Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
C
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
Hi...long time listener, first time caller. I've been reading MB since back in 2007 when I found out my exhusband was having an affair. I wish I would have followed the principles to the T back then and it would have saved me tons of heartache.

Long story longer...I found out, we started counseling, he said it was over with her, then with me. He filed for divorce, I was doing fine then he came back. We got back together only to find out a year later he had numerous affairs (2 with very good close friends of mine), craigslist ads...and the list goes on and on. In May of 2010 I finally (yes I know, about time) said enough and made him move out and we divorced. I haven't seen him since then (our divorce was over quickly) although we've emailed a couple times and he still never showed remorse.

The lies that I lived with for those 4 years were BEYOND cruel. I became the best PI ever and found out more than I ever needed or wanted to know. Since then, I have been in several dating relationships and never fully trusted - most with good reason as it seems today there are very, very few with boundaries when it comes to relationships (the last one that ended this summer and I had found out only days before I officially ended it that he was seeing my daughter's boyfriend's mom...nice huh?)

Flash forward to end of September, 2012. I had wore off relationships and was going to just have fun and create a foundation of friendships...kinda like the 30 date philosophy...just take some time and have fun. Well, I ended up meeting someone 12 yrs younger than me from a meetup site...(I'm 43, he is 31) I was very tough in saying 1) I wasn't interested in dating and 2) other than being friends, he was WAY too young. I have 3 kids (24, 18 and 17 and 1 grandbaby). He has 2 little girls (3 and 5) and he is a sports celebrity of sorts...which really kinda weirded me out. In ONLY talking the first week (before ever meeting up) we learned that we had mutual friends that I've known FOREVER (like since I was a teen) and the husband is one of this guy's best friend. I contacted both of them and they spoke so highly of him...he wasn't a typical guy in that he truly wanted a real relationship. His exwife had cheated on him and done him very badly. They had nothing bad to say about him.

I really really struggled getting past WHY would he want to date a grandma 12 yrs older than him (and he is VERY fit and attractive). Why not someone younger? He basically said, he had been married, had kids that he adored, dated NFL cheerleaders, models etc and while it was cool for a week, there was NO substance to the relationships at all. He had not really had any long term relationships in 2 yrs. We INSTANTLY clicked during the week we talked/texted (like I never have) and that was all before we met. We have been inseparable since then....

Here's my issue (sorry for the short novel)...

I do not trust him.

He has not given me ONE reason not too...at all. I know where he is at every moment. He texts me ALL through out the day. He has told me at any time I can ask for his phone and he will let me go thru it, give me all his passwords etc...but to be honest, I am TERRIFIED to go thru with this because it's a HUGE trigger to me. He has introduced me to ALL his friends, taken me 2000 miles cross country to meet his family and ALL his friends from growing up. He's introduced me to everyone in his sport circle. On Valentine's Day he puts on my Facebook "Happy Valentine's Day! Thank you for being by my side. I love you."...so he's clearly not ashamed of me. He is the one that initiated the "in a relationship" status change on FB...and his FB page (which is also his "fan" page) is LOADED with beautiful, beautiful women that I am sure are his groupies...but I have seen NO cause to doubt him - AT ALL. His best friends have told me that from the beginning he has said/shown that he was crazy about me...and I've heard from more than one that he is happier than they have ever seen.

So why? Why do I (as late as last night) tell him "I don't trust you and I feel you've cheated on me in some way." At first and for a long while, he was patient because he understood why I felt this way...but now that we're going on almost 6 months of him demonstrating he is trustworthy, he is getting offended. I told him that by telling myself he's likely already done it, it makes it easier on me should it happen.

Really?

I am slowly tearing this beautiful man and our relationship apart. I struggle daily with this...I have had panic attacks (I went to the Dr last month and got on Lexapro because it scared me that bad...)

Will I ever be ok? Will I ever learn to trust again?

When someone tells me, "I am a good guy.", will I ever believe it?

Sorry for the length...I have debated for weeks about putting this out there...but know if anyone can help me...you guys can.

xoxo

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
C
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
Let me add to this...from the beginning we both agreed we would not go out alone "with friends". We were very good about both agreeing to boundaries like this....he doesn't attend any of his sport stuff either without me (his choice, not mine). I am very involved in it.

We do stuff together with friends or not at all. A lot of my girl friends don't understand this, but him and I both see the need in it being that way...

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by crazydaisy2013
September, 2012

This relationship is not yet in full bloom.

Quote
So why? Why do I (as late as last night) tell him "I don't trust you and I feel you've cheated on me in some way."

Because you are testing him. It's an immature way to deal with your anxiety.

Quote
he is getting offended

Beyond that, he is probably questioning your emotional stability and your readiness to be in a relationship. You throw your baggage at him enough times he will quit. Then, you can tell yourself; "See! I was right. Men can't be trusted."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always try to sort out the question being asked.
Quote
Will I ever, ever trust again?
Quote
Will I ever be ok?

Will you ever stop throwing your emotional baggage at men?
Can your friend trust you to stop being an emotional roller coaster?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here;s the deal about trusting others:

You will never trust others until you trust your own judgment. Have you ever thought of that?
Do you trust yourself to recognize and know when a relationship is going bad?
Do you trust yourself enough to WALK AWAY from a toxic man?

You accuse an innocent man because you have no faith in your own discernment.

Unconditional trust in others is not a reasonable expectation in life. Dump that idea.
The problem is that you do not trust yourself.
Change is overdue.
Develop a plan.
I suggest you begin a journal.
Every day enter what you have learned to trust about yourself and your own ability to function in a healthy way. Not just pertaining to this relationship, but in every aspect of your life.

((( hugs )))

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Daisy, if your friend ends the relationship it will not be because you did not trust him. It will be because you took the 'LOVE BANK' he has for you, you turned it over, and shook out every deposit you ever made.

Are you familiar with Dr Harley's BASIC CONCEPTS?

** LINK ** to Love Bank

Now, look at love busters.

**LINK** to Love Busters

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Pay special attention to **Angry Outbursts**

You break the HABIT of allowing your anxiety to burst into an AO (angry outburst).

If you do not learn this now, you will fail future relationships as well.

The love bank is what makes us feel attracted to our mate.
Love busters drain our love bank.

Get yourself really smart with all the MB tools, my dear.

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
C
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
Quote
It will be because you took the 'LOVE BANK' he has for you, you turned it over, and shook out every deposit you ever made.

Pep,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I KNEW all this...but I needed it told to me.

Thank you for putting it all in black and white and hitting the nail square on the head.

The biggest issue I've had is that my total gut instinct is what lead me on the day I found out about my exhusband's affair, to look in his bag that day and find the card and gift to her. I was ironing and my instinct told me to look...

With the other relationships I've had, I also followed that instinct and 9 times out of 10 it was right...so even now when it tells me something's not right, I find myself fighting it daily....but then I stop and think, I can't recall one relationship between my ex and now that I DIDN'T ever feel that way...so can I really trust it now when I verify and it all checks out?

This man truly meets my needs in every way, more than anyone ever has....and you've totally opened my eyes (even though I already knew) that I am doing everything I can to destroy and take that for granted.

I'm off to re-read your comments again.


Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996

You are like the rest of us Daisy. You cannot control the outcome. This makes you nervous. What you can control is your own mind and your own attitude.

Take it easy Daisy.
Your whole life is ahead of you for you to enjoy.
Make everyday count.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by crazydaisy2013
September, 2012

This relationship is not yet in full bloom.

Quote
So why? Why do I (as late as last night) tell him "I don't trust you and I feel you've cheated on me in some way."

Because you are testing him. It's an immature way to deal with your anxiety.

Quote
he is getting offended

Beyond that, he is probably questioning your emotional stability and your readiness to be in a relationship. You throw your baggage at him enough times he will quit. Then, you can tell yourself; "See! I was right. Men can't be trusted."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always try to sort out the question being asked.
Quote
Will I ever, ever trust again?
Quote
Will I ever be ok?

Will you ever stop throwing your emotional baggage at men?
Can your friend trust you to stop being an emotional roller coaster?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here;s the deal about trusting others:

You will never trust others until you trust your own judgment. Have you ever thought of that?
Do you trust yourself to recognize and know when a relationship is going bad?
Do you trust yourself enough to WALK AWAY from a toxic man?

You accuse an innocent man because you have no faith in your own discernment.

Unconditional trust in others is not a reasonable expectation in life. Dump that idea.
The problem is that you do not trust yourself.
Change is overdue.
Develop a plan.
I suggest you begin a journal.
Every day enter what you have learned to trust about yourself and your own ability to function in a healthy way. Not just pertaining to this relationship, but in every aspect of your life.

((( hugs )))


Really really good stuff Pep

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Originally Posted by Pepperband
You are like the rest of us Daisy. You cannot control the outcome. This makes you nervous. What you can control is your own mind and your own attitude.

Take it easy Daisy.
Your whole life is ahead of you for you to enjoy.
Make everyday count.

Good advice Pep..

Makes me think you are a model or sumpthing..Cuz you seem to be used to being treated like eye Candy or deceived for various reasons

Most of the time that happens to people who are willing to be deceived, and expect it also..for various reasons..also..

I am not on that much, so you cannot expect me to respond..But DR Harley, his amazing staff, and of course the true Blue Posters like Pep and many others here, can be trusted.

I will add this to my watched posts now.

Good luck with the trusting thing..It takes faith..trust in faith..faith in trust..Yeah it goes around n around



Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 691
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 691
I like what Pepperband said.

I would also add to listen to your intuition and if you think something is weird with this guy, it is okay to end things and keep looking. That is what is good about dating as opposed to marriage.


Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
C
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
Quote
Makes me think you are a model or sumpthing..Cuz you seem to be used to being treated like eye Candy or deceived for various reasons

Huh? Not sure where I gave this impression...we do have a huge gap in our ages and for my age, I would be a prize for someone else my age (I don't look 43 at all, but I'm not high maintenance in that I barely work out or wear make up etc) but I wouldn't consider myself eye candy for a 31 yr old (which is what my BF is)...LOL. Sorry - didn't mean to imply that.

To be honest...I haven't met anyone that my intuition doesn't give me a bad vibe on...surely there SOME good out there...that's why I'm wondering if my vibe is tainted and it will just take extra time and effort.

Can I just say what a huge trigger cell phones are for me? When he hands me his to show me something, I handle it like it's about to bite me and I am literally scared to death that I'll hit a button and something I shouldn't see will show up. (Back story: I found tons of bad stuff on my exhusband's phone...several times and then I've dated several people and we've had phone issues (going to show me something on the internet and porn pops up...etc).

Maybe my judgement maker just sucks or there is just really that few of people with boundaries left?

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156


Quote
Beyond that, he is probably questioning your emotional stability and your readiness to be in a relationship. You throw your baggage at him enough times he will quit. Then, you can tell yourself; "See! I was right. Men can't be trusted."

Thanks for this Pepper! I needed to hear this myself. I'm writing your very words down for future reference.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,077
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,077
Originally Posted by crazydaisy2013
I found tons of bad stuff on my exhusband's phone...several times and then I've dated several people and we've had phone issues (going to show me something on the internet and porn pops up...etc).

Maybe my judgement maker just sucks or there is just really that few of people with boundaries left?

I've asked my therapist this very question. She has assured me that there are plenty of "good, decent men" out there. I am taking her word for it because I haven't met any yet. crazy She says that's also because I need to work on myself, my boundaries, etc.

If you have a weird feeling, I would recommend [quietly] following it up. Experience has taught you not to blindly trust. And Dr. Harley is clear that trust is earned - not granted for no reason. This said, I also agree with Pepperband about trusting your own judgment, learning about yourself and your own standards. AND the fact that you cannot control anyone but yourself.

Part of me wonders whether you're really ready for a new relationship yet, given all the hurts you've been through? But you are the best judge of that. smile

You'll do great, CrazyDaisy!


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5