Hi,

I've never posted to a forum before, so this is all very new to me, but then again, so is surviving an affair. I found out last night (on Valentine's Day, of all nights!) that my WW (is that the right short code? again, I'm new to all this) has been sleeping with another man. We have been married for 10 years and have a two year old daughter, but things have been pretty rocky over the past few years. A lot has changed in our lives with new jobs, new baby, new house, etc. and the stresses have really taken a toll. We would occasionally "talk" about our problems and consider seeing a counselor, but never really took the steps. (hindsight, as they say...)

My WW is a college professor and has been a little more than chummy with some of her students in the past, but one in particular started dominating her time and attention, and I started seeing the signs of an affair last month when phone records showed odd-hour phone calls and her GPS tracking showed her at his house. She ultimately screwed up when she ditched work yesterday to see him at his house, and I found out on her cell phone GPS. I confronted her about it last night and she confessed to the whole thing. She told me it had been going on for a little over a month and that she wanted it to stop immediately.

This is very fresh and I'm still shaking after a night of tremendous pain, anger, crying, and no sleep. My wife says she wants to repair this, and I believe her. I think I do too, which is why I've been reading sites like this all morning. I'm learning the first steps to recover here, and I thank you all for posting support.

One of the hardest things for me to cope with right now is the intense emotions. I am not a very emotional guy (which I am understanding is one of the things my wife was lacking in our relationship), but right now, I am furious and want to destroy everything in sight, but I also want to curl up in a ball in the corner and hide. I feel immense responsibility for the affair, so much so that I found myself apologizing as much as my WW last night, but at the same time, I have this vengeance inside that just wants to lash out at her and blame her for everything.

I love my wife more than anything, and I really do want things to work, and so I'm trying to walk that fine line of being assertive and holding her responsible while also showing her my love and support so we can reconcile things.

Again, this is all very new and fresh in the reconciliation and recover process. I am looking forward to continuing talks tonight about where we go from here, including how to make sure she never sees OM again. I plan on helping her understand her potential addiction to him and how we can fight that together. I'm not sure about the whole exposure thing, because I really believe this is a one-time mistake, and I get the feeling the exposure tactic is for WSs who are continuing the affair or potentially plan to.

I'm not really sure how we are going to work things out with her job. As I mentioned, the OM is a student in a lab she oversees. It is possible for him to leave the lab without consequence for either him or my wife, but I don't know if we should be exploring her potentially leaving her job over this. My initial thought is to see what happens when she tries to sever ties with OM, but waiting and putting responsibility on her is the wrong thing to do.

I've gone on to much in this one post (forgive me, I'm a writer by trade, and so maybe this typing is therapeutic in some sense), but I hope anyone here at the forum can provide support.

Thanks,

Bonfire,

Welcome to MB. It is the best place to be to recover a marriage after an affair. The first step is to bust up the affair. Re-read what you wrote. You found her at his house YESTERDAY. This is an active affair. The best chance at busting up an affair is to expose it. In this case, your wife has abused her supervisory position. Expose the affair and yes, she needs to leave her job.

AM

Start reading everything in this link *** START HERE *** .

IMPORTANT:

Do not share this MB forum/site with your WW (wayward wife) .... not for awhile.

Immediately, your WW should gladly and with gratitude do the following:

1. Give you all her passwords to every device she has access to.
2. Schedule herself for a complete STD screening as well as a pregnancy test.
3. Go with you to both extended families (yours and hers) and confess to them that she has been adulterous. WW needs to ask all of them to support YOU and your efforts to rebuild a better marriage bond. This is NOT to shame her, but to hold her accountable to the facts. The more people who are helping her, the better this will go.
4. Write a firm NC (no contact) letter to OM. You read/approve it, she signs it. You mail it together.

More later .......

Adultery does not just happen. Adultery is a series of conscious decisions made in secrecy with full knowledge of wrong-doing.

A "mistake" is an error in arithmetic.

You need to know this. She is still very much a risk.

You need to know this. This was not your fault. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

You claim to have been reading threads on this site for a while.

Even if you are a "rookie", you can probably expect some of the advice you're about to get.

A slightly more experienced reader would know that he himself will immediately react to some of the advice by protesting, "We can't do that!", or "That's not necessary in our case; we're SPECIAL!"

A more fully invested student of this site would be able to nod sagely at all the instances where the "protesters" from the second segment will have returned here fairly quickly, moaning, "I blew it. I should have listened. The situation just a)happened again, or b)got worse!"

A truly well-educated visitor would also be able to reference the dozens of recent posters here who actually followed through with all the advice, killed the infidelity, and started recovery on their marriage.

So, friend, which are you to be?

Anyway, your first step is to expose and reveal your WW's infidelity to as wide an audience as possible. This, since it was pursued and consummated on her job, will necessarily involve her superiors, and most of her peers.

Your WW will have to leave her job. Firstly, there's no way you can guarantee that POSOM will politely excuse himself indefinitely and permanently from her presence, and secondly, the exposure being done as comprehensively as will be recommended would leave her well-known as "Professor Round Heels" in her immediate academic community.

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully, to their own discomfiture. As indicated, those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

And, oh yes, WW will have to make appointments for both of you for a complete set of STD screens. Immediately, and then again in about six months. Until then, no unprotected sex.

As for your mental state:

I am furious and want to destroy everything in sight...I have this vengeance inside that just wants to lash out at her and blame her for everything.

These are healthy reactions to being betrayed in the most heinous way possible. DO NOT ACT on them, however. Having a DV complaint tangling up your recovery is NOT helpful. I know.

..I also want to curl up in a ball in the corner and hide. I feel immense responsibility for the affair, so much so that I found myself apologizing as much as my WW last night...

These emotions should be processed and disposed of with great dispatch. There is never a legitimate excuse for boning someone beside one's spouse. There. Done.

Mother's Day will never be the same for me, if that makes you feel any better.

Bonfire,

but things have been pretty rocky over the past few years.

Possibly they were rocky because she was having affairs, it's really easy to see it the other way around. This might not be her first one.

One of the things can happen is that during an affair the cheating spouse starts hating the loyal spouse because the loyal spouses decency makes them feel guilty. So the cheating spouse blows up about anything since they know deep down how much worse they are behaving, the best defense being a good offense.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks all,

I'm admittedly a little naive here, but things are progressing. WW deleted her email account today, blocked all text messages, and is working on a NC letter now. OM is on a business trip in rural Alaska, so the NC letter will not be seen by him for another week, but she agreed to eliminate anyways he can contact her during that time and has agreed to not contact him.

I know many immediately think the worst, and I probably should too, but I may be blinded by my continued love for her. I honestly believe this is the only instance, and her discussion about it with me has been frank and forthright (a little more than I've been comfortable with to some degree). She is typically not the type to hide things from me, and when she does, it's usually done sloppily. I feel like this has been more of a cry for help, and she wanted me to find out about it. As I mentioned, I saw the signs of the affair almost instantly when it began, so I don't think that there is evidence for me to suspect earlier affairs. Our rocky relationship has stemmed from my inability to satisfy her emotional needs, and while that is not grounds for her affair, it is the reason we've been having problems, and we both contacted a marriage counselor today to address that.

Meanwhile, on the exposure front, I have told my extended family and plan to tell hers as well. OM is not married. She also told me today that OM has told her to return and make things work with me, and she thinks this won't be a difficulty on his side (but he's also a snake-charmer, so I take this with a grain of salt). However, we discussed the idea of her withdraw today and she admitted that it's going to be difficult for her to cut ties with him, because she'll miss him. This ripped my heart out again, but I told her to compare that to how much she'll miss me, and I think that sank in.

While I have not mentioned the site/forum, I did tell her that I whole-heartedly believe we can recover from this and repair the faults in our marriage. She admitted that she didn't think that was possible, but wanted to give it a try and was enthusiastic about working with a marriage counselor. I should mention too that WW's family has a history of mental illness, and there are clear signs of depression and possibly bi-polar in my wife. For the longest time, she refused to see a therapist for fear of being officially diagnosed, but I think the stress and anxiety of the A and the difficulties with our marriage have pushed it to a head, where there are real concerns regarding suicide. She sees this and is frightened by it, enough that last week she made an appointment to see an individual therapist.

One final note in response to some of the replies, I have not exhausted the forum yet, only some of MB's articles. I want to be the guy that takes some of your harsh advice and works to make this better. My wife also has expressed a desire to quit her job and leave the state (we do not have any friends/family/support group here and we both feel that this has contributed to our breakdown. Moving closure to our families may help that, and at least my family as already expressed a desire to help us through this no matter what).

Oh, and MikeStillSmiling, thanks for that one. Oddly it does make me feel better, but I am also sad for you.

Hi bonfire, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here. The first step towards recovery of an affair is to end all contact with her OM for life. Will your wife be quitting her job now? Without that first step, you cannot go to the next step.

And I would strongly advise you to get Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair, and follow the program in there. Marriage counselors have no idea how to save a marriage after an affair and are destructive to marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

What will you do when some "counselor" tells you and your wife that you should try a "trial separation" to "test your feelings?" That is just one example of the destructive advice that counselors have given other posters here. Or that continued contact with the affair partner was acceptable? Your marriage would be safer if you just went and got massages or pedicures.

p.s. Marriage Builders is completely different from any other marriage program in that is has a step by step plan to recover from infidelity with the goal of restoring the romantic love to the marriage. No other program is designed like this.

How old is the OM?

If you go to a marriage counselor she will use it as opportunity to complain about mistakes of the past.
I've been there. Many people have been there and marriage counselors don't know how to deal with affairs.

Let's summarize the important points.

Exposure
Your family - yes.
Her Family - In process? When? By YOU, right? NOT by WW!
Her Workplace - ?
Friends, sorority sisters, etc - ?

Extraordinary Precautions
NC Letter - In process. Really? Download an example from here and have her write it out. 30 minutes, tops!
E-mail - Deleted (but another one can be arranged in about two minutes)
Texts - Blocked
Cell Phone - No mention - did she block his number for calls?
Keylogger - Get it on her computer sending reports to your e-address. DO THIS SURREPTITIOUSLY!
LEAVING JOB - Discussing won't cut it for long. THIS MUST BE DONE!

Wasting Time, Commitment, and $$$ - All to Be Halted
Non-MB Marriage Counselor
Discussing/pursuing her mental/emotional "issues"
Discussing (now) your "contributions" to the environment that enabled her affair

Addressing these items is what is referred to here as a "Plan". "Plans" have a chance at success. "Hopes" have no such chance.

Bonfire,

MelodyLane is one of the best posters in this section. Take her advice and order Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". Overnight or 2nd Day -- you need it fast. You will need to keep this book hidden from your WW, at least for now. Read the first 80 something pages right away. It's presented more level than what us abused people on the forums post, and it will give you greatly improved understanding for your situation and what you can do.

Also, MelodyLane is probably right about most counselors. Since your wife is receptive to doing something to repair your relationship, you should also order 2 extremely helpful books for both of you to read: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The prices for all these books are quite low on Amazon. I am not trying to plug these books, but you are right, it is not just she that needs (must) make changes, but also you need to make changes too. These books will give you both a great chance to get on the right track once and for all.

I can tell how much you love your wife; I am similar to you in my feeling for mine. And remember, even though you need to make changes, nothing justifies what she did. It was her duty, long before the affair, to communicate how she was feeling and work together with you to find healing and new love.

I wish someone had pointed me to MB long ago and given me and my wife those 2 books right when we married, as sort of a marriage manual, and insisted, even demanded, that we read them right away, no matter how much we thought we didn't need them. I think it would have saved me (and my wife) a lot of grief.

There is one other thing that many here hesitate to post, and that is it may be that your wife has drifted far from God. There is great healing possibility here, so don't discount it.

Stay strong, act, consult with friends, don't feel too rushed, but gradually get new habits going for you both. Openness (zero privacy is good!), no contact with OM, and connecting time with just you and your wife are critical.

Thanks kinglui, your response has been by far one of the best I've seen on this forum. I have to say, the tone of responses on these forums from complete strangers is pretty horrific and has me reeling at a time when I am more vulnerable than I've ever been. And while I may be here to seek advice on how to survive, I'm also here to seek support from people who have gone through what I'm going through. And with regards to most of the responders on here, I am certainly not getting that. I'm not really one to take advice from total strangers, and so a lot of the comments I'm seeing here are being taken with a grain of salt. Frankly, it is making me question the value of the forum at all and why I keep returning (probably why I never participated in forums before now).

That said, I still feel posting here is helpful, if for nothing else than it allows me to share my story as a kind of catharsis. And I am following MB principles in so much as I subscribe to them. I know that statement will get a lot more snarky responses from some repliers, but so be it.

I will continue updating my progress with surviving an affair: My WW and I have had some amazing discussions over the past 40 hours with very little sleep. I feel like, despite the pain she has caused me, I am beginning to understand more about my WW than I have in the past few years, and she in turn is learning more about me. We are both finding comfort in the fact that we can rebuild our marriage and are excited about starting a new chapter in our lives.

Will that new chapter include additional fallout from this affair? I'm sure it will, but we are currently locking up outlets for allowing the affair to continue. WW wrote her NC letter and I was very happy with it, helping her use some of the template from this site (and don't worry, I didn't let her see the site or tell her where the template was from). I have finished exposure to all of our family (with regards to the question about what I meant about currently exposing to her family, I should explain that they are difficult to reach and communicate with, as they are out of the country and in a rural environment). She is aware of exposure to the family, and has not been angry with me. On the contrary, she feels that this is all necessary and she wants to be open with our loved ones. To let you know, each and every one has been glad we told them and are enthusiastic to help us work through this and save our marriage, and I couldn't be happier to have such a wonderful support group.

I also exposed the affair to her coworkers, which may have been one of the most difficult things I've done. I haven't heard back from them yet, but I trust their support, as my WW has mentioned that some of them suspected and already cautioned her against the A (a shame she didn't heed their advice early on).

Regarding WW quitting her job, I really don't think it's required in this case. While the affair was born out of her work, it is not a part of her work and I cannot see the option of backsliding continuing because of work. Provided the OM respects the demands of NC, he should not be around WW at work. As I mentioned, he has not received the NC letter yet and does not know about my discovery or my WW's desire to end the A yet. Things will certainly change once he is back in the state and is aware of what has been going on.

That said, and with regards to more exposing, OM is not married, in his late 20's, and lives with his parents. I am working on exposing to his mother, and I think I have found contact info. I will try to call her tomorrow to tell her what her son has been doing, and this may lead to OM knowing about all this before coming home.

Regarding the marriage counselor, both WW and I are in agreement to work with a LMFT who believes in maintaing our marriage and respects our values. We have agreed to be clear that we are only seeking counseling on how to rebuild the love and respect we lost in our marriage, and not how to overcome the affair. I'm not sure about finding an MB therapist, but I will say that the therapist we have started working with agrees with many of the same principles found in Dr. Harley's books and website. But, again, I tend to take advice with a grain of salt, and this is merely a trial with the counselor. If it becomes obvious she is not helping us, we will pull out and go get those massages and pedicures. :-)

Again, I'm sure many of you reading this are shaking your head and are busily typing an angry response, which I'll no doubt read and become momentarily confused on my journey through recovery. And there is a chance that my next post won't be so optimistic and you'll have your opportunity to say "I told you so", which may be at my expense but will also serve as a documented tale for you to use to bolster your guiding principles. And while I'm not disparaging those principles, and in fact agree with the core steps outlined here and in the books, I more appreciate your support rather than your cynicism. Until then, I am now going to go hug my wife, tell her I love her, and get some much needed sleep. I will read your replies and take them into consideration, but I will post once I have another update on my road to recovery and reconciliation.

She needs to quit that job. Continued contact with OM will not help your recovery process. I hate to be harsh but just cause she says so doesn't mean it rings true. Remember she has demonstrated poor boundaries and dishonesty already , what's to make her not do it again? Many people who try to recover while the WS as access to their AP at jobs find out the affair is still on just underground.

WW met OM through that job.

OM will be able to break NC with WW because WW will not leave that job.

Many affairs have restarted because the BH did not have his WW leave her job.

All the people on this thread, and not just kinglui, have come here day after day for a year or more to help others like themselves who have been betrayed. They gave their time to help you, so that you wouldn't make the mistakes that many of them (us) made, such as not exposing or not spying.

If most of the responses on here are not helpful, then please don't be ungracious enough to say that to people who gave up their time for you. It's easy enough to find another forum or to simply stop posting.