Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 31 of 72 1 2 29 30 31 32 33 71 72
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
Hang in there RQ, I'm sure the triggers will get less and less as time goes on. Hope the move comes through quickly.


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
Quote
I'm still hoping for a win-win here.
And yet today....

Quote
Mel, even (LongHaul's) posting here directly to his wife is manipulation. He is not looking for help. He is posting to say "SEE I'M DOING WHAT YOU ASKED! NOW GET OFF MY BACK AND LET ME GET BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE" - BP


He reminds me of someone else I know... - RQ
I might suggest that posting a gratuitous dj for MB-public consumption would NOT be the optimal way to engender a spirit of cooperation from Kiss.

T/j. NG do you think that was a DJ on my part? I'm struggling with the difference between making a good inference or a DJ. I really think LH is misusing the forum.


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
BP, no, not at all. The difference is HUGE as regards who is making the comment. You and I can call anyone else on this site a knuckle-dragging moron, or anything else, because the target is NOT part of a supposed marital union with us. Avoiding DJs is to be strictly followed within the marriage.

Example, while driving, addressed to spouse:

1) That driver doesn't know the first thing about safe operation of a motor vehicle and should have her license yanked.

2) You don't know the first thing about safe operation of a motor vehicle and should have your license yanked.

Do you see the difference in the potential harm?

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
Originally Posted by unwritten
About moving forward: recently someone said to me "There is a reason a car has a small rearview mirror and a big front window. Because you should be looking forward much more than you look behind." When I start to think of the history (not just the A's but the other things my little devil of resentment want me to remember so that I know H doesn't deserve to be happy!) I actually think of the big car window. LOL. I'm a dork. But it works for me. I think of the big car window and it causes my mind to focus.

I also like to think about the people who inspire me. There are the negative people who carry resentment and bitterness for years, for every thing that has negatively impacted them in their past. Trudge around, crabby face, well you know my dad died when I was 20 and then I didn't get to go to college, and then blah blah blah (this is my FIL, he is 70+ now, so basically he has wasted a LIFEtime because he is bitter that his dad died when he was young and it changed his life plan). Then there are the people who just have sunshine around them, and no matter what negative thing falls into their lap, they take the small silver lining, count their blessings, and live. The latter are the ones that inspire me. Inspire me to BE that person!

But yep its hard. Big front car window.

But not Kiss's car window. That car needs to GO. And that wine situation was absolutely a complete lack of care. COME ON KISS, there was NO OTHER BOTTLE of wine in the whole store? And there are NO OTHER STORES in all of New York for you to get a bottle of wine from? Make sure you are honest about how inconsiderate that is. Then, big window.

Unwritten, somehow I missed this post earlier. I will try to picture that big front window. I think I am doing that sometimes. Like V'day, for example, last V'day was HORRIBLE for me. But, THIS V'Day is mine! Mine and Kiss'. I'm not going to think about last year, just this year.

As far as the wine, I asked for Moscato. Apprently he could only find it by that winery. However, he should have left the bottle behind as he got me a bottle of Reisling too.

I counted up our UA time for the week and so far it sucks. 2 1/2 hours sunday (church and lunch after) and about an hour or so Monday night just watching TV. He worked the last 2 nights until 11. He works tonight until 8, tomorrow until 8 and saturday until 10. So that leaves us with sunday. I'll have to come up with something to do to make it count.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
RQ
Don't stay in the ditch of regret.
You know what to do! We all have read how strong you are!
Course correct and keep "Moving Forward"

So you Should have exposed more, yep been there!

You Might have asked for more, sure.

Probably should have sold the car...

never mind I'll let that one go!

The plan works, but you have to work the plan!

You know this.

I have so many dents from driving off the path or just idling and getting hit. We have to continue from where we are stuck and THAT Sister is a darn better place than where we started. Right?


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
wle2 #2705266 02/07/13 10:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
wle2, you are so right! I hate when I not only idle but roll backwards. That is why I am glad to have you friends here to give me that boost to get going again.

I need to concentrate more on making what little UA time we get count. Make sure I'm meeting his needs and get rid of those triggers. I need to refocus on the plan and as UW, look through that big front window.

The car will be gone at the end of the month. Kiss will be taking it to Florida and then flying back a few days later. And if that falls through, then it will be on Craigslist...cheap!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
So, right now I am sensing a distance growing between kiss and I. I feel that we are losing focus on our recovery.

Can someone tell me what we should be doing to focus on the mb principles? Is there something weekly that we could be doing to keep us moving forward? I need a plan!

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
So, right now I am sensing a distance growing between kiss and I. I feel that we are losing focus on our recovery.

Can someone tell me what we should be doing to focus on the mb principles? Is there something weekly that we could be doing to keep us moving forward? I need a plan!

15+ hrs a week of UA time! Scheduled together! Planned together! Acted out together!

Do EVERYTHING together

Exclude everything that interrupts doing things together.

If you are going one direction to drop off a kid somewhere, either cancel what your kids are doing or go together!

Do you see? ELIMINATE ALL ACTIVITIES that do not allow for time together.

Eliminate the TV from your home if it prevents you from talking together..... You'll cry out, "but what about my kids"? They will survive. I found after 10 years without a TV in our home that they actually THRIVE!

You've got to be serious about UA time!

It will be a narrow road for a while.... Maybe even for five or ten years, but the road you begin to travel together will broaden without you even noticing and your path will be firm.

UA

UA

UA





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Can someone tell me what we should be doing to focus on the mb principles? Is there something weekly that we could be doing to keep us moving forward? I need a plan!
You should be going out on dates for at least 15 hours per week, and you should be coming home from those dates and snuggling up in bed for even more UA time.

I know it's hard with young kids, but it is the single thing that will make all the difference to the way you feel. You have to move heaven and earth to make it happen.

A major requirement of this programme is that you must abandon the kids and have fun together for several hours every week. What could be nicer?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
So, right now I am sensing a distance growing between kiss and I. I feel that we are losing focus on our recovery.

Can someone tell me what we should be doing to focus on the mb principles? Is there something weekly that we could be doing to keep us moving forward? I need a plan!

15+ hrs a week of UA time! Scheduled together! Planned together! Acted out together!

Do EVERYTHING together

Exclude everything that interrupts doing things together.

If you are going one direction to drop off a kid somewhere, either cancel what your kids are doing or go together!

Do you see? ELIMINATE ALL ACTIVITIES that do not allow for time together.

Eliminate the TV from your home if it prevents you from talking together..... You'll cry out, "but what about my kids"? They will survive. I found after 10 years without a TV in our home that they actually THRIVE!

You've got to be serious about UA time!

It will be a narrow road for a while.... Maybe even for five or ten years, but the road you begin to travel together will broaden without you even noticing and your path will be firm.

UA

UA

UA
Is the message getting through yet, rq?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
So, right now I am sensing a distance growing between kiss and I. I feel that we are losing focus on our recovery.

Can someone tell me what we should be doing to focus on the mb principles? Is there something weekly that we could be doing to keep us moving forward? I need a plan!

15+ hrs a week of UA time! Scheduled together! Planned together! Acted out together!

Do EVERYTHING together

Exclude everything that interrupts doing things together.

If you are going one direction to drop off a kid somewhere, either cancel what your kids are doing or go together!

Do you see? ELIMINATE ALL ACTIVITIES that do not allow for time together.

Eliminate the TV from your home if it prevents you from talking together..... You'll cry out, "but what about my kids"? They will survive. I found after 10 years without a TV in our home that they actually THRIVE!

You've got to be serious about UA time!

It will be a narrow road for a while.... Maybe even for five or ten years, but the road you begin to travel together will broaden without you even noticing and your path will be firm.

UA

UA

UA

X2
RQ, That's where it begins and that's what keeps you engaged.
Get creative!


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,529
Yep - UA time and each of you asking yourselves every morning, "What can I do to meet my spouse's needs today?" and doing it.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

wle2 #2706907 02/17/13 05:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
We can scrape together the hours. For example, kiss is available this Thursday night, Saturday night and he is off on Sunday.

I think our trouble with UA time (besides finding it) is what to do with it. We don't have anywhere we want to go or have anything that we do together. And since I just found out that we owe money ( a lot) in taxes, won't be able to afford anything that costs money.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
We can scrape together the hours. For example, kiss is available this Thursday night, Saturday night and he is off on Sunday.

I think our trouble with UA time (besides finding it) is what to do with it. We don't have anywhere we want to go or have anything that we do together. And since I just found out that we owe money ( a lot) in taxes, won't be able to afford anything that costs money.


Pitiful!

Plenty of excuses!

Walks, sight seeing, art museums, there are soooooo many free things you can do together that your list is actually endless!








Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
We spend at least 8 hours per week doing free stuff in London. If you live in NYC (or do you live outside the city?) there must be a fair amount of free stuff available to you.

We spend about four hours walking. We either start from our house and explore our suburbs, or get on the tube and go into London, or in the car and go out to the nearby countryside. We could never exhaust all there is to see within half an hour of us if we lived here another 25 years. We go for a walk every weekend.

We spend more free time when H meets me in London from work. We go to free art galleries and exhibitions or just for a walk along the river bank. We will spend money on coffee or a snack, but if we were broke we would take food and drink from home.

The most costly thing we do is go for a meal once a week using either the local restaurants that offer cheap lunches, or using Amazon vouchers.

My H's knees have finally given up the ghost after many years of playing football and he can no longer go running outside, but we used to go once a week to one of our local beautiful parks and he would run slowly and chaperone me. Could you do something like this?

Your give-a-.... is busted, and that's what is making you un-motivated. I sympathise with this, but you have to do the UA and then you will quickly feel better.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
We can scrape together the hours. For example, kiss is available this Thursday night, Saturday night and he is off on Sunday.

I think our trouble with UA time (besides finding it) is what to do with it. We don't have anywhere we want to go or have anything that we do together. And since I just found out that we owe money ( a lot) in taxes, won't be able to afford anything that costs money.


Pitiful!

Plenty of excuses!

Walks, sight seeing, art museums, there are soooooo many free things you can do together that your list is actually endless!
HPB keeps getting in minutes or seconds before I do!


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Oh, please stop making this harder than it need be, guys!

You live in Ulster County, so:

Without much snow this winter, pack a thermos of coffee, go to the Mohonk Preserve and walk some of the trails.
Drive to Highland, and walk the Walkway over the Hudson. (Let us know when, and Bride and I will meet you halfway across. I'll be the one with the 2x4!)
Read a book together (poetry is good, especially if you do so with humor!)
ACT OUT a poem together (Jabberwocky is damned difficult!)
Play backgammon, or chess.
Change the oil in your car, together! (That'll save you $$$)
Then, in view of the effects of the dry winter weather, give each other a massage with skin cream.

I don't think, excepting gas, any of these cost a penny!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
NG, I absolutely hate this cold and will not do anything outdoors. So that definitely limits us. Though I love walking the walkway when it's warm smile

The only thing I have found that we both enjoy is puzzles. We just finished one the other night.

Sugarcane, we are a ways from NYC, unfortunately. So local hot spots are few and far between (no art museums or anything similar). I have checked community pages but have yet to see anything spark our interest.

Thanks for all of the suggestions, though!

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 02/17/13 06:28 PM.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
NG, I absolutely hate this cold and will not do anything outdoors.
So drive to something that is free and indoors!


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
How about games? We love games and have purchased many for those bad weather days or just days when we have some down time we want to be together at home. While our favorite games tend to be Euro games, we have played cribbage in bed sans clothes with a glass of wine. And that's pretty enjoyable.

We also started couples dance lessons at a nearby college for just $6 total each week. It's a lot of fun and gets us out of the house. Right now it's on a test basis. I'm the one who loves dancing and H agreed to give it a try. So far, it's turning out to be fun for him, so we'll keep at it until he says otherwise, following POJA on our RC.

We go to the gym together a couple or three times a week for treadmill and weights. Kind of dull, but doing it together definitely makes it more fun.

Granted we are hardly in snowy country like you are, but it gets darned hot in the summertime, and I feel like I'm going to melt into a puddle if we do outdoorsy things from June through September.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Page 31 of 72 1 2 29 30 31 32 33 71 72

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5