it will be hard. You will get to the point where you know when your H is triggering...even though my H and I are separated because of my adultery, I still know when there is something bothering him. You are more fortunate that I in that hopefully, since you are working on recovery, that during those moments you can minister to his hurt. It doesn't have to mean you have an emotional holocaust of a discussion about the A. It could be something as simple as him letting you take his hand, and asking if there is anything you can do for him today.

I am having a very difficult time I can't seem to please my H! I am following the EP's and talking to him about everything. He tells me he hate the everyday usual stuff (like I went to the grocery store today)well I never really leave the house for anything else. He tells me that our marriage is what we should focus on and talk about, I am not avoiding that like I did before. I never wanted to talk about the A, just move on. He wants me to help him. I listen to him expressing the pain I caused him. I tell him I'm sorry, I will never hurt him again, I am committed to doing everything in my power to be honest, that I love him. I show him affection he doesn't want it.

He told me a couple of days ago he did not want to sleep with me at least that night because he does not want to deal with the images of me with other men, that I put in his mind.(that happened before I knew him and before I married him and he had that information before) the poly confirmed this. So the last few nights he has slept on the sofa. Last night I asked him if he would be coming to bed and I real want to have us sleep together, this was after a night of him expressing he has no love for me. I am sorry that I hurt him. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He says the door is closing he feels nothing for me. That I need to fight for my marriage like I fought to continue my A. That I was willing to lose everything even my soul. He is so resentful (which I understand) I am depressed because I am a disappointment to him, I know I have been.

He said "The reason he married me was because he thought I would be faithful to him and now that I was not he has nothing left to feel for me."

Last night I slept on the sofa next to him just to be close to him. I desperately want things to change I think all day long about what can I do to make him happy?

What can I do the help him?

Ask him daily:

"Is there anything I can do for you today?"
Then, follow through.
If he answers "No." .... You respond "Let me know if you think of anything."

Read SAA aloud to each other.
Admire him.

When was D-day? Please remind me.

And, by D-day I mean the date he knew the entire truth.

My BH posted this:

BH Late for the Sky
FWW Trueform
DD 15,DS's 20,18,12
Rolling DDay 1.8.12, 2.7.12, 3.6.12, 3.7.12, 1.20.13, ....
Married 21 years
EA 9/09 to 1/12


I had some really bad counsel from a priest that told me not to reveal any information. For a month he knew about an email, then about a month later in counseling with this priest I told him a little more, but not much. My H was extremely angry after that information came out; I left for a retreat house when I came home after 4 days my H was very much changed he was welcoming. I was only a little open and still getting bad counsel. A month later I give my H the cell phone records. A day later I found MB told my H I meet OM for dinner. We have countless time going over things but mostly him talking. Then I posted on here in Jan.2013. Some more details came out.

So can you understand that your BH just finally has all the information little over a month ago?

He needs you to drive the recovery bus. He needs just compensation from you.

Are you scheduling your UA time? How much are you getting?

...BH just finally has all the information little over a month ago...

...and suffered through a year of "...and...and...and...and..."

1) Not sure of the arithmetic here, but certainly the reduction of resentment cannot take one month if the period of increase in resentment took over a year!

2) Putting yourself in LftS's place, how comfortable should he be that he finally has the entire story? Waiting for the last shoe to drop while living under a family of octopi must be impossible.

3) You might have killed the marriage, TF. It happens; not all recoveries are reconciliations. The damage is so great the BS bleeds out despite the WS's efforts to stanch the wounds.

This is why trickle truth is horrendous. As kids we are taught to tell the truth and the outcome wouldn't be as bad. However, dishonesty magnifies the negative actions. We all know it but some reason people still do it. I pray that you can fix your marriage but understand if your BH doesn't want to fix it that is his choice. You should respect it. On the not so grim side, you should email the radio show. Dr. H has good methods on dealing with anger and resentment. You both should go on but only if your BH is willing. Remember God forgives, people don't.

Please listen to the radio clips on this thread.

Resentment Type A and Type B

Also here.
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

I wasn�t going to post to you as your story has brought back many bad memories from my FWW�s A and also..trickle truth and a FR. Unfortunately, I know exactly where your H is mentally and can totally relate to his pain.

However, I do see you have a wiliness to try to make things right so I thought I would offer my 2 cents for what it is worth for the benefit of you hopefully being able to be the source of his healing. I do this for him not you.

A dose of reality:

Your husband right now is in true misery. His heart has broken in two. Your actions and decisions have drained your LB account with him and most likely he has fallen completely out of love with you and I don�t blame him. Same thing happened to me. His whole world has collapsed around him and sees YOU as the source of his pain. Every time he looks at you he feels agony. He sees you as the reason for all of this.

Did he make mistakes in the M? I would almost guarantee it. That is not the point today.

The only way you stand a chance in even starting the R process is to let this situation breath by proving to him you are serious about helping him with his pain. How you do this is by first following the MB program by the letter of the law. Second, you are going to have to PROVE to him you are sincere in your efforts by most importantly not pushing him right now and settling into a mindset of extreme patience.

You are going to have to play your cards perfect if you are going to win him back. I don�t feel a bit sorry for you but I do feel the pain of your H. �You need to realize the extent of his pain to start to recognize the soft steps you are going to need to take.

This is NOT about you anymore. It is completely about him. He sees you as an extraordinarily selfish person and does not believe you have his best interest in mind. Eventually, he may decide to R and get serious about meeting your needs. That isn�t going to happen now..

Get SAA out now and plot your course step by step starting with EP�s. You are going to have to make massive effort step by step and expect nothing from him in return right now.

Get out a piece of paper..write down the details of the A including time tables. GET IT ALL OUT NOW. Hold nothing back. Sit him down and go over everything..every detail..let him ask you the questions he needs answers to and be 100% honest. period.
This is STEP 1.


Are you prepared to spend the next 2-5 years making this right?

If not, I say just let him go. Do not put him through one more day of misery unless you are ready to go the distance. You owe him that.

Expell the thoght from your mind today that you are going to protect yourself from the fallout of the A anymore.