Again, I'm sure many of you reading this are shaking your head and are busily typing an angry response, which I'll no doubt read and become momentarily confused on my journey through recovery. And there is a chance that my next post won't be so optimistic and you'll have your opportunity to say "I told you so", which may be at my expense but will also serve as a documented tale for you to use to bolster your guiding principles. And while I'm not disparaging those principles, and in fact agree with the core steps outlined here and in the books, I more appreciate your support rather than your cynicism. Until then, I am now going to go hug my wife, tell her I love her, and get some much needed sleep. I will read your replies and take them into consideration, but I will post once I have another update on my road to recovery and reconciliation.

Regarding WW quitting her job, I really don't think it's required in this case.

Thanks kinglui, your response has been by far one of the best I've seen on this forum. I have to say, the tone of responses on these forums from complete strangers is pretty horrific and has me reeling at a time when I am more vulnerable than I've ever been. And while I may be here to seek advice on how to survive, I'm also here to seek support from people who have gone through what I'm going through. And with regards to most of the responders on here, I am certainly not getting that. I'm not really one to take advice from total strangers, and so a lot of the comments I'm seeing here are being taken with a grain of salt. Frankly, it is making me question the value of the forum at all and why I keep returning (probably why I never participated in forums before now).

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details." here

And I am following MB principles in so much as I subscribe to them. I know that statement will get a lot more snarky responses from some repliers, but so be it.

But, being a writer, I'm sure bf1 can spin us a good story.

Did I make the right decision exposing? Should I really listen to Dr. Harley's advice and ignore my wife's trauma in this? Where is their room to mend the marriage, overcome the affair, and help my wife's depression?

Did I make the right decision exposing? Should I really listen to Dr. Harley's advice and ignore my wife's trauma in this? Where is their room to mend the marriage, overcome the affair,

This morning I checked my wife's email, and he has continued to try to contact her. She hasn't seen these emails, and I've been deleting them. But I was wondering if I should contact him and tell him to stop. I don't think it should be my wife, but I don't know how he'll respond if it came from me.

That email account needs to go. Even after the OM receives your wife's NC letter, you cannot trust that he will just never send her an email to the address he has always used out of good faith. You need to close ALL avenues of possible contact.

Also, I just want to be clear that my WW is not depressed simply because of the affair, and that she has been suffering from depression for some time (realistically, all of her adult life).