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I am a long time member (since 2005) with a new name. I divorced in 2005 because of my XW's numerous affairs. I was devasted for a long time after. Since then, I haven't dated much and have spent my time raising my kids, working and pursuing my hobbies.

Recently I met a woman that has been divorced for 6 years and after 4 dates, we ended up at my place and slept together. It was very nice(and fun). We have gotten together several times since and she came over to my place the other night for one thing and one thing only. smile Like me, she hasn't dated much since her divorce.

Here is my situation... I don't know how I feel about this person or even what to expect from dating at this point in my life. She is very pretty, great sense of humor and even though I haven't met her kids yet, she seems like a great mom. I enjoy her company when we go out on dates, the sex has been wonderful, and she is very sweet. But there are no bells and whistles going off for me when I see her. I wish there were but there isn't....

I have really thought about this and wonder if since I have been single for some long, I am just in my comfort zone and maybe don't want to get out of it? Or does it take a while to fall for someone? Or should I know within a few dates is I want to be with her? Or are we just having a physical fling that is going to run it's course?

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Hi CluelessGuy, here is a good article about dating that might help: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068a_qa.html

Welcome back! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The best thing to do (in my opinion) is read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Harley.

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Originally Posted By: ClueLessGuy
Recently I met a woman that has been divorced for 6 years and after 4 dates, we ended up at my place and slept together. It was very nice(and fun). We have gotten together several times since and she came over to my place the other night for one thing and one thing only. smile Like me, she hasn't dated much since her divorce.

Here is my situation... I don't know how I feel about this person or even what to expect from dating at this point in my life. She is very pretty, great sense of humor and even though I haven't met her kids yet, she seems like a great mom. I enjoy her company when we go out on dates, the sex has been wonderful, and she is very sweet. But there are no bells and whistles going off for me when I see her. I wish there were but there isn't....

You messed things up by having sex with her when you had no feelings of love for her.

Having been here before, you should know enough about the love bank model to know that you have not reached the threshold to trigger romantic love. However, you must also know that many women would not participate in a relationship involving sex without experiencing their own feelings of romantic love.

In other words, you may well just have used her. You got sex from her and it was wonderful, but you don't love her and will probably break up with her when the sexual thrill has "run its course". She may well be devastated at this.


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Ultimately, she is responsible for protecting herself from being used by men. She is old enough to know better, and women are not victims. She should be aware that just because a man sleeps with her it doesn't mean he wants to marry her. If she has not learned that lesson already she will certainly learn it now, and about time.

But I'm a bit surprised at someone who has been on MB being so casual about sexual involvement, seemingly unprepared at finding himself in this dilemma.


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i beg to differ.
i do not think it's such a big deal to check your sexual compatibility while dating. These things happen, at least here in Europe.

Sex does cloud your vision though, so be careful.

Quote:
Energy. You should marry someone roughly equivalent to you in energy. If one of you lays around watching TV while the other scurries about and can't sit still, it's probably a bad match. The reason energy is an important determiner of compatibility is that so many of your lifestyle pre-dispositions will depend on your energy. Leisure time activities and sexual interest are particularly sensitive to the amount of energy you have. People high in energy enjoy activities that burn that energy, even after work, while those with low energy levels would find such activities to be exhausting. And regarding sex, the more energy a person has, the more sex he or she tends to need. Since leisure activities and sex are two of the best ways to deposit love units after marriage, incompatibility in these areas can make it very difficult for a couple to stay in love.

Last edited by geroldmodel; 03/14/13 03:24 PM.
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Thanks for replies everyone. I do agree, I should not have allowed it to go this far. Other than one relationship a year after my divorce (in 2006), I haven't slept with anyone. So I don't make a habit of pursing casual sex. I got caught up in the moment on this.

The right approach is to get to know her better and I need to slow this down.

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NOT a good idea to be checking sexual compatibility before marriage, and certainly not recommended by Dr Harley. All it does is muddy the water and prevents you from really determining if you do a good job of meeting the other emotional needs. If you meet the other emotional needs well, the sex falls into place after you are married. Dr Harley addressed this subject recently on a radio show. I will look for it this evening.

CLG, agree it is a good idea to slow it down. Another thing Harley recommends is dating a lot of people until you find the one who does the best job of meeting your needs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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"Testing" sexual compatibility is likened to living together before marriage. He calls it a set up for a renter's relationship.

Originally Posted By: radio show 10-10-12
Sex before marriage, is it a good idea or not? Some say it is best to make sure you are sexually compatible with your mate before you marry them. Others say it is best to wait for sex until marriage. Dr. Harley takes a look at the pros and cons of both, and gives his opinion on whether or not a couple should have sex before marriage.


click here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: geroldmodel
These things happen, at least here in Europe.

Lots of things happen here in Europe and all over the world. Since when was that a justification for anything?


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All, I feel bad about this... I have never considered myself a user but maybe I am this time. I somewhat think since neither of us have much time to date (raising kids and all), that maybe we got caught up in the moment.

I will talk to her and slow this thing way down.

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The above statement shows you are not a user. Just be honest with her. Slow it down and see how you feel then.


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**edit**

Last edited by Fireproof; 03/16/13 10:16 AM. Reason: TOS non Marriage Builders material
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A reminder to posters to help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts. The purpose of the forum is to learn and apply MB concepts.

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I found myself feeling a similar way. I was talking with a man that I met over the internet. We never met in person. I thought I might really like him, but then would go through moments feeling like I might not want to be in a relationship at all. What I realized is that he just was not the right one for me. Once I committed to that, I felt better and broke it off with him. This is still very recent and in my mind, I miss him some, but it is more the idea of him that I miss. We really didn't have much outside of thinking about dating/marriage. We didn't even have that much in common, except some attraction. I think it is best to find that person that you have something in common with and build a friendship on... the attraction should be there as well, but if that is all there is, it kinda gets lost after a while. It fizzles away rather quickly without a base of friendship.


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Originally Posted By: ClueLessGuy
All, I feel bad about this... I have never considered myself a user but maybe I am this time. I somewhat think since neither of us have much time to date (raising kids and all), that maybe we got caught up in the moment.

I will talk to her and slow this thing way down.


You aren't a user, CLG it's just that sex is perfectly useless in screening the best potential dates. So without going on real dates, using tests like talking, RC and developing a friendship to see if you love her first.. You're still clueless about your feelings because sex doesn't help us build or understand love.

Dr H says as long as someone has the same energy levels, you can assume your sex/RC levels will be compatable too. So the important thing is to find out if you can be friends and can you do a good job of needs meeting without a short term sex high muddying the waters. Those are the things which need screening in a potential partner.

Meanwhile the premature sex leads to misunderstandings, broken hearts, fuzzy thinking and concentrating on 'making' yourself love just the one person simply because they are sexually available.

You are right to simply decide to slow it down. Its more fun actually.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Originally Posted By: ClueLessGuy
All, I feel bad about this... I have never considered myself a user but maybe I am this time. I somewhat think since neither of us have much time to date (raising kids and all), that maybe we got caught up in the moment.

I will talk to her and slow this thing way down.


You aren't a user, CLG it's just that sex is perfectly useless in screening the best potential dates. So without going on real dates, using tests like talking, RC and developing a friendship to see if you love her first.. You're still clueless about your feelings because sex doesn't help us build or understand love.

Dr H says as long as someone has the same energy levels, you can assume your sex/RC levels will be compatable too. So the important thing is to find out if you can be friends and can you do a good job of needs meeting without a short term sex high muddying the waters. Those are the things which need screening in a potential partner.

Meanwhile the premature sex leads to misunderstandings, broken hearts, fuzzy thinking and concentrating on 'making' yourself love just the one person simply because they are sexually available.

You are right to simply decide to slow it down. Its more fun actually.


This is great advise for teenagers too. My parents always said sex before marriage was bad but never said why. This is a good way to say the why.


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How you doing clueless?

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i don't necessary agree with " sex will just fall into place" there are a lot of instances where couples are highly compatible in different aspects of their marriage -relat but there compatibility as far as sex goes is just plain terrible. it's at least the top 1 or 2 things couple fight about i believe - sex and money
Don't get me wrong i don't believe couples should just jump into bed together either after a couple of dates.They do need to get to know each other first and i think that sexual tension is a good thing to let simmer for awhile.

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Originally Posted By: yukoncharlie51
i don't necessary agree with " sex will just fall into place" there are a lot of instances where couples are highly compatible in different aspects of their marriage -relat but there compatibility as far as sex goes is just plain terrible. it's at least the top 1 or 2 things couple fight about i believe - sex and money
Don't get me wrong i don't believe couples should just jump into bed together either after a couple of dates.They do need to get to know each other first and i think that sexual tension is a good thing to let simmer for awhile.


Sorry, but Dr Harley would disagree with you. Sex before marriage is bad for the relationship because it is likened to shacking up. It creates a renters attitude to the relationship. Compatibility is created and when people are in love and willing to use the POJA, they can create a healthy, dynamic sex life. A great sex life is more about an emotional connection and the willingness to please each other than it is about experience. One doesn't have to have sex before marriage to know that.

I should also point out that we are here to discuss Dr Harley's views on marriage, this is not an opinion blog.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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