Went on my 4th date today. One I was waiting 4 months on to happen and got cancelled every time.

She is a 31yr old sociologist (and phd student) whome I met in Thailand & spend 4 days with discovering deserted beaches with.

Beautiful, intelligent and has two feet on the ground. Has been single for a year after she broke up her 5 year relationship.

We talked and talked on our date for 4hours straight, since we didn't really speak eachother since Thailand 4 months ago that was no problem at all.

First thing I noticed: she looks incredible beautiful wearing clothes. I had never seen her wearing so much. :-)

Second thing I noticed:
was the dynamic between us was completely different than in Thailand.
I was a mental wreck back then in need of a holiday and some attention.
she just spend a couple of months trekking on her own through SE Asia and was completely ZEN with herself supporting a couple of sturdy boundaries.

Now the tables were turned it appeared and she was ready to have some of her needs met.
She smiled a lot, touched her neck and hair and her eyes were locked all the time.
Those things did not happen in Thailand at all.

At the end of our date her ex came up and apparently they are back together-ish.
But just when I was about to raise my red flag,
she adds the following. "I am doing research at work and according to my data I should date 37 people in order to meet the right guy.
But how can I have relationships with 37 people?"

I explained how I am trying to do just that thing with the help of MB and that they were suggesting 30 ppl.
She asked a lot of questions and I explained a lot of basic MB stuff.
Says she is bad in defending her boundaries but knows exactly what her needs are.
She was VERY interested to say the least...

She wants to see me back (fast! she added)

Have been dating 'the flirtatious model' this week.
Known her vaguely for ten years.
Met her again last weekend and she asked me to take her on a date. Said she had been waiting weeks for me to ask her out again.

Wednesday she asks me to join her to a party I was going to anyway. saw that two of her 'admirers' were taking her out so I refused to be her date. She asked me to dance once with her there instead. So we did and we planned to go out dancing on Saturday night in a different city so we wouldn't be disturbed by aquintences.

We started at her place, drove an hour to the capital and danced until morning. Drove back to her place. Decided we stay awake to enjoy the first real hot day in months and even spend 2 hours in complete comfortable silence sitting on a bench, basking in the sun.

Great date, I actually got to know this girl way better and had lots of fun doing it.

Great stuff, only 29 more ladies to go!

28! :-)

Got a message from my date last night:
Had a great time, really like you. Too bad you got a no-sex policy...

Welcome to Europe!

Hold your reserve, friend. Good job.

I was asked to DJ on a party this weekend and to my surprise, some women turned up I'd rather NOT see:
- My cheating ex (so much for plan B being in my hands*)
- Fianc� girl from festival
- 15yr in a relationship girl.

I felt akward the whole time, besides the usual 'stage anxiety'.

Did not talk to my ex ofcourse.
Good thing my date (the model) from last weekend dropped by to wish me good luck. Future wayward N�1 tried to have a deep conversation again, I did not take her bait this time. Made a new date with the model instead. HA!

I concentrated on my set and got the dancefloor going beserk to the point the other Dj's were coming to watch me spin from up close. The crowd was cheering everytime I mixed in a new record. Awesome to feel the energy of the dancefloor at your fingertips.


*plan B
I try to avoid being at the same places my ex is going to be and have been very succesful in implementing this. I check each party on fb to see if she is in the attending list, if she is I find an alternative. I do this to the point I am cancelling housewarming parties from friends. Things are different if I HAVE to be attending of course. I could stop this whole music thing or move to another city or even throw my drinks in my ex face everytime she shows up in the hope she will start avoiding me aswell.

Plan B is not working!

Sounds to me as if Plan B is not needed because you have successfully moved on!

I do not consider myself to be over her. I am moving on ofcourse, working on myself. But it still hurts everytime she shows up. The day after I am extremely angry again. It's the perceived disrespect that triggers it.
It takes a lot of contempt to actually show up at a party of your ex-partner you betrayed (or a lot of denial).

My projectfriend shares my opiinion and she visits my ex almost every week. "It's denial. she has only now started descending from her cloud and realising she does not know this guy really"

My projectfriend voiced her concerns over me dating 'The Model 'yesterday'.
She does not think she is right for me and said the model's sister is a narcistic hellspawn. (an opinion which I do share).

I reassured her I am not dating her exclusivly, I do have my own set of prejudice and I just want to know her better for now.
I know The model has a history of poor boundary control and a bad reputation, she honestly told me herself: she has not been NOT in a longterm relationship since her 17th birdday. the 26yr old model has changed one boyfriend for the next every three years. Except for the last six months, she has been single for the first time in her life. she always has a set of admirers surrounding her on every party, single or not.

I explained my projectfriend I want to keep dating her for now, as I am having fun and she is hitting some needs. I am learning slowly and the 28th other dates I am supposed to have, have not shown themselves for now. Neither has the model shown me any red flags while WE were on dates.

Seeing my ex back, set me back in my recovery for at least 3 weeks. Felt really agressive once again! Send her a mail to ask her to stop comming to parties where I cannot run, namely those I have to work on. Got some FOGGY mail back:
denial, denial, denial.

Did have a new date with a 30yr old architect.
Thought I was not her taste as I heared nothing for months after the first date in february (that went quite well imo). Apparently she has been cleaning up her act (her words) after our first date: stopped smoking, got rid of her lazy dayjob and hauled in a huge project as a contractor. Pretty impressive I must say. The date itself was a bit akward as it was in another city and I was not in my element bacause of the recent ex-stuff. The party was really crowded. Anyway, I got to meet her friends who were excellent and fun company.

I am still dating "the model" twice a week. We are really good as a team in the kitchen it appears. We pretty much improvise and prepare a 3 course vegan dinner within 20 minutes every time! Not the basic stuff: but original Indian or Thai dishes. Amazing actually.

She is clearly a people pleaser and a freeloader. Her mother more or less raised her as a freeloader. (Mom is having an affair at the moment.) She is doing a lot of self-reflection at the moment. She called me for advice one evening after she got in trouble with an "admirer" because of her poor boundaries and some white lies. I explained her what boundaries are, how it fits together with honesty and how it keeps one out of trouble. Made her clear that I do not accept anything but honesty from a date nomatter how bad the news. Her conclussion: "I was raised by a hippie and a jailbird, how was I supposed to figure that one out, I just want to please people"... I have since seen her setting a boundary for her hysterical sister and reap positive results. Maybe I am a fool trying to instill buyer principles on a freeloader...

As for self-reflection, I have been analysing my previous relations again. Found some old letters from my 1st relationship, did not have the guts to read them yet.

I found I have some trouble being a freeloader in some dating situations, need to remember myself I am/should be freeloading. Maybe grow some thicker skin.

I went on a date with a British woman!

A British girl from work invited me and 6 collegues for her housewarming party. she had 3 thirty something female friends over from the UK for the weekend. The plan was to visit a local club until morning. I started a conversation with one of them and ended up 'chaporoning' her until morning.

Unlike her three compatriates she was really elegant, gentle, caring and demonstrated a good set of boundaries.
While my collegues hit it off with the three other girls immediatly (!!!), we had fun dancing, observing and discussing the drama that was the result.
One of my married collegues said I was doing excellent and should 'do' her
*sigh*

She complimented me throughout the night. said I was a real gentleman that knows how to take a lady out on a date, unlike most of her dates in the UK. She was really impressed with my English aswell.
She was very good in meeting that need and she really made me feel special.

It was a real honour to take a classy Anglo-Saxon lady on a date, very educational and satisfying.

I learned to keep my mouth shut more often and listen. That asking a good question can be so much more meaningful than trying to get a conversation going. I don't need to join the testosterone gang to make an impression (what a relief!)

I learned I demonstrated much better behaviour (no DJ's) than my collegues and that it is attractive to woman with a good set of boundaries.

I should find more women like this to date! :-)

Great stuff, we English are the best :-)

The last couple of weeks I made an observations that convinced me even more of a MB-principle:
My young projectfriend's relationship is going to shambles.
He has to work hard for his career, she has a lot of exams.
They hardly see each other as they live in different cities,
their lovebanks are drained.

She has been feeling very guilty over the fact she has fallen out of love. She is afraid to tell her boyfriend.
I told her about the policy of radical honesty which she put into practice right away.

Guess what: They had a couple of very good conversations, she found out her relationship is not a one-way street and was released from her guilt.

She is studying psychology and understands the policy crystal clear now: She is part of a unit, hiding her feelings from the unit will make the unit break down and cause her stress & guilt. Radical honesty is the only way.

They are still at a stalemate in the negotiations of their future together:
He needs to stay in his city for his career. He has no diploma's yet has been chosen by a company to be trained as a manager, a real opportunity. He is very close with his family and it would hurt his family if he moved to another city.

She is still studying and cannot see a professional future in the rural region her boyfriend is living. She is already in another city than her own familly and the thought of moving even further away is agonising as her mother is recovering cancer. She had to rebuild her life once when she ran from home.

I keep repeating they have to find a solution that could be enthousiasticly agreed by both. But honestly, I cannot see how one could get out of this stalemate myself.

POJA is not easy.

How long have they been together? Are they living together?

They have been exclusive for 3,5 years, not living together... They see each other on weekends because of the distance.
The start of their relationship was based on chemistry and conversation.

She has put herself through a lot of personal change the last year. Became a vegetarian, lost 46-pounds, took a look at her own behaviour, stopped biting her nails, lost a few unhealthy coping mechanisms...
Her internship as a psychology-assistent speed up the proces even more...

The combination of not having their needs met, the personal change and the stalemate in the planning of their future, seems to be deadly for their relationship.

Would you say they are renters or buyers?

He is clearly a renter...
All sacrificing, all giver; without a single doubt. (love him)

It annoys the hell out of her. She hates the fact that he never takes his own feelings into account. It makes her feel insecure.
Her explaination is that he is not assertive enough, but I know it is the sacrificing she is REALLY bothered with.
She wants to be wanted: "When I cancel a date because I have to study, I sometimes wish he would get angry and pushed to see me instead of being so sweet and understanding everytime"

I think I know why she is so bothered with the sacrificing too:
She is a perfectionist and she is keeping score!
She knows she owes him big time and it makes her feel guilty.

That makes her a renter too then again,
Her planning is long term ("I want his babies") and she takes her own feelings into account... in all aspects of her life ever since I known her really. That mights aswell be a result of her childhood trauma.

I am not sure she had/has a buyer or a renters agreement, but I am sure it will be a freeloaders agreement soon...

"Something has to change and we both have no time to work on it."

Would she read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders?

Not gonna be easy.

she has still a stack of books to read for school.
she detests religion or any derivative.
She hates the word marriage, as she projects all her childhood trauma on her parent's marriage...

'do not tell your date, you are up for marriage; they will think you are insane'...
Yet I know she would agree with all principles in it.
If I want her to read the book, I will have to arouse her curiosity first.

Went out to a retro-party with a male-friend, 10 years younger than me.
He enjoys the music from my youth as much as I do, his girlfriend is on holiday,
he likes to dance so I knew he would be an excellent "date". ;-)

The party was packed with at least 1500 people, age 30-50!!!
Met a lot of people which I haven't seen in years.

A 50-year old women approach me, after her daughter pointed me out.
The mother thanked me for introducing her daughter to underground music
& subculture 12 years ago. Said she could not handle her daughter before that.
That must have been the most unexpected (& doubtful) compliment in my life!
It made me feel really appreciated nevertheless :-)

My friend & I got really drunk and we danced like ecstatic fools until morning.
Normally I would behave myself, approach women on the dancefloor to have a chat.
But as I was too tipsy; I just introduced myself.
ask them their name and continued dancing as I was having too much fun. =)

I ended up with 2 dates!!!

Owww, "would-be-WayWard" was present too.
Told me she has a crush on me...
...and she has not been in a relationship for the last 5 years, which is a straight lie.
Stepped up to her boyfriend, told him exactly what she told me... and continued dancing.

So I learned something this week I think:

While some people, such as my 'project-friend' and myself will go all "introverted" when needs are not met,
others such my ex and "would-be-wayward" will project their unmet needs onto another person,
making them the object of their affection ("extroverted").

Would be nice to know how to spot the difference while I am on dates...