"I have told my best friend who is a dr of psychology and he told...."

Boundaries

Here are some good questions that others have used on the polygraph.

Polygraph Testing

It has been about a month now since I first posted. Here is the story I have now, 1 1/2 year affair with a coworker, didn't meet her at a bar. Confessed to 2 other women both 1 night stands. We are both in IC and will be starting couples soon. He has been begging for a second chance wants to fix us. We were supposed to have couples today but he asked to talk to the therapist alone first because he is my therapist for ic. I guess he wanted to give his side of the story??? So I wasn't in the session at all until the last 5 minutes for a couples homework assignement. Afterwards in the parking lot, he said the following: I think cheating may be in my dna??? I want to be sure I am staying for the right reasons. And my favorite, I don't know if I feel guilty about what I did or if I feel guilty about getting caught. I asked him to move to his parents on DDay, since he has slept on the couch a couple nights a week after putting our daughter to bed, trying to worm his way back home. I want to go full separation and have no contact until he gets himself together...i'm just so confused. Anyone been in this boat? Please help.

Did you expose his affair as we suggested last month?

It is obvious that his affair is still active.

I don't see you doing anything to save your marriage. Going to therapists is a distraction from salvaging your marriage. Going to therapists is a waywards DREAM because it just allows him to prolong his affair while wasting time sitting in a therapists office.

What things have you done to save your marriage? Exposed the affair? Confronted the OW? Has anything been done at all?

Exposed to friends and family. I contacted the other woman. Have full access to phone and all passwords to all email and social websites. GPS on phone. GPS on car that he doesn't know about.

This is a workplace affair. Have you exposed to the workplace? What about the OW's family and friends?

WHO in your family and friends circle did you expose TO? And what EXACTLY did you tell them? Do they know about the affair and does your H know they know?

He works with this OW, doesn't he?

I must have misread, I went back and read again that this is not a workplace affair. But it does sound like the affair is very active since he is still so foggy.

He doesn't work with her anymore, changed jobs during the affair. I made my husband tell everyone himself, not my sins to expose. He told my dad, his parents all of his close friends. My closests friends and 2 of my siblings.

I am sorry you didn't expose it yourself. That was a wasted opportunity to gain support for your marriage. It was your problem to expose since you desperately need the support of your family and friends right now. The reason it was important for YOU to expose is to make certain everyone got the truthful story. Your husband is fogged out and when a selfish, fogged out wayward "exposes" himself, people rarely get the full truth.

Have you verified they all have the correct story?

Are these people supporting you and your husband? Are they using their influence to persuade your husband to commit to this marriage and end his adulterous behavior?

As far as separation, Dr Harley does recommend separation and a very dark Plan B if your spouse won't commit to steps for recovery.

The alarming thing here is that your H is going to "counseling" which is a disaster for marriages suffering from affairs. It is not only a distraction from saving your marriage, but downright destructive when there is an affair. Counselors have no idea how to save a marriage after an affair and since they don't understand the fog of the wayward, have a tendency to make things worse by validating the wayward's foggy notions. Many couples end up divorced when they attend IC and MC, since MC have an 84% failure rate.

Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, on the other hand is a clinical psychologist who specializes in saving marriages after an affair. There is a very, very narrow path to recovery and few counselors have any idea what that path is.

What is his "side" of the story?

It is your responsibility to expose if you want to save your marriage. Are you familiar with MB principals? It sounds like you have been on this site for awhile but your posts don't sound like you are familiar with MB principals.

I want to add that these are the kind of foggy notions that an IC will VALIDATE. The IC's job is to help the client pursue personal desires at the expense of the marriage.

An IC won't try to counter such fogbabble. A good, experienced counselor WOULD. So when a fogged out WS goes to an IC, all of their destructive, selfish notions are VALIDATED.

Are the people around him, family and friends, talking to him about what a horrible, destructive idea an affair is? Or are they justifying his affair? It is somewhat unusual for an "exposed" wayward HUSBAND to not feel guilt unless a) he is still in his affair or b) he is surrounded with enablers.

Have you bought the book Surviving An Affair yet? If not,do so NOW!! If you have not read up on this site, please start now. If you truly want your marriage to succeed you need to educate yourself on MB.

Your H still sounds extremely foggy.

You said:

Quote

i'm just so confused.

Your mind knows every word he utters is a complete load of horse droppings.
Your heart wishes this was not so.

You must base your decisions based on facts. Not wishes.
Don't pay any attention to his words. They are useless to you.
Pay attention to his veracity to DO THE RIGHT THING .... (or, his lack of veracity)

Put a hidden GPS on his vehicle.

Tricia, have you indepedently verified she is not married? Have you seen her facebook page? Done a background check on her?

I guarantee you he is still in contact with her, which explains why he is so foggy. He is still in his affair and keeping you around as an option. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to save your marriage.

Sorry Tricia. This is where this all points. Mel is correct.
Have you consulted with an attorney to educate yourself about spousal support and child support? You may want to at least know where your state laws stand on these issues.