That is exactly why you EXPOSE and ask for support in recovering your marriage.

Not exposing is enabling.

Not yet Melody. These are people that I dont really have access to.

You do now, right?

It only perpetuates her fantasy when she is free to lie to anyone. Telling her friends bursts her fantasy and gains support for doing the right thing. This is why exposure to friends and family is so critical. She should have no one left in her life she can lie to about her affair.

This was an interesting 3 day weekend for us. I had caught WW in a couple of lies last week that she adamently denied and I let it rest for a couple of days because we were meeting with our pastors on Monday night. During our meeting, I told them that we fouond a great website called MB and he said that is a very big proponent of MB and his very next assignment for us was going to be to go and read SAA and HNHN together. I was very glad to see that he was already familiar with MB and was on board with the process.

The conversation progressed and I confronted WW on the lies from the past week. She denied them again and then I brought up some specifics that I knew from texts that I have been monitoring. She then admitted to the conversations and didn't know why she was lying. She didn't want to dissappoint me anymore or make me mad so lying was easier than having to explain things. Now that she knows that I'm monitoring her communications, the lies should stop (he says with hope). I told her that I didn't think she would be able to move into the real withdrawal stage until the lies stopped. The sooner that happenes, the sooner she can go thru withdrawal and start feeling like herself again.

We then started talking about EPs and what she was willing to do. She is putting the list together today.

WW found out about the additional exposure that I have done. She commented that she didnt know that I contacted the OMW or additional people in the FD. I reminded her that I said that I would fight to the death for my marriage and if that meant not telling her about my battle plans then she would have to deal with it. She seemed to understand that logic and never really got too upset.

We setup a twice a week meeting with our pastors for now. She wanted to do twice a day after seeing just how bad things are. I responded with a smile because it came from her heart and I now see some hope in her.

Just a small point.
WW will be REQUIRED to do things that make her 'uncomfortable'.

Here's a tip. When WW says "I'm just not comfortable with that." (something required for recovery and to protect the marriage) ..... you response is....


Listen to her response without commentary/review/critique. Do not argue or attempt to teach her anything. This is a mission to explore where WW stands at the moment.

Then, next opportunity, return to the forum and document her response verbatim. This is a critical point. Many women will use the ploy "That makes me uncomfortable."

Please, keep us updated.

All is not lost. It is time to be strong, not nice.

Our pastor was good about not letting the conversation get too far away from her answering the question, "Are you willing to tell the truth in any circumstance, regardless of what it costs you"? She is reluctant because of how easy it has become to lie (her words, not mine). She agreed that we cant go any further until she is willing to do that. That kinda scared her because the ball is now in her court and she has a decision to make. I know it will be a daily decision for her and I'll need to keep my surveilance in place to keep her honest.

We're all rooting for you and your recovery!

Likewise sounds like your pastor is on the ball. I pray that your recovery is successful!

Man, can I get off this emotional rollercoaster? I keep waking up at 4:00 AM and just laying there thinking. It's a dangerous place to be but I cannot get back to sleep. I have no problem getting to sleep at night (probably because I keep waking up at 4:00) but I can't stay asleep. Maybe I'll take something to help me tonight. Tylonol PM and Sam Adams might do the trick...

I can't get the images of WW with OM out of my head.

You need to control your mind.
Stop the images. Change the thoughts

Just a reminder ...
You are in a very tender stage. Your mind is processing the impossible.
Have you spoken to your physician?

I have not spoken to my physician. I'm a pilot and most of the meds that they will prescribe will ground me... Not an option at this point.

Meditation?
Relaxation exercises?
White noise machine?

Are you able to concentrate while doing your job?
Can you get some time off?

My flying is only recreational, not my main job. I'm a software developer by trade and I dont seem to have a problem concentrating at work. It helps take my mind off of this stuff.

I'm exercising more and that tires me out quite a bit. White noise keeps me up. I generally feel really tired when I go to bed and fall asleep very easily. After about 5-5.5 hours, I wake up and can't go back to sleep.

I think you are actually doing well. Just take care of your physical self. Your mind has been shocked.

Thanks PB.

I guess I should probably explain my overreaction/sensitivity to the pilot issue. I used to fly (stewardess) for Pan Am, back in the golden age of air travel. My life was in the hands of our pilots. During my era, they were mostly WWII vets. An amazing group of men. One pilot stands out as being my hero. He saved my life, and everyone else's life making a wild landing in Tahiti during a severe tropical storm. I was always depending on my pilot to be well rested and mentally sharp.

Aside:
Did you see the Denzel Washington movie Flight? Holy crap! I was climbing all over my chair in the theater during their flight plight.

Hopefully, this conversation will distract you for awhile.

I have not seen that movie yet. I wanted to see it in the theater but I missed it. I'll have to wait for the DVD