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Two weeks ago, my wife of 3 years went out to a party at one of our friend's houses. I unfortunately had a ton of work to do and so was unable to join her that night. She ended up drinking quite a bit as did one of our mutual friends and they ended up making out and engaging in some hand play that night.

One week later she told me about it. Part of the reason for this was that I had told her in the past that I had a zero tolerance policy for this and so she had to build up the courage because in her mind she was thinking that this would mean that I would probably leave her.

We talked about what happened and also about some of the issues we've been having for the past few months. The primary issue being that due to a lot of things going on, I had been neglecting her for quite some time and she was getting a little unhappy. After reflecting on this for a little bit I decided that even though I was crushed and dissapointed I still loved her and wanted to repair our marriage. She said that she completely agreed.

Since then I have taken the initiative and worked to fix some of the issues on my end that resulted in her feeling neglected (e.g., spending more time with her, listening to her). On the surface it seems that things have steadily been improving. However, it seems like she still has some guilt about what happened and while she works that out there still seems to be some distance between us.

What I am wondering is if it is possible that I am overcompensating so much in improving my previous behavior that I might be smothering her. I'm also desperate to get closer to her (e.g., physically) but am worried that pressing too much might be worse. Or is it a normal thing for her to require some time in order to get past the guilt and any other issues (e.g., she had mentally had to prepare for the thought of me leaving her before telling me)?

Thanks for any advice.

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Be wary of admissions, typically waywards admit to only a minimum and usually one level less than what really happened. Full transparency and a lie detector would be a great start.
How many times have we heard about full confessions coming out on the way to a lie detector test.
Extraordinary precautions and boundaries need to be laid out.

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Originally Posted By: NebDane
Be wary of admissions, typically waywards admit to only a minimum and usually one level less than what really happened. Full transparency and a lie detector would be a great start.
How many times have we heard about full confessions coming out on the way to a lie detector test.
Extraordinary precautions and boundaries need to be laid out.


Exacta-mundo.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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AR, the truth is the most important thing for you right now. If she trickles it out, you'll be more crushed over time than you would if she just came out with it.

Try confronting the OM with more info than she gave you. Maybe ask him how he could have sex with your wife like that. He may slip and then you'll have more info.

By the way, this OM is no longer a mutual friend. HE is the enemy. use him to get the info you need to find the whole truth. Then, you can make plans to recover your marriage.

Make sure you read the Start Here thread completely. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

You will need to snoop to get all of the info and get your boundaries defined to make this an affair proof marriage going forward.

Last edited by Wow777; 03/14/13 01:44 PM.

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Originally Posted By: ArcticRain

Since then I have taken the initiative and worked to fix some of the issues on my end that resulted in her feeling neglected (e.g., spending more time with her, listening to her). On the surface it seems that things have steadily been improving. However, it seems like she still has some guilt about what happened and while she works that out there still seems to be some distance between us.


Oh boy. I see alot of stuff mentioned here, but what about the things that LED TO THE AFFAIR?

There are a few things that led to this affair and if they are not corrected, you are facing a future of adultery. I don't think you want that.

The first problem is her problem drinking. A person who is out of control when they drink should not be drinking at all. Anyone who does things while intoxicated that they would normally find morally reprehensible is a problem drinker, if not an alcoholic. If bananas caused me to lose my mind and engage in behavior that wrecked my marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to stop eating bananas for life.

The second RED FLAG is that she has opposite sex friendships. This is how affairs start. The most dangerous and high risk spouses are the ones who say "trust me!!" because they always have pisspoor boundaries around members of the OS. They account for about 98% of affairs.

Third RED FLAG is that your wife goes partying without you. Leading a separate leisure life and going out partying alone is an INVITATION to an affair. As you have learned the hard way.

Those are the reasons your wife had an affair. If those problems are not corrected, she will have more affairs the next time you don't meet her needs 100%. You could be meeting her needs PERFECTLY and she would still have affairs as long as she continues to engage in risky marriage habits.

Welcome to Marriage Builders! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Have you and your wife ended ALL contact for life with loverboy? Is he married, and if so, have you informed his wife?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: ArcticRain
T Or is it a normal thing for her to require some time in order to get past the guilt and any other issues (e.g., she had mentally had to prepare for the thought of me leaving her before telling me)?


She won't get over the guilt unless she is a sociopath. She should feel VERY guilty when she commits immoral acts. The problem is if she DOESN'T feel guilty.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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There would be no reason for her to feel "guilty" on the information you already have. She feels guilty about the information you do not yet have.

To end that particular problem, you will need to schedule a polygraph examination. It might very well come down to the need to ask one question: Have you ever engaged in any sexual activity with another person, beyond the manual activity you have already revealed.

The best way to broach the subject would be as follows: "WW, I have learned of a program which will get us past the current unease that has been interfering with our recovery. Are you willing to give it a try?" When she answers "yes", you respond with, "Good, here's the appointment I made next Tuesday at the polygrapher's, and here is the question you will be asked."

When you finally have the full truth, you(and she) should expose OM to your entire circle of friends, ESPECIALLY to all the husbands. That should put a delicious crimp in his future escapades.

She will have to agree never to go out socially without you, and probably explore her alcohol dependency.

While all this is starting, you should order Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs on this site, and start reading them in that order.

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Thanks for the advice here.

To start with yes, she herself agreed to end all contact with the OM (who is not married). I also am no longer friends with him.

We also have both decided that we are going to curb our alcohol drinking (I also sometimes drink more than I should) as there's nothing really healthy about it.

In terms of going out partying without me - we normally always go out together (except when she hangs out with her girlfriends from time to time). In this specific case, I had a lot of work to do which is why I chose to stay home. Seems silly in such a situation to require your spouse stay at home with you since you are preoccupied doing something else.

In terms of whether or not she is telling the truth, I have confronted the OM and the story was the same from him (even though I implied to him that I knew they had done more). Furthermore, my wife's best friend (who she confides in but is also a friend of mine) confirmed for me that my wife was very clear that she did not do anything else with the OM.

I do see that a lot of you recommend that I make her take a polygraph test. My hesitation here is that she came to me and told me all this. I had no idea and would not have discovered this without her openly admitting it to me. As such I do truly believe that this was a one time drunken mistake. I get the sense though that you all probably think I am naive for doing so...

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You are too close to the situation, as it were. Her willingness to take a polygraph would be a sign of her being willing to come clean completely, that there was nothing to hide. She could very well have not told you absolutely everything.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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I get the sense though that you all probably think I am naive for doing so.

Dude, by sheer numbers we have you outvoted. A weighted vote, making provision for the hundreds of hours each of us have spent counseling new BSs, and your naivety stands no chance!

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Also, by doing a polygraph you will kill your own doubts. Humans have a pattern of behavior so you never know.

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The polygraph is for your relief, if she is truely remorseful she will do it
If she truly wants to help you, she needs to get on board enthusiastically, otherwise RED FLAG. GUILT = RED FLAG
What's your piece of mind worth, is it worth the risk that she is trickle truthing you, is it worth the nagging back of your mind thoughts for the rest of your life?

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A ploygraph done now will save you much heartache and time in recovery in the future, and often times, the BS winds up asking the WS to do it after a short amount of time anyways, so you may as well get it out of the way now.

Has you read SAA? Do you agree with MB? Will you two be using MB to recover your marriage?


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Affairs break trust, plain and simple. Rebuilding trust requires extraordinary measures. Those include getting the whole truth, changing the conditions that allowed the A to happen and putting precautions in place to eliminate the possibilility of it happening. Once those occur, you can then start working on fixing the marital problems that existed before the A (ie, meeting all of each others emotional needs). That is the plan here in a nutshell. The polygraph is a means for making sure you have the whole truth.

Can you see why this is necessary? If you move forward without it, you run the risk of having the truth trickled out to you and that will further damage your marriage.


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The truth is your wife has probably been having an emotional affair with OM, for a while.


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Thanks for the advice. My wife and I went away for the weekend (which provided a nice change of scenery and helped us get started on the recovery process), hence my absence.

After reading through the comments from everyone, I did talk to her about taking a polygraph test and she agreed, so we'll be going ahead and doing that this week. Aside from asking specifics of what actually took place that night, any advice on other questions worth asking (e.g., trying to gauge the extent of the emotional affair that was taking place)?

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You need to read the "polygraph testing" threads in the forum Operation Investigate.


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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
You need to read the "polygraph testing" threads in the forum Operation Investigate.

Here.
Polygraph Testing


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: ArcticRain
Thanks for the advice. My wife and I went away for the weekend (which provided a nice change of scenery and helped us get started on the recovery process), hence my absence.

After reading through the comments from everyone, I did talk to her about taking a polygraph test and she agreed, so we'll be going ahead and doing that this week. Aside from asking specifics of what actually took place that night, any advice on other questions worth asking (e.g., trying to gauge the extent of the emotional affair that was taking place)?
Good call on the polygraph. Get your questions answered and behind you. Then the two of you can concentrate on building a great, affair-proof marriage.

As far as questions, I would suggest you find out if she has ever had adulterous contact before, ie kissing, etc. I would also make sure the events of that night are true as she described them to you.

Don't cancel this polygraph for any reason, okay?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!


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