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Great talk with Steve this AM. I will post a few thoughts:

Stay in Plan A

My last talk to WW about our future was telling her that I wanted a divorce and she will be hearing from my lawyer.
I need to express my intention and goal to WW - "I want for us BOTH to be in a mutually enjoyable marriage and believe that we can. I believe that there is a way for that to happen"

I need to express not what would make me happy. But what would make WW happy. Steve wants me to ask "Wouldn't you be happiest if you were able to be in love with the father of your children?" "Well I have been researching a program and have spoken to a counselor that specializes in these issues. I don't really know if it works or not but do you think we can at least investigate?"

If WW pushes back with something like " I am done and can't change the way I feel about you" then I ask... "WHY?"

"You were not in love with me before we met, and that changed, you loved me when we were married, your feelings changed again when you fell out of love with me. Why can't they change again?"

"I only want to investigate this program but wouldn't it be great if this were able to happen? I have no idea if it works but could you at least speak with him to help me deal with some of the issues."


Stay in Plan A
Establish and communicate the goal that will be the cornerstone of the Plan A
Get her to talk to Steve.


Last edited by Floridaguy; 03/14/13 08:02 AM.

ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 784
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BINGO! This dialogue worked for me!

Happy you called.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Keep touch stoning with Steve.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted By: TranquilDark
Don't mean to thread jack but Mr. W do have a link to the 31 reasons to stop your affair? The one on this thread is broken.


Here you go, TD.

31 Reasons to Stop an Affair

Hang in there.

Last edited by BerlinMB; 03/14/13 11:19 AM. Reason: fixed link

Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Quote:

"You were not in love with me before we met, and that changed, you loved me when we were married, your feelings changed again when you fell out of love with me. Why can't they change again?"

"I only want to investigate this program but wouldn't it be great if this were able to happen? I have no idea if it works but could you at least speak with him to help me deal with some of the issues."



I think Steve is brilliant.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Originally Posted By: pokerface

Quote:

"You were not in love with me before we met, and that changed, you loved me when we were married, your feelings changed again when you fell out of love with me. Why can't they change again?"

"I only want to investigate this program but wouldn't it be great if this were able to happen? I have no idea if it works but could you at least speak with him to help me deal with some of the issues."



I think Steve is brilliant.



Yeah, definitely feel better with his guidance. Problem is face time with WW. Will not see her until Sunday and Steve would like for me to somehow get in front of her before then.

I texted WW this Am and told her I have D5's extra clothes from his school yesterday did she want to swing by and pick up? She texted back that I could bring them to his school Monday and it was " no biggie." Then texted back to have a great day! wink... WTF!!!

May just need to wait until the kid exchange Sunday Eve.

I was able to get into WW's VM and there was a VM from OM on there from last night stating "hey, have not talked to you for a few days and was checking in. Call me back beautiful."

I have serious doubts that she is even into him but just needs/likes the attention. First time I herd OM's voice and he sounded like such a Hick!! All he needed was the banjo playing in the background!!


Last edited by Floridaguy; 03/14/13 09:53 AM.

ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 900
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Originally Posted By: Floridaguy
Great talk with Steve this AM.


FG: great that you are talking w/Steve and finding it helpful.

I found that I needed a specific notebook to diaries my interactions w/Steve. One book, scribbler-type. In it I would scribble down pertinent points, quoting specifics Steve said. After the call, I would add any things I didn't have time to write down, expand on points covered, etc. I also wrote my thoughts and feelings about the call contents. The info was coming at me so quickly, I found writing it down was necessary. (Though you may be smart than I!) This exercise often extended the time I needed to schedule for the call + note taking to 1.5 hours or so.

Then I would leave several pages for jotting things as they came up between calls.

Next I would start a section for "talking points for next call" and distill my thoughts/questions/critical events between calls, so that I would be ready to answer that "tell me what has happened" item succinctly.

I ended up with a book which I can refer back to, as often some of the same questions appear. It is also a log of our progress, a reassurance in those tough times!

And, it maximized our time with, and investment in, Steve's counseling.

Plus, having a reference for the EXACt wording Steve uses kept me on track with making our recovery a team effort between Taffy and me, not a you vs. me thing.


Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Well, by the Grace of the Lord, WW is stopping by the house today at 4:30. It seems our Disney Annual Pass account was suspended for nonpayment due to her debit card being deactivated.

The account is in her name so only she can update the payment information. She is going to stop by to call and update so hopefully we will have a chance to talk.

I am not going to force it and NO EXPECTATIONS!! OK, gotta rehearse...


ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
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Good luck and thanks for the link Viper. I'm contemplating coaching as well. Hope you yield fruitful results.

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Looks like OM isn't backing down, eh? Guess this proves that it is more than you thought.

If you are going to continue to snoop, remember DO NOT CONFRONT WW ABOUT IT. I personally used my snooping(VAR) to gain intelligence to plan.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Don't know if it's too late to give you an idea or not....

It's Thursday...so the weekend is nigh.

You could throw out something like:

"Ya know...I just need a break. Everything has just been so serious and heavy for awhile here and I need to cut loose just one night. You've been my best friend for such a long time I can't help wanting to just go out and rip it up with you. I don't want to talk relationship or anything. Just a break. What do you say?"

"I'm feeling a bit lost lately. You've always been my rock...my go to person with my problems and it's really odd not having you around to share things with. Can we just get together sat or sun for coffee and talk things over a bit?"

Recall too...although you will certainly make it clear someday soon that should she divorce you that you two won't remain friendly it's always in the back of the waywards mind that things will blow over and "we" (you and her) should have and will have a friendly relationship. If for nothing else she thinks she's entitled to it and you'll have to do it "for the kids sake". This sentiment can come in handy to exploit when trying to Plan A your wife. She may be sure she hates you or she may be uncertain and confused but either way she does want a working friendship with you. If and when she says no...you may find an opportunity to say something like "for someone who says they want to remain friends with me you sure are being distant...why would I want a friend like you????"

You have time in this process to convince her that you are seriously not going to be buds with her should she divorce you. You focus here on HER motivations to stay friends and try to force her to make decisions pursuant to her desire to keep you in her life. In fact...make it HER idea..."you're the one that said we needed to talk/get coffee/have a chat/talk over things/hash things out/be friendly".

Finally...you can always use the famous wayward line "you should do it "for the kids"".

Mr. W


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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OK, I will try to post the conversation with WW as best as possible.

Me: I wanted to tell you that I did not want to talk about divorce or lawyers yesterday wen we spoke. I agree that we should take it slow and works things out together.

WW: That's good I just want to be able to move forward.

Me: What i hope fr and want for BOTH of US to be in a Happy and have Loving Marriage in the future. I believe there is a path to that future.

WW: I just really want to move forward. I do not want to be together with you in the future. I do not want to be on the path. I just want ME to be happy because I have not been happy for so long. All I want is for be to be happy and will concentrate on being happy for the boys.

Me: You talk about being happy but wouldn't you happiest if you were able to be in love with me again? Wouldn't you be happiest if you were in love with the boys father?

WW: No, I would not be happy with you. Especially after what I have seen you are capable in the last few weeks. I just never know what you are going to do next and it scares me. I have no idea of what I am going to wake up too. (starting to well up)

ME: I am working in counseling, and I am leaning how hard it is to feel differently about something, especially when you have been feeling that way for so long. The counseling really helps to understand better.

WW: That's good I am glad you are going to counseling.

Me: When we first dated, you were not in love with me at first...(WW cut me off right there)

WW: [ME], I do not want to talk about the past and bring up old memories... I do not want to hurt you again but I am moving forward. You need to understand that and stop asking me to go out.

ME: Your feelings changed and you fell in love with me, and we were so in love when we were married. And your feelings changed again when you fell out of love with me. Why do you think your feelings can't change again?

WW: I do not want to feel that way about you. I am moving on. I don't know how else to tell you. I was starting to think that maybe we could work this out but after the last couple weeks I really don't think we can now.

ME: I have been working with the councilor and we have been talking about me and I have hit a road block because he only has half the story. When we spoke here before you offered to speak to my councilor FOR ME if it would help me. I want to take you up on that offer and I am asking if you would speak to him. Not together but just you and him. It would really help me work through this to be a better person for myself and be a better father for the boys.

WW: Give me his number and I will think about it. All I can tell you now is that I will think about it.

WW: I need to go...


ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
Joined: Sep 2012
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DEJA VU, I had this exact conversation with my WW before.

"No, I would not be happy with you. Especially after what I have seen you are capable in the last few weeks. I just never know what you are going to do next and it scares me. I have no idea of what I am going to wake up too. (starting to well up)."

You handled it well I believe. I'm getting that coaching I'm sold. Keep it up FG. I know you can recover your marriage, you have the tools and you hit the ground running.

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Tough nut. You did good FG.


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
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only have a moment here...


If she takes Steve's number and you indicate "marriagebuilders" at all, you should change your name to something other than FloridaGuy. It will be too easy for her to peek in the forums and find you. Granted if she searches hard enough your/her story will be easy to pick out...but why help her by labeling your thread with your home state's name.

[of course...if you aren't actually in Florida...well played]

Pick a name without any relevance to your life that won't be easy for her to spot.

When you change your name...your name changes in all your posts. I think it's easy to do. Maybe you just use "my stuff" at top of the page or click on your name and change your profile. I forget. I don't think a mod has to do it.

Mr. W

p.s. - you also may want to clean up anything in your thread that you said that could be used against you in court. Just in case. I hope she doesn't find your thread. She'll hate us for encouraging you to expose and do "all that crazy stuff" the last few weeks. This place needs to be your secret for now. Maybe Steve can assist. It's not like she has to know it's an internet based counselor she's calling. Wonder if he'd give a cell phone number to give her so she can call at her convenience versus an appointment with "marriagebuilders". [I have no idea if that is even an option]


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Originally Posted By: MrWondering
only have a moment here...


If she takes Steve's number and you indicate "marriagebuilders" at all, you should change your name to something other than FloridaGuy. It will be too easy for her to peek in the forums and find you. Granted if she searches hard enough your/her story will be easy to pick out...but why help her by labeling your thread with your home state's name.

[of course...if you aren't actually in Florida...well played]

Pick a name without any relevance to your life that won't be easy for her to spot.

When you change your name...your name changes in all your posts. I think it's easy to do. Maybe you just use "my stuff" at top of the page or click on your name and change your profile. I forget. I don't think a mod has to do it.

Mr. W

p.s. - you also may want to clean up anything in your thread that you said that could be used against you in court. Just in case. I hope she doesn't find your thread. She'll hate us for encouraging you to expose and do "all that crazy stuff" the last few weeks. This place needs to be your secret for now. Maybe Steve can assist. It's not like she has to know it's an internet based counselor she's calling. Wonder if he'd give a cell phone number to give her so she can call at her convenience versus an appointment with "marriagebuilders". [I have no idea if that is even an option]



Thanks MrW. My plan is IF she is willing to talk to Steve then I will go ahead and make the appointment for her. She will just know the day, time, and number to call Steve. I can email him ahead of time and ask not to mention the Website.

I doubt she will even agree to calling Steve but no expectations


ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 195
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I actually feel pretty good about the talk today. Just 2 weeks ago I would have exploded on her, messed everything up, and been back to square one huddled up in a ball sobbing uncontrollably for atleast 2 hours. Today, I feel like I am in control of the situation, and if God wants this door to open he will guide WW to open that door.

If it does not happen and I hit a wall I will change direction. I find strength in knowing that I can only control me. My side of the street will be clean when all is said in done. I have my new found inner strength, my wonderful family, my great friends, an army of people here on MB who have shown true compassion and love, and now the great Steve ALL BEHIND ME!!

I will be STILL...

I will be the Lighthouse...

Love to all!


ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
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...and if God wants this door to open he will guide WW to open that door.

Wow! For a relative newcomer, that's a superb attitude to have developed. Do you mind if I steal that sentiment for future use?

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
...and if God wants this door to open he will guide WW to open that door.

Wow! For a relative newcomer, that's a superb attitude to have developed. Do you mind if I steal that sentiment for future use?


Thanks NG. I can't take credit as this comes from the great Mortarman. An angel here posted this for me yesterday.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2587213#Post2587213

NG - I read your story last night. I sat in my living room and read it out-loud to MOM. My little brain can't even put the words together for how amazed we were. I will leave it at that...


ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 357
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You are doing so well FG !!! No matter what, you are going to be a better person for those boys.

I salute you !


me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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