Then don't push that issue. Secure finances may be very important to her, so you don't want to come across as unsympathetic.


Your task is to show her otherwise, but at 4.5-hours--and I'm guessing you're being liberal with that estimate--you've got some work to do. I suspect that if you show a concentrated effort here then you'll see some improvement.

What is your daily routine?

6AM - She is up with our oldest to get ready for school.

7AM - I am Up. The oldest gets on the bus at 7:15 AM

7AM - 9AM - We watch the morning news, Play with our two yr old, drink coffee.

9AM-6PM - I am at work. She is home with the little one.

2PM - 6:30PM - She watches some after school kids and our son is home at 3:15PM

6:30PM - 7:15PM - Dinner.

7:15PM - 8PM - She puts the big one to bed, I put the little one to bed / bath / book reading.

8 PM-10 PM - We usually sit around and watch TV or do something else.

10PM - 6AM - Sleep

Weekends are pretty much the same except I don't go to work.

Oh, and I forgot that Wed and Fri we have to keep one of the after school kids till 8:30PM so that cuts into our evening too. So tonight for example, we will be lucky to have an hour together.

Start earlier in the mornings such that you're ready to go when the oldest wakes up at 6. She'll appreciate the extra help. Better yet, you get up with the oldest sometimes and let her sleep in.

Can you guys meet for lunch? Even if the 2-year old is in tow? Or look at some of the mother's morning outs that some churches/daycares offer for little ones. Our middle one is in one Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 8:30 until 1:00 on days following the public school system's calender.

Also, does your wife still want a divorce or where does that stand?

Getting up a little earlier is an option. I do work close enough that I come home for lunch every day, however our 2 yr old is there of course. How do I count that? I'm trying to follow the UA worksheet and the way I understand it strictly is that time with children around does not really count.

As for the MMO thing, it sounds nice. But I do feel better knowing that she is with my daughter all day while I am at work. Since she isn't working, I can say I would be worried about what she was doing all day if she was just home alone. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm paranoid as it is.

You may have me confused with someone else on the divorce thing. She only brought that up in the very beginning. That was a little over a year ago. She doesn't want that anymore although if it weren't for the kids, she would have probably been gone.

Do the best you can but, yes, children can be a disruption. The lack of UA time is a problem that you guys are going to have to get figured out.

Babysitters and vacations are a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce, and if your wife isn't actively trying to get out of the marriage then you have a leg up over most on this forum.

Fight the fight, Kiss and I asked Steve Harley directly about UA time with children. While it isn't optimum, he says that as long as we are able to deposit love bank units and are able to give each other attention, IC, and RC, it DOES count. Just as long as that isn't the only UA time you get.

Well this last post does it.
Every week I read conflicting information between Dr Harley and Steve Harley.

I encourage you to email the radio show. Do not mention you asked Steve Harley and specifically ask dr Harley the same question.

I understood undivided attention to be UNDIVIDED. Meaning no other persons getting your attention. He's talked about this on the radio show.

Here's a radio clip of Dr. Harley explaining what the policy of UA is.

Radio Clip on What is the Policy of UA

Well, I guess I'm confused too. We spend a lot of time together, but we are trying to track our time and I don't know what "counts" and what doesn't. The only times we are really apart is when I am at work, but we have children around most of the other times.

If I go strictly by "no children, no friends, no tv, etc." then we don't get nearly enough time in. If I start counting tv time in the evenings and lunch at home every day with the 2 yr old around, then the time goes up a lot. Heck, under that scenario, I can count a lot of the day Saturday and Sunday.

UA time means Undivided Attention to each other. This is time with each other and no one else. If your little one is in bed and asleep and you and your wife are enjoying some intimate talk and affection, RC, and SF, then that time could be counted as UA time.

There may be plenty of times you and your wife are enjoying some time together, maybe, say, cooking together in the kitchen or on the patio at the grill, and your two-year-old is doing something else, perhaps napping or watching cartoons, you and your wife would be be sharing RC together, but strictly speaking, you could be interrupted at any time, because they are not asleep, so it's not UA time.

UA time is very important to a marriage, even a healthy one. After an affair or in attempting recovery of a neglected marriage, a minimum of 20 - 25 hours a week of UA time is strongly recommended.

You can still have fun when your children are around, but it's not UA time, because you certainly couldn't be engaging in SF. Depending on the age, even RC is very difficult.

When you and your wife start making this UA time a habit in your lives, it will become the most enjoyable hours of your week and neither of you will want to give it up for anything.

How goes it?

Hey, thanks for asking.

Well, for the moment things seem to be a little better believe it or not. I've been doing my part to follow what Dr. Harley and others here have advised me to do. I've also been slowly working my way through the book Love Busters.

Areas of concentration on my part have been no DJ or AO and showing lots of affection. I've been very careful and deliberate with this over the past few weeks and it IS making an impact. It's a very slow thing, but little by little I see little glimmers here and there. Interesting stuff.

My wife has been a little under the weather the past few days, so our UA time this week has suffered, but I did get a chance to show affection by caring for her and taking up the slack on things she usually does around the house.

Tonight, we have a date with the kids out of the house for a few hours. We are going to stay in and watch a movie and have popcorn.

Tomorrow, (Saturday), I have a babysitter coming so we can get out of the house for about 4 more hours. We are going to see some live music as that is something we both enjoy.

We still need to find a way to get more "official" UA time in. I do my best to meet EN as often as I can even if it's not UA time.

As far as my need for SF, it's something I've backed off for now with the idea being that I will evaluate how things are improving or not in the next couple of weeks before doing any complaining.

Good to hear, keep it up. Though your time is, obviously, limited, try to come up with something interactive that y'all can do this evening...make brownies before the movie or something that will give you something to talk about before you're distracted by the movie.

Hope all goes well, have a good weekend.

Here is something else that happened this week that I thought was encouraging. I'm sitting at work and out of the blue she sends me a text says "They are talking about the giver and the taker on the show". I thought to myself, "Wow, she is lsitening to the MB radio show. Cool!" And then we had a chance to talk about what was said when I got home.

I don't know what happened but I'm in a funk again. Sorry if some of this is "too much information" but I need to get it all out there because this is an issue that is really fouling things up for me.

Friday night, we stayed in and watched our movie. The kids went to a neighbors house. We made dinner together and then drank some wine and watched the movie. It was good. Picked up the kids and then put then to bed. They were tired because it was late for them and they went to sleep easily. Then we headed to the bedroom.

Without getting into specifics, she pleases me, but only after making it clear she is not interested in being pleased herself. This really bothers me.

Saturday, I hired a babysitter and we went out for 4 hours so eat and see some live music. We both really enjoyed the evening. This time, when we got home, the babysitter had the kids in bed for us per my instructions. BTW, I love that! It gives us a break from our normal evening routine.

So same kind of thing that evening in bed. She is again clearly not into it and just as I try to initiate some foreplay, she breaks out the lube. I hate that lube. It;s just a big reminder that she is not into it and just wants to lube it up and get it over with. I immediately lost all interest. We didn't fight, and I wasn't angry or mean about it, but I just couldn't be into it after that. Nothing ended up happening.

So those are just two examples, but it's something that is haunting our recovery. Yes I have read Willingness To Desire

This would be so much easier had the affair not happened the way it did. We went so many years with me just accepting that my wife had little desire for sex, only to have her pursue her AP so aggressively for sex. Maybe it was love driving it as this site professes, but it seems that there was something else going on there.

I mean the guy basically used her. All he had to do was call her up on her work phone and she would be right down to service him on demand. And she pined for him so much. There was all of this "he looks so good I just want to run my hands all over his chest" and "I can't think straight" and "Why doesn't he want it more, we used to do it every day"

The short of it is her A consisted mostly of giving BJs to a guy who didn't give a crap or really need to initiate anything. And for some reason she was turned on by it. And that is still lingering in the back of my mind every time she is not interested in me sexually.

I'm afraid I'll never get past that.

Everything you state will continue to be a problem unless your UA time is at least 20+ hours per week.

Immediately get with your wife and schedule your 20+ hours for this week ... then next Sunday tell us how your Sex life is ...

Rinse and Repeat for three months ... then come back and tell us about your sex life.

Nothing will change unless the core of the program is followed.

UA
POJA
PORH

Cheerio...

There is one thing to you can place your money on ... your Sexual Fulfillment with your wife will be intimate.

Her affair sex was cooties ... Know the difference!!!

"BH - me (37)
WW - her (37)
Married June 24, 2000
DS 5 yrs
DD 2 yrs
D-Day 1: Sept 11, 2011, 11 month PA.
D-Day 2: Oct 17, 2011
She left her job Dec 17, 2011.
Found her secret email account Feb 22, 2012.
More TT about second OM, EA.
NC since
No real plan up till finding MB, Jan 2013."

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

What you thought was recovery was you just in hold on mode.

You did not start recovery till finding MB Jan 2013.